Fubar Blog Posts 2

Fun In The Sun!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007 my son and i moved to Florida with my fiance(who is also the father of my son)..so far im loving it, the day i left it was 52 degrees in Rockford and windy, was 95 degrees here that day though lol!

Fun In The Office
Fun in the Office by fun_luvin_babe © Stacey sat in her office, watching the phone. All she wanted was that one phone call, to tell her the time and where. As she spaced out thinking of their last encounter she felt herself getting aroused, before she could snap out of it her phone rang. The high pitched ringing was a welcoming sound, for once, and she answered quickly. "Stacey Redding." She knew for well who was on the other end of the phone. "Stacey. I am in town. Can I come round yours?" "I am at work at the moment. How about later?" Her voice all ready was carrying the sound of longing, for his body to hold her. "I can't wait. I will come to your office." She knew this was ridiculous but she couldn't wait it had already been too long. She agreed and hung up. She went out and told her secretary to go on her lunch and when she got back that no one was to disturb her, under any circumstances. She wasn't sure how long they would need. When he arrived, she sat from

Fun/interesting Facts
1. Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton. 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. 3. The dot over the letter "I" is called a "tittle". 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. 6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 8. The 'spot' on 7-UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. 10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. 11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog. 12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 13. Most lipstick contains fish

Fu Night Owls - Come Get Blue!!!
Good evening those who dont sleep. Night Owls Of fubar Blue Orion has late night tunes with live Dj's So click a pic and come join us!!... (repost of original by 'Dj_Meko~Dj @ blue orion~{FU_Hubby_2_Amitola}' on '2008-02-25 19:02:23')

Fun In The Sun
Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ISTP) Your personality type is reserved, methodical, spirited, and intense. Only about 6% of all people have your personality, including 3% of all women and 8% of all men You are Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, and Perceiving. How Rare Is Your Personality?

A Fun Im With A Boy On Cam
karmas_chyld: did you do that harness yourself ? masterdark6969: yes madam karmas_chyld: nice work masterdark6969: thank you madam masterdark6969: its hard to do on yourself, i can normally do a better job masterdark6969: so any command madam karmas_chyld: LOL no masterdark6969: ah karmas_chyld: LOL I am not here to get your rocks off doll masterdark6969: i know, I am here to please you karmas_chyld: good boy masterdark6969: i was hoping i might do something that would please you madam masterdark6969: is there anything i can do madam karmas_chyld: LOL nice clothes pins karmas_chyld: I have nipple clamps with weights masterdark6969: i have clamps, no wieghts, would you like me to see if i can get them karmas_chyld: I do have a comand... line your dick with clothes pins .. as many as you can fit on it masterdark6969: ouch masterdark6969: ok madam masterdark6969: should this be enough karmas_chyld: yep karmas_chyld: get started masterdark6969: just on my dic

Fun In The Sun Game
Fun in The Sun # Water # food colouring if desired # assorted containers # creative imagination This activity takes some pre-planning. I started a week ago. Fill assorted containers with plain water or coloured water. Freeze the water. When frozen put the ice blocks into a PAPER BAG in the freezer so the container can be re-used. The paper keeps the blocks from freezing together into a block mess. It is up to you when you have enough blocks. You can build your structure in a kiddie pool. Watch it melt then add warm water and enjoy a swim. Make sure there is not too much food colouring. You don't want to turn your children purple. I have 6 in my centre from 3 yr olds to 11 year olds. Each one will recieve the same number of blocks, the same size, colour and shape. Each will have a section of the yard to build in and a time limit. Next we will discuss some of the properties of ice and decide which will melt first, last and maybe the same. The older chi

Fun Info
What Natural DISASTER are you? Firestorms Report this image (frstrm)n. A fire of great size and intensity that generates and is fed by strong inrushing winds from all sides: the firestorm that leveled Hiroshima after the atomic blast. An intense or violent response: The discovery that your child has a learning disorder can set off a firestorm of emotions (Judith Harkness Richardson). You are friendly and fun but you also hold your ground. you're awesome and you would look good with blue hair. rock on

Fun Ideas For April Fool's Day!
Some of these are hilarious! Enjoy YOUR April Fool's Day! Scrape the cream out of oreo cookies and fill them with white toothpaste!. Use a 3M Post-it notes placed underneath someones's computer mouse - ensure that it covers the ball or the optical sensor on the bottom. When they go to use the mouse, it won't work! On the 3M Post-it simply write April Fool!. Go around the office and tell random people that a particular person (e.g. your friend) wanted them to drop over at 11am - they will be surprised when 50 people drop around to their cubicle at once. Get a universal remote control and turn the volume up on all the TVs in your local TV shop, while standing nearby. Try be covert so you can keep doing it. If you are a manager or have employees under you, send people looking for made up items such as the dehydrated water, the hydraulic cement humidifier, the double sided transperencies, a fallopian tube, the blunt knife, a glass hammer. If you work in a restaur

Fun In The Shower
I had just washed the shampoo out of my hair and was reaching for the soap when my hair was yanked back and I felt a familiar male body behind me. I was not able to turn my head for the grip he had on my hair but I did not need to see who it was since I already knew it was. My head was then turned to where I was forced to look at the wall. He then started to nibble and bite my neck and shoulder making me shiver and moan. When he was done he tugged on my hair making me turn my head again making me look at the shower screen as he nibble and bite the other side of my neck and shoulder. I moaned louder and wiggled my hips a little only to have my ass smacked and then I herd a growl from behind me. I stopped moving and just stud still. He bit me one more time on my shoulder before he moved his free hand to my nipples.He then pinched and pulled on my nipples before twisting them a little. I had to lock my knees to keep from moving my hips again from the pleasure I was gett

Fun In A Virtual Environment!
For those nights you can't get out of the house, or to simply meet people from all over the world without spending buckoo bucks on a plane ticket ! Fun and anything you can imagine! For gamers who are tired of just blowing up things in battle, connect REAL socially! Crazy and exciting fun in a Virtual Environment for ADULTS only. Gotta be 18. Click below to learn more http://wg.redlightcenter.com/profile.aspx?ProfileID=92015753

Fun Joke - 2/21/07
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was married. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her husband.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her husband says, "Ask him for $200; pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the husband calls and asks what happened? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety bef

Funkin' Bass!
Friday, December 15, 2006 It's 3 of our favorite friends birthdays... Alicia, Krysta and Jay, (DNR)... So to celebrate properly, we put together a great night of Breaks, Techno & House... To make things a bit more interesting, we're doing a blacklight theme, so get creative with outfits that will look good under the black UV rays!!! And DON'T FORGET to set yer camera's on NITE VISION!! Your DJ's for the evening... MIKE CONRADI - breaks Embedded, www.felinefrequencies.com Terror Inc., Blackmoon REXILE - breaks www.discotoast.com, www.eartobrain.com Porn Star Clothing DJ A6 - funky house Double Decker, www.moodyclub.com DJ C4 - house n breaks www.moodyclub.com DJ GABBO - techno Hitman, Terror Inc, Deranged, Propersounds STEVE-0 - dirty funk Double Decker, Terror Inc, Prolifik, www.felinefrequencies.com DNR - tech-trance Double Decker DMT - hard house n techno Double Decker THIS WILL BE AT THE REGENCY AGAIN... 8128 Mountain Rd. Niagara Fal

Funker Vogt
Sins they all emerged one by one hoping for freddom but there is none see the men in uniform they send you out to fight the storm look up in the charcoal sky want to see the sun before you die so please tell me what happened here all the love is replaced by fear an unknown soldier without a face went back home in a wooden case he was a hero for just one day now his body floats in the bay they only wish to forget all they can do is regret so please tell me what happened here all the love is replaced by fear chorus: let past matter fade to shadows our future shall begin when we are walkind down the meadow we will deplore all our sins Gunman Now the race is on the run So look out for your man Try to catch him in the woods And kill him if you can Come on play the game And catch the man This is your aim So do what you can Now the race is on the run So look out for our girl Try to catch her in the woods And take her if you can

The Funk
I'm in a somewhat depressed funk about the loss of my iPod... basically I plugged it into a USB slot on my computer which decided to fry the iPod.. ouch.. This state of affairs, for me, is sorta like the end of the world. Basically my life is built around podcasting and podcasts.. social media.. with this stuff I've come to... well I've educated myself.. I've gotten to the bleeding edge.. which does a hell of a lot to... well its my competative edge, basically... so now I loose that edge. I was trying to start a business... around this stuff.. and now I have to leave that project to find work to reinvest in gear.. like the iPod.. because I simply can't keep going without it.. I need it to be wired in.. and I need it to promote my work... all is lost, all is lost. This doesn't quite hit the right emotional timber but, its about as close as I can can find: Not to be overly dramatic or.. to over play feeling sorry for myself, or something like that.. but maybe

Funky Little Beat/debbie Deb
oooooo yeah...oooo yeah...the beat...yeah gets me going...mmmmmm,.....oooooo yeah....i know im very strange....and i like strange and crazy music but hey its me and thats that.....oooo yeah baby la lala lalalalal......im strange and hot la la la/oh yeah and i like this freaky strange song.....beep beep im so strange i know...oh well...i love the beat yay yaya yaya yada yada:):):):):)):):):):)

Funky Error Message
I was in the middle of posting a bulletin comment (hit send) and I got this error message... "I_really_fucking hate you error" Um. I saw that and immediately my stomach felt like it was in my throat. It felt like I was having a schizophrenic episode. I read it a few times to make sure it wasn't my brain playing tricks on me. Nope, it was there for real... So I refreshed the page and it gave me another error message saying the bulletin doesn't exist anymore, that it was probably deleted. Um ok...? Anyway. Long story short. I asked the guy who originally posted it what had happened, and yes, he had deleted it. So yeah that first error message was probably the work of Fubar and their devious minds... I'm still a little freaked out about it though. Not cool. So not cool. At least for me...

Funky Cold Medina Recipe
If you find fun difficult then maybe we need to talk. Kiss your inhibitions good bye and mix several to your liking. Throw out any guilt with the rest of the garbage and put it outside. Be reckless enough to have fun and to not hurt yourself or others. Funky Cold Medina recipe Scale ingredients to servings 1 oz vodka 1 oz peach liqueur 1 oz Blue Curacao liqueur top with cranberry juice ice Pour over ice and top off with cranberry juice.

Funk
I'll be back later ... if you read my stash you will see Imma in a lil bit of a funk ... its a lil bit of everything in life ... and the holidays! If I don't chat with yall for awhile sorry .. enjoy the Holidays!!!

Funk Martini's I Swear They Will Plz Ya!!
FUNK MARTINI 1 1/2 OZ. Vodka 1/2 OZ. Triple Sec and a splash of Cranberry juice, and Pineapple Pour liquid ingredients into a cocktail shaker with cracked ice and shake well, strain into a chilled martini glass!! now I tend to not be so fancy, lol, and mix the ingredients right in my glass(and i'm not classy enough to use a martini glass anymore lol so i use the rocks glass) I also want to add that this does sound sweet but I promise you will enjoy it has a fruit punch taste that will knock ya on yur butt!!! lol enjoy! ROCK ON DANI!!

Funky Hairdoo Contest!
AUTO 11 OR CHERRYBOMB UP FOR GRABS! IM HOLDING A RATE CONTEST FOR THE BIGGEST PIMP OR PIMPETTE OF FUBAR.THE PRESON WITH THE MOST RATES IN TWO WEEKS WILL GET THERE CHOICE OF A AUTO 11 OR CHERRYBOMB BLING IF INTERESTED PLEASE P.M ME AND SEND ME THE LINK TO THE PIC YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE.MAKE SURE YOU HAVE FUN WITH THIS NO CHEATING,DRAMA,AND PROMOTE YOURSELF.PIX MUST BE G.Q STYLE MEANING.IF YOUR A PIMP SHOW YOUR PIMP STYLE.ABSOLUTLY NO TOLERANCE FOR DRAMA YOU WILL BE DELETED OUT OF THE CONTEST:)CONTEST WILL START WHEN I HAVE AT LEAST 10 PPL. CONTEST HOST PurpleSky*Fubar's Most Finest *@ fubar

Funky Monkey!
Welcome To The Funky Monkey Train. Wanna come Jump on the funky monkey train? sure ya do!! all you have to do is add/fan/rate all members on the train. There is only 1 rule on this train tho! NO DRAMA!! Ok lets get this funky monkey train going. once you have added everyone please send a private message to both Tracy and Summer so you can be added and your tag can be made. Thank you And Have Fun!!! OWNER Tracy{Shadow Leveler} Fu Owned By Summer Uk & Onwer Of Summer uk !!!@ fubar OWNER ~♥~Summer~♥~@ fubar Fun in the Sun Laid in the Shade!@ fubar ONE&ONLY SYCHO {FU-SLAVE TO JOHNNY}OWNER OF FUBAR ADDICTED BOMBERS/CLUB FAR

Funkeltitten!!!
I has just been brought to my attention that the German translation of GlitzyHooters is Funkeltitten. I like it, it's staying. Anyone want the German translation of theirs, go see Tom. Goodbye for now. Funkeltitten xxx

Funky Town!
Let’s go to Funkytown! Dusty is having an all 80’s Auto 11’s weekend! She is trying to get closer to Prophet. Rate some pics, listen to some “blasts from the past”, and then private message her for a custom tag (if you’d like one). (No SB's please)

Funk
I can not shake this damn funk today... One of those days I feel like either crying or screaming.... but even I can't make up my mind on that one.... sorry to vent had to get it out for the reason I am being so distant.

A Funky Weird Song Stuck In My Head, Becuase Of Someone.
Lyrics to Not Fair : He got away with thousands of dollars He got away from the state police He got away with emotional murder He slipped away with the summer breeze It's not fair To call it a day It's not fair To just walk away It's not fair To bring me down It's not fair To leave a mess behind He got away with the ultimate shakedown He ran away from the scene of the crime He got away from everyone in his way Gone, and not a trace left behind It's not fair To catch me out It's not fair To leave me in doubt No it's not fair To not explain It's not fair To leave a mess behind How'd you pull it off? how'd you get away with it? I never stood a chance Oh you left me to die It's not fair To pull me down It's not fair To make me run around No it's not fait To not explain It's not fair To make me ask you why To leave a mess behind To make me ask you why

Funky Symbols
ⓐ ⓑ ⓒ ⓓ ⓔ ⓕ ⓖ ⓗ ⓘ ⓙ ⓚ ⓛ ⓜ ⓝ ⓞ ⓟ ⓠ ⓡ ⓢ ⓣ ⓤ ⓥ ⓦ ⓧ ⓨ ⓩ ✖ ✗ ✘ ♒ ♬ ✄ ✂ ✆ ✉ ✦ ✧ ♱ ♰ ♂ ♀ ☿ ❤ ❥ ❦ ❧ ™ ® © ♡ ♦ ♢ ♔ ♕ ♚ ♛ ★ ☆ ✮ ✯ ☄ ☾ ☽ ☼ ☀ ☁ ☂ ☃ ☻ ☺ ☹ ☮ ۞ ۩ εїз ☎ ☏ ¢ ☚ ☛ ☜ ☝ ☞ ☟ ✍ ✌ ☢ ☣ ☠ ☮ ☯ ♠ ♤ ♣ ♧ ♥ ♨ ๑ ❀ ✿ ψ ♆ ☪ ☭ ♪ ♩ ♫ ℘ ℑ ℜ ℵ ♏ η α ʊ ϟ ღ ツ回 ₪ 卐 ™ © ® ¿ ¡ ½ &#

Funkcje Ponadprogramowe I Energooszczędne Pralki
Kupując pralkę powinniśmy zwrócić uwagę na grupę przeróżnych szczegółów, nie mówiąc o tym, czy ma ona być otwierana od góry czy od przodu. Każdy sprzęt powinien pracować w sposób energooszczędny, czyli niedrogi. Zaprezentujemy Państwu niżej kilka opcji niezmiernie użytecznych w pralce i powodujących, iż dużo pieniędzy zatrzymamy w swoim portfelu.Zwróćmy uwagę na to, czy urządzenie jest wyposażone w grupę funkcji energooszczędnych. Pierwszą spośród nich jest opcja zraszania – dzięki niej zużycie wody znacznie spada a to za sprawą tego, że ubrania są pryskane wodą z góry, a nie ma takiej sytuacji jak w zwykłym sprzęcie, że woda jest wprowadzana do bębna z ubraniami. Kolejną bardzo użyteczną rzeczą w pralkach jest również funkcja połowicznego zapełnienia. O

A Fun Little Story Of Seduction I Wrote.. (so Much Inspiration On Here Amongst My Family And Friends )
Music Video Codes - MySpace Layouts I like to go for full on seduction.. even when I know its a sure thing, I never go the easy route.. I want to work at it and keep it exciting...so with you I would put on something super sexy, invite you over for an awesome meal that you will forget as you stare at me across the table as I tease you with lil smiles and my tongue licking my lips and my cleavage bulging out of my top across the table... I'll lean in and kiss your face off a few times and pull away to make you wait for more. > stroke your thigh with my nails under the table, run my nails along your neckline, up the side of your face and thru your hair and scalp.. > I'll get up and as you sit there in your chair I will walk close.. I have a skirt on no panties underneath, low cut top, highheels... > my long hair down loose and wavy all soft and shiny flowing down my back, I'm perfumed and smelling so good and as I approach you are enveloped in that pretty scent.. > my huge tits in y

Fun Little Quiz
You scored as Very Kinky. You are very Kinky. Yuo are not over the top but you like kinky arousements and you are willing to try something new every time. You will make a very fun sex partnerVery Kinky90%Average60%A Sicko20%A WUSS !!20%How sexual are youcreated with QuizFarm.com

Fun Loving
hi im a mother of 3 kids. And a loving wife of a ex marine. I enjoy going out to the beach and the sands with my family when we can go. my kids are 2 girls ages 5months and 4 years old my son is 5 years old. Im a stay at home mom which we enjoy the time togeter when daddy is at work. I dont like to judge books by its cover i get to know what is on the inside first. I say live life on the edge you only have on life.

Fun!! Lets See How Well Everyone Know There Rock N Roll History
OK. Below is a picture that has 75 bands represented in it. What I want you to do is leave me a comment naming up to 3 at the most. Leave some for others to find. This should be fun. Good Luck

Fun Little Test
Which Harry Potter Character are you?Lord VoldemortYou are a determined and smart person who doesn't mind breaking rules to get what you want, but you are a disgrace to humans, who cares nothing of feelings merely of desires. You are cold to the bone.How do you compare? Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic

A Fun League
ANY ONE INTERESTED IN JOINING OUR LEAGUE IT IS ONLY 4 EASY STEPS. 1. GO TO GO SITE: www.myleague.com/blueheaven AND SAVE IT TO UR FAVORITES 2. CLICK ON GETTING STARTED, THEN FREE SIGN UP, USE SAME LADDER NAME AS YOU USE IN THIS ROOM. 3. CHECK ALL BOXES FOR MAXIMUM BUXES TO PLAY IN TOURS 4. CHECK EMAIL...ALSO JUNK/BULK MAIL...FOR ACTIVATION CODE, PUT IT IN AND THAT'S IT. THEN COME BACK IN THIS ROOM AND WE WILL HELP YOU JUMP INTO TOURS. ANY ?'S AT ALL, DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK, WE WILL BE GLAD TO HELP YOU IN ANYWAY SO WHY NOT COME AND JOIN US IN THE FUN. WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU MDFS :) WE PLAY IN THIS ROOM FROM MORNING AND INTO THE LATE NITE, SO COME N ENJOY SOME GREAT GAMES N WONDERFUL COMPANY. I BET U WERE SITTING THERE THINKING WOW THOSE TDS ARE HAVING FUN. WELL WE HAVE A BLAST TDING AND WOULD LOVE TO HAVE U JOIN US. IF U WANT TO HOLD UR OWN TOURS AND ENJOY THE COMPAY OF OUR WONDERFUL MEMBERS AND EARN LADDER BUXS WHILE DOING IT THIS I

Fun Lil Game
Type your name in my blog comments. Once you do that, this is what I'll do for you... 1. I'll respond with something random about you. 2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of. 3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in. 4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. (if possible. if not, I'll say something that only makes sense to me.) 5. I'll tell you my first memory of you. 6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of. 7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you. 8. If you play, you MUST post this on yours. No exceptions!

" Fun-loving Stacey's Last Party"
My Brothers Best friend Stacey was killed 2 nights ago. She was only 21 years of age. A beautiful girl who i only met a few times, but each time i would see her, it was like a breath of fresh as she would walk in the room... see below for pictures and a report in the news. From this point on, i will think twice before complaining about the " pathetic little dramas" that happen in my life and all of the stuff that i shouldn't take for granted and appreciate alot more than i do. I will put my every effort into making my Boyfriend Nate from Fubar - My real life boyfriend and so much more than that. Appreciate the good times, love, laugh and be happy... because we dont know when our time is up or the loved ones around us. Seek and strive for what you want out of life, so there is no time wasted. Nate - we will be together soon :) I love you so much..... :) Fun-loving Stacey's last party: STACEY WRIGHT was finishing her shift at the Unity Hall Hotel in Balma

Fun Math
YOUR AGE� BY EATING OUT Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know! YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH This is pretty neat. DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute . Work this out as you read ... Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun. 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than 1 but less than 10) 2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold) 3. Add 5 � 4. Multiply it by 50 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 .... If you haven't, add 1756. � 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were

A Funny Thing Called Love
To be Loved by another is truely a wonderful gift,sometimes it is taken for granted and we loose site of what is really our life's treasure.Always be honest with the one you Love, for they will appreciate it more then any words can express.Love is a funny and cruel thing, it can make you feel like you can't breathe, and can be taken away just as it came to you.Giving someone all your Love is never an assurance that they will Love you back.Don't expect Love in return, just wait for it to grow in theit hearts, and be happy that it grew in yours.

Funny !
"I'm not for women, frankly, in any job. I don't want any of them around. Thank God we don't have any in the Cabinet." Richard Nixon, while president of the US "Look, people get drunk ... People chase girls. And the point is, it's a hell of a lot better for them to get drunk than to take drugs. It's better to chase girls than boys." * Nixon on a graphic account of Amb. Arthur Watson's groping stewardesses while drunk on a March 1972 flight to Washington I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931) "I've never let school get in the way of my education" - Mark Twain "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted" - Albert Einstein "The only job where you start at the top, is digging a hole." Hemorrhoids are like 'Awards', sooner or later every arse-hole gets one.

~funny You Say That~
"Funny you say that..." because I get that all time from guys I have dated. "You are such a wonderful woman, no-one has ever taken care of me the way you do. No-one has ever loved me the way you do, catered to my every need. No-one ever showed me who they are and what they were...blah blah friggin blah". I'm so sick of that happy horse shit it isn't even funny anymore. If I am so 'wonderful' why am I still single? Because I pay the price for every other womans down falls. I pay the price for the skeletons in my guys closet. I am the one they take their demons out on. Even when I tell them I am not THE other woman I am ME!!! But I love being in love... But I love being together... But I love having a man in my life... But I love to be loved and involved... So what do I do? Funny you should say that..............

Funny Stuff!
Excerpts from dog's and cat's diary (stolen from Emily Dickinson=Got Grill) Well everybody is trying out the new blog thing on LC so I thought I would share one of my favorite funny ones with ya... OMIGOD - how funny: EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY 8AM - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30AM - Wow! A car ride! My favorite! 9:40AM - A walk in the park! My favorite! 10:30AM - Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite! 12:00 - Lunch! My favorite! 1PM - Playing in the yard! My favorite! 4PM - The kids are home! My favorite! 5PM - Milk Bones! My favorite! 7PM - I get to play ball! My favorite! 8PM - Wow! Watching TV with my master! My favorite! 11PM - Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed! My favorite! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY Day 683 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They lavishly dine on fresh meat while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of hash or dry nuggets. Al

Funny Short Stories
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bob works Friday afternoons and Jim doesn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went

Funny As Shit!
Baggage - The excuse people use to punish their current boyfriend/girlfriend for things that their past boyfriends/girlfriends have done to them. Bicurious - Gay. Bisexual - Gay. Bitter - What all Atlanta singles are destined to become. Caused by drama and stress (see below). Buckhead Soldiers - The clones you see hovering around the popular Buckhead bars wearing polos tucked into pleated Dockers. Usually wearing loafers. Butch - What gay men who don't think they act gay call themselves. Actual butch men will never need to use this term. Also used to describe 75f Atlanta lesbians. Cabin Room - Where you go when the bars are closed and you still haven't found someone to sleep with. Cuddle - Sexual activity in which there is no exchange of bodily fluid. Drama - An imaginary condition made up by sad, lonely individuals with no real problems in their life who feel the need to drag stable, well-balanced individuals who are trying to make a valuable contribution to

Funny
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED >>> BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE >>> >BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE >>> DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER >>> >DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A >>> VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: >>> >"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" >>> > >>> > THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE >>> YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND >>> >THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET >>> TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY >>>& nbsp; >AND LEAVE ME ALONE." >>> > >>> > THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE >>> SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE >>> >OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON >>> ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED >>> >HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER >>> VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO >>> >WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: >>> > >>> > "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS >>> THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS >>> >I'LL EVER GET TO A HU

Funny Shit Must Read!
funny shit must read! 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, is it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a

Funny Love Definition
1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence). 2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind. 3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors Degree and the woman gets her masters. 4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. 5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens. 6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead. 7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced. 8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taki

Funny!-->"whats The Name Of Your"
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says "What the heck, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the customer says "Alright, what's the name of your penis?" The gay waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT." The customer thinks for a moment and says "The name of my penis is SECRET." The waiter says "SECRET?" The customer says "Yeah...STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

Funny
What Fictional Vampire Archtype are You? You are the Bloody Siren. Vain, selfish, sexual fantasy, you lure mortal men to their dark end. You are sex and illusion and you use up men to feed your wicked desires until they surrender to you their last, crimson drop.Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Funny
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving" "Jason is on his skate board...." A few more moments, "Mr and Mrs Cooper are having sex !!" Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

Funny Joke..
A bloke pays a visit to his GP and says, "Doctor, I really need your help. I can't seem to get an erection." The doc examines him carefully, then suggests a number of possible cures. "I've tried them all," says the man. "Herbal remedies, Viagra, hydraulic pumps - nothing seems to work." "Well," the doctor muses, "there is a last-ditch option. The local hospital is doing experimental work with elephant muscle tissue transplants. But I have to warn you - they're not sure of the side effects." The guy thinks for a minute. Realising his desperate need for sex he pipes up. "Look, doctor," he says. "I'll do absoloutly anything." So he books in for the operation, and it all goes perfectly. Just six weeks later, the man has recovered sufficiently to try his luck with a gorgeous secretary in his office. They're sitting at dinner one night, enjoying their main course, when the man starts to get horny. Sure enough, he's getting hard, and he thinks his troubles are finally over - when suddenly

Funniest Blog You'll Ever Read
Taoism: Shit happens. Confucianism: Confucius, he say: "Shit happens". Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Hinduism: This shit has happened before. Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Islam #2: If shit happens, take another hostage. Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it. Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else. Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen. Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it. Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!) Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me? Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work. Creationism: God made all shit. Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit. Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit. Utopianism: This shit does not stink. Darwinism: This shit was once food. Capitalism

Funny.
This is pretty cool. Click on the link below to try it out. Ignore all the crazy Russian on the site, just type your name in the text box and click to see what your name looks like in Russian...very impressive! http://www.callme.nm.ru/ COPY AND PASTE PEOPLE!!

Funny
There once was a postman who had delivered the mail to the same neighborhood and the same route for over 35 years. This was to be his last day before he retired. He neared the last house on the route, which happened to be the home of Judy, a married woman with a somewhat questionable reputation. As he walked up the steps to the front door, Judy greeted him in a very sexy red teddy with lace. "Is this your last day, postman?" She asked in a low and sultry voice. He could barely nod his reply. "Y-yes, I am retiring today." He managed to stammer. "Well, come in for a minute won't you?" And how could he refuse? They spent hours in heated sex. After wards, Judy fixed him a breakfast of steak and eggs, hash browns, the works. And then as the postman was dressing and getting ready to leave, Judy handed him a farewell card, in which he found 5 dollars. At this point, the postman gave her a somewhat puzzled look and said, "I don't get it, Judy, first you fuck my brains out, then y

Funny Bumper Stickers Got This In An Email.
>Bumper Stickers Uncategorized > >Where there's a will ... I want to be in it. > >I took an IQ test and the results were negative. > >Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? > >On the other hand, you have different fingers. > >A day without sunshine is, like, night. > >Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. > >42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. > >Honk if you love peace and quiet. > >You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. > >A penny saved is a government oversight. > >The buck doesn't even slow down here! > >Originality is the art of concealing your sources. > >|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work. > >Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark > >Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? > >It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. > >I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money. > >A waist is a terrible thing to mind. > >COLE'S LAW: Thinly sl

Funny Tech Support
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all true!!!!>? ================================= Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... =============== Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... =============== Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? =============== Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello.... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not B

Funny As Shit
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a

Funniest Sex Moment
I have a new co worker that is experiencing his first baby. He comes in eacbh day bleary eyed and tired from lack of real sleep. He asked me how long before the baby sleeps through the night, I had to be honest and tell him my son was 7 before he slept all night without waking me up. He was flabbergasted but I reassured him that it was a fluke and his kid would probably be sleeping all night real soon. It reminded me of when my son was about 4 years old and I had been up repeatedly for the past few nights going into his room and telling him to be quiet as we were trying to get some sleep! Gently reassured him and lulled him back to sleep. One saturday night my ex-wife and I were getting a little frisky and were making a little too much noise when all of a sudden the bedroom door swings open and standing there in the hallway light with his hands on his hips glared my son yelling, "Ya'll hold it down in here I'm trying to get some sleep!' Spins on his heels and slams the do

Funny As Heck!!!
Got this from my cousin..just a little smile sent your way. THE MOST DUMBEST THINGS GUYS SAY TO GET HER ATTENTION: 50 lame pickup lines 1. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 2. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. 3. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 4. I like every bone in your body especially mine. 5. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? 6. Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want? 7. Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart? 8. Baby I'm like milk, I'll do your body good. 9. Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them. 10. Hey baby lets play army I'll lay down you can blow me up. 11. If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays 12. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you h

Funny Shit!!! Gotta Read Dis One!!!!!
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE". The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Very confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

Funny Quotes
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. ~ Woody Allen Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night ~ Rodney Dangerfield There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. ~ Lynn Lavner Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope ~ Camille Paglia Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant. ~ George Burns Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. ~ Sharon Stone Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. ~ Tiger Woods My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. ~ Jack Nicholson Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. ~

Funny Really!!
A guy walks into the local unemployment office for his weekly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare week after week I'd really much rather have a job." The worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent we've just obtained a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a combination chauffeur-bodyguard to drive his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll be required to drive his Mercedes, he'll supply all of the necessary clothes. Because of the long hours, all your meals will be provided. In addition, you will be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. A two-bedroom apartment above the garage comes with the position. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Funny Rednecks!!
Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?" "Yes." "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)?

A Funny Saying About Taurus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Taurus~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ April 20-May 20 Your great kindness and patience are your most striking attributes. You are liked by everyone because you let them walk all over you. Your warm-hearted ways often lead you into the receiving end of anal sex......

Funny Shit
A man walks into a grocery store and notices a woman staring and then waving at him..He walks over to her and says.you look very familiar...."Do I know you". he says....The woman replies."Yes you know me' your the Father of one of my Kids...The man replies."Oh my gosh...Are you the woman from my Bachelor party that tied me up beat me up while your friend shoved a giant Dildo up my ass???..the woman looked at him in shock and said."NO,I'M YOUR SONS MATH TEACHER"!!!!!!

Funny!
Sunday I was bored so asked the wife if she would mind takeing a few pics of me!I really liked one and made it my new primary pic.all the face shots of me ,are of me with mustash&chin hairs!I shaved and damit I looked good!well after posting it I was flooded with guys comeing on my page.I guess they saw the long hair and got all excited and had to check me out!Don't be hateing cause I'm beautiful!Don't want you damn men anyways !So it came down to either change my pic to an older one or change my name toe like Stud Boy or Chicks Dig Me. or the name that my on-line chat friends all call me Mr.We(or by my real name!)So if you woundering why the name change well there it is.tell your men to stop checking me out cause they aint getting any of this!and to the one guy who sent me a friends request(your just not right boy!)denyed. hehe .have a good day!

Funny How This Website...
Is just like Vampirefreaks, Just as annoying, And just as stupid. With the same boring people. I am here for one purpose and one purpose only: To Rid this Website of A damned fucking Art Thief. This Art Thief Goes by the name of Untruthful_reflections. Pay the thieving Cunt a visit, Since his pictures arent actually his, They belong to my friend Ryan. Good day!

Funny
The MySpace About Me Survey -= Tell Us About Yourself =-Name:markBirthday:aug 24 1968How old do you act:Zodiac Sign:virgoCurrent location:canadaEye Color:blueHair Color and Length:short brown hairHeight:5\'6\'Your Heritage:scottishWhat’s Your Middle Name:a

Funny....
How you can be surrounded by friends and yet feel so alone... Hear the voices of many yet not be spoken to... Feel the warmth from them all yet not be touched... See thier faces smiling to the world and not be seen... Funny how many friends you have but haven't got...

Funny, But True
Some funny shit! >>>>> In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the >>>>> animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male >>>>> animal is punishable by death. >>>>> >>>>> (Like THAT makes sense.) >>>>> >>>>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* >>>>> In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's >>>>> genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during >>>>> the >>>>> examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. >>>>> >>>>> (Do they look different reversed?) >>>>> >>>>> *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* >>>>> >>>>> Muslims are banned from looking at the ge nitals of a corpse. >>>>> This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased >>>>> must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. >>>>> >>>>> (A brick??) >>>>> >>>>> *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* >>>>> >>>>> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. >>>>> >>>>> (Much worse than "going b

Funny Joke
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Humanbeings are the only animals that stutter," she said. A girl raises her hand. " I had a kitty who stuttered once." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stoires could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweilerwho loves next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!!" "that must have been scary," the teacher said. "it sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'FFFFF, FFFFFF, FFFFFF' and before he could say "fuck" the rottweiler ate him!

Funny..
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day. 1

Funny Shit Im A Goober!
ashley my friend called me and i was supposed to call her back cause she dont got long distance....well i got off the phone with her went to dial the number dialed the other phone in my house and i was thinkin whos caliin and i am watin for ashley to pick up and i pick up the other phone say hello and no answer and then i hang up the longdistance phone and i hear it on the other phone click and i was like duh it took me a few mins to figure it out i called ashley we were laughin about it for like 20 mins i swear im great!

Funny Bullentin That Was Posted
This was posted about marriages and i thought it was funny as hell.. Marriage funnies for smart women and men who can take it! Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . whether you're here or not." ( OHHH SHE'S GOOD!) Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?

Funny Child Prayer!!!
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy ,Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. Sh

Funny As Hell And So True
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

Funny Things To Try
in this fun world its fun to notice things people can do and dont do 1. you know every time you bend your elbow your mouth opens, 2 watch a parent feed there kid every time the spoon get to there kids mouth 5 people will open there mouth with the kid. 3 stand on a corner of a busy street look up for atleast 5 mins. in that time everyone will be wondering what your looking at 3 keep a smile on your face everyone will wonder what your up too and ive let this pass for about 3 weeks now and no one has mentioned i skipped #4

Funny Shit
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical! We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem . Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again.

Funny Quote
"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something." Haha I LOVE That

Funny And Nasty Poems!!!
Man The Things I Post Just To Amuse Myself And Others!!! XD Kids In Backseats Cause Accidents...Accidents In Backseats Cause Kids" Sky Is Blue Water Is Wet I'll Make You Cum I'll Make You Sweat Pressed Up Against My Body Movin Up And Down Slowly But Firmly We'll Move The Ground Kissing Is A Habit Fucking Is A Game Guys Get All The Pleasure Girls Get All The Pain 10 Minutes Of Pleasure 9 Months Of Pain 3 Days In The Hospital A Baby Without A Name The Baby Is A Bastard The Mother Is A Whore This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!! Sex Is Like Math You Subtract The Clothes Add The Bed Divide The Legs And Pray To God You Dont Multiply Roses Are Red Grass Is Green Open Your Legs And I'll Fill You With Cream Hickory Dickory Dock This Bitch Was Suckin My Cock The Clock Struck Two I Dumped My Goo And Dumped Her To The End Of The Block Sex Is Good Sex Is Fine Doggy Style & 69 Just For Fun Or Gettin Paid Everyone Lik

Funny Adult & Sex Jokes
Woman Says, Man Hears What a woman says: This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears: Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW. Optimistic Jack Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack was very optimistic -- even if a situation was terrible, Jack could always think of a way it could be worse. Everyone in the town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to to lie to Jack. "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't that terrible?" "Sure, it's terrible, but it could've been worse!" "How could THAT possibly have been worse?" "Well, if it had been the night before I would've been

Funny
>for you meditating souls...from the great Swami > >________________________________ > >Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its >place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there >was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it. > >All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the >screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, >never made any friends. > >One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in >Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The >next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to >Nepal. > >After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant >monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep >in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he >awoke, the screw would have been removed. > >The man immediately went to the roo

Funny Advice For Men And Women On Pleasing Each Other
Send 'Advice for Men and Women' to a friend Print Version of Advice for Men and Women Funny Gags and Pranks How to Please a Woman Follow this advice if you wish to impress your girlfriend. Compliment her; respect her; honor her; cuddle her; caress her; love her; kiss her; stroke her; buy things for her; tease her; comfort her; protect her; hug her; hold her; spend money on her; wine and dine her; listen to her; care for her; stand by her; support her; hold her. How to Please a Man Follow this advice if you wish to impress your boyfriends. Show up naked; Bring beer.

Funny Shit
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE". The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

Funny Joke Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well nev

Funny How Life Works .....
funny how life works and changes you in what seems like overnight, one minute your on the bottom of the sea, the next your on the highest mountain lookin down over everyone just to find out theres someone sittin higher than you. what makes us think of ourselves as greater than the next person, if we could stand next to our ownselves would we be quick to judge ourselves as quick as we judge others? And who said that we all are perfect? we all have our imperfections and blotches that we all try to mask with either make-up or point the finger at someone else, but what we sometimes fail to remember that there are 3 other fingers pointed back us when we point that 1 finger at someone else. would the world be any different if we were all the same? would anyone judge each other if we all shared the same look, emotions, feelins, desires? would there be 1 that stood out the crowd and yelled "HEY WORLD I REFUSE TO BE THE SAME!!" and would anyone listen to that person? just something to thin

Funny Isn't It????? Lmao
Okay I have done 3 Celebrity look alikes, all with different photo's. It is funny and amazing which celebrities I look most like. I always loved the sound of music, and in my first look alike I look most like Julie Andrews. Actually if you look at all of them I still look more like Julie Andrews than any of the others.......LMAO My First..... My Second..... My Third.....

Funny Dirty Joke As Shared To Me By A Friend!
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he

Funny Anagrams
Funny Anagrams Dormitory = Dirty Room Evangelist = Evil's Agent Desperation = A Rope Ends It The Morse Code = Here Come Dot Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em Animosity = Is No Amity Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness = Genuine Class Semolina = Is No Meal A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one Contradiction = Accord not in it The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Funny Stuffs
i can't tell you that i like you, even though i have since last year, when you had a girlfriend i dreamed every night that yall broke up and now that you like me, i'm miserable, because you won't do anything about it. I cant believe that after all this time, i find i still care for you. even after what you did to me, after all the shit that happened. i want to hear your voice every time the phone rings..... i can't stop thinking about him, but i really want to because i know if we fell in love, it would destroy me. only if you knew how much i loved you he knows i like him but he doesnt know that i like his best friend too I tell everyone he is just a friend, but really he means more to me than anyone. i never fell out of love with him even though i'm the one that walked away, i still pray for us to be together one day even though i've convinced everyone else but myself that i'm completely over him my heart sank when i first laid eyes on you and i would give not

Funny Joke - Murphys Sex Laws
Funny Joke - Murphys Sex Laws 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that

Funny
WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touche

Funny
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him. The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, you should soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

Funny Joke - Smokin Dope
Funny Joke - Smokin Dope Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you wont be sent to jail." So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. I got 17 people to get off drugs, says the first guy. Wow, howd you do that? asks the judge. I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs. Oh, thats nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs. Wow. Howd you do that? asked the judge. Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...

Funny Joke - New Priest In Town
Funny Joke - New Priest in Town There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had fallen. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me theyve fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I dont know what youre laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!

Funny Joke - Applyling For A Job In Cia
Funny Joke - Applyling for a Job in CIA Applying for a Job at the CIA A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and theres a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "youre defin

Funny Joke - Whos The Boss?
Funny Joke - Whos the Boss? A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers." she said. "Thats right, said the husband, "and dont you ever forget it. Im the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!" She replied, "Thats right...and thats the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Funny Star Trek Joke
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met Condoleezza Rice. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." Condoleezza Rice said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs." "My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek." " Condoleezza Rice laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

Funny Ass Shit Like. Ben Stiller Funny
Last night I had a dream where I was at a bachelor party at my friends house. There where 4 strippers who just happened to be Jenna Haze, Auroro Snow, and 2 other fine chicks one of them kind of looked like Tawny Roberts but wasn't and the other was some cute brunette (all porn stars for those of you who don't know). After they got there they just start dyking out and eating each others pussies, and flirting with everybody. For some reason my friends grandma was home at the time and she was not very happy about the whole scene and called the cops. So everyone was leaving and Jenna told me that her and the other girls didn't have anywhere to go around here and asked if it was ok if they came over to my house and got high. Then instead of the dream turning into some kind of crazy sex orgy with me and 4 hot freaky as hell girls, I actually said that it wasn't a good idea because it was morning and I had to go to work soon. So I know what your thinking and upon awakening this mo

Funny Shit
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _________________________________________________________________ TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 tim es you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succee

Funny Shit
Ever wonder why men think alot, and women talk so much....?" MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile... If u have sex 365 times a yr and u melted down all da condoms 2 make a tire what would u call it? a fuckin goodyear! Sex is like playing spades. If u don't have a good partner, u better have a good hand. Big Bad Wolf told lil red riding hood lift ur top so i can suck ur tits. no, she said while lifting her skirt, eat me like the fuckin book says! A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. the cat fell in and the rooster laughed. Whats the morale of the Story? A wet pussy make a Happy cock! Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard

Funny And A Good One
The Sex Fairy This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy! 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. ============ 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. ============= 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. ============= 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! ============= 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with

Funny
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. >Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the Closet. >Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. >The boy now has company. >Boy: "Dark in here." >Man: "Yes it is." >Boy: "I have a baseball." >Man: "That's nice." >Boy: "Want to buy it?" >Man: "No, thanks." >Boy: "My dad's outside." >Man: "OK, how much?" >Boy: "$250." >In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover >are in the closet together. >Boy: "Dark in here." >Man: "Yes, it is." >Boy: "I have a baseball glove." >Man: "How much?" >Boy: "$750." >Man: "Fine." >A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go >outside and toss the baseball." >The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." >The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" >The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your >friends like that. That is way more tha

Funny!!!!!!!
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his >deplorable infidelity ... when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced >the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.>>> Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The >little girl was chatting away at her father when all of the sudden the >penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off. >> Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck >was that?" >>> Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at > such a young age, the father replied, "It>was only a bug, Honey," >>> The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment >said, > "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?">

Funny Stuff
NODDY -- [noun]:A level headed person who always makes the wrong decision 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com and my given name hehe CHARLOTTE -- [adjective]:Sexually stunning 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Funny
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Larry is recovering in Room 232.

The Funniest Thing That Happened To Me In A While
the funniest thing that happened to me in a while was when i was at work one day (i work at a KFC) and a guy comes up to me and asks me, "excuse me, do you model?" i was like, "yea, i model. thats why i work a minimum wage job at KFC." he was like, "oh, im sorry. you looked like you modeled." i was thinking, "me?!? model?!? are you crazy?!?" that is the funniest thing that happened to me in a long time. which makes me wonder.... what was the funniest thing thats ever happened to you?

Funny
Dearest Redneck Daughter, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not to sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried and hot because it took h

Funny Stuff
DO YOU FART IN BED? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FROM LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVE RY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN' T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPST AIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLE

Funny
BASICS: Name: Age: Location: Height: Hair: Eyes: Piercings/tattoos: OTHER: 1. Where would we go on dates? 3. Do you drink/smoke?? 4. Do you like the beach? 5. If so...would you go with me late at night? 6. Do you like movies? 7. If so would you stay up and watch them with me all night? 8. If I were to take you out to a movie would we watch the movie? 9. If not what would we be doing? 10. Do you play an instrument? 12. Would you call me right after we saw each other to make sure I made it home alright? 14. Favorite body part on a gurl/guy? 17. Would you give me kisses just because? What Would You do if... I cried: I said I liked you: I kissed you: I wanted to have sex with you: I touched your ass: I got dumped: What Do You Think Of My...(lo0k at ma pics) Personality: Eyes: Face: Hair: Clothes: Would You... make me wake up at 4am to buy you something : Keep a secret if I told you one: Hold my hand: Love me: Makeout with me: Hold me in

Funny
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, Which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That'

Funny Shit
So this was something I could not keep to myself. I went to the store this morning on my way to work. I needed gas and I decided to pick up some organic chips (because hey I'm trying to diet). Anyway I paid ...got back in my car, and just as I was about to pull out of the parking lot, this guy, who had to be at least 60 walks by me, he had these old man glasses and a ball cap (pretty normal) until you realize he's wearing an eighties workout get up. You know the shirt cut off just above the belly so you can see your stomach. His pants, or shorts (because they were cut off at the knee) I couldn't quite figure out if they were spandex, if not it fooled me. They were so tight. As he passed me I noticed this tiny pink thong a womans thong, I kid you not a womans thong showing from the back of this guys pants. I was laughing so hard I was crying. He stops before entering the store and changes his mind, turns to head back past me to his really nice Mercedes, when it became comepletely obviou

Funny Yet So True
Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Y

Funny Stuff In Bulletins
These can't be real thoughts and postings on there. I mean just some of the top few i read seem more childish than something my 7 year old niece would write. You people sure do know how to make someone laugh, thank you. I honestly think most of those bulletins are just for a joke(except one). No one can be that dimwitted. I loved commenting on them too. How everyone could say such drivel in their replies is beyond me.

Funny.....
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!” She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."

Funny How My Mood Influences My Playlist...
For those who dont understand rap... here are the lyrics: Killa, Killa, Killa, DipSet Bitch, DipSet Bitch, DipSet Bitch D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-damn [Verse 1] Them niggaz pumpin dimes, trunk pumpin mine I really make cake, you could call me Duncan Hines Had a drunken mind, club wobbled out Next stop, start trouble inside the waffle house Mmm, click the nine, yup skip the line Looked at home boy yo, your bitch is mine Had a little knife, tried to flick his shine Had a big gat, click clack, hit recline Don't ever complain, over no dumb dame See you big money, I'll turn 'em to chump change Let my muscles show, cause I'm like Russell Crowe Beautiful mind, took his bitch, hustle hoe That was her boo, yes sir true But I collect the chicken, call me Purdue His ex wife, a new sex life But ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-check it, go get ya wet wipes [Hook] Go get ya wet wipes, go get ya wet wipes Go get ya wet wipes, go get ya wet wipes I see your head lights, they lookin dea

Funny...lol
A UCLA Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." ( YOU GO GIRL!)

Funny Stuff
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,

Funnel Cakes
Recipe Rating: Prep Time: 15 min Total Time: 45 min Makes: 10 servings, 1 funnel cake each 1-1/2 cups flour 1/4 cup granulated sugar 1-1/2 tsp. CALUMET Baking Powder 1/2 tsp. baking soda 1/4 tsp. salt 2 eggs 1 cup milk 1 tsp. vanilla Oil, for frying 1/4 cup powdered sugar SIFT flour, granulated sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt into large mixing bowl; set aside. Beat eggs, milk and vanilla in bowl with wire whisk until well blended. Add to flour mixture; mix well. HEAT oil to 375°F in large saucepan or deep fryer. Slowly pour 1/4 cup of the batter into hot oil in a free-form lattice pattern. Cook 30 sec. on each side or until golden brown on both sides. Drain funnel cake on paper towels. Repeat with remaining batter, allowing oil to return to 375°F between batches. SPRINKLE with powdered sugar. KRAFT KITCHENS TIPS Make it Easy Use a plastic squeeze bottle to pour the batter into the hot oil. Cut the tip wide enough to form a steady stream of batte

Funny Shit!!!
Something I wanted to share cause I know that all of you, My loved twisted caring friends that you are! So the other day I went to go see my ex-husband for a min cause I am leaving state which most of you all know! But anyway we were talking and he just hit me with the ole' "I need a copy of the divorce papers" thing. OUCH yeah that hurt! Yeah but anyway he is remarried and needs them for some military paper work... But any way you all get the point right??? So I went to storage last night and got the paper out as I am still debaiting giving him a copy. But as I am looking then over I noticed the date and a little light goes off in my head. The day that we were divorced Oct. 1 2002 is the same day that He got remarried but that was 2005!!! ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Funny Little Survey
Just a few crazy questions!!! by ruthyWhat is your name?: JessieDo you go to church?: Sure as hell don'tBurger King or Wendy's?: Ohhhh Wendy'sPiano or bass?: Basscooking or cleaning?: You can do bothDo you believe in God?: Sure don't When is your birthday?: Every damn yearPepsi or Coke?: CokeNike or Reebok?: NikeSteelers or Lakers?: Yeah rightYankees or Boston Red Sox?: HmphhBAsketball or baseball?: Well baseball has men in tight pantsDo you like school?: I love it when the boy goes every morningDo you like singing?: If it is done wellDo you play an instrument?: Depends on what you define instrument asPrince of Bel-Air or Friends?: FriendsGospel or Rock?: RockWho is your favorite band?: Black SabbathDo you play a sport?: Just sex for me thanksAre you smart?: Uh, smarter than most of the people I knowWhat is your nationality?: HeheheWhat is your favorite color?: Black or ChromeWhat is your favorite holiday?: HalloweenWould you rather have a sister or a brother?:

Funny..... I Was A Donut
I wish I was a donut And get eaten every day To stick on someone's fingers In a most delightful way I wish I was a donut Sugar coated just for fun Full and round for easy grip And a hole to put your tongue I wish I was a donut Long and filled with custard cream Delicious on the taste buds A succulent silken dream

Funny.....boobs
Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble Mine just stay still in one place In the breast hall of fame You won't see my name For my boobs there would be a disgrace Sure boobs of my size have their merit They're easy to fit with a bra And when I go for a dip You won't see one slip…out They stay put…just where they are And I'm not one to seek much attention So you won't find me strutting about In a boob tube that's trying by gravity defying to leave no room, not even for doubt But I sure envy big breasted women I've seen them at parties you know With all confidence thrust In their mighty big bust Entrancing the men as they go Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy That it's not all it's cracked up to be She says in frustration "Try to hold conversation When there's only two things a guy sees" Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them To, say thirty-six b or c Would they still look so natural And could I class them as collateral Sorta like home im

Funny Facts
“Move closer to the wall, my son, and speak into the grille Confession is the saviour of the soul If there’s something on your conscience, if you’re feeling weak or ill Confess... and ye shall once again be whole! Ask the lord for his salvation, he is waiting for your call” “I’m afraid I’ve sinned too greatly” said the voice behind the wall. “Let’s see if I have got it straight - your wife... her name is Liza She’s inclined to wear her dresses rather short She was bending over looking for an ice cream in the freezer When you, behind her, had this lustful thought She had to lean way over, for she isn’t very tall...” “And I wanted chocolate brickle” said the voice behind the wall. “Now, I know you’re newly-married (since you made your vows before us) But married people often act up thus It sometimes spoils the pleasure if the sex is too decorous So I see no reason why to make a fuss Perhaps your wife objected... did she try to start a brawl?” “No... I think she rathe

Funny
Ever wonder why men think alot, and women talk so much....? MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile... If u have sex 365 times a yr and u melted down all da condoms 2 make a tire what would u call it? a fuckin goodyear! Sex is like playing spades. If u don't have a good partner, u better have a good hand. Big Bad Wolf told lil red riding hood lift ur top so i can suck ur tits. no, she said while lifting her skirt, eat me like the fuckin book says! A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. the cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The cat said, a wet pussy always makes a cock happy Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make soft things hard

Funny Sh Cmds
Funny Unix csh/sh commands: --------------------------- % cat "food in cans" cat: can't open food in cans % nice man woman No manual entry for woman. % rm God rm: God nonexistent % ar t God ar: God does not exist % ar r God ar: creating God % "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence? Unmatched ". % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Missing ]. % ^How did the sex change operation go? ^ Modifier failed. % If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have? Too many ('s. % make love Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop. % got a light? No match. % man: why did you get a divorce? man:: Too many arguments. % !:say, what is saccharine? Bad substitute. /* not csh but sh */ $ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense no sense in pretending! $ drink bottle: cannot open opener: not found -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" (a018967t@BCFRE

Funny Story About Men/women
This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor! One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one t

Funny Quotes
*a peach is a peach a plum is a plum a kiss isnt a kiss without some tongue *Roses are red violets are blue god made me pretty what the fuck happened to you? *GUYS ARE LIKE ROSES WATCH OUT FOR THE PRICKS *I'm Loved by some, Hated by many, Envied by most, Yet wanted by plenty *If ur naughty go 2 ur room.. If u wanna be naughty, go 2 mine *God created men first, cause you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece! *God made coke god made pepsi god made me so darn sexy * All Good Girls And Boys Go To Heaven Thats Why I Wasnt Invited *The more I get to know guys, the more I like dogs *guys are like slinkies its always fun to watch them fall down the stairs *Star light ....Star bright .... where the heck is Mr. Right? *If u need space join NASA baby!!!

Funny Ethnic Jokes - Learn Chinese In Five Minutes
Funny Ethnic Jokes - Learn Chinese In Five Minutes That's not right... Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive?... Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me ASAP... Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man... Dum Gai Small Horse... Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here... Wai So Dim? I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone... No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week... Wai Yu Kum Nao? Staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu

“funny Classified Ads”
“Funny Classified Ads” 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from gra

Funny Ha Ha
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up. “He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup,” the clerk explains. “So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.” “Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot,” the owner shouts angrily. “Sure it will,” the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”

Funny.
I went to this "Irish" bar thing over the weekend. Went with a friend, who met up with a couple other friends. To say the least... it was interesting. First of all, it was right smack in the middle of 2 mexican bars. Also a known area apparently for drive by's since it's right off state street in SLC. Didn't know that, lol. Secondly, there was some chick there with dreads that kept poppin her head in the middle of conversations and interjecting random thoughts. Then would apologize and tell us she was drunk... and had also taken a muscle relaxer. I'd say which one but it's slipped my mind lol. Then I'm trying to leave, I'm standing at the bar flaggin down the bartender, asking to get my tab so I can pay and get outta there. I have this enormous guy sitting next to me. I mean he had to be well over 300 lbs. "Scuse me, mind if I ask you a question?"he asks. I tell him sure even tho he was already starting to ask me the question anyways. "Do you know how much a po

Funny Sayings
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet. Children will soon forget your presents, they will always remember your presence. - Dobson There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it--Chinese Proverb There are only a few pretty children in the world and every mother has them.--AML Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. They say kids brighten the home. That's because they never

Funny Names
Now since I have been on here, I have seen quite a few profile names scroll across the top. My two favorites so far are "I didn't lose my virginity, I know were I left it" and "I swing like Helen Keller at a pinata party" LOL does any one have any more they crack me up.

Funnies
SOME JOKES TO KEEP YOU LAUGHING!!! ENJOY A Collection of Jokes to Offend Everyone What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. ( MY FAVORITE) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? Bingo machine. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Why did God create alcohol?

Funny As Hell Survey
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

Funny ? & Bit Bored Ere Like ;)
New Definitions !!! The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-Nilly, adj. Impotent. 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

Funny
Wal Mart has everything ! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He

Funny Funny
if u read u most comment dont care what u say as long as u tell what u r me myself am a aries so if ud like to comment to me being one ladies feel free just remember MUST TELL WHAT U R IF U READ IT lol i hope u enjoy Naughty Horoscopes Aries LIVES for head massages. ANY part of their head: Lips, Eyelids, Eyes, Tongue, you name it! Aries also likes to fuck in public places during business hours. You need to be open minded with an Aries...If you don't feel like being duct taped to a wall and beaten with live ferrets: Tell Them. Be warned! IF you don't want to be kinky, don't be with an Aries. If you say 'No' too often to them you may lose them as a lover forever. Aries Idea of Heaven Is: Participating in live sex shows for money. Having their favorite human toy win first place in a pony boy/girl race. Fucking as an art form on display in a gallery. They secretly crave to be strippers or Annie Sprinkle. Aries LIVES to be jealous...they also like to coordinate other people

Funny..
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f****d?" The fellow said "No" She said "You will be when the tide comes in"

Funny
thing is i know the echoes that flitter to and fro I love looking into the eyes of one whose are dark as mine. but sometimes its mirror image makes a negative space between two and sometimes is lost in never. well there may be few there may be many, all we know is that when they arrive. its for real. theyll sit there like theyre not giving a fuck. theyll sit there like nervous twitch just itching to touch you theylll sit there like flowers: decomposing in the sun, flourishing in the wet ice. And now remember theyll come unto you like a maniac dream and sometimes all you want is to sleep in that dream for ever sometimes when you wake up, it all feels like its been robbed sometimes when you come down from the ladder you get a headache comeuppance. why does it even matter. dreams are television like life is theater.

Funny Blog
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting

Funnies Xo
Christmas Carols for the Disturbed 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy…oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate? - why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle B

Funny Poems
Two i created.... 8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning 831= i love you Roses are thorny violets are purple Thinkin of you makes me oh so damn horny The rest compliments from a freinds bulleton Sky is blue Water is wet I'll make you cum I'll make you sweat Pressed up against my body Movin up and down Slowly but firmly We'll move the ground Kissing Is A Habit Fucking Is A Game Guys Get All The Pleasure Girls Get All The Pain 10 Minutes Of Pleasure 9 Months Of Pain 3 Days In The Hospital A Baby Without A Name The Baby Is A Bastard The Mother Is A Whore This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!! Sex is like math You subtract the clothes Add the bed Divide the legs And Pray to god You dont multiply Roses are red Grass is green Open your legs And I'll fill you with cream Hickory dickory dock This bitch was suckin my cock The clock struck two I dumped my goo And dumped her to the end of the block Sex is goo

Funny Shit
funny shit... me and my friend bens convo RockLoverGirl4U (5:11:33 AM): stop stuffing your mouth with cock BEn BEN (5:12:32 AM): stop getting fucked in the ass by black guys RockLoverGirl4U (5:13:06 AM): stopped getting fucked by DRAG QUEENS BITCH BEN (5:14:11 AM): stop getting double teamed by two greezy midgets in elf costumes RockLoverGirl4U (5:15:04 AM): really quit getting fucked by two fat ass ladys with tits hanging down to there knees and there hole as big as your head. BEN (5:16:49 AM): quit letting Oscar the grouch and big bird jack off on your face on the corner of Sesame street bitch! BEN (5:17:09 AM): and having cookie monster pay you 10 cookies for a blow job BEN (5:17:22 AM): and then the count bitch slaps you as he counts to ten RockLoverGirl4U (5:18:09 AM): hmm really you wanna fight. RockLoverGirl4U (5:18:20 AM): ill go lorena bobbit on you BEN (5:18:29 AM): and then you got in bed with Burt and Ernie and they both gave you a golden shower RockLove

Funny!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a Labrador Retriever and I was buying a large bag of of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? (DUH!) On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet: and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

Funny
CHRISTMAS GREETINGS He laid her on the table, So white clean and bare, His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck, Then felt her breast, Then drooling, felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry, The hole was wide........ He looked inside, All was dark and murky, He rubbed his hands, And stretched his arms......... And then he stuffed the turkey. May I be the first to wish your dirty little mind a merry Christmas.

Funny
got the last seven questions wrong too. But this is so funny _______________________________ A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks

Funny!!!
1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point to BEER 2.Warm beer tastes awful. One point to VAGINA 3.A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER 4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point to VAGINA 5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being. 6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to VAGINA 7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend. One point to VAGINA 8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you

Funny Survey
1. If you were to be stranded on a planet inhabited by giant lobster-like beings, and could only bring one type of fruit, what type would you bring? watermelon 2. What kind of insect would you prefer to eat with your breakfast cereal? ants 3. When angels dance on the head of a pin, what kind of dance do they perform? Lambada, the Forbidden Dance 4. What would you wear to an exhibition of invisible man-eating zombie llamas? the Emperor's new clothes 5. If a tree falls in the forest and claps one hand, what colour is the sound that is produced? plaid 6. How many eggs make up a pound? 24 7. What colour of nail polish would be the best to wear when invoking a goddess to rescue you from a colony of man-eating mountain monks? black 8. How much more ridiculous can these questions possibly become? infinitely 9. If you were going to hold a dinner party for five deities, which deities would you invite, and what kind of pasta would you serve? Zeus, Buddha, Yog

Funny Answers
In 2007, you will... Have sex while on stilts 'What is your sexual new years prediction?' at QuizUniverse.com Candice Fantasy realization expert 'What will your sex business card say?' at QuizUniverse.com Candice Fantasy realization expert 'What will your sex business card say?' at QuizUniverse.com Yo

Funny Stuff
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disorient Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is Ankaran so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingl

Funny...(thanks Princessv75)
Tricky question 2 A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?" "Jewelry, dear."

Funnies
Ok...this is where I will post my funnies and stuff like that to keep it out of my normal blog where I bitch and rant and just talk about every day stuff. Hope you all enjoy reading them. I hate sending forwards and stuff to people, so I just post them and people can choose to read them. hope you all have a wonderful day. Hugs, Moon Beam

Funny List For Army
Here is a funny list I ran across the other day while attempting to search out information on military boards.... It is hilarious and most of it is quite true May not understand it if you have no asociation with the military, but then again enjoy. The Skippy List Explanations of these events: a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.) b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.) c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.) d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. ("What about especially patriotic porn?") e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. ("Schwarz...what is *that*?" said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? "Um....a rubber sheep...I can explain why that's there....") To explain how I've stayed out of jail/alive/not

Funny Shit I Do
And i also pend many boring hours when i have nothing to creating ansering machine messagesRoses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep "Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished." I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll reply Like Barney (the purple dinosaur): I'll call you, cause you called me. We're the ______ family. So leave your name and number at the tone. Sorry that we're not at home. "Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can." "Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..." Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sug

Funny Fakes!
IF YOU LOOK AT ALL THE FUNNY COMMENTS FROM THE LITTLE DRONES ON OUR PROFILE ASKING FOR A SALUTE!THEN WE GET VARIFIED!NOW EAT YOUR OWN WORDS HATERS!WE JUST LAUGH!CAUSE IF YOU CLICK ON ALL THIER PAGES THEY HAVE A KNOWN FAKE AS A FRIEND!AND THE FUNNIEST THING IS YOU WHO LEAVE HATE COMMENTS GAVE US POINTS ANYWAYS!

Funny Stuff
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy...Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone

Funny Porn Pics.........without The Nudity
CATWOMAN? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH OUT BATMAN? DOES HE KNOW YOUR HERE? IF THIS WORKED MORE GEEKS WOULD GET SOME!! YEAH.....UH HUH.....ID NEVER SEE THAT AT MINE!! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! YEAH RIGHT!! I WISH IT WAS THIS FUN!! HELL NO!! NO WAY!! OH GOD LOOK OUT..... .....NOT AGAIN!!!

Funny Angel Survey, What's Your Results?
You scored as Angel of Death. You were an Angel of death! Before you were sent to Earth to be tested and be a human, you were what brought death upon humans. With a look, you could kill anyone. Your unusal intrest in death and love of blood and gore asures that in heaven, you delt with it very much. You were an angel who brought death to all, and what is and forever will be feared by humans. Your old deathly stare still scares people and you still crave for killing.Angel of Death93%Guardian Angel71%Angel of Guidance46%Angel of Prayer36%Angel of Hope29%Angel of Good Fortune0%What kind of an Angel were you before your life on Earth? (kool anime pics)created with QuizFarm.com

Funny....new Rules!
* ** New Rules for 2007: Courtesy of a Friend on Myspace. It's from a guy's point of view and I'm too lazy to change the wording, so ENJOY! New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, 24 year old, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards." New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of y

Funny As Hell
well, took my kittens yesterday to the vet to be spayed. only samantha got spayed. carrie got neutered. yep . . . .turns out my carrie kitty isn't a carrie kitty AT ALL! vet calls us and tells Harold that we need to change the name. so we did, to Carson. WHOOPS! we've had the cat for months. I checked, my mummy checked, THE VET checked and we ALLLL said "it's a girl". BOY! were WE ever wrong. turns out that he's so fuzzy and they were SOOO little that everyone missed 'em. now that's kinda sad. my cat's balls were SO little that we missed 'em. Toni kitty is/was much fuzzier and we didn't miss his! poor carson kitty. other than that today will be my 3rd day at work. it's going slowly. there are three of us training. two interns and me. *blinks* wow . . .i'm the only full time in this brew haha. maybe others will be in for the series 63 and life insurance. because it'll be REALLY REALLY weird if i'm by myself. but we never know so i'm simply rolling with th

Funny
Subject: Guts v. Balls We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimatelyn result in death. __________________________________________________

Funny We Story 4 Ya..............
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. * * * * * * * * * That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come

Funny "haha"
I left some recent viewers a silly comment about not asking for help when in a store and the employees thinking they are stupid for it. You know, one of my lame things to make people laugh or ban me. Some lady sends me an almost incoherent message about "cander patents" and how I'm the same age and some guy named Jack being so wonderful. I think the gist was me being a terrible person... maybe, difficult to tell. I wrote her back, saying my comments are all in fun, then I bought her a dictionary. I thought it was fitting. I believe she anonymously got me that bottle of aspirin early this morning... only she forgot to buy me a shot of alcohol to wash it down with. You know, if you want to insult someone you should do it all the way.

Funny Shit
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried > piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. > > Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be > covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. > > He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed > a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey > realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's > amazement he quieted down. > > A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He > was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his > back, the donkey was doing something amazing. > He would shake it off and take a step up. > > As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, > he would shake it off and take a step up. > > Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge > of the well and happily

Funny Joke For Adults Only
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

Funny Stuff
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" a

Funny Facts.....
-If you yelled for 8 days, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough energy to heat one cup of coffe (Hardly seems worth it.) -If you farted consistenly for 6 years and 9 month, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) -The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.) -A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) -A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)(I'm still not over the pig.) -Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home....maybe at work.) -The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the .....?!) -The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minute

Funny Thoughts Part 1
Ok so this is a short blog compared to the others that are about to be posted, but my funny thought was, image what a Chinese or Japanese person would sound like if they had a stutter, that would be the most confusing but funny shit ever.

Funny Thoughts Part 2 (this Is Long But Funny)
The other day on my way to Orlando, my buddy Clay and I stopped off at Haines City aka Clermont aka Baseball Stadium City (these fuckers just need to choose a name already, I am just going to call it the road off of I4, cause really that is all it is a road that is no longer then a 1/2 mile long and they give it a name as if it were a fucking town {people who have made the commute from the Tampa area to the Orlando area kno what I am talking agout}). So we stop off at the Mcdonald's there, right away know what I want to eat, so I ordered my food and paid the girl, as I am waiting for my food Clay comes out of the bathroom, the lady says "Hello, what would you like to order", so (Clay if you are reading this much love) so Clay replies "Give me a second I am looking at the menu." Now see this is the kinda bullshit that gets me started (my temper can flair like a pack of hemroids sometimes, I have to mix Alka-Seltzer, My-Lanta, Pepto Bismol, Tums, Jack Daniels, and put them all in a b

Funny Thoughts Part 3 (i Am Really Not Like This)
Ok I have stated before these of what I put down are for fun and humor, it in no way is what I truly believe or feel. Ok I have stated before these of what I put down are for fun and humor, it in no way is what I truly believe or feel. I was thinking the other day, I don't like the name the special olympics for the ( I am not politcally correct either) retarded people. I am happy they have these events they can take place in as an achievment for themselves. But see where my problem comes in with the name is, you have these athletes who practice and train to be the best they can be, they work hard (take The protien shake if you don't understand that, watch 50 1st dates you will) to be able to represent their country in events that only take place once every four years, but some retard running in a straight line holding a ball is special. I used to gamble a lot, and I can't tell you how many times I have lost on these kids, I mean I thought I had a winner, nope they end up frea

Funny Thoughts Part 4 (the Abstinence Pledge)
Abstinence pledges make you horny. In a setback for the morals/values crowd, a new eight-year study just released reveals that American teenagers who take virginity pledges wind up with just as many STD's as the other kids. But that's not all. "Taking the pledge" also makes a teenage girl six times more likely to perform oral sex, and four times more likely to allow anal. Which leads me to an important question: where were these pledges when I was in high school? So, seriously, when I was a teenager, the only kids having anal intercourse, were the ones who missed. My idea of lubrication was oiling my bike chain. If I had known I could have been getting porn-star sex the same year I took Algebra 2 - simply by joining up with the Christian right - I'd have been so down with Jesus, they would have had to pry me out of the pew. And, let me tell you, there is a lot worse things than teenagers having sex. Namely, teenagers not having sex. Here is something you'll never hear: "That su

Funny Thoughts Part 5
I have always been kind of afraid of clowns.............well I guess that probably would have to do with the fact that when i was 7 a clown killed my father at the circus. ALSO I'm like anyone else on this planet -- I'm very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, with those little kids, starving, and very depressed. I watch those kids and I go, 'Fuck, I know the FILM crew could give this kid a sandwich!' There's a director five feet away going, 'DON'T FEED HIM YET! GET THAT SANDWICH OUTTA HERE! IT DOESN'T WORK UNLESS HE LOOKS HUNGRY!!!' But I'm not trying to make fun of world hunger. Matter of fact, I think I have the answer. You want to stop world hunger? Stop sending these people food. Don't send these people another bite, folks. You want to send them something, you want to help? Send them U-Hauls. Send them U-Hauls, some luggage, send them a guy out there who says, 'Hey, we been driving out here every day with your food, for, like, the last thirty or forty years, and w

Funny
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba's dead! What should Ah do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence... and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now whut?"

Funny Thing I Got Them Wrong Too!
Funny thing I got them wrong too! See how you do! hahaha! 1st-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks an

Funny Thing... I Got Them Wrong Too!
Funny thing I got them wrong too! See how you do! laughs... 1st-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Bro

Funny As Hell
TO ALL KC Chiefs Fans -- I am sorry, but I saw it else where and had to do it. Q: What do you call 54 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A: The Kansas City Chiefs. Q: What do the Kansas City Chiefs and Billy Graham have in common? A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ." Q: What do you call a Kansas City Chief with a Super Bowl ring? A: A thief!! Q: Why was Mike Solari upset when the Kansas City Chiefs play book was stolen? A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it. Q: What's the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs and a dollar bill? A: You can still get 4 quarters out of a dollar bill. Q: How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to win a play off game? A: Nobody knows and we may never find out. Q: What do the Kansas City Chief and possums have in common? A: Both get killed on the road.

The Fun Never Ends At Myspace.com
There's just never any lack of companionship at myspace. But damn if tonight "don't beat all", as they say down south. First, I want to put a disclaimer on this: Yes, I love all people of all religions and all philosophical persuasions. But that doesn't mean I've left my brains at the coat rack. Also, I love it that you believe whatever it is that you believe. (I'm glad to meet ANYONE who believes in ANYTHING these days.) But that should not require me to believe it, nor should it mean that I have to believe you're telling the truth. Additionally, I am not required to honour any of your requests for assistance with grave robbing or anything else. And, if you contact me first, and say absurd things to me, then you're fair game as far as I am concerned, as Fodder For The Blog. If any of my pals are pagans, then I apologize in advance for this, but remember that I'm not talking to YOU. I'm talking to this piece of cheese. I got an "Add Me!" request and a personal note, from

Funny
Blonde.... Okay I know this is a typical blonde joke but for the record and to not affend some of my friends and family, not all blondes are dumb....thanks, amanda. ------------------------------- A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!" The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!

Funny Stuff!!
One morning a husband took a pair of > underwear out of his drawer. > > "What the...?" he said to himself as a little > cloud of "dust" appeared > when he shook them out. > > "April!" he shouted to his wife in the > bathroom. "Why did you put talcum > powder in my shorts?" > > She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's........ > Miracle Grow."

Funny
Note: forwarded message attached. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around http://mail.yahoo.com CHINESE PROVERBS > > > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > > > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. > > > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > > > Man who run in front of car get tired. > > > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > > > Man who run behind car get exhausted. > > > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > > > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. > > > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > > > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. > > > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > > > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. > > > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > > > Man with one chopstick go hungry. > > > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > > > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. > > > > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* > > > > Man wh

Funny Shit
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the

Funny Pic Contest
I need your help. I need comment bombers to help me gain on the leader. I will always help you when you need it. Can you give me a hand this time? For all those who helped me yesterday, thanks a million. http://cherrytap.com/viewimage.php?u=396690&albumid=180425&i=3877499900

Funny Questions
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does tha

Funny Questions And Answers
Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar? A. A love call. Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill? A. Leave the plunger in the toilet. Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her) Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A. Doughnuts. Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? A. 100 people who don't do dick. Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory? A. Two test tickles Q. Why did God create alcohol? A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep

Funny Stories
Teen age sex: The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: " Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" __________________ Church: A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said , "Preacher , I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd

Funny Newpaper Headlines
“Crack Found on Governor's Daughter” “Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says” “Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers” “Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?” “Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over” “Miners Refuse to Work after Death” “Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant” “War Dims Hope for Peace” “If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile” “Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures” “Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide” “Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges” “Man Struck by Lightning: Faces Battery Charge” “New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group” “Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft” “Kids Make Nutritious Snacks” “Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half” “Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors” “Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead”

Funny..not Really
funny how shit works out you think you love someone and they feel the same way and then the next they wont talk to you i dont get it i try to understand but i reall cant anywayz hit me up people tell me why shit like this happens

Funny... This Is My Usual Frap
Java Chip Frappuccino You're a caffeine addict and pretty high maintenance about your coffee. There's a good chance that everyone at your Starbucks knows your name. What Flavor Frappuccino Are You?

Funny Gotta Read
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the wor

Funny As Can Be!!!!!
This is soooo funny!! Busted over Beyonce tickets!!!!! Turn on speakers and just listen, it is long but well worth it………….. Just click below and listen while you are doing other things on the computer. you will start laughing your ass off!!!! Click here and enjoy. I promise you will be laughing your ass off!!

Funny
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

Funny Irish Jokes!!
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." ababab Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when

Funny!!!!!!!
While on a flight from New York , > > the Stewardess was busy passing > > out peanuts and cokes to everyone. > > There were about sixteen flights > > lined up waiting to get clearance > > to take off. > > Then the other Stewardess got a > > message from the Pilot that the > > tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they >were first in > > line to take off, and to have > > everyone buckle up. > > Without thinking she just announced > > "Please buckle up, grab your drinks > > and hold your nuts, we're taking off!". > > No one saw her for the rest of the > > flight to Houston, and all the other > > Stewardesses were laughing > > all the way and so were half of > > the passengers.

Funny
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Funny
Accident Report This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response: "I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the to

Funny Lines To Make You Smile
1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17. Being "over the hill" is

Funny Shit...
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are: 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

Funny Stuff
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ************************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ************************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

Funny Video-how Strong Is A Condom?
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Funny Shiz
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. "After a while I

~funny As Fuck~
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms.

Funny
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms.

A Funny One
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?!" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?" The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

Funny Sh%t, Very True!!!
Lmao Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a s

Funny Pics
if you are in need of a good laugh or you want to see some weird shit come and look at my pics I swear you will at least giggle a little bit so if your bored come check em' out, but if you do laugh at least rate them please

Funny
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets bite 2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth 3. Man who getskicked in testicles, left holding the bag 4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. 5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly. 6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day 7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night 8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone. 9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town. 10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew. 11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk 12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement. 13. Man with penis in peanut butter, is fucking nuts. 14. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. 15. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent. 16. Man who go to bed with sex on mind...wake up with solution in hand!

Funny 2
Better to be pi$$ed off than pi$$ed on. Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Woman who wear wonderbra make mountains out of molehills. Man with one chopstick go hungry Man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down. Man who fights wife all day gets no piece at night. Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man gives wife upright organ. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who pee on electric fence receive shocking news. Man who sleep in bed of nails is holy. Man with athletic finger make broad jump. Blonde who fly upside down have crack up. A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work. It take many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it. Man who make love to girl on hill, well, he not on level. Man who sit on tack get point. Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck. Ma

Funny 3
Crowded elevator always smell different to midget. Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs. Don't drink and park - accidents cause people. State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun. He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up. He who plays with self, pulls boner. House without toilet is uncanny. Man trapped in brothel get jerked around. Man's wife his better half, his mistress his better whole. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on whole woman have more. Man who cut self while shaving, lose face. Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father. Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep sh*t. Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone

Funny
Using your hands Your sexual hidden talent is your ability to use your hands. You are damn good with them, and know how to make your lover feel incredibly sexy with just one caress. Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

Funny Thoughts
1) Lays potato chips****you can't eat one**** yes I can and I did!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA 2) socks with sandles***if you want to wear socks then wear real shoes otherwise DON'T DO IT! IT LOOKS STUPID! And now I heard they are making socks for flip flops????? Why on earth would someone do this??? It's wrong oh so very wrong....and really if you are wearing this there should be a law that says anyone can come up and flog you without any type of legal action being taken.

Funny Facts In Life
Sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit... but it's still funny. There is no worse feeling than leaving your mobile at home and then returning to no missed calls or messages. There's nothing you could wish for in life that you couldn't buy from a man in a pub. The trick is to find the right man in the right pub. Attention fat people! Diet Coke is not a magic potion. Never go to Wolverhampton. It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there. People who say "I'm beside myself" are often liars, with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins. Having "juicy" written across your bum does not make it any smaller or more desirable. Under no circumstances should two men ever share the same umbrella. Chips should never cost more than a pound. Practitioners of alternative medicine should be banned from using hospitals. Broken your leg? In unspeakable pain? Have a little faith. Put a crystal on it - you'll be right as rain in no time. Never

Funnies!
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" ------------------------------------------- Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ------------------------------------------- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ------------------------------------------- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. ------------------------------------------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------------------------------------- Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------------------------------------- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ------------------------------------------- The State with the highest percentage

Funny Must Comment On
Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts so bad. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer downat Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe depositsa urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart" That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp

Funny Look And See Barbie And Ken
Now this one is laugh out loud funny. > >> > >>A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that > >>it's his daughter's birthday and he has! not bought her a gift. > >>So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. > >>Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the > >>Barbies are. > >> > >>The girl responds: "Which one? We have: > >> > >>Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95 > >>Volleyball Barbie: $19.95 > >>Shopping Barbie: $19.95 > >>Surfer Barbie: $19.95 > >>Disco Barbie: $19.95 > >>and?DivorcedBarbie: $299.95 > >> > >>Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbies are $19.95?" Exasperated, the girl responds: > >> > >> "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with": > >> > >>Ken's Car > >>Ken's House > >>Ken's Boat > >>Ken's furniture > >>Ken's jewelry > >>Ken's money > >>Ken's computer, and > >>Ken's best friend... > >>

Funny And A Good One
And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like ... 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh",

Funny
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass You have just been e-mooned!

Funny True Headlines
The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006: Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [hmm!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Do they ever read what they write?] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!] Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning:

Funny
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unu

Funniest Page Comment I Have Ever Gotten !!!
I found the answer to that question you asked me about the other day. I think that it's Chlamydia you've got instead of Syphilis. I know you told me that you were having problems with an infectious discharge, which is a common symptom of syphilis, but I think that the constant pain in your lower stomach and burning sensation when you pee are more characteristic of Chlamydia. I know how you didn't want to talk to your parents about it so I didn't mind calling around to find out what is wrong with you. Just being a good friend and letting ya know ~holla back P.S. I heard Walgreens has that cream that you needed for that oral herpes too. And don't worry, it doesn't have any alcohol so it wont burn like the last 7 creams you tried. Oh yeah there is one more thing i forgot to tell you....I'm on the wrong damn page sorry [send this to 10 of your friends to make them laugh] left on my page by ~DemonizedWolf~@ CherryTAP

Funny
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man

Funny
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine". Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care".

Funny,....
I found the answer to that question you asked me about the other day. I think that it's Chlamydia you've got instead of Syphilis. I know you told me that you were having problems with an infectious discharge, which is a common symptom of syphilis, but I think that the constant pain in your lower stomach and burning sensation when you pee are more characteristic of Chlamydia. I know how you didn't want to talk to your parents about it so I didn't mind calling around to find out what is wrong with you. Just being a good friend and letting ya know ~holla back P.S. I heard Walgreens has that cream that you needed for that oral herpes too. And dont worry, it doesnt have any alchohol so it wont burn like the last 7 creams you tried. Oh yeah there is one more thing i forgot to tell you....I'm on the wrong damn page sorry [send this to 10 of your friends to make them laugh]

Funny Day
Did anyone see the high speed chase in Miami today? They showed it during the noon newscast live here in Detroit. Oh yes.. the high speed vehicle they were chasing was a rented U-Haul Truck. So Ive been reading threats from minor folks today... Our Naval Friend really makes me laugh.. A real jackass to compliment the wannabe bad ass..

Funny
>---- > >One for the ladies > >One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- > > >shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, >"What setting do I use on the washing machine?" > > >"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" > > >He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma " > > >And they say blondes are dumb... > > >----------------------------------------------------------- > > >A couple is lying in bed. The man says, > > >"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." > > >The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." > > >----------------------------------------------------------- > > >"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of >the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed >the lawn like this?" > > >"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. > > >-------------------------------------------------------

Funnies
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy is sitting in the barber's chair and becoming anxious, so the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him quiet. As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. "Do you have hair on your goodie?" asks the barber. "Don't be silly, you old pervert! I'm only eight years old!"

Funny
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy Lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with Pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's Fat!" The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!" The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!"

A Funny
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at General Motors think of everything...

Funny Story
ok there's a funny story about yesterday (my last official day of a 2 week internship at an Exxon station). so jennifer and i were workin the cash register and the phones. i answered the phone while she was doing something (i cant remember wat) but it was this guy with a REALLY thick spanish accent. he asked for aldo (which i figured out after askin him to repeat himself a few times) who is a mechanic at the station. aldo knew exactly who i was talkin about when i went and told him to pick up the phone. then the recycling guy came by, askin if we needed to recycle anything. i walked him out to peter all the way across the lot and as i was walkin back, this guy who didnt quite LOOK hispanic, stopped me and started talkin to me. we chatted for awhile in our version of spanglish. he thought i was pedro's daughter cuz aldo had said i was, he told me he was peruvian (i think) like aldo, that he worked at a liquor store down the road. after awhile, aldo came out and helped george

Funny Story
ok so like 6 months ago my dad's cats had kittens and i ended up with 3 female cats. well my sister took one so that left me with 2 females....or so i thought. anyways a couple weeks ago, one of the females kept attacking the other, while they were wrestling (yeah right) i noticed something that shouldn't have been between my one females legs. so to make a long story short my female now has her balls cut off and is really pissed at me.

Funny Pick Up Lines
HE : Can I buy you a drink? SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money. HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HE : How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE : I must've been given your share. HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HE : Your face must turn a few heads. SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE : Okay, get out. HE : I think I could make you very happy. SHE : Why? Are you leaving? HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE : Can I have your name? SHE : Why? Don't you already have one? HE : Shall we go see a movie? SHE : I've already seen it. HE : Where have

Funny Cat Story
Funny Cat Story You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one... We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. we phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the door to leave the house. the cat we had put out in the backyard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi while I went inside to get the cat. the cat ran upstairs with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night...so, she explained to the driver that I would be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, I got into the cab "Sorry I took so long," I said as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.

Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and >had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in >order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss >certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted >sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit >she wanted to be buried in. > >Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the >young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's >one more thing," she said excitedly. > >"What's that?" came the pastor's reply. > >"This is very important," the young woman continued. >"I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." > >The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. > >"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked. > >"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor. > >Th

Funny Chant
Running through the jungle with my dick in my hand I'm a mean mother fucka I'm phi delt man line a hundred bitches up against the wall I fuck 98 but couldn't fuck'em all so I backed off jacked off ate the other two and when I go to hell I'll fuck the devil too. AHHHHHHHHHHH SHHITTTTTTTT!

Funny Stuff
River Trip At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him a

Funny
In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi. The increased electricity used by modern appliances is causing a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid-Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa. The idea for "tribbles" in "Star Trek" came from gerbils, since some gerbils are actually born pregnant. Male rhesus monkeys often hang from tree branches by their amazing prehensile penises. Johnny Plessey batted .331 for the Cleveland Spiders in 1891, even though he spent the entire season batting with a rolled-up, lacquered copy of the Toledo Post-Dispatch. Smearing a small amount of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve the itching and swelling. The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down if it weren't for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over. The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man was o

Funny
Darned If I Know......... > > A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find > out about something > exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When > the time came to > present what they'd found, the first little boy walked > up to the front of > the class made a small white dot .on the blackboard > and sat back down. > Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's > a period,'' said the > little boy. > > Well, I can see that,'' she said, "but what is so > exciting about a > period???" > > Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, "but this > morning my sister was > missing one. Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, > and the man next door > shot himself."

Funny Quote
I went to see how my grandma was at the hospital today. She had her uturus removed I think. She had some cancer cists on there. Very scary. What did she say when I walked into the room? "I can't have children anymore!" Hahaha the lady is a trip. Just from that I knew she was going to be fine. She walked around the wing of the place. She was tired and went back to bed. So that made me feel better.. My dad got his car tire stuck with a nail in it. So i gotta go get him at the auto shop. have a great weekend everybody ~Timmy~

Funny Thoughts
Remember... Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put some in the food. ...If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. Whatever hits the fan... Will Not Be Evenly Distributed. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, just don't have any film. I always know...God won't give me more than I can handle. There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much. Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff If the shoe fits... buy a pair in every color. Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out. Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian. Not any more than standing in a garage makes you a car! Bills travel through the mail... at twice the speed of checks. If you look like your passport picture... you probably need the trip. Some days are a total waste of makeup. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. A balanced diet is a cookie in each

Funny One
Two men were driving on Route 15 in Las Vegas when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK," the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Nevada, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Nevada, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd hell did you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger

Funny Paternity Explanations
funny paternity explanations - (allegedly) from Child Support Agency (CSA) forms These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad their own right some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy. "..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.." "..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.." "..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.." "..I

Funny Signs
funny quotes, funny signs and graffiti from bars, public toilets and restrooms (allegedly) There are 10 types of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't. (Ack J Kincaid and P Lewis) There are three sorts of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't. (ack P Lewis) Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot. (thanks MK) RockShitFuckDie (graffiti on the wall of a male washroom in a pub, and someone's idea of the meaning of life, ack CJ) Five out of four people can't do fractions. I am neither for nor against apathy. (On the wall above a urinal in a men's WC at a university at the height of US social unrest in the 1960's - ack TC) Beware of a man with a gleam in his eyes - it may just be the sun shining through the hole in his head. (Women's restroom graffiti, ack Tim Ryan) The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open. (Graffiti in a women's restroom) To do is to be - Descartes, To be is to do - Vol

Funny Kids Quotes
funny quotes - school-children's biblical answers Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired and took the Sabbath off. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were proud people and throughout history had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of jesus she sang the Magna Carta. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. He also explain

Funny Kis Quotes 2
funny sunday school children's answers (Apparently from Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio, collected over three years by two teachers. If you know more about the source please let us know.) Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female

Funny Kids 3
funny quotes school-children's science answers H2O is hot water and C02 is cold water. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops. For drowning, climb on top of the person to make artificial perspiration. For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For a head cold, use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops into your throat. (Thanks to the lady who sent these - sorry I lost your name when my system went down. If you know the origins please contact us.)

Funny Love Quotes
funny love quotes "It's so long since I had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom." (Joan Rivers) "Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the postion is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable." ( Lord Chesterfield) "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." (Sasha Guitry) "Splendid couple - slept with both of them." (Maurice Bowra) "My wife is a sex object every time I ask for sex, she objects." (Les Dawson) "She was stark naked expect for a PVC raincoat, dress, net stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat and gloves." (Keith Waterhouse) "Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night." (Woody Allen) "It's impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it." (Winston Churchill) "I'll come to your room at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me." (Tallulah Ba

Funny Letters To The Local Goverment
"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off." "I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage." "Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence." "I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off." "The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?" "I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall." "Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant." "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen." "Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother." "I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers." "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Funny
Buzzing undies make shopper faint! " A woman collapsed in a supermarket when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure. The kinky 33-year old housewife was wearing a pair of battery operated Passion Pants bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid The Sun. But she got so stimulated by the 6cm vibrating bullet in the panties that she lost conciousness. She fell and hit her head in the crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales. When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knickers still buzzing. They took them off before an ambulance took her to hospital. The woman, whose identity has been kept private, suffered no long-lasting ill effects. And as she left the hospital a paramedic gave her back the Passion Pants in a plastic bag. A spokesman for Asda supermarket chain told the sun: 'We like to think shopping with us is exciting enough already.' "

Funny....
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!" "Blow jobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "Wh

A Funny Thing Happened....
ok so i was in messenger last night having a threeway convo with my mates when this guy decides he wants to come play with me... so wrong thing to do when im in a threeway... so i decided i would play... my mates in the three way were laughing thier arses off as this guy was all about blowjobs.... i think he thought he was being really naughty asking me if i could deep throat... (please get something more original!).... so i invited one of the friends into the conversation from my threeway... she thought this was great fun.. the poor guy almost shit himself when i invited my girlfriend.. so here is the funny part..he decided at this point to ask for pictures of my girlfriend.. to which was replied i dont share my bitch with noone... he didnt like that so hit back with do you suck dick together? DER she's my bitch dumbass... so this guy keeps going on & on about his cock and how far down he could stick it down my throat... and i was getting bored as i do when the conversation is BORI

Funny
An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "Who was the pig that did this toyou? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If

Funny...
Funny emails .... KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One brigh

Funny Sayings
"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Earth Is Full - Go Home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: I Have An Attitude And I Know

Funny Funny
These 2 comments on a Youtube video about World of Warcraft addiction, made me just laugh out loud, this morning, So I sent him a message tellin him how it made me laugh:O) Darkstrand7 (22 hours ago) Thanks alot for this video :) I just cancelled my account and it runs out in the second half of this year. :) i suddenly feel like getting a pool and spending all my time swimming heh. Thanks again. (Reply) (Spam) Darkstrand7 (23 hours ago) I find it impossible to quit. I play everyday from when i wake up to when i sleep almost. Im addicted but cant break free. I have friends and a girlfriend, but thats all. No future. thank you for this video, ill try to quit.

Funny Signs
Old one but pretty funny. Actual Signs Seen In England Sign in a Laundromat: “AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.” Sign in a London department store: “BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.” In an office: “WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.” Outside a farm: “HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF.” In an office: “AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.” On a church door: “THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)” Outside a secondhand shop: “WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?” Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: “THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CL

Funny Questions
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. & Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers? A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work

Funny Joke 1
A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk. As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says "NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE" Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan "what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt" "Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?" "I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt" "but what about the smell?" the woman asks. To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

Funny Joke 2
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time." "If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

Funny Joke 3
Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and scre

Funny Joke 4
Choosing a wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that s

Funny Shyt
OK so I was driving home this morning after dropping the kids off at school, when I heard on the radio that a man in Gary IN was charged with trying to break out of jail. LOL well it just so happened that it wasn't the bars he was sliding thru it was the FOOD SLOT lol can u friggin believe that lol I bout wreaked the car from laughing so hard lol just thought everyone would get a kick out of that I mean who the hell can fit out one of those lol hell I couldn't even slip out of the bars let alone the food slot lol