Type O Neg Grl's blog: "The Pain Inside"

"Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life .... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like maybe we should just be friends or how very perceptive turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination; not just in the mind, it's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

I live in a world where love doesn't exist,
Only sadness and hate that it does consist. Butterflies once fluttered in my stomach here & there,
Now it's empty & when I sleep I get the same nightmare.
Don't make me suffer anymore,
Everything seems like a bore.

I want to be so far away from here,
Take me from this place which I fear.
The happiness I once had inside has been left behind,
And been replaced with something mean and unkind.
I don't want this feeling to be gone,
It brings me sorrow but I don't want it to leave me all alone.

This love used to glow and glistened,
Now all thats left is small and abandoned.
Why does everyone just want to hurt and dislike me?
I try to fix things and bring joy so terribly.
Theres no longer any determination left inside,
All I want to do is give up and hide.

The evil thing tortures me and hurts me so bad,
Theres nothing to save me and make me glad.
Some days I want to get up and run away, Other times I feel worthless and must stay.
Bring back the joy of living in a world full of love;
Bring me what I've been dreaming of.

I'm sitting in this darkness showing regret;
Drinking shadows and hiding in my bed
I'm constantly laying here and trying to forget;
Every time I cried & Every word you said.

I didn't write this,but its exactly how I feel

Broken hearts, love's deceit,
pieces fall down to my feet.
Broken promises, love's a lie,
puddles form from tears I cry.
Broken dreams, love's illusion,
sorrowed cause of your intrusion.
Broken hope, love's a game,
doesn't last, ends the same.
Broken sleep, love's the cause,
digs at me with sharpened claws.
Broken spirit, love of sorrow,
stolen now is my tomorrow.
Broken life, love is lost,
Broken now and that's the cost.

I didn't write this,but I thought it was good

by Twisted Illusion

I'm just not enough,
I've fallen in too deep,
I fall apart every night,
Fall apart and weep.

And I've crashed and burned,
Like so many times before,
And I have nobody,
Nobody to hold me anymore.

I can't find the rainbow,
That's supposed to come after the rain,
I guess it's not over yet,
I'm still carrying the pain.

I wish I could explain this,
It just go away,
Feel like I'm wasting my time,
Waiting for a better day.

And I wonder how,
My heart got so simply broken,
Just like the last time,
This wound has been torn open.

And I'm trying really hard,
But I can't find my way,
It's not enough to weep,
Or to tell myself that it's ok.

I have so much to say,
So many words deep inside,
But I can't express myself,
Or the feelings I don't mean to hide.

I can't get to the bottom of this,
It goes so much deeper than before,
I'm fragile and broken,
Oh, I can't take anymore.

by Twisted Illusion

This pain goes so much deeper,
Than I could ever say,
And I've tried so hard,
But it just won't go away.

I'm ignoring my reality,
Imagining he's still here,
I'm cold and alone,
Intently wrapped up in fear.

And I'm such a mess inside,
All over the place,
I'm sorry I wasn't enough,
That I'm such a disgrace.

My feelings are all muddled,
My heart so deeply bruised,
I feel so repulsed at myself,
So sickened and used.

And I keep telling myself,
That it can't be real,
My subconscious tells me it is,
I'm too afraid to feel.

And so I'm holding back,
Wishing it would go away,
But I know that it won't,
It'll still be there the next day.

And I don't want to stay,
And I don't want to go,
I've been left alone,
And I don't want to know.

No, I don't want to do this,
And I don't know what to say,
But I just wish this pain inside,
Just wish it would go away.

by Not Bulletproof

How many tears must leave my eyes
before they are finally recognized?
So many days have passed me by,
and each day I have hoped to die.

Not one soul has asked of me;
the pain is there, but they don't see,
only the person I pretend to be.
I wish someone could set me free.

Why do I feel the need to hide?
I try to talk. but instead I lie.
I bottle all these thoughts inside.
Somehow I must've lost my pride.

No girl should have to feel this way,
yet I live through it every day.
The hurt I carry will always stay,
it lives within, and will not fade.

This shield of darkness is too strong;
all who once cared are now gone,
and I stand alone, and have for long.
If you think I'm happy, you are wrong.

by Twisted Illusion

I'm screaming no more,
Can feel the words inside,
Nobody has been here,
To catch the tears I've cried.

Does anybody care,
And I feel so, so alone,
I can't keep going,
With a heart as heavy as stone.

I'm tired and restless,
Been torn out of place,
They can see that I'm fragile,
That I've fallen from grace.

I don't know who I am,
I've lost myself once again,
And I keep slipping further,
Suffocated by the pain.

I'm laced in jaded memories,
All I've come to know,
I've been chewed and spit out,
Brought down so low.

I'm lying in a bottomless pit,
Of hot anger and self-hate,
I'm ripping myself to pieces,
Chasing away my broken fate.

The agony seems ceaseless,
Surroundings seem so cold,
And I can't get away,
From the words I've been told.

Can't erase what I've seen,
Or change what they said,
There is just no way,
I can ignore the truth in my head.

And it's slowly killing me,
To live with it all,
Slowly killing me,
And I can feel myself fall.

by Side Effects

I am trying so hard,
Harder than before,
I am trying because,
I cannot take much,
More

I am giving so much,
Much more than before,
I am giving because,
I cannot take much,
More

I've been around in circles,
Kept myself inside,
But now it isn't safe,
Safe to stay where,
I hide

I've been around in laps,
Lived life from inside,
But now it isn't right,
Right to live where,
I hide

There is no place left within,
I cannot really cope,
It may seem wrong,
Wrong to lose all sense,
Of hope

But there is nothing left within,
I am hanging from a rope,
You can say I am stupid,
Stupid because you know,
Finally I mope

It's just I cannot fake it,
No I can't fake it no more,
So see it how you see it,
See it like you did before,
For I am shutting the door

I do not have it in me to be fake,
So I won't fake as I hit the floor,
Judge me like you always do,
Do it like I have no feeling in my,
Core

I cannot do it anymore

by Twisted Illusion

Falling in the darkness,
Engulfed in my tears,
Drenched in insecurity,
Bounded by my fears.

Lost inside wonderment,
Torn and abused,
Gripped within emptiness,
Abandoned and confused.

Stripped and sickened,
Naked in the cold,
Banished from innocence,
Not worthy to hold.

Angry, so frustrated,
Dumped and alone,
Covered in shamelessness,
Weak to the bone.

Searching for happiness,
It's so far from me,
Fading in the distance,
Yearning to be free.

Screaming on the inside,
Silent to the ear,
Frozen to the core,
Blinded and un clear.

Soaked in gripping agony,
Like a fist around my heart,
Clueless of explanations,
Cut and ripped apart.

Living in nothingness,
Subconscious to me,
Breathing in a reality,
That isn't meant to be.

by Koreena

I close my eyes and see the love that i carry inside of me. Its not so clear but i know its there.

I open my eyes and feel the cold, hard rush of hate flowing through my blood like melting ice going straight to the pit of my heart. Not knowing if I'm going to make it through the anxiety and fear that creeps deep with in me, slowly coming out i cry in desperation to be happy and free from disappointment and betrayal.

As the tears roll down my tomato red face i smile, i still have that bit of hope and love the tiny bit that can just hold me from breaking down.

Peoples faces bolt through my mind, like the forces of lightning at night flashing furiously with warmth and torture. Knowing I've still got kind hearted souls with me through my chance of defeat. The obstacles don't go they are there every corner i turn, every word i say.

Being careful is the key to my problems.

Lust and friendship sailing some days so peacefully, so calmly, my life changing everyday i don't know when the bad days, hours, minutes, seconds are going to strike me where i stand. Not being a believer of God or any religion, i pray for a normal life, a happy life with love, happiness, peace, relaxation but knowing I'm only dreaming.

Having doubt on whether I'm going to make it or not, not knowing the time I'm going to be cured of this frustration, complications, and heart ache. The pain that slithers so slyly through the tips of my fingers and out the ends of my toes, the throbbing feeling in my head, even that kills me alone.

Needing help for the messed up life i share with the only person i trust. My ghost, my friend, my future.