memawfan me 1st please's blog: "Giving in??"

I received notice that SSI has turned me down again. Some judge who has never met me or talked to me, has made a decision that will affect my life. As if I would willingly give up a job where I made $1600 a month for a measly $780 in SSI benefits. I like not being able to pick up my 2yr old grandson. I like having to be in pain all of the time because of a congenital nerve condition in my back. Or that I didn't work hard enough the last 40 years of my life to deserve the benefits. And I really really love having to beg for help paying my utility bills. Yup....I really wonder why I even get out of bed in the morning. I know for sure I won't tomorrow. I will just take a few extra meds so I sleep through the day. Maybe I won't cry in my sleep.

There is probably a devil/evil force out in the world. I know this because of having to deal with insurance agents and their rules. For 8 weeks I have been dealing with an insurance company trying to get my wage replacement checks. I considered 2 to 3 weeks a fair time for the paper work. I even started the process the end of may. My short term ins. ran out june 9th. I have been told something different by each person I dealt with. My case agent has only returned 1 call in the entire 8 weeks. They requested records from every dr and facility I ever went to from dec 04. I hurt my back in nov 06. I feel like they are trying to prove I am faking. Right. I am faking living on 1/2 my take home pay. Not having $$$ to pay all my bills, buy birthday gifts, get my hair cut. And silly things like groceries, utilities, gas for my car. Being in pain and having friends come over and clean my house, do my shopping. Now I do have to admit the pain pills are not bad. LOL! But I have to laugh to keep from shooting the next poor innocent bystander. If I only had the money and gas to drive to Insurance headquarters in South Carolina............................. I think I will go throw something at my roommate. He is a deserving target. Just ask my friends. They and my grand kids are the only reason I haven't gone postal yet. Gotta love your friends. I will owe them for the rest of my life.

Today I decided that my life is just 1 big frustration. I should just give in and admit that the bastards are winning. Banks will never admit the mistake was theirs, insurance agents will act like you are taking money out of the personal pockets. And all the friends in the world can not help when the 8 ball is rolling straight at you. If that sounds depressing it is. I don't even have the oomph to fight back. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I will win the lottery. Maybe I will stop being a pessimistic optimist and not expect the worst. Ya right. And the sun will come up in the west. Life sucks. And I can't afford the gas to go to S Carolina to shoot the insurance bastard. Sorry..... Just venting.

I got a tattoo today. I don't know why, but I have been thinking about it for 6yrs. I can be spontaneous about some things. But not this. I thought long and hard about what I would get. Lots of things came to mind. Lots of thinks were ruled out. I had a necklace the was in shape of the Maiden Mother and Crone knot. It has also been called the Irish symbol for luck. I was always drawn to the symbol even when included in an intricate design. When ever I thought of what I wanted it always popped up in my mind first. Simple, clean, and important to me. Well as you can see, I finally chose. Now I have to convince my friends that this is the only one. I have already been asked what will I get next. Geeze!! This one is still raw. Let me get over this one first. It took me 6yrs for this one. It will be a lot longer before I even consider another one. I did it for me, not anyone else and not for show. And it is placed so no one will see it unless I choose. Oh boy I can just hear my mother now. That will take 6 yrs to get over for sure!! LOL

Today is Monday July 2nd. The usual random firecracker goes off just frequent enough to drive my cats crazy. (I know cats are supposed to be crazy). The local city gov. and the biggest bank in the city are planing for the HUGE fireworks display on Wednesday. For many years I used to walk the 2 blocks to the bridge over the interstate near my house for a perfect view. I would even take a radio for the music. Chairs,cooler with munchies and cold drinks. And the all important insect repellent. Now I am just planning to stay inside and maybe watch on the tv. I used to get excited like the kids. My son invited some of his friends from the neighborhood to sit with us. I would invite friends from the other side of the city to park on my driveway and enjoy the pick nick like atmosphere. Now it just doesn't seem worth the work. It's hot, the mosquito's are the biggest in years,it hurts to walk in crutches on the bridge incline,(the crutches don't stop me from doing things,I just have to plan a lot better), and the neighborhood is much less friendly. Have I gotten old and didn't see it happening, or have I become my father? He was a BAA Humbug kind of guy. The grand kids will be at the lake. Maybe it just isn't fun with out a childs point of view. I hope readers of this blog have a happy 4th. I may yet, but it isn't looking good.