Restlessness.
It's something that stays with you when you go to bed and lays next to you all night while you sleep.
When you wake up it's there to cling to you all day like an invisible coat you cant take off.
It's worse, that feeling when you get older. When you are young you have the energy and more the urge to do something about it. To just take off and go do ANYTHING to make it go away. When you get older you get the feeling but you sometimes lack the energy or focus to do something to quell the feeling. You try to squash it. Drink. Smoke. Eat. Watch tv. You do everything you know how to make that feeling just shut up but it never does.
Restless old is irritating. You get settled into a routine and try to make peace with it and the being restless just fucks everything up.
Then one day you wake up and one thought hits you...
" I want more"
Whatever you are doing in life isn't enough. There is a difference between doing things in life that fulfill you and doing shit that keeps you busy and occupied. Usually, the keeping busy shit is just filler so you don't have to think about how you aren't doing the stuff that would fulfill you.
so your soul craves more and that ugly feeling of restlessness settles in.
I hate going to bed at night and not really sleeping..more like napping for 1-2 hours at a time just to wake up and try to go back to sleep. I haven't slept a solid 8 hours in years. I cant remember the last time I did. People who are fulfilled don't have this problem. They sleep like babies...lucky fuckers. What about the rest of us tired people?
You are restless because your soul is achingly hungry for something other than the junk food you have been feeding it. You may have been able to make it shut u with video games, Netflix and boxing matches on tv but there came a point where all the shit you dumped into it just wasn't enough...and you became irritated and restless because you didn't know what to do to make that feeling go away.
I tell you what can make it shut up...feed it something that is NOT junk.
Things that connect to your dreams, passions, and desires. Things that relate to the person you always think about being. Things that nourish your soul.
I woke up this morning thinking
"I want more"
I want more than this quiet isolated life. I am tired to sleep and not really ever sleeping. There is a part of me screaming to wake and be alive. It's not going to let me alone until I give it what it wants.
Restlessness boils down to that one sentence you know
"You want more"
Whatever you are doing is not enough. Whatever life you have is not fulfilling. There is enough of an emptiness to cause that whisper in your mind that won't be quiet.
Give your soul what it wants..what it craves. Fill the emptiness and make it full and maybe you can sleep at night for once.
Im gonna fill up my emptiness and restlessness with poetry, meditation, exercise and spend some time hanging out with Jim Morrison and Charles Bukowski, reading their prose and drinking in their verbal genius like fine old wine.
If you are old or getting old and you are like me and cant sleep or maybe you just feel that sense of being restless I am telling you that's how you fix it. You give your soul something to chew on.
I am off to go hang out with Jim and Charles
Bye
here is a favorite poem by charles bukowski
BLUEBIRD
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
Charles Bukowski
In a single lifetime, you amass a shit ton of clutter and waste.
Not just garbage from food or drink, but debris inside your head and around your person.
People who you call "friend" but never call you. Bad habits. Bad thoughts. Bad energy or memories. Leftover anything that serves you no good purpose.
There is nothing scarier than letting so much clutter build up and finally set yourself to task to clean things up and seeing how much space is revealed.
Why is that scary? Because of the truth of what you actually have versus what you actually have.
Some people cant handle it. Figuring out that they only have one or a few true friends versus a group...or that their life is a lot emptier than they thought.
I have let my world shrink smaller so that the truth of what is could be revealed. Said a silent goodbye to people who NEVER call me, I always have to call them if I want to speak to them...stopped emailing those who never email or text. That one choice right there shrunk my world down a great deal. Separated the real friends from those who aren't as real.
Then came another choice. To not chase anyone down for their affection or attention, that includes my dom. 13 years I have kept a small flame of hope alive inside me that perhaps one day he would love me and embrace my soul to his. Its never happened and the hope finally died. As much as I still love him I no longer hope to be with him. I am too old to be chasing men around for their love. I have done that since I was 16 years old and I cant do it anymore. Don't have the heart for it. Sadness has now replaced where that flame of hope used to be but there is nothing I can do about it. He's tangled up in his own dark mental spiderweb of past events and memories and not reaching for me and I cant change that. Loce, attraction, connection...you can't force those things..they either exist or they don't.
When you clear away the garbage and debris and dust you see the truth of what your life REALLY is it can be lonely and scary because now you have to fill the empty space up with something else. You have to face the fact you may not have as many friends as you thought or there may have been illusions about your life that now get ripped apart. Whatever the amount of fear and loneliness, the shrinkage is needed if you ever want to find your TRUE footing and fulfill your life's ambition and destiny. Get rid of the dead wood and burn it so that a forest can grow in its place.
Going back to my dom for a moment, I am going through the necessary grieving and mourning of the hope dying out. Accepting truth and letting it really sink in is a HUGE hard pill to swallow. Its painful but has to be done.
I let my world shrink to the bare truth because I need to know where I am and what I really have around me that's any good. You cant start a journey if you are lost and you don't know where you are or if you are carrying too much weight. Letting your world shrink means moments of fear, sadness, loneliness, depression...but its worth it in the end. You cant fly if you have too much dead weight hanging onto your wings.
Peace out
Everybody has a vice.
I don't drink or use drugs, but because I often deal with idiots all day during camming, i need something to chill me out so I don't lose my mind.
Music is my vice.
I would like to share with all of you some of my favorite groups for chill out that dont chill you out to the point of sleep.
Introducing..
ENTHEOGENIC
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4_a4AkcdS8&t=1054s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcJlSfbUtvo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flyFWb_aAbc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rcx5SoBmYk&t=936s
For all of you ENIGMA fans how about a VERY well put together enigma-ish album with a slightly spanish feel with beautiful silk acoustic spanish guitar? Sound good..IT IS introducing
B TRIBE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRH_cGRfxIw&index=91&list=FL_13RMJbxIPSOODLNXh_7EQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuq2cWLFjwE
If you need to chill out,and you want to listen to something that will put you in that zone FAST check out this music. Native American chill out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwIB3-oftmo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSkdOKuEqtU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hhJgP-A9fk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joh5BS1Gric
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVi7XL9tThM
Love acoustic guitar to mellow out to? Here ya go )
ESTAS TONNE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGTxqhSN8bE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsEy3-LY_KI
There is a group called PIPE CHOIR that i adore and its because of that group i made a playlist on my ipod called GODS PLAYLIST.Its such beautiful chilled out music that has no singer and its haunting and wonderful check it out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6XchfZPmXk&t=5s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPe7Noxp2Pw&t=1717s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t0CUD689jk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1xy5vTeQl4
Its the kind of music that you can just shut up and go somewhere in your head without having to go to sleep. So good!!!
Years and years and years ago a former friend brought a cd over and the moment i heard it was like "who is that?" The WHO was PERFUME TREE very chill but upbeat music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL3_eQ2YsGY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dweH5G2AIE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hR1huu0zNas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqDt-_IWp90
Ok now let it be known im open to all kinds of music. I have been through some hard times and because i am a writer sometimes hearing sad sounding music brings all the sadness to the surface so i can get rid of it or use it to make poetry There is a wonderful artist named NIGHTS AMORE and he makes some awesome stuff on that category check it out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlWRiZo7T4I
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JikxpDS3eXc&t=4s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PoU_H4OUNo
Thats all for now take care
WORDS.
Words are powerful. They can hurt. They can heal. They can inspire a soul to greatness or keep it from achieving greatness.
or, they can conceal true intention and meaning if the wrong words are said either by accident or purpose.
Right now, at this moment, there are people saying the wrong words to another person.The words " I love you" are some of the most powerful and most sought-after words in any language. Those three words are most beloved...most cherished..and I'm sorry to say some of the more unsavory and predatory people in this world know that and use those words to hurt or use others. Those three words aren't just words breathed from their lips..they are hooks they throw out to snare and keep their prey and then again to act like invisible anchors to keep them in place for as long as they need.
If you are with someone and they put you in the position of doing everything while they do nothing or little at all...if you are working while they don't work, you pay all the bills and the rent, you buy the groceries, you make the car payment...you carry all the weight and then some..BEWARE!! The person saying "I love you" to your face is using the wrong words. What they actually mean to say is " I need you" They need you to do all that shit because if you don't they, their responsibilities and their world you carry on your shoulders collapse the moment you shrug off that weight and walk away from it. Predatory people don't love, they need...they need someone to do all the work so they can live comfortably with no worry.To accomplish that they find the correct and strongest "in" ....love...and set the trap. You walk into it, you get caught and they keep you caught with those fucking words "I love you".
Let me tell you the difference between "love" and "need". Love doesnt need. If you are with someone and they aren't strong and standing on their own two feet and willing to carry their own weight they need you for whatever, they don't love you. Love is about respect. It is about being respectful of another person feelings, time, energy, passions, dreams, emotions and life in general. Love is not an obligation. Being in love doesn't mean you should have to pay all a person bills or rent while they don't work or try to work. The way things are supposed to go is each person handles their own business of their own lives and just come together in the middle for emotional bonding and support. You have someone to share life with, laugh with, and care about but that person isn't a bank or a loan company and shouldn't be treated as one.
Don't be so desperate to hear the words I love you that you fall into the trap of taking on someone else's life and weight to the point it crushes you and stresses you out. If a person puts that kind of weight on you, I don't care what they say, THEY DONT LOVE YOU.PERIOD. END OF STORY. If they did they would do what was right and carry their own damn weight. When you carry too much weight and it takes all your energy and focus to keep up with it you have no time for yourself. Your own dreams and passions get ignored and pushed into shadows, and trust me, that's a crime onto itself...to see a person dreams turn into dust just because some selfish asshole/bitch decided they wanted to take a lifelong vacation at another souls expense and never return the favor. You only have one life. You only have so much time in that life...MAKE IT COUNT!!!! Go for the respectful love..the love that allows you and encourages you to be free..happy...joyful. Let go of the "I need you " love, it's killing you and you know it. If you have some leech asshole sucking you dry let them go and don't worry about them..they are adults they need to learn to stand up on their own sometimes, it's not your job to carry them for life. You are doing them a kindness by making them wake up and be stronger. People who depend on others to live put themselves in bad weak positions that end badly at some point...might as well break the cycle now so they can learn what being strong is all about...or they can leave and go find another host to suck blood off of but it won't be yours and that's what matters.
Btw reader..the whole " I love you" vs "I need you" thing...that goes for EVERYONE in your life, not just a mate. You can apply that to relatives or friends as well..anyone who puts too much weight on you unfairly and says the wrong words, maybe on purpose, to keep you working and paying their way. Fuck that. Let those people go..you don't need that bullshit in your life. Be your own parachute, not someone else's. If they care enough about themselves they will learn quickly to make their own and stop bumming off yours.
The whole " love" versus " need thing..it can go deeper into other areas.
A person may "need" to be in love so they won't be alone and feel worthless or to feel like they are worth something. They need someone around so they don't fall apart or they don't trust their own judgment. Maybe its because they don't know how to be alone and the idea of being so is scary. When someone needs you in a bad way..when they vines that bind bind too tightly it can suffocate the one trying to keep everything balanced. You will know that love that crossed the boundaries into need when you are in a position that if you try to break free or if you try to even get some breathing room the other person most likely will fall apart and there is chaos. Chaos comes from lack of balance, not from balance. If two pillars stand side by side they won't fall but if one leans on the other and doesn't have a strong base then most likely the leaning pillar will fall if the one standing upright shifts. Think about that.
So now you know what love versus need is. The next time someone says "I love you" ask yourself.."do they?" If they do, celebrate. If not....well...you know what to do or what you should do...move away from that Leaning Tower Of Pisa. Walk away until that pillar knows how to stand. Its not your job to hold them up.
Im out.
Before anyone starts BOOOOOing me all over the place, hear me out.
Listen,
I am all for spending time with family and friends and eating a nice meal with them, but has anyone ever done their homework on how Thanksgiving got started in the first place? The back story? The REAL backstory? You want the short version? Ok try this...
For starters, as University of Texas journalism professor Robert Jensen reminds us in a dispatch on the AlterNet website, the very term "thanksgiving" is saturated with disgrace.
By 1637, Jensen writes, Massachusetts Bay Colony governor John Winthrop "was proclaiming a thanksgiving for the successful massacre of hundreds of Pequot Indian men, women and children" - a bloody pattern that would "repeat itself across the continent until between 95 and 99 percent of American Indians had been exterminated".
That "extermination" was followed by this
In his book, A People's History of the United States, late historian Howard Zinn outlined other mechanisms of capitalist dispossession. An 1814 "treaty" with the Creek nation, for example, functioned by "splitting Indian from Indian, breaking up communal landholding, bribing some with land, leaving others out - introducing the competition and conniving that marked the spirit of Western capitalism."
Furthermore, US "land grabs" of Native American territory "laid the basis for the cotton kingdom, the slave plantations."
In short, with such a sinister past on their plate, it's no wonder US mythmakers prefer to focus on pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce.
So basically thousands of native American people were killed and then a huge feast to celebrate was done after..and then after that was over the land they lived on was taken and tribes were split up
so..NO, I WILL NOT CELEBRATE THAT ON THAT DAY!
I can eat a good meal with family and friends anytime...I just won't glorify a day of cruelty or murder with turkey and ham.
NOPE.
And then there's BLACK FRIDAY.
Let's see. Thanksgiving is all about celebrating murdering the native American people and taking their shit
and then the NEXT DAY people go hog wild and act like animals buying shit at stores...like they have nothing at all at home!
SMH
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
GLUTTONY AND CRUELTY CELEBRATED FOLLOWED UP BY CELEBRATING AND TAKING PART IN GREED
NOPE NOPE NOPE.
Not this girl.
This is how things SHOULD go.
"THANKSGIVING" day.
We light candles, say prayers and ask forgiveness of the spirits for the harm done to the native American people.
BLACK FRIDAY
Funds should be sent to every Native American reservation as well as things like food, clothing, supplies..things to help get them through the winter.BLACK FRIDAY should be about helping others not acting like a greedy ass fool with no sense. If you aren't anywhere where you can help those on the reservation then you find someone close by. People who are homeless..give back to THEM..help THEM out.
I will NEVER celebrate Thanksgiving and never take part in black Friday EVER. I would rather help others then be involved in celebrating murder and greed.
I am out.
PUSH-PULL...HOW TO WIN THE TUG OF WAR
Today is a day that you view with open eyes and breathe in with lungfuls of air.
Today is a day of chances, opportunity, fate, luck, creativity, activity, love, joy, learning.
You are at the center of a micro-world within the main world. Every person is a planet with its own climate, rules, mood, boundaries, style, upbringing, expectations and gifts. To step outside your door is to be an astronaut visiting those worlds and bumping into them along the way. It is not your duty to change or judge those worlds, rather its your job to appreciate their uniqueness and learn from them as you go along.
It is with great sadness that I have to report that many of those aspiring, gifted wonderful planet people will be experiencing a day.. A DAY WHERE NOTHING HAPPENED.
A day where writers didn't pick up their pens and write. Poets didn't write poetry. Artists didn't draw or paint. Builders didn't draft blueprints. Healers didn't heal. Across the world blank canvases stay untouched. Oil paints never come out of their tubes. Notebooks are crammed into a corner of the room, forgotten. Each one of those planet people was born with a gift or talent of some sort and today...today no one will get to see it, feel it, hear it, taste it, touch it. Today is a day where so much beauty and happiness that COULD have been put out into the main world stayed out of sight. Today is a day a baker could have baked a cupcake that could have made a child smile for the first time...a painter could have painted the worlds most emotionally moving picture...a singer could have sang a song that healed a million broken hearts..
But..those things didn't happen.
Because those planet people couldn't find the sun inside themselves enough to shine.
Lethargy, self-doubt, lack of self-confidence, sadness, depression, hopelessness...you can blame these things for those planet people not shining. Doubt is the biggest thief in the world that has taken the most priceless things...human dreams, passions, and ability to use their talents to be happy. Doubt makes you turn away from your TRUE gifts. You doubt yourself..." I am not that great..no one will like what I do.." then your inner bully backs that up ...."I suck...I won't amount to anything so why bother trying?"
I will tell you why.
Because THE DAY THAT NOTHING HAPPENED is A DAY OF NOTHING.
and there is FAR too MUCH of that going on right now.
You..you talented gifted wonderful soul. How DARE you not share your gifts with the world! What? You think you are not worth anything or your talent is worth anything but if you are here..alive..now...YOU ARE EVERYTHING. Do what you are meant to do. Be a planet that is happy and inspires others to be happy and use their talents. An artist should be an artist. A baker should be a baker.A writer should write. A singer should sing. Untapped unused potential and creativity should be accessed and reached for. Dont be an artist and worry about making art that makes you rich..make art that makes you happy..that shows your vision. Express yourself. Do it because it just FEELS right.
The world needs you.
Do not neglect the beauty of your soul that longs to come out and express itself. Do not put it off and say "later i will paint or build or write" No..DO IT NOW! Make time and just fucking do it. The world needs you NOW not ten years from now... The moment you make room to allow yourself to shine is the day you start to feel happy..really happy.
Today...today millions of planet people will be moving around this earth as zombies,going to jobs they hate doing duties they hate more to come home and zombie out in front of their tvs and their beauty will be lost...today will be their day of THE DAY NOTHING HAPPENED. It will,sadly,be a day that happens again the next day..and the next...and the next. Please dont be that person. Let today be a day SOMETHING happened. You picked up your paints or your notebook. You composed a play or poetry or baked a cake. You opened the door to your passion and said "lets do this!"
I wish you EVERYDAY as a day of something happening
im out.