Outside my door, mother nature is already setting the stage for the perfect Halloween night.
Its overcast, the air is chilly, and the wind blows ever so slightly across your face when you stand outside for more than a minute.
These past few weeks many things inside me have been changing, all in the midst of inner turmoil.
I WAS on track with my diet but I confess lately I have been slacking something awful. Big bowls of spagetti..home made french fries in the morning with breakfast..ugh...ever eaten so much that your tummy just bloats out as far and wide as it can to the point it actually hurts to move? that's been me the last few days. Me eating and not giving a shit how much..and hating when I get so full that I am bloated like a fat hamster for hours and hours.
The overeating and not eating well was triggered by inner emotional earthquakes and tornados that have been happening. Inner changes. Truths coming forward that cannot be denied. One of the biggest "slap you in the face" moments happened yesterday during meditation. An inner truth that tied a lot of other things together. A truth realized and you cannot argue with.
I would like to share that truth with you.
Every person born carries within them two lists of things.
Those that are certain. Those that are not certain.
The list of certain things you KNOW for sure you can count on. The other is the maybe/maybe not list. Love is definitely in the uncertain list. Even if you have a partner, it stays in that list..forever..because its something outside of yourself that can change or be taken away or disappear at a moments notice. Many try to push love into the CERTAIN category by driving themselves mad trying to lock it down. For love, they play the fool catering to the whims and interests of their love, they play the blind man not seeing faults or signs the person isn't the right one at all, the maid cleaning up messes the mate may make, the nurse and doctor to their wounds inside and out. Yes, love will hand you a great many hats to wear when you get involved with someone...
Or does it?
No, it doesn't.
If you are with the WRONG one you pick up those hats and wear them all on your own. Love just sits back with a cup of coffee in hand and says "yep...i am gonna let you figure this out on your own" The more wrong the person, the more hats you will wear over and over. The fewer hats you wear, the greater your chances its the right one.
You can get to a point with wearing all those many hats that you become utterly exhausted in a way that no cup of coffee, no strong drink,no pack of cigarettes, no amount of sleep, no amount of food or even a hot bubble bath can cure. You won't be just tired, you will be utterly emotionally and mentally bankrupt and spent trying to keep it all going. So what after that you ask? Well, feeling like a dead battery. Days spent dressed in sweats and no makeup, laying in bed not sleeping, crying, feeling empty and hollowed out like a jack o lantern, your own pain surrounding you from all sides like a hellish miasma.
So how do you break free of it all?
You look towards your list of what IS certain..what you CAN count on.
Love is and will always be an uncertain thing. It is a powerful brass ring that everyone wants to wear but if the ring is fake it becomes as a poison on the finger of the one who wears it. So....reach for the certain. Your hopes. Your dreams. Your wishes. THOSE are most certain. Whatever you want in this life, if you work hard you shall have it. You can count on yourself. You know you will not betray yourself and so there is no issue of trust or loyalty. The only question is....do you want something bad enough to go after it and get it.Do you have the resolve to be persistent and keep going and not give up in your pursuit to get whatever it is that burns in you?
Some people wait till new years to make promises of things that they will do. Why fucking wait that long? Why not fucking just start NOW for gosh sakes? I have. You want to know my plans for 2018? Here it is...working and writing. Work every day that I can, read all 15 of my Bukowski books, write poetry, make my own youtube channel of spoken poetry, make a website..and keep going after that.
I have wasted too many years of my life dwelling on the certain list and uncertain love so I am taking a step to the right and staying in the certain lane for a while. I am 46 years old and I have too much to do and sadness does not help get anything done, not does confusion nor does the suffering. Those things just create blocks, fogs, and barriers. If you have so much shit in your head its stacked shoulder high, get a shovel and start taking it out of the way bit by bit. Smash the blockades. Burn the wooden walls. Blow up the self-doubt and suffering. Do whatever is necessary to clear a path and then the space around you.
ON LOVE....
This is advice from me from personal experience.
If you were in a relationship and in love and now are not do yourself a favor..DO NOT dwell in that awful, all-consuming purgatory place between holding onto love for them and waiting for them to come back. DONT DO IT. It's terrible..that place. You will never be able to forget your time with them, but you CAN choose to let the love and the pain that is married to that love go..and you should..if its over. Holding onto old, broken, gone sour love is like holding onto a teddy bear filled with sulfuric acid. As long as you hold onto it it will burn your flesh and your soul, and the tighter you grip it the worse the damage will be. Old love is not comforting. It is not healing. It's just the opposite. Let go of the love and the pain will follow. Either be with the person you love or let them and the love go...NEVER EVER dwell too long in the between space where you suffer and wait for someone and something that isn't coming back. No one can tell you when you let go but just know that's what supposed to happen at some time.
So begins my days as the quiet writer and poet who will deep into bukowski when im not naked in front of my cam.
Happy halloween.
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