Poemsnotperverts's blog: "DAY TO DAY BLOG"

Everybody wants to be someone.

Everybody walks through life looking for a person, an image, a measuring stick that will help them become who they are supposed to be.

I didn't find anyone like myself whom I looked up to...until Charles Bukowski.

Charles Bukowski. A funny bastard but a funny TALENTED bastard. He drank, he was a whore monger who fucked loose women and he didn't apologize for it, and e lived one hell of a rough ass life..but from that rough, fuck everyone life came brilliant thoughts...and that's what I admire about him...those brilliant thoughts and that sense of "fuck it..I have lived and I am gonna be honest about who and what I am and I don't give a damn what anyone thinks" If only EVERYBODY lived with that outlook..being yourself and not caring what the rest of the world has to say...not living to be a cookie cut soul that is a copy of a copy of a copy. 


here is why I love Charles Bukowski

https://youtu.be/2lK4LrD8Ii4


https://youtu.be/lyMS4qJ8NXU


I wish that he were still alive and we could have dinner together. I would love to talk to him and ask him questions and glean what I could from his brilliant, rough-edged mind. I am sure he could teach me much without actually instructing me. He would smoke his cigarettes and drink his glass of wine and I would sip on a glass of tea and there we would be...two souls that life has battered around and exchanging knowledge while acknowledging each other's bruises and scars. 

Its funny..how people look at other people with a sense of idolatry and say " You are so smart/talented. I want to be you.I wish I had your talent". Trust me...sometimes the brilliance of talent comes with a heavy price. The price is pain and lots of it..sometimes too much for the soul to bear and it cracks to the point of almost falling apart. You can get lost inside yourself and wander around looking for a way out and not find it for a long time...in the meantime, you try to ease the pain of the dark journey by engaging in bad habits or bad behaviors that end up hurting you more. If you are lucky, you find your way out of the darkness and see the light..even if it's as small as the light of a childs birthday candle...it is still good because it means you are facing the right way. You step into the light and your scars step into it with you and those who bear similar scars see them and say "ah..another survivor has come out of the dark swamps...come and share your stories and your scars, friend".

And you sit by the fire, kick off your shoes that are so full of holes from all your wandering lost that there is barely any sole left, and you breathe in the air and tell of your battles inside and outside..and they nod and listen and drink toasts to your strength and will to live. Even if sat by the fire and didn't say a word everybody else would know that you have put in a great deal of mileage on your soul and most of the rubber is missing from your tread heart. People who haven't lived...haven't gone through hell..haven't won any internal or outer wars..their souls have that new car smell that hasn't been exposed to the open road of life...and the barely worn souls get on the nerves of the older, well-worn ones. There is a HUGE gap in understanding, you see, and some things you just can't teach to others. They have to experience things on their own to get it. Until they get a few scars and the new car smell wears off they won't understand..but when they get those first scars a place by the fire opens up so they can tell their stories. 


more Bukowski...on writing..and life

https://youtu.be/F_1EiVAb_O8


I don't have idols. I love Charles Bukowski writing but I am sure that if he and I DID have dinner together and I told him " I want to be like you" he would look right back at me and say "you already are. I can see your scars. I can see all of them and your rough brilliance. Put it to work and shut up". Why do people work so hard to be copies of other people and other peoples lives instead of being original? Is it because its easier to build off a ready-made blueprint than to graph your own? I guess being someone else is easier and safer because it takes courage to start from nothing and build from yourself that which you desire. People are so afraid of rejection and public opinion...afraid of invisible stones in invisible hands that might come out of nowhere and start raining boulders at them should they dare to let their dreams walk in the light. I blame the goddamn internet for putting that fear in people. Too many assholes these days who take delight in using their keyboards to jealousy beat other people into submission with their cruel opinions and thoughts. If there were no public opinion or swarm mentality how many dreams would actually make it to reality? More then now I am sure. 

I am like Bukowski in the way that I have lived a much rough life and I have come out the other side wiser and black and blue all over. I also don't care what others think of me, my life, my past, and their opinions on my art..and poetry is my art. I am 46 years years old and I have been through some extreme shit...but from that came the ability to see things from many sides and expand upon it. I live my life without shame or apology. I carry my scars and my wounds the same way...no embarrassment or excuses. Yes, I have made dumb decisions in my life that lead to some of the scars I carry but I guarantee you that if you look you will notice each scar is different because whatever caused it I only needed that lesson taught ONCE. My scars don't come in pairs...and as I have gotten older I received less of them. 

Done for the day

Im out