Today is the 5th anniversary of the day my momma died. I have tried to look at where I was then and where I am now but sometimes the pain just grips me.
I can remember our last conversation. I can remember saying, "It's ok to step into the light. It's ok to want the pain to end." I can remember her asking me, "Why do you wanna kill me?" And my answer was, "Momma I don't want to kill you. Don't you remember what we talked about yesterday? Don't you remember you have cancer and they have given you medication to make your brain be less swollen?" She sat back and said, "Oh!"
She would get so fucking frustrated. So FUCKING pissed off that she was trying to talk and she couldn't make her mouth say what she wanted to say to us. I felt as helpless as a young child. The sad thing is, I still do.
She and I had made so many plans about my business and how she had planned to help with at least helping me with child care while I was out working it.
Neither one of us knowing at that time that she had cancer. Neither one of us having a clue that she was even sick. Hell, she took care of me only two months prior to her death after I had major surgery.
The doctors had never seen the type of cancer she had. They didn't know what to do. Everyone was baffled as hell. Especially when she had a heart attack along with it and was low on potassium. From the day she was diagnosed with the cancer till the day she died, it was 7 days.
Seven FUCKING days of watching her organs shut down. Starting with her toes turning black. Her sister tried to comfort me when I knew that it was going down.
The day before she died, I climbed into the bed with her. I was so damn scared. I just wanted my mommy. I didn't care what anyone thought because I just needed her arm around me. I just needed to hear her breath. I just needed to hear her heartbeat just one more time and I told her, "Mommy, I know you think that I will be taking your place but, I can't, no one can. You are unique and I love you." Her finger moved a little. I know she heard me. I know she did.
The hospice nurse came in and started asking me questions and I got pissed. "Dammit don't talk about this shit in front of my mom! She can hear you!" The nurse looked at me as it sank in, "Oh, ooohhh... I am so sorry. I....I'll come back later"
Hospice had taken over the case and moved her to another room. I knew. I knew it would be the last time I saw her alive. I said my final goodbye to her and took some of her belongings with me.
Her hospital nurse came by that night after he got off work to tell me that the rattle had started and that my brother was there. He stayed with me until my children's father got here from Florida.
I awoke 5 years ago today to the sound of two alarm clocks and the phone ringing. I hit the one actual alarm clock, my mind was the other as I already knew what the phone call was. I told the lady to call my brother.
I walked into the living room and Travis said, "Damn you have a hell of an alarm system here." I looked up at him and said, "That was the call, She died." I was sort of in shock but, not. It's hard to describe it. I go into taking care of business mode and when it's done, we fall apart. Numb to the feelings or detached.
Anyway, I went to the hospital. My brother was already there. She was yellow. He and I just sort of held her and cried. The nurse came in and said they needed to finish preparing her body for the funeral home and asked us to sign papers to release the body to them.
We had already signed papers for donation of her organs but, the nature of her cancer prevented them from being viable. I kind of figured as much but I have always tried to express to my family, patients and friends that organ donation is a wonderful gift of life in your death.
My brother gave me my "assignments" before leaving the hospital of what the funeral home needed. I was also to find a pastor for the services. Oh Joy! I had only been back in town for 6 months and I didn't have a church home and neither did she.
I went home and found the only nice dress that I knew would fit her. She had worn it for my first wedding and looked gorgeous in it. I gathered her make up and found a pic of her in the dress so the person that did the hair and make-up could see her style. It required a strapless bra and well they asked for undergarments too. She didn't have one so, I found one of mine that I hated and threw it in the bag. What? She wasn't going to feel it! I think every woman has some little resentment against their mom and well that was my little resentment coming out.
My son woke up and asked me in an angry tone what I was doing in Nana's room. I had hoped to be out of there before the kids woke up but, I didn't make it. It was then that I had to tell him. I held him as he cried. When the sobs lessened I told him that I had to take all of the stuff to the funeral home and I needed help picking out the jewelry.
The rest of the day was filled with phone calls to everyone. My neighbor made us dinner at her house and another neighbor brought us some bbq for sandwiches the next day. I excused myself as I finished dinner for some time alone.
The next day, was spent on the phone again. I went to our job where my mother and I worked together. They were eating and made a plate for me while I discussed what else I needed for the funeral. My supervisor expressed that my boss was an ordained minister and would do the ceremony for us if I asked. He said yes and I was like whew!
As I walked out to the parking lot, I saw one of my mom's friends. She was surprised that I had chosen our boss to do the services. She actually got mad at me and never spoke to me again from that point on. Apparently, there had been some bad stuff going on before I came to work there and the "old timers" had a grudge against my boss. Even at the funeral she wouldn't even look at me. Like I stabbed her personally in the back. To this day she has not even said hello to me again. Talk about holding a grudge...damn!
My aunt, brother and sister in law came over to look at pics. I spent time with some friends and set up some music for my friend Tracy to sing. She has an outstanding voice. So all was set for the funeral the next day.
To be continued...
