The Goddess CoverDBabe's blog: "My original thoughts"

There but for the Grace of God go I Today I was contemplating writing about all the wonderful things that had been going good in my life when I got an IM from my first ever online friend. I was telling him about my son graduating from high school and that my daughter had flown to see her dad on Wednesday, etc…and I asked how he had been since I hadn’t seen him on line in months. He said, “The last 6 months have been grueling.” I asked why. He said, “I don’t know if I told you or not but my son died.” Of course I was shocked and said what happened? He said his 18 year old senior son had killed himself in his own bedroom apparently after he found out his girlfriend was cheating on him and he was having problems with his mom (who ironically cheated on his dad). He said he had to go and would talk to me later about it. While I have never met the young man that passed, I can’t stop crying because of all that I know of him through his father. And knowing that our sons, Thomas and Tyson, were the same age over the last 6 years, we have swapped many stories about them. With that being said, some of my tears are of joy that my own son is still alive when he could have done the same thing. Thomas was headed down the path of self destruction yet turned his life around to graduate this year and has made an adult decision to go into the military. And I have some tears for myself as I know just how this young man felt with the humility and betrayal by the one he loved. I was at that point of wanting to end my life and strange as it may seem, my son called and talked me through it. He called from Florida while I was in Virginia next door to my ex mother in law’s house. I was right there folks….right there. The other thing that saved my life right there in that week was a book that I had bought for my ex. The title of the book, “Shut up, stop whining and get a life” by Larry Wingett. I went through and highlighted stuff in it and gave it to my ex anyway. (snicker) Oh and the ex ended up marrying the home wrecker some time in the last couple of weeks. Whatever, it’s beside the point right now. I guess the difference between being 18 and at the time for me 37 was the 20 years of experience that has shown me that this too shall pass. I have grown so much in the 3 years since dad died and Gary left. Today is the 3rd anniversary of the day I buried my father. I know the grueling time Steve spoke of however, I can’t quite know what it is like to bury a child that I have known and loved for 18 years. My parents could have empathized with him as they have had to lay my brother Stephen Michael to rest however, I can not. What I can offer Steve right now is exactly what he gave me six years ago after my mother died. That is unconditional friendship, love and acceptance of him no matter what kind of mood the grief brings. It was really strange having someone from Utah giving me strength along the distance but he did. I had never met this person yet we were bonded through the net. He eventually came to meet me in person exactly two years to the day before his son passed. It’s weird how things work. With that being said, I want all of my “net” friends to know that I’m grateful for having “net met” you. I feel as though you are a true friend whether we have met in person or not. I feel your joy and your pain as if you lived next door to me for years. I want you to know that all that you have given to me in the form of support, prayer and encouragement did help me to rise to greater levels of myself as I hope I have raised you. From the bottom of my heart, I wish to thank each and every one of you for being my friend. I love you all, Clara

On March 22nd....I'm having a huge birthday bash for me and two of my girlfriends. We would like everyone to join us as we celebrate our birthdays and launch ourselves into a new life of freedom! We will begin at Pappadeaux’s at 7:00pm 13080 Northwest Fwy Houston, TX 77040 Then travel to: West Wind Club (713) 462-7204 Cypress/Fairbanks 5905 Guhn Rd Houston, TX 77040 Where I have reserved tables by the DJ booth. Ron Briscoe (formerly of the Texas Heartbreakers) will be spinning old country, new country, rock, hip hop and just about anything we ask for.

My big 4-0 is March 22nd. It's Easter/Ostara weekend. A friend of mine has a camp ground/festival site in Lousiana and has offered to allow us all to camp there. It's at least 300 acres with 5 miles of lake front. It would be great to have everyone come out and relax. Might still be cool then though Would any of my friends be interested in going camping in Lousiana that weekend? OR Party in Houston? Would anyone even be in town?

Hmmmm it was interesting! I decided not to post a review of my year yesterday because I wanted to sleep late today. After last year's posting, I was woke up by telephone calls saying some wack job had sent a friend request to a profile that was downing me. Oh well, she was so sadly mistaken to find that it didn't rattle me as bad as she thought. All I can say is 2007 found me back on my feet, literally! Both of my vehicles are still broke down in my drive way. In a way it has been good because it's forcing me to ask for help. A quite humbling experience and a great way for me to focus on necessities. Needs vs wants or filling a void in buying things that I really don't need. I used to be really good about saving money when I was younger. When I was 19 my parents had decided that they could no longer afford for me to go to college in another city so, I was forced to come home. I'm sure you guessed that I had loads of resentments over that. After a semester of being under mom's roof again, it didn't take me long to find a job as an assistant manager of a clothing store, getting an apartment to live my life away from her. Needless to say, my grades suffered and I ended up quitting school and my job when I found a new one that offered job training with tuition assistance. I started work with in class training for 2 weeks then months of on the hospital floor internship. I loved it and scored second highest in my class. I floated to many different stations and learned many different things. I had hopes of becoming a nurse but, after seeing some things happen on the floors, I decided I liked my job better. I didn't go out too much as I was underage so, I would just bank the money in hopes of going back to school. I had my apartment, a dog, a car and stayed pretty much to myself. Believe it or not, I was extremely shy. I would occassional go on dates but, for the most part, there really wasn't anyone that I dated that just did it for me. I don't remember exactly how long I had been working at the hospital when the father of an old crush was on my floor. I thought I had recognized the name and one day in he walked. I was speechless. Seriously, I couldn't say a thing when he was standing right in front of me asking which room his dad was in. All I could do was point in the direction of the room. Over the next couple of days, he would come by the desk and flirt with me. He asked me out on a date and I was speechless yet again but, eventually said yes. I ran home and called my girlfriends telling them, "You won't believe who just asked me out!" swwoooooonnnn! To make a long story short, we eventually got married. I was so in love with him. OMG! You just don't know. Well, all that changed just 3 short months after we got married and I came back to Houston. It was then that I had found out that my new husband had taken my ATM card and taken my whole life savings and I had two warrants for my arrest for hot checks because I didn't know that I had no money in the bank. To top it all off, I just found out I was pregnant with Thomas. It took me three days to locate him because he was out working or so I thought. When he answered, I told him how excited I was to be pregnant with our child and I said, "Hey, did you use my pulse card?" His reply made me speechless once again. "Well honey, I'm happy I guess. I just lost my job. I know you don't have any money in the bank and I want a divorce." Just like that...just like that. I was thinking in my head, "Oh no you aren't going to leave me pregnant and penniless!" however what came out of my mouth was, "Oh honey, it's ok. We can work this out. You can get a new job and you can still pitch." Famous last words of a fool. From that point on, I never saved a dime because I knew he would spend it. Not only did he spend it but he would beat me if I didn't have some money around for him to buy more booze. So, here I am again 19 years later. My parents have passed. My son is now with boozer. My daughter is visiting with her dad. I'm of age but don't go out. I'm working my butt off to save up enough to go to college and while I have two vehicles and my own home, I'm still dating occassionally not finding the one I want to be with. I still feel in some ways like I'm 19. Strange how things have come full circle. Last night I didn't even have to go anywhere. The party was brought to me so to speak. I was invited to my neighbor's house across the street. We had dinner, dancing and even a live Mariachi band. Whew! They were still partying at 6am but I came home. All of my neighbors are great which is one of the reasons that I have stayed as long as I have. Eventually, I know I will have to leave here to go on whatever mission God has me go on but, for right now, I am sure enjoying the peace of having good friends and neighbors that have been loyal to me no matter what. I'm grateful for what I have and only needed to look within me to realize the void that I used to want to fill buying things that weren't necessary. And so with that, may you find within you whatever void needed to be filled. May you know the peace and joy I live every day with. May you continue to look at my struggles and how I over came them as a sign of hope for whatever you may be facing. May you grow in love of self, family and friends. May you understand what I have found that no material thing can be bought to fill that which you seek. May you realize that almighty dollar you are chasing will never be enough. May you realize that if you have to steal something from another that it will hurt you more than you ever will know. It's time to take a stand now. It's time to be an adult and realize this country is ours. It's time to bring in politicians that agree to uphold the American Constitution. It's time to engage in civil disobediance and stop letting people take away your rights with a pen stroke. It's time to say, "I took an oath to uphold the rights set forth in the constitution and not of promote world government." HONOR YOUR OATH! Refuse the National ID card even if it's your driver's license. If I can't board a plane because I don't have it, then the airline will suffer and is that so bad? And when the media says this country will fall apart if this is done....don't be fooled....it's the Federal Reserve trying to save itself. The Federal Reserve is no more a part of the government then Federal Express! IT is up to US to say we are the masters and you the government are working for us and not your own agenda. How much longer are you going to allow a bank to be your master? You may have that shiny new car in your driveway. You may have that huge house but who really owns it? THE BANK! Therefore, you are the slave of the bank. If I think about loosing my house as compared to being a slave, please take my house. I'm still the dominatrix to me and a few awesome subs!

Because of the fact that I no longer have parents, my best friend and I cook for those who are in the same boat. If you are one of those people and would like to come to dinner tomorrow, we would enjoy having you join our non traditional family. I will be serving dinner at my house at 6pm. My house is NOT the palace it once was but the hearts are warm, loving and giving to those who wish to join. Please send me a reply to this if you would like to join us. To those of you that have lots of family, have a blessed Thanksgiving with them. To those of you that are nerves in the face of being with "those" family members, enjoy what little time they are obnoxiously alive. With love to all my friends and family, Happy Thanksgiving! Clara aka The Goddess CoverDBabe

God I love pain sluts!~!!!!!! Current mood: giddy Category: Friends Truly, I adore them. Especially, when I need to work off some frustration. They watch me and offer themselves up to me when they know I need it. I so thank MichellefromHell for introducing me to some of these people. They have truly been a Godsend to me. I've always tried to be the very good natured lady that wouldn't say "shit" if I had a mouth full of it but dammit there have been 4 women in the last 5 years that just push this to the ultimate limit for me. Not only do they push me to the limit but they push other people to the limit as well. In fact, my ex picked up his gun and wanted to go after one of them. It took a while for me to get him talked out of it because he had been pushed to that breaking point. Actually, I think my ex would be a great Dom given the proper training. He does have a tendency to snap and being able to release it physically would be a great thing for him. I did try to get him to start it before we got married and little did I know at the time but now know, he still has some unresolved issues that should be addressed before he does blow up and really hurts someone. I do believe his curiousity will get the better of him. He will turn to it one day and be say like me, "Damn! Why didn't I try this earlier?" To get back to my blog here, I made mention to some people that I needed a release of this frustration. One pain slut in particular said, "Goddess where would you like me to stand?" My heart is now filled with glee in knowing that tomorrow I get a well deserved release. How can anyone not love that? Not only does he love a red bottom but gives great massages afterward. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! He's such a good boy! Sleep well, for tomorrow you will receive your "Red Badge of Courage" and I will be dancing with joy! wwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Happy Mother's Day! It's been a rather sad week for me in remembering my mom. Everyday when I go to work, I'm reminded of her as I look at the flag pole dedicated to her honor. If you go to look at my pics, you will see a pic of the first American flag to fly on it. Unfortunately since my computer was stolen, I no longer have the pics of the whole ceremony of that day. I sometimes wish that others could have been here to know what she was like. For some, they only need to come to the house and feel her presence here. Hell, her ghost scared the shit out of my ex-husband. hehehehehehehe! I guess she didn't like the evil he brought to this house and shortly after his departure, it was oh so peaceful here. You know what they say, "Don't piss off a ghost!" She probably could see all the lies that he was telling and she let him know she was not happy about what he was doing. My mom would get really mad if we told a lie. If she found out we lied to her, man she would whip our asses hard. I learned really quick to just tell the truth or it would come back and smack your ass. Through out my life I have found that people who build their lives on lies will always get punished in some shape or form. It might not be the next day. It may not be in the next year but it will come back on you. The problem that I have found is that many folks don't have the parents that I did who taught that lesson. They lie within their families as much as they lie to the outside world. I've had two marriages to men that lie. The one that didn't lie to me is the one that I stayed with the longest. My mom was so upset when we separated. She liked him a lot. As I told her and my aunts, if you like him so much, you go live with him. lol Travis is a good man. He's just not the right man for me. We get along much better as just friends. He's been very supportive of me through my parent's death and Gary leaving. I really appreciate that and that is why I'm trying to move closer to where he will be living when he gets out of the military Sept 1st. His mom lives in Ohio and is in need of full time care because she is being too forgetful. Apparently, she has gone and gotten the mail from the mail box and has almost gotten hit by a car because she was standing in the street. It would be nice if our children got to spend some more time with her before she passes. She is the last grandparent that they have now. The move has to be put on hold for now. Both of our children have applied and been accepted into specialized schools for their abilities. Yeah! Since Thomas has been in all Advanced Placement and Gifted and Talented classes, he has already taken the exit level TAKS and will be graduating in December ahead of the rest of his class. Yes! What a wonderful mother's day present to have received news of on Friday. We are all really excited about this turn of events. Toward the middle of the week, I did get to talk to a tax payer advocate for the IRS. I explained to her again that we never received the 1099s of the money in question and she read off the address as being on Paxton St. in Kansas! Hell, Gary hadn't lived there for at least 6 months prior to me even marrying him. Well, to me that is one mystery solved. As I told Gary outside the divorce court, you CAN NOT report something that you know nothing about. DUH!! The only one that could have changed that or even asked for a new one to be sent to us would have been him. If he had ever received a statement of interest from them, then he would have known that he should have received one again that year! Everything that I did know about, I did do correctly. So, therefore I am innocent. AND since I can prove that all of the support for the 4 children that lived in my house, I can by right take both of his kids as deductions. Oh that's not going to sit well with Gary's other ex. Do I give a flying fuck? NO! In fact, I wouldn't even be writing anything about Gary if he would take care of the debt that he owes me and the IRS. That's really the only reason I do it. I know that his g/f comes over to my blogs (On myspace) and reads them. She even created yet another damn screen name on 5/12/07 to reply to what I wrote in my last blog. I have her other screen names blocked. What's so funny is she always slips up and I figure out who it is. I guess she thinks I'm still a threat to her. *shrug* Whatever woman! If I had really wanted to keep Gary in my life, you or anyone else couldn't have stopped me from keeping him. Anyway, I'm off to get some sleep.

I just found out the homewrecker that lied to break up my marriage to GB is currently employed at Virginia Tech. The employee roster said she wasn't injured in the attack. With all the hell she put me through personally, she probably was one of the people that drove the gunman insane! Sorry, I just had to say it

Whew! The dumpster left this morning Current mood: accomplished Category: Life We worked our butts off to get rid of a lot of stuff this past few weeks. I'm really proud of both kids for pitching in to get the stuff out of here. The dumpster was full of shingles and household items that have needed to leave this house for a while but just couldn't let go of it. What helped me? I had bought a book a few years ago that I never sat down to read until this past year and it talks about the reasons, mental, physical and economic impact keeping "souveniers" has on a person's life. It also talked about alternatives to keeping things. It REALLY helped alot. Next comes gearing up for the garage sale. Now that I have room to go through all the boxes. I can finally break everything down into sections like I have wanted to do for some time but didn't have the space. Got it now! Yeah! We also have to start with the tear out of the sheetrock and as we started to try to move all of the old appliances out, we found that the stove combo in the back is hard wired. I was like wtf???? I did have the original contractor come out to look at it and he says it's been so many years that he can't remember where the wires went. Just lovely! NOT! Emotionally I have been trying to hold up. I'm not saying the tears didn't fall as we pitched stuff out. Thomas at one point pulled me off the dumpster because I went to peer in and was surprised by some of the stuff he threw out. He said, "Mom, remember that is what we HAVE to do." He was right and I knew it. It didn't stop the pang that went with it but, I'm glad that he was strong for me. Speaking of Thomas, well he got kicked off the football team last week. While he had been helping me, he wasn't getting much sleep and since I had gone to his coaches earlier in the school year wanting help in getting him off pot, they assumed that he was "under the influence" while on the field during practice. The mother in me wanted to step in and go to bat for him like I had always done but, it was also the mother in me that had to step out. He's 17, he has to choose to battle for himself. He choose not to. He was truthful with them, allowed them to search his truck two days in a row and made some choices about what he wanted to do about his own usage and his friends. He's seeing what I have told him all along but, it's hard as a parent to let them fall. I'm very proud of him for making a decision. Right or wrong he made his choice. Emily on the other hand, made honor roll again. She had perfect attendance and made Citizen of the Month. She too is making awesome strides and I'm so proud that we are working together again as a family unit to get through the things that have torn us down. Well it's time to get ready to go back to work again. If I don't get to speak to you before Easter, have a happy Easter or what ever you choose to celebrate. Love to you all, The Goddess CoverDBabe

Closing the Houston Chapter of my life. Current mood: accomplished Category: Life Closing the Houston Chapter of MY Life This week, I made a decision to finally put an end to my time in this house and city. Memorial Day weekend marks the 6th year that I have been back here. I guess you could call it a seven year itch that started early. No decision has been made on where I'm moving, I just know it's time to go. I had sort of made the decision after my father died but, someone else decided that I wasn't ready to go. If you are thinking that someone was human, you are way wrong. And really that's way cool because had she not taken that off of my hands, I wouldn't have met some of the really wonderful people that I have this past year and a half. All she really did was remove a giant obstacle out of my life and in doing so, I found peace within. Yes, I said she. My guardian angel is one or both of my twin sisters. I am the only survivor of triplet pregnacies. Long story but, they thought I was dead too. Even though the x-ray showed two gas rings mom insisted that she felt movement and they found my heartbeat in January and I was born in March, thirty ???? years ago this week. Anyways, lots of stuff has happened in my life this past year. If you haven't kept up with my blogs, go read them and you will know. One of the biggest things to happen is that I have found childhood friends and made new ones. As the girl scout song says, "Make new friends but, keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold." In February, I finally got in touch with a platinum friend. I found my first ever best girlfriend and she lives in Alaska! Geeze! Now she and I are on a quest to find the third friend. Peter, if you are out there, we are going to find you. lol At the early part of March, we had a little scare as Mrs. Moore, my 85 year old next door neighbor/second mother was diagnosed with colon cancer and was given 6 months to live. We all prayed about it and the tests came back that she will be making a full recovery with treatment. Whew! But even with that, she still is 85. You would never know it looking at her getting around the house and still driving however, after her last accident, she isn't driving after dark anymore. Bless her heart! I love her to death. Backing up to January though, my finances went to hell in a hen basket. Since, my former tenent was hospitalized with congestive heart failure, survived and moved at his son's insistance, my extra income was gone. The break ins didn't help matters either as they took anything of "hockable" value. Several of my utilities were cut off and I had no one to go to for a little cash loan. With a bad leak in my roof causing mass destruction to 4 rooms of my house, I had to refinance. I didn't get as much money as I thought but it was enough to get a new roof, new appliances for the twenty something year old appliances that were here and died on me and my a/c to be re worked. I couldn't afford a totally new a/c unit for the house but, I had enough for a slightly used one. Houston is freaking hot in the spring let alone the summer! The roof was finished yesterday! Yeah! Now more work has to go into getting all the moldy sheetrock and insulation out. Ugh! I'm highly allergic to mold. It's been slowly making me strive to survive. So, with that being said, I will be extremely busy with all of that, still. If you want to help out, please call or send me an e-mail. I will try to check once a day. It's not that I don't love y'all, it's just that I need to move on with whatever my life still has in store for me. This house and all the memories are just that memories. I need to make some new ones. The Goddess CoverDBabe has spoken