The Goddess CoverDBabe's blog: "Thought provoking articles"

Family history lesson Emil Schuhmann of Waldeck (1856-1937) Emil Schuhmann was a musician and music teacher for the organ, accordion, concertina and wrote his own music. He was the son of Carl Schuhmann, one of the first Schuhmanns in our family to come to America. Emil is best known for the unusual toy he built, a baromet. He carved the wood figures and painted the setting. Movement of the figures is from a propeller operating from rising heat from small oil lamps. The toy is on display at the Winedale Inn museum near Waldeck. Emil was the guiding spirit for the well-known Schuhmann Band, which played during the 1880s. The other members were his father, Carl, Uncle Christian, and cousins, Paul and Gus. Paul played the cornet; Gus played the alto-trombone horn. The band took part in the dedication of the state capitol in 1883.

Dear Clara, You're angry right now ... very ANGRY! It's understandable. When the person you love and trust most in the world betrays you, lies to you, and cheats on you, the natural response is to feel angry You have every right to your angry feelings. I would be angry too. Perhaps you find yourself blowing up at your spouse almost every time you see him or her. You feel like you can't help it. The rage you feel about being betrayed is too much and you explode in a fit of hurtful words and actions. Perhaps you start unloading on your spouse when he or she does one minor thing that offends you and the offensive behavior sets you into motion- berating your spouse, not just for the current offensive behavior, but for an endless chain of other misbehaviors that may or may not be related. I refer to this as "throwing in the kitchen sink," or "kitchen-sinking" your partner. Or maybe your style is to conceal your anger. It seethes under the surface. You might even do this so well that you have convinced yourself you've overcome your anger. But secretly you know it's still there, bubbling below the surface waiting to explode like a ticking time bomb. These are some of the natural reactions to feeling betrayed by your spouse. If your spouse cheated on you, it's a natural urge for most people to verbally explode, especially in the very early stages immediately after you find out about the affair. This anger can be useful to the injured person, but there comes a time when expressing your angry feelings gets to a point of diminishing returns. It starts creating more problems than it solves. Most people know when they have hit this point. They want to let go of their anger, but they don't know how. They desperately look for a way out of the nightmare of rage that never seems to end. In my last article, I suggested you think of acceptance rather than forgiveness as an alternative way to move toward repairing your marriage. However, the problem of unrelenting anger is one of the single biggest obstacles on your path to acceptance. I've seen it many times when helping clients repair their marriage. Learning how to cope with, manage, and express your feelings so they effectively help you change your marriage instead of tearing you apart inside is a major goal for many of you as you search for ways to forgive your spouse. In fact, some of you may not even know the full extent of why you are really angry. There are some underlying factors that maintain the cycle of anger that you may not be aware of. This lack of awareness can perpetuate the problem. So in this article I will explain 3 reasons you may be holding on to your anger, and offer some tips for expressing your feelings in a more meaningful way so you can begin to let them go. Learning the information and the skills in this article has the potential to help you accept and eventually "forgive" your spouse so you can move forward in your relationship rather than feeling stuck in your angry feelings. 3 Reasons You are Still Angry There are a lot of reasons you might be holding on to your emotional pain and anger. The reason I encounter most is that holding onto the pain and anger feels like a kind of protection. The thinking goes: "If I continue to feel the pain, it will keep me from being foolish in the future by being duped or having this happen again." Another variation on this might be: "If I maintain my anger, my partner will really know how much he hurt me and how important this issue is to me. Consequently, my spouse will be motivated to take care of my hurt feelings and not repeat the transgression." You may be experiencing thoughts and feelings like this right now. However, what you might not be aware of is that there are at least three issues hidden inside statements like these that reveal the real reason you are still angry. They are: 1. You want to show your spouse how hurtful his or her actions were so you can get the special treatment you desire from him or her to make you feel that you can move on from the transgression. 2. You want your spouse to know how hurtful the behavior was and continues to be, so he or she will diligently search his or her behavior for an understanding of how this happened, accept full responsibility for it and for the subsequent pain it caused, and be authentically remorseful about it. 3. You want to have some assurance that this will never happen again. This is a big one and it comes up over and over again. You may feel as though you have been made to look foolish, and you never want to feel this way again. Through the logic of points one and two, you feel that extending the pain and anger will effect a change in your spouse. I see these issues come up over and over again. They are understandable, and they reflect important aspects of the healing process. You've been made to feel like a fool and you want to make sure that never happens again. You want some assurance that your spouse understands the pain he or she caused, is properly remorseful and apologetic about these actions, and is monitoring his or her behaviors to make sure what happened before won't happen again. And you want some special treatment from your spouse to help you feel better about your marriage. However, anger, particularly continuing anger will almost never get you what you want. If you're angry, it's more likely your spouse will feel attacked and either withdraw, defend him- or herself, or attack back. In any case, he or she will likely stop trying to provide you with the words and actions you need to feel better about your marriage or will do so reluctantly, feeling coerced and perhaps resentful. It's true that your spouse behaved in a selfish manner that completely failed to take you and your feelings into consideration. That's a character flaw your spouse has to overcome. If you decide you are going to stay and work out the relationship with your spouse, then at some point you have to manage your angry thoughts before they become angry feelings: You begin to treat your spouse as your friend and not as your enemy. The anger is not protecting you. In fact, your anger is probably hurting you more than anyone else. For one thing there is the additional psychological stress and pain you feel every day you continue to carry this anger. However, anger has more than a psychological impact. It changes you physically as well. It's hard on your heart. It alters the way your blood vessels deposit fat. It can affect the way your body processes sugar and insulin. It can even change the biochemistry of your brain. Anger doesn't serve you. It's not a shield. It's a weapon- a weapon you use against an enemy, but in today's world, you are destroying yourself with it. You need to let it go. It's killing you. However, that doesn't mean you should suddenly pretend everything is rosy in your marriage again. That isn't realistic either. You need to express your hurt, or, rather, the ideas that are driving your anger. You need to communicate your pain to your spouse if you are going to move past this terrible trap and continue down the road to acceptance and eventually forgiveness. Communication is the core of your marriage. It's your method to heal. If you can't communicate, your marriage may never heal. When it comes to anger and the hurt that underlies it, learning how to communicate those thoughts becomes more important than ever- especially if your spouse has betrayed you. In the rest of this article I will give you some tips on how to do that. Expressing Your Anger without "Getting" Angry What follows are some tips on how to express your thoughts and feelings to your spouse so you can begin to overcome your sense of betrayal and move further down the path to acceptance. This is not a comprehensive treatment of either communication or anger. For that information you should refer to my complete program: How to Forgive and Work through the past (go to: http://www.howyouforgive.com/?i=576) Tip #1: Control the Inner Cave Man Before you even begin talking to or listening to your spouse you need to control your inner caveman. I've discussed this concept in detail in previous articles. However, I'd like to offer a reminder here. The person you are talking to is not your enemy. You want this person to be your best friend. I know that may be hard to keep in mind when you are trying to discuss feelings of anger and betrayal, but it is critical that you do so. If you identify your spouse as your enemy, you will let out your inner caveman. Doing this will start the cycle of anger all over again and you will feel the desperate need to win and conquer rather than heal and repair. You are not a caveman. You can control this beast inside you and choose to act differently. The control is in your thinking-in your attitude. The thinking and attitude occur before you have the resultant feelings. You contain yourself for a reason: It's the best way to move forward with your marriage. You choose to change your attitude to one of friendship and accept your feelings and not act out in rage so you can heal your marriage. If you won't do this, if you make excuses about it being too hard, you are essentially giving in to your inner caveman and creating justifications for further unproductive (and perhaps even destructive) arguments with your spouse. I know it isn't always easy. But it's the first step in getting past your anger. Tip #2; Use "I" Statements In order to communicate your feelings to your spouse effectively, you have to talk in a manner so your spouse can hear what you are saying. There are a lot of parts to this process, but when it comes to communicating anger and resentment the most important is using "I" statements. Instead of saying "you did this" and "you did that," I recommend you focus on your personal experience and your feelings. You might say: I feel crushed, I feel sad, I feel disappointed, or I feel resentful. You can then tell your spouse why you feel these things. But the point is to focus on your experience. Tell your spouse how you feel, not about what "he or she did." I can't tell you exactly what to say, because each situation and each person is different. However, I do offer a method for creating good "I" statements in various parts of my writing. I refer you to those materials for more information and ideas. Tip #3: Manage Your Feelings So You Can Truly Listen This one is more for the cheater or the spouse who did the betraying. However, it does apply to the injured person as well and it is one of the most important pieces of the whole communication process. You need to learn to manage your feelings so you can listen to your spouse. That means identifying him or her as a friend instead of an enemy as I discussed above. It also means no defending, no editorializing, no argumentation. It means accepting what your spouse is saying as his or her experience even if you don't agree with or like what is being said. It means assuming your spouse is a rational person with good reasons for thinking or feeling the way he or she does. And it means you make an attempt to understand your spouse's perspective even if it doesn't match your own. Give up the idea of someone being "right." Instead focus on the experience your spouse is describing. Allow your spouse to develop his or her thoughts and feelings in real time. Ask questions. Be attentive. And don't hold your spouse to previous statement made in the conversation. Listen to your spouse. Understand his or her perspective. Don't stay buried in your own perceptions. These tips are only a small part of a larger step-by-step program for managing angry feelings, discussing them, and improving your communication skills overall. But if you incorporate these tips, by themselves they can make a dramatic difference in your marriage. These are ways you can move beyond your anger and continue down the path toward acceptance. Another part of the process is learning how to "forgive" in an uncertain world. You want to be sure your spouse will never betray you again, but you are also aware how uncertain this prospect is. After all, he or she did it once before. What's to stop him or her from doing it again? In the next article I will discuss this problem and give you some ideas about how to move toward forgiveness in this uncertain world we all live in. However, if you know anger and forgiveness is a big problem for you, then I strongly encourage you to invest in my new program called, How to Forgive and Work through the past. I designed this program solely to be a step-by- step system that will show you how to forgive your partner, move past your pain and begin to trust again. Holding onto anger and pain damages you more than anyone else. Make a commitment to yourself to get rid of it. Please go to http://www.howyouforgive.com/?i=576 for more information. In the meantime, let me know how it goes with you. I'd love to hear about your marriage. Post a comment to this blog by clicking the comment on this page: http://savingyourrelationship.com/blog/3-reasons-you-re-still-angry-and-what-to-do-about-it As always, I wish you all the best on your road to a wonderful marriage. Until next time, Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D. SurviveAnAffair.com 1121C Military Cutoff Road, #359 Wilmington, NC 28405 US If you no longer wish to receive communication from us: http://autocontactor.com/app/r.asp?ID=50852437&ARID=0&D= To update your contact information: http://autocontactor.com/app/r.asp?c=1&ID=50852437&D=

Happy Thanksgiving. Today I want to continue my discussion about killing an affair before it starts. Then, the second part of my email will revolve around the healthy way to tell your spouse about encounters with someone of the opposite sex. Knowing how to do this will not only protect your marriage from danger, but also help build up your marriage and rebuild trust. These are two very good things. Okay, on to today's subject. Nobody wants to experience the pain and betrayal an affair causes. No one wants to face that horrific moment where your sense of safety and peace is shattered because you learn the awful truth that your spouse cheated on you. If you are the cheater, you probably didn't go into your marriage planning to compromise your own integrity and devastate the person you loved most in the world. And if you are the injured, you surely didn't go into marriage expecting to be betrayed by the person you loved most in the world. In short, no one expects or wants to go through the trauma that an affair causes-neither the cheater nor the injured person want it. Yet affairs happen virtually every day. Why? One of the reasons is that individuals and couples don't put precautions in place to protect their marriages from situations that could potentially lead to an affair. Putting precautions in place when your relationship is new, exciting and wonderful is a turn-off for many individuals who think of this as a message of mistrust-after all, they think, "Our love is so strong that our relationship is going to be like this forever." It is inevitable that problems or stressful times will arise in your relationship. At one of those times someone from your life could appear as a savior, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on. Most people don't believe it can happen until so many little lines have been crossed that now in retrospect a huge violation has occurred. If you're serious about protecting your relationship, and making it better than it has ever been, you need to protect it from affairs even though you think it could never happen to you. That's why I am providing this series of articles to suggest skills you need to help you protect your relationship from an affair. These skills do not offer you 100% assurance. After all, there are no guarantees in life when it comes to other people's actions. However, the skills you are learning in this series have the potential to protect your marriage. In the last email I focused on the risk involved in almost any continuing and frequent relationship with someone of the opposite sex. In this article, the focus will be on your own internal responses-how to monitor them and how to talk about them. This is the next step to protecting your marriage. If you have been through an affair (and especially if you cheated on your spouse), the information you are about to read is absolutely critical. It will point out some of the skills you need to protect your marriage from future affairs. Monitoring Your Internal Responses Years ago, I was in a business meeting sitting across from a very attractive woman. I mean she was drop-dead gorgeous. This meeting brought together a group of professionals around a common concern. Once in a while, I glanced her way and each time she was staring at me. As soon as the meeting ended, she walked directly over to me and invited me to lunch. I was flabbergasted. Part of me really wanted to go to lunch with her. But it wasn't because I wanted to have an affair with her and ruin my marriage. I just wanted to admire her beauty and talk with her. I turned down her invitation. I assume her staring and her invitation were probably based on some of my comments to the group rather than sexually motivated. I know for my part that my motivation to accept her invitation was not about sex, but to have an extended opportunity to experience her beauty. Even though I could justify this as innocent, I decided that going to lunch with this woman was out of the question. Why? Well, part of it goes back to what I discussed in my last email. I feel that interactions with people of the opposite sex should be carefully thought through and limited. But this was a professional encounter. She was a colleague, and we both were working on different parts of the same project. I could even give myself the argument that it would only be this one time since we came from different geographic areas to attend this meeting. That being the case, why would I turn down such an invitation? The reason is relatively simple: my internal monitor told me going to lunch with this woman would be a mistake. I was then, and continue to be, actively married-my internal warnings were going off. Also, as a couples' counselor I had seen too many "safe" or "innocent" situations lead to self-deception one very small step at a time until there was a full-blown affair. I was very attracted to this woman, and that was a danger to my marriage-even though I knew I did not want to start anything sexual, and even though I knew we each could probably benefit if we shared information about the overall project. Any time you encounter a situation where you are attracted to someone, red flags should go up in your mind. You might also feel the danger signal as an excitement in your body. At these times, you will want to be very careful about how you interact with the person you are attracted to, regardless of the context. In short, you need to be attentive to your internal monitor that tells you when a situation is risky for your marriage. This attentiveness requires you to be completely honest with yourself and tune into what your true feelings are telling you. In the situation above, I could have told myself, "This is just business. It's nothing personal. I'm not going to make a move on her anyway." Or I might have thought, "Hey, what could happen over a single lunch? Everything will be perfectly alright. Besides, my wife will never know anyway." But in the end, each of these seemingly "rational justifications" would have been nothing more than an excuse. I knew I was attracted to this woman. And I knew that was a potential risk to my marriage. Perhaps it was not a current risk, but maybe a potential peril waiting to happen -next month, next year, or even five or more years away. Why expose myself to the possibility that something might happen? After all, I am human, and humans make "mistakes." To this day, I don't think I would have made the "mistake" of crossing the boundaries of proper behavior; however, I also know I made the right choice to have no further contact with that woman. I have seen too many people who feel confident they won't cheat, yet find themselves in situations where their defenses are weakened and they make an awful mistake in judgment they regret for the rest of their lives. I never want to make that mistake. I care about my wife and my marriage too much. So I turned down the chance to go to lunch with a beautiful woman. I listened to my internal monitor. And I'm happy I did. Yes, I had to turn down some fun in the moment. Yes, I had to sacrifice the opportunity to admire this woman's beauty some more. This was a difficult choice for me. Don't think I am some god-like person who easily turned down this opportunity. I believed her invitation was probably innocent, and I think I hurt her feelings when I turned her down-which is something I generally don't like to do. But those small sacrifices were worth it for the larger picture. The stakes were too high for me. It was a gamble I wasn't willing to take. I wanted to protect my marriage. If you're serious about protecting your marriage, I recommend you tune into your internal monitor similarly. Listen to that voice inside you that says, "Hey, this is a little risky. You're attracted to this person, and that means your marriage may be in trouble if you act on this impulse." What kind of scenarios might you find yourself in where your internal monitor starts sending you messages? The possibilities are endless, but here are a few samples: >> Going to lunch with a beautiful colleague >> Just having fun >> Flirting with someone attractive >> Secluding yourself and talking with someone you are attracted to >> Engaging in conversations where you and someone you are attracted to discuss your marital troubles >> Making eyes at someone you find attractive >> Physically touching someone you are attracted to under almost any situation >> Joining a gym where you know someone you are already attracted to >> Being "buddies" with someone of the opposite sex even if you are not attracted to each other >> Using someone of the opposite sex to process emotionally-laden experiences-particularly if these experiences involve your spouse Obviously this list could go on indefinitely. The idea is that you don't want to expose your relationship to potential jeopardy by acting on sexually- or emotionally- motivated impulses. And you particularly don't want to encourage problems by interacting with or pursuing someone you find attractive. Instead, if you are valuing your marriage the way you promised to, you will want to keep your distance from situations like these and turn down invitations when they come up. You will want to listen to your internal monitor honestly and react appropriately. You will want to protect your marriage by staying away from scenarios that are alluring, or that provide you with that internal excitement. And there's one more thing you will want to do if you are going to make this as effective as possible. You will want to tell your spouse exactly what happened as soon as possible after one of these situations occurs. You might want to ask me, "Are you for real? You want me to tell my spouse I'm attracted to someone else?" Why would you share this information and potentially cause an argument when you have been trying to save your marriage from further problems? Perhaps the biggest question of all is: How could you possibly present this information to your spouse in a meaningful way? Let me answer a few of these questions before I close. How and Why to Tell Your Spouse about Situations that Endanger Your Marriage Communicating with your spouse about situations where your internal monitor tells you your marriage is in potential danger can actually be a much more positive experience than it seems. For one thing, it is a sign to your spouse that you are serious about protecting your marriage. It shows you are being honest and forthcoming with information, and it demonstrates your investment in staying away from potentially vulnerable situations that could lead to an affair. While your spouse won't be thrilled to hear about your attraction to another person, after he or she gets past the initial dismay your admission may cause, it is very likely your spouse will appreciate your honesty. That has been my experience over and over again- both in my personal life and in my professional experience. I recommend you tell your spouse about every aspect of the situation, exactly as it occurred. How you present this information ultimately depends on your own communication style and what works for you and your spouse. You may simply be matter-of-fact about what happened, you might introduce it with a little humor (if that's appropriate), or you might sit down and have a serious discussion regarding boundaries in your marriage. Note: If you cheated in your relationship, humor about meeting someone else is probably going to backfire. Above all, you need to be completely honest and forthcoming with information. This is the key to the entire process. As long as you are honest, you create an opportunity for you and your spouse to discuss any thoughts or feelings that may need to be addressed regarding the circumstance. In this way you turn what could have been a devastating situation into something that can help deepen your connection with your partner. I know that may seem like a stretch to some of you at this point. But in most cases, there is a long-term benefit to this awareness and openness. Be honest with your spouse about situations where you were attracted to someone; tune in to your internal monitor; then use the opportunity to recommit to your marriage by moving away from the temptation. These steps will draw the two of you together. That's what happened for me and my wife. You see, the day that woman asked me out to lunch, I went home and told my wife exactly what happened. I explained to her that a very attractive woman asked me out to lunch, and I declined because I didn't want to put our relationship in harm's way. My wife was not delighted at the idea that this woman invited me out to lunch. I can't blame her for that. I can't say I would be thrilled if a hunk of a man invited her to lunch. However, she did appreciate my honesty afterwards. And she definitely appreciated the fact that I valued our relationship enough to not pursue a situation that was probably low- risk anyway. The incident I mentioned happened many years ago. It was one of the occasions that deepened our connection. It enhanced our trust level and our openness. The same thing can happen for you if you use your internal monitor to spot situations that could endanger your marriage, and then communicate these instances to your spouse. Use situations like this as an opportunity to discuss issues regarding boundaries in your marriage. Reaffirm that your marriage is your first priority. Act in a way that makes it clear the sentiments you have talked about are important to you. Your goal should always be to make your marriage a little better today than it was yesterday. In the final part of this series I will explain some behaviors you can watch for in your partner that may be indications your marriage is in danger. I will also give you some tips about how you can discuss these behaviors with your partner, so you can take yet another step toward protecting your marriage from an affair. Let me know how it goes with you. I'd love to hear about your marriage. Post a comment to this blog by clicking the comment link on this page: == > http://savingyourrelationship.com/blog/stopping-an-affair-before-it-starts-part-2 Today's discussion was a small part of my program How to Survive An Affair. If you have not yet purchased my system, I strongly encourage you to. Please use this link and read the whole story. ==> http://www.howtosurvivetheaffair.com/?i=604 As always, I wish you all the best on your road to a wonderful marriage. Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D. Save My Marriage - Made Remarkably Simple 1121C Military Cutoff Road, #359 Wilmington, NC 28405 US If you no longer wish to receive communication from us: http://autocontactor.com/app/r.asp?ID=49503441&ARID=0&D= To update your contact information: http://autocontactor.com/app/r.asp?c=1&ID=49503441&D=

What would you do if you had a crystal ball and you could foresee your spouse having an affair 3 months from now? Imagine what it would feel like to know your spouse cheated. Maybe you don't have to imagine... maybe it's already happened. If so, I am truly sorry. Once you've experienced an affair, you've walked through a one-way door you can never go back through again. No matter how much you wish the affair never happened, no matter how much you want your relationship to "go back to the way it was," that can never happen. None of us can undo the past. Whether you're the cheater or the injured person, the affair is a reality you are going to have to live with from now on. That's true whether you decide to repair your marriage or not. The affair is never going to go away. But what about stopping an affair before it ever starts? And what about protecting your relationship from the possibility of future affairs? Is it possible to do that? Yes, it is ... at least to some degree. Of course, you can't ever completely control the actions of another human being. You can't "make" your spouse not cheat on you. If he or she chooses to take that road, there's no blockade you can put up to prevent him or her from going down it. But there are ways you can make it a little less likely your spouse will take that road in the first place, and there are ways for a cheater to start being aware of what actions might lead him or her down the path to another affair. You see, even cheaters don't start off their marriage thinking, "I know, I'll get married, and later I'll sleep around or at least have sex with someone else." In almost all cases, it just doesn't work that way. Instead people end up in a series of situations that makes the possibility of an affair more and more likely. You can avoid these early situations if you are diligent and assertive and know what to be aware of. I know you want to protect your marriage from an affair. This is true whether you have already been through one or not. For that reason, in the next 3 articles I am going to do a mini-series on how to stop affairs before they start, and how to protect your marriage for your future. Even if you haven't been through an affair, you can use the ideas in this series to inoculate your relationship against future affairs. You can't undo the past, but you can change the future. You can't "go back to the way things were," but many of you can make your marriage better than ever. You need to protect your marriage to keep it safe from affairs. I will be giving you tips in this article and the ones to follow, which can help protect your marriage from affairs. 1) Don't Invite Trouble into Your Marriage I once had a client, let's call him Tom, tell me the following story after he found out his wife, let's call her Janice, had cheated on him: My wife Janice had always wanted to learn to play the piano, and I wanted to do something really nice for her 35th birthday. So I decided to meet with one of the best piano teachers in town to see if he would give her lessons. This guy was a complete hunk. I even knew that, and I'm a guy! He was handsome, muscular, charming and talented. It was like he was the perfect man. But all I was thinking about was that Janice had wanted piano lessons since she was a kid, and this guy came with glowing recommendations from one of my friends. I hired him without a second thought. I guess looking back, I should have known better. Within a few months, Janice was having an affair with this man. I feel kind of foolish now, but I never even saw it coming. After all, she was my wife!" I really felt for Tom, and at the same time, I realized he had made a mistake hiring that particular piano teacher. Of course, the affair wasn't his fault. And I want to emphasize that point strongly. When an affair happens, only one person is responsible for making it happen-the cheater. However, inviting an attractive male piano teacher in to his home to meet privately with his wife should have raised some red flags for Tom. When your marriage is going well and even when it's not going well but you have full faith in your partner's integrity, most of you will find it just about impossible to imagine that your spouse might ever have an affair. That was Tom's attitude. He didn't think he had to do anything extra to protect against an affair. He was even giving a loving "gift" of lessons for his wife. Generally speaking, you should be wary of any interactions you or your spouse has with someone of the opposite gender. This is very important for people who have already been through affairs, but it is also important for people who haven't and simply want to make their marriage as safe as possible. In my opinion, when a man and a woman are together repeatedly and especially if they are alone, there is a potential for a spark to ignite. No matter how "mature" you are, no matter how "open- minded" you are about male to female relationships, the underlying sexual chemistry between men and women can make your resolve difficult at times. Every one of you has a choice about how you act, but those choices can easily be muddled and complicated when your biology is telling you to act in one way while your mind is telling you something else. An affair can begin even if only one of the paramours has an interest-even if the other person has absolutely no interest and no attraction at the beginning. Does this mean you should avoid all interactions with people of the opposite gender? That isn't realistic in today's world. However, it does mean you should be wary any time you or your spouse is interacting with someone of the opposite sex. And it also means that to a large degree one-on-one interactions with people of the opposite sex should mostly be limited to a professional basis, or arranged carefully to avoid alone time together. Let me give you a personal example. I have a woman friend, a professional colleague, whom I have known longer than I have known my wife. We were never romantically involved. I was best friends with her first husband at one time, and she worked at my clinic for a time. When he left her and moved away with someone else, she and I remained friends. Just as a matter of course, we meet only in public places where I am a familiar face and many people know my wife. I always invite my wife along-they know and like each other-and tell her where we will be. If my wife declines, I always leave the invitation open for her to join us during the meal, if she changes her mind. These precautions are unnecessary, because we have never expressed any kind of verbal or non- verbal interest in each other. We meet once or twice a year, although we have met up to four times in a year, and we skip some years altogether. And yet, I keep the precautions in place anyway. Isn't that what "precautions" are: preliminary actions that are not necessary but provide an additional level of assurance? We do not meet or talk frequently and don't hang out regularly together like "buddies." Why am I going into such detail about this relationship? Because I think that any male to female or female to male relationship is a risk. And, I believe this kind of thinking is important for any marriage you want to protect. Thinking like this and using precautions like these become especially important if you have suffered from an affair. If this is the case, you already know you or your spouse has a weakness of character. Why agitate problems that could easily be avoided with forethought? I know what you're thinking: you're thinking, "Dr. Gunzburg, this all sounds so old-fashioned. You need to wake up and get with the modern era." Believe me when I tell you I have not always taken this "traditional" approach to male to female or female to male relationships. I didn't always think the way I do now about these issues. However, one of the big problems I encounter over and over again in my work is when couples do not create strict enough boundaries around their relationships concerning friends or associates of the opposite sex. Imagine how you might react if you were the woman receiving piano lessons in the story above. (If you're a man simply reverse the gender roles.) Imagine you meet this gorgeous, interesting person who shares the same passions you do, and happens to be an expert in a hobby you have always wanted to take up. He has to sit next to you for some of the teaching, or lean over your shoulder and you can feel his breath on your neck. He puts his hand on your back for balance, or to emphasize his point, or to give you encouragement. Would there possibly be some temptation there? I'm sure you're thinking, "I would never cheat no matter what!" And maybe you wouldn't. Maybe you don't have the "leaky character" I have discussed in previous articles. Maybe you could stand up in the face of temptation, and do the right thing. But why take the risk?!!? There are other piano teachers in the world. There are other people you could have intimate friendships with. Why does it have to be with someone of the opposite sex? Ultimately this is all about risk-management, priorities, creating boundaries, and building fences around your marriage-issues I have discussed in various other parts of my writing. It's your life. No one can "tell you what to do." I surely can't, nor would I want to. You have to decide how much risk you are willing to take. I don't skydive. Maybe you do. Personally, I think it's dangerous. The possibility of death is imminent, and it doesn't seem like that moment of exhilaration is worth the risk to me. By the same token I don't have intimate, solo interactions with people of the opposite sex- I've told you the extent of my relationship with my best and longest-term female friend. As interesting or compelling as any person might be on any number of levels, my relationship with my wife is too important to take the risk of being too close with a woman or being "buddies" together. In fact, if you are spending frequent quality time with someone of the opposite sex, this behavior might be seen as demeaning and disrespectful to your spouse. If you're recovering from an affair, you already know these situations present a risk for you. If you're the cheater and you are serious about repairing your marriage, you should be willing to limit (and perhaps eliminate) contact with people of the opposite sex. Your limits will depend on what you and your spouse decide is appropriate. The two of you should sit down and talk together about what your boundaries are regarding these issues. For a more specific method for talking about these issues, I recommend you see chapter 10 of my book Saving Your Marriage. [Use this link to purchase Saving Your Marriage: http://www.savingmymarriagenow.com/?i=603] If you have had an affair before, I recommend you reign n your boundaries pretty tightly, using some of the suggestions I have offered above. Due to the fact that you now have a history of giving in to temptation, you want to put the safest plan you can create into place. I know this might not be comfortable at first. You may even have to sacrifice some friendships in order to make it happen. And in some cases that can be a difficult sacrifice to make. In time, it will get easier. And keep in mind that you are making these sacrifices for the most important relationship in your life-your marriage. In my view, sacrifices like this are worth it if it keeps your marriage safe. One-on-one interactions with people of the opposite sex present a risk to your marriage. That is a reality. If you want your relationship to be as safe as possible, I recommend you limit (or eliminate) these interactions. It minimizes your risk, and is a powerful symbol to your spouse about how serious you are about your marriage. In the next blog you will get part 2 of this series on stopping affairs before they start. In that article I will teach you how to monitor your inner reactions to situations that present a danger for your marriage, and how to talk honestly with your spouse about them so you can save your marriage before further problems occur. ============================================ If you relationship has been torn apart by an affair, then I am going to ask you to purchase my program. If you haven't yet purchased the program I am going to ask you to do so now. The cost of the program is less than 1 hour of marriage counseling. There are three distinct phases you need to go through in specific order after you experience an affair. These phases of healing will make the difference. Phase I: Individual Healing - Understanding Personal Feelings and Sorting through Emotions >> Take control of the paralyzing emotions. >> Regain your sense of stability and get rid of the images. >> Eliminate the paranoia and restore your self-confidence. >> Cut-off the affair and move back to your spouse. >> Replace the lies with truth and start over. >> Understand why the affair happened. >> Uncover what was missing and how to add it. Phase II: Healing As a Couple - Working Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues >> Accelerate the healing process: Protect your relationship from further harm. >> Discover how to talk about the details. >> Transform your relationship with a heart-felt apology. >> Generate new honest communication. >> Ignite a renewed life-long commitment. >> Capture peace of mind with true forgiveness. Phase III: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship - Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain a New Trust-filled Partnership >> Eliminate the suspicion with complete transparency. >> Restore your sex life without haunting visions. >> Affair-proof your marriage for life. >> Develop lasting safety, honesty and intimacy. >> Accept the past without being tormented I stand behind my program and guarantee that if you don't change your relationship and make it better than ever, I will buy it back from you. There is nothing to lose. Please take the initiative and get started. Go here now and begin healing your relationship after the affair: >> http://www.howtosurvivetheaffair.com/?i=602 As always, I wish you all the best on your road to a wonderful marriage. Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D. P.S. Please post a comment on this blog by clicking over to this page now: http://savingyourrelationship.com/blog/stopping-an-affair-before-it-starts Saving Your Marriage 1121C Military Cutoff Road, #359 Wilmington, NC 28405 US If you no longer wish to receive communication from us: http://autocontactor.com/app/r.asp?ID=50852437&ARID=0&D= To update your contact information: http://autocontactor.com/app/r.asp?c=1&ID=50852437&D=

The Pain of Suffering
LIFE IS NOT FAIR – BUT GOD IS GOOD
SUFFERING IS A PART OF LIFE.

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.

1 Peter 4:12
purosis (poo'-ro-sis) – burning, fiery trial.
THREE KINDS OF SUFFERING
COMMON SUFFERING

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

John 16:33
CONSEQUENTIAL SUFFERING

You will suffer… bear the consequences of your sins...Then you will know that I am the Sovereign LORD.

Ezekial 23:49
CHRISTIAN SUFFERING.

In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.

2 Timothy 3:12
SUFFERING CAN DRAW YOU TO CHRIST.

But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed...if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name...

1 Peter 4:13-14, 16
I want to know Christ… and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings.

Philippians 3:10
SUFFERING CAN SEAL YOUR COMMITMENT TO CHRIST.

So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

1 Peter 4:12-19
paratithemi (par-at-ith'-ay-mee); to deposit as a trust or for protection
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4
GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO IN ME?

----------------- Bulletin Message ----------------- From: Duane Deemer "Cowboy" Date: Jul 23, 2007 8:47 PM ----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Night Sky Watcher
Date: 23 Jul 2007, 12:37 PM


----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: SAVE THE SACRED SITES
Date: Jul 23, 2007 2:32 AM


----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: inyan hoksila
Date: Jul 23, 2007 3:28 AM


Thanks!!! dreamer

WoZ (Nituhkuyin Mahikan Mist..iguso)
Indigenous Flygirl
From our brothers and sisters at the International Indian Treaty Council

Friends,

Please take a moment to review and sign the online petition to protect the Apache Leap sacred site from desecration by copper mining. The goal is 20,000 signatures and when I signed it, I was number 1518. There is a ways to go but it is not impossible.

You can make a difference.

Alyssa
____________________________________

Dear Friends,

Please help on this one....

I need 20,000 signatures in 30 days to kill a bill in US Congress that will give land to a Canadian mining Company and make them exempt from all NEPA mandated processes on public lands. It will enable them to destroy Apache Leap area and probably dewater one of the few perennial streams left in Arizona--it's a beautiful area!

Please sign and send to at least 20 people anywhere in U.S. This is a national issue! We are making a pitch to get on NPR.

All the details are at http://www.mining-law-reform.info

website, or you can link directly to the petition: http://www.petitiononline.com/coop2468/petition.html

BE WELL

Nancy Freeman

www.savethesantacruzaquifer.info
www.g-a-l.info

520/207-6506
520/235-0256 (cell)


.... many prayers ....

William "Sky" Crosby, Director, ECCO
Environmental and Cultural Conservation Organization
Tucson, Arizona
sky11@mindspring.com

23. Between Both Engines on Flight 77 Or a 757, Its combined weight is 10-12 Tons. It is made of Steel And Titnium. Its melting Point is around 2600F. The Fire didnt get anywhre near that tempurature at the Pentagon. Yet No Engines Were Found. 24. You think fire can cause this?: http://www.proliberty.com/observer/20060820.htm http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2006/04/13/more_bone_fragments_found_near_wtc_site/?rss_id=Boston.com+%2F+News 25. Do you think People in a Cave can get NORAD to Stand down? NORAD Has drills where planes were hijacked and were on course to crash into the World Trade Center and Pentagon. Coincidence? I think not. That is what Cuased NORAD to stand down, Thinking it was just a Drill http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2004-04-18-norad_x.htm 26. Jimmy Walter Is offering $100,000 To Anybody Who can Prove 9/11 Was NOT An Inside Job. Even PM Couldnt Stand Up. http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=41957 Update: He raised it to $1 Million http://www.reopen911.org 27. Those buildings were blown to Dust. No computers, No desks, No Anything, Dust, A naturally collpasing Building Can Not do That. 28. The FBI Has No Hard Evidence Connecting Osama Bin Laden to the 9/11 Attacks. http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/terrorists/terbinladen.htm 29.People in the Scientific Community Risk there Lives, Jobs, and reputation trying to tell people the inside were an Inside Job: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=403757&in_page_id=1770 30. The BBC Reported WTC-7 feel 26 minutes before it Actually Did, You can see it standing in the background, while they reported it Collpased: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7SwOT29gbc For more evidence watch these films: Recommended for Beginners: 1. http://www.loosechange911.com http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7866929448192753501&q=loose+change&hl=en 2. 9/11 Mysteries http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6...eries&hl=en (90min) 3. Are the Criminals Frightened?: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1069360941118691605&q=are+the+criminals+frightened 4. C-SPAN conference: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5004704309041471296&q=AMERICAN+C+SPAN Recommended for intermediate: 1. TerrorStorm: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=786048453686176230&hl=en 2. Martial Law: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6...OF+POLICE+STATE (Excellent Film, 2hr) 3. 9/11 the Road to Tyranny: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6517776133137328105&q=9%2F11+the+Road+to+Tyranny&hl=en 4. Masters of Terror: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7752483415674202196&q=MASTERS+OF+TERROR 4. 9/11 The Greatest Lie ever sold: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6952102263921897950&q=9%2F11+THE+GREATEST+LIE+EVER+SOLD&hl=en Now I am going to give you why they did it, then i will share some links. 1. Patriot act 2. Patriot act 2 3. Eliminate the Consitution & Bill of Rights 4. Bring forth the NWO and North American Union 5. Bankrupt the USA to bring forth a NWO 6. Scare americans to give up there right in exchange for "security" when you will just get tyranny and a police state. 7. Justify an Iraq and Afganistan Invasion. 8. Bring forth a Real ID Act, which was passed on 5-11-05, and then the "mark of the beast" 9. To Pretty Much Allow Bush to do anything He wants. Look at this: http://mathaba.net/0_index.shtml?x=504353 10. To allow the Military CommissionsAct of 2006 to Pass, Which Took out 7 Sections of the Bill of Rights. Bringing America Down, Helps Bring in World Government. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15220450/ 11. If you Notice Alex Jones speaking at the CSPAN Conference. (Video #5)He says its about World War 3 as well. I dont know to much about this, But If you look at a map. Afganistan is on the Right, Iraq is on the Left, and IRAN Is in the Middle. Once the USA Invades IRAN The US Could control All of the Middle East, and be on the Doorstep with China, for World War 3. According to the Bible 2 Billion+ Will Die (1/3 Population) I have a timeframe of around 2018 (2016-2020) In My Blog Entitled "I know When the End of The Age Begins" Which also connects 9/11 In the End times. Now if you want links goto http://www.911blogger.com/ and check that out and there are 50 links on the right hand side. Also check out http://prisonplanet.com http://www.jonesreport.com http://www.infowars.com This is a pretty cool 1 minute Video, 911 Truther Gets Angry At the NY TIMES: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCSJ9S-Dhh4&mode=related&search= Last But not Least: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20Government/911%20Cover-up/truth_about_911.htm http://www.prisonplanet.com/911.html Lots Of Skeptics give emailing me junk about PM and Debunking this, with Lies. So here debunks them: 1. Debunking911.com Debunked! http://www.infowars.com/articles/sept11/debunking_911_website_debunks_itself.htm 2. Popular Mechanics Debunked! http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/September2006/270906Debunked.htm 3. http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=911_morons This idiot, has no argument at all. All he says Is because Dylan Avery, The maker of Loose Change is still alive, Its Because LooseChange is not true. Okay, If anything Happened to any famous 9/11 Truthers, Every skeptic would become a believer and 70+% of Americans Would believe its an inside Job In less then a week. Lots of people arent interested in historians information until they are dead. This guy should be ashsmed of himself for making such a page, Its sad people actually believe this crap. This guy thinks he knows it all. He has no arguement at all. He is conceded and full of it. 4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcrF346sS_I These American Hating Nazi's Also have no arguement at all , All they do is Insult Truthers. They say Fire caused the collpase, Like they are some kind of Scientist. Scientists been saying explosives brung down the towers. Skeptics Covered it up. Hitler Once Said, The Bigger the Lie, The easier it is Believed. War on terror is a scam!! "In January of 2003 FBI and CIA whistleblowers told Capitol Hill Blue that the White House was scripting phony terror alerts to maintain hysteria, upkeep President Bushs approval ratings and milk extra defense funding. The report that five Pakistani men had entered the States via Canada and were planning on carrying out a dirty bomb or biological attack was completely conjured up by the Bush administrations black propaganda office. New York Harbor was shut down to visibly pump up the fear. One of the named suspects, Mohammed Asghar (pictured left), was tracked down to Pakistan by the Associated Press. He was a fat guy running a jewellers shop and had never even been to America. http://infowars.com/articles/sept11/red_alert_for_staged_terror_attack.htm Thank You for reading, We must fight this and expose this and resist The New World Order, and Resist the cashless society.

23. Between Both Engines on Flight 77 Or a 757, Its combined weight is 10-12 Tons. It is made of Steel And Titnium. Its melting Point is around 2600F. The Fire didnt get anywhre near that tempurature at the Pentagon. Yet No Engines Were Found. 24. You think fire can cause this?: http://www.proliberty.com/observer/20060820.htm http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2006/04/13/more_bone_fragments_found_near_wtc_site/?rss_id=Boston.com+%2F+News 25. Do you think People in a Cave can get NORAD to Stand down? NORAD Has drills where planes were hijacked and were on course to crash into the World Trade Center and Pentagon. Coincidence? I think not. That is what Cuased NORAD to stand down, Thinking it was just a Drill http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2004-04-18-norad_x.htm 26. Jimmy Walter Is offering $100,000 To Anybody Who can Prove 9/11 Was NOT An Inside Job. Even PM Couldnt Stand Up. http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=41957 Update: He raised it to $1 Million http://www.reopen911.org 27. Those buildings were blown to Dust. No computers, No desks, No Anything, Dust, A naturally collpasing Building Can Not do That. 28. The FBI Has No Hard Evidence Connecting Osama Bin Laden to the 9/11 Attacks. http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/terrorists/terbinladen.htm 29.People in the Scientific Community Risk there Lives, Jobs, and reputation trying to tell people the inside were an Inside Job: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=403757&in_page_id=1770 30. The BBC Reported WTC-7 feel 26 minutes before it Actually Did, You can see it standing in the background, while they reported it Collpased: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7SwOT29gbc For more evidence watch these films: Recommended for Beginners: 1. http://www.loosechange911.com http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7866929448192753501&q=loose+change&hl=en 2. 9/11 Mysteries http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6...eries&hl=en (90min) 3. Are the Criminals Frightened?: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1069360941118691605&q=are+the+criminals+frightened 4. C-SPAN conference: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5004704309041471296&q=AMERICAN+C+SPAN Recommended for intermediate: 1. TerrorStorm: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=786048453686176230&hl=en 2. Martial Law: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6...OF+POLICE+STATE (Excellent Film, 2hr) 3. 9/11 the Road to Tyranny: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6517776133137328105&q=9%2F11+the+Road+to+Tyranny&hl=en 4. Masters of Terror: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7752483415674202196&q=MASTERS+OF+TERROR 4. 9/11 The Greatest Lie ever sold: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6952102263921897950&q=9%2F11+THE+GREATEST+LIE+EVER+SOLD&hl=en Now I am going to give you why they did it, then i will share some links. 1. Patriot act 2. Patriot act 2 3. Eliminate the Consitution & Bill of Rights 4. Bring forth the NWO and North American Union 5. Bankrupt the USA to bring forth a NWO 6. Scare americans to give up there right in exchange for "security" when you will just get tyranny and a police state. 7. Justify an Iraq and Afganistan Invasion. 8. Bring forth a Real ID Act, which was passed on 5-11-05, and then the "mark of the beast" 9. To Pretty Much Allow Bush to do anything He wants. Look at this: http://mathaba.net/0_index.shtml?x=504353 10. To allow the Military CommissionsAct of 2006 to Pass, Which Took out 7 Sections of the Bill of Rights. Bringing America Down, Helps Bring in World Government. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15220450/ 11. If you Notice Alex Jones speaking at the CSPAN Conference. (Video #5)He says its about World War 3 as well. I dont know to much about this, But If you look at a map. Afganistan is on the Right, Iraq is on the Left, and IRAN Is in the Middle. Once the USA Invades IRAN The US Could control All of the Middle East, and be on the Doorstep with China, for World War 3. According to the Bible 2 Billion+ Will Die (1/3 Population) I have a timeframe of around 2018 (2016-2020) In My Blog Entitled "I know When the End of The Age Begins" Which also connects 9/11 In the End times. Now if you want links goto http://www.911blogger.com/ and check that out and there are 50 links on the right hand side. Also check out http://prisonplanet.com http://www.jonesreport.com http://www.infowars.com This is a pretty cool 1 minute Video, 911 Truther Gets Angry At the NY TIMES: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCSJ9S-Dhh4&mode=related&search= Last But not Least: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20Government/911%20Cover-up/truth_about_911.htm http://www.prisonplanet.com/911.html Lots Of Skeptics give emailing me junk about PM and Debunking this, with Lies. So here debunks them: 1. Debunking911.com Debunked! http://www.infowars.com/articles/sept11/debunking_911_website_debunks_itself.htm 2. Popular Mechanics Debunked! http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/September2006/270906Debunked.htm 3. http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=911_morons This idiot, has no argument at all. All he says Is because Dylan Avery, The maker of Loose Change is still alive, Its Because LooseChange is not true. Okay, If anything Happened to any famous 9/11 Truthers, Every skeptic would become a believer and 70+% of Americans Would believe its an inside Job In less then a week. Lots of people arent interested in historians information until they are dead. This guy should be ashsmed of himself for making such a page, Its sad people actually believe this crap. This guy thinks he knows it all. He has no arguement at all. He is conceded and full of it. 4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcrF346sS_I These American Hating Nazi's Also have no arguement at all , All they do is Insult Truthers. They say Fire caused the collpase, Like they are some kind of Scientist. Scientists been saying explosives brung down the towers. Skeptics Covered it up. Hitler Once Said, The Bigger the Lie, The easier it is Believed. War on terror is a scam!! "In January of 2003 FBI and CIA whistleblowers told Capitol Hill Blue that the White House was scripting phony terror alerts to maintain hysteria, upkeep President Bushs approval ratings and milk extra defense funding. The report that five Pakistani men had entered the States via Canada and were planning on carrying out a dirty bomb or biological attack was completely conjured up by the Bush administrations black propaganda office. New York Harbor was shut down to visibly pump up the fear. One of the named suspects, Mohammed Asghar (pictured left), was tracked down to Pakistan by the Associated Press. He was a fat guy running a jewellers shop and had never even been to America. http://infowars.com/articles/sept11/red_alert_for_staged_terror_attack.htm Thank You for reading, We must fight this and expose this and resist The New World Order, and Resist the cashless society.