Happy Thanksgiving.
Today I want to continue my discussion about
killing an affair before it starts. Then, the
second part of my email will revolve around the
healthy way to tell your spouse about encounters
with someone of the opposite sex.
Knowing how to do this will not only protect
your marriage from danger, but also help build
up your marriage and rebuild trust. These are
two very good things.
Okay, on to today's subject.
Nobody wants to experience the pain and betrayal
an affair causes. No one wants to face that
horrific moment where your sense of safety and
peace is shattered because you learn the awful
truth that your spouse cheated on you.
If you are the cheater, you probably didn't go
into your marriage planning to compromise your
own integrity and devastate the person you loved
most in the world.
And if you are the injured, you surely didn't go
into marriage expecting to be betrayed by the
person you loved most in the world.
In short, no one expects or wants to go through
the trauma that an affair causes-neither the
cheater nor the injured person want it.
Yet affairs happen virtually every day. Why?
One of the reasons is that individuals and
couples don't put precautions in place to
protect their marriages from situations that
could potentially lead to an affair.
Putting precautions in place when your
relationship is new, exciting and wonderful is a
turn-off for many individuals who think of this
as a message of mistrust-after all, they think,
"Our love is so strong that our relationship is
going to be like this forever."
It is inevitable that problems or stressful
times will arise in your relationship. At one of
those times someone from your life could appear
as a savior, a listening ear, or a shoulder to
cry on. Most people don't believe it can happen
until so many little lines have been crossed
that now in retrospect a huge violation has
occurred.
If you're serious about protecting your
relationship, and making it better than it has
ever been, you need to protect it from affairs
even though you think it could never happen to
you.
That's why I am providing this series of
articles to suggest skills you need to help you
protect your relationship from an affair.
These skills do not offer you 100% assurance.
After all, there are no guarantees in life when
it comes to other people's actions.
However, the skills you are learning in this
series have the potential to protect your
marriage.
In the last email I focused on the risk involved
in almost any continuing and frequent
relationship with someone of the opposite sex.
In this article, the focus will be on your own
internal responses-how to monitor them and how
to talk about them. This is the next step to
protecting your marriage.
If you have been through an affair (and
especially if you cheated on your spouse), the
information you are about to read is absolutely
critical. It will point out some of the skills
you need to protect your marriage from future
affairs.
Monitoring Your Internal Responses
Years ago, I was in a business meeting sitting
across from a very attractive woman. I mean she
was drop-dead gorgeous. This meeting brought
together a group of professionals around a
common concern.
Once in a while, I glanced her way and each time
she was staring at me.
As soon as the meeting ended, she walked
directly over to me and invited me to lunch.
I was flabbergasted. Part of me really wanted to
go to lunch with her. But it wasn't because I
wanted to have an affair with her and ruin my
marriage. I just wanted to admire her beauty and
talk with her.
I turned down her invitation.
I assume her staring and her invitation were
probably based on some of my comments to the
group rather than sexually motivated.
I know for my part that my motivation to accept
her invitation was not about sex, but to have an
extended opportunity to experience her beauty.
Even though I could justify this as innocent, I
decided that going to lunch with this woman was
out of the question.
Why?
Well, part of it goes back to what I discussed
in my last email. I feel that interactions with
people of the opposite sex should be carefully
thought through and limited.
But this was a professional encounter. She was a
colleague, and we both were working on different
parts of the same project. I could even give
myself the argument that it would only be this
one time since we came from different geographic
areas to attend this meeting.
That being the case, why would I turn down such
an invitation?
The reason is relatively simple: my internal
monitor told me going to lunch with this woman
would be a mistake.
I was then, and continue to be, actively
married-my internal warnings were going off.
Also, as a couples' counselor I had seen too
many "safe" or "innocent" situations lead to
self-deception one very small step at a time
until there was a full-blown affair.
I was very attracted to this woman, and that was
a danger to my marriage-even though I knew I did
not want to start anything sexual, and even
though I knew we each could probably benefit if
we shared information about the overall project.
Any time you encounter a situation where you are
attracted to someone, red flags should go up in
your mind. You might also feel the danger signal
as an excitement in your body.
At these times, you will want to be very careful
about how you interact with the person you are
attracted to, regardless of the context.
In short, you need to be attentive to your
internal monitor that tells you when a situation
is risky for your marriage.
This attentiveness requires you to be completely
honest with yourself and tune into what your
true feelings are telling you.
In the situation above, I could have told
myself, "This is just business. It's nothing
personal. I'm not going to make a move on her
anyway." Or I might have thought, "Hey, what
could happen over a single lunch? Everything
will be perfectly alright. Besides, my wife
will never know anyway."
But in the end, each of these seemingly
"rational justifications" would have been
nothing more than an excuse.
I knew I was attracted to this woman. And I knew
that was a potential risk to my marriage.
Perhaps it was not a current risk, but maybe a
potential peril waiting to happen -next month,
next year, or even five or more years away.
Why expose myself to the possibility that
something might happen? After all, I am human,
and humans make "mistakes."
To this day, I don't think I would have made the
"mistake" of crossing the boundaries of proper
behavior; however, I also know I made the right
choice to have no further contact with that
woman.
I have seen too many people who feel confident
they won't cheat, yet find themselves in
situations where their defenses are weakened and
they make an awful mistake in judgment they
regret for the rest of their lives.
I never want to make that mistake. I care about
my wife and my marriage too much. So I turned
down the chance to go to lunch with a beautiful
woman. I listened to my internal monitor. And
I'm happy I did.
Yes, I had to turn down some fun in the moment.
Yes, I had to sacrifice the opportunity to
admire this woman's beauty some more. This was a
difficult choice for me. Don't think I am some
god-like person who easily turned down this
opportunity. I believed her invitation was
probably innocent, and I think I hurt her
feelings when I turned her down-which is
something I generally don't like to do.
But those small sacrifices were worth it for the
larger picture. The stakes were too high for me.
It was a gamble I wasn't willing to take. I
wanted to protect my marriage.
If you're serious about protecting your
marriage, I recommend you tune into your
internal monitor similarly.
Listen to that voice inside you that says, "Hey,
this is a little risky. You're attracted to this
person, and that means your marriage may be in
trouble if you act on this impulse."
What kind of scenarios might you find yourself
in where your internal monitor starts sending
you messages? The possibilities are endless, but
here are a few samples:
>> Going to lunch with a beautiful colleague
>> Just having fun
>> Flirting with someone attractive
>> Secluding yourself and talking with someone you
are attracted to
>> Engaging in conversations where you and someone
you are attracted to discuss your marital troubles
>> Making eyes at someone you find attractive
>> Physically touching someone you are attracted to
under almost any situation
>> Joining a gym where you know someone you are
already attracted to
>> Being "buddies" with someone of the opposite sex
even if you are not attracted to each other
>> Using someone of the opposite sex to process
emotionally-laden experiences-particularly if
these experiences involve your spouse
Obviously this list could go on indefinitely.
The idea is that you don't want to expose your
relationship to potential jeopardy by acting on
sexually- or emotionally- motivated impulses.
And you particularly don't want to encourage
problems by interacting with or pursuing someone
you find attractive.
Instead, if you are valuing your marriage the
way you promised to, you will want to keep your
distance from situations like these and turn
down invitations when they come up.
You will want to listen to your internal monitor
honestly and react appropriately. You will want
to protect your marriage by staying away from
scenarios that are alluring, or that provide you
with that internal excitement.
And there's one more thing you will want to do
if you are going to make this as effective as
possible.
You will want to tell your spouse exactly what
happened as soon as possible after one of these
situations occurs.
You might want to ask me, "Are you for real? You
want me to tell my spouse I'm attracted to
someone else?"
Why would you share this information and
potentially cause an argument when you have been
trying to save your marriage from further
problems?
Perhaps the biggest question of all is: How
could you possibly present this information to
your spouse in a meaningful way?
Let me answer a few of these questions before I
close.
How and Why to Tell Your Spouse about Situations
that Endanger Your Marriage
Communicating with your spouse about situations
where your internal monitor tells you your
marriage is in potential danger can actually be
a much more positive experience than it seems.
For one thing, it is a sign to your spouse that
you are serious about protecting your marriage.
It shows you are being honest and forthcoming
with information, and it demonstrates your
investment in staying away from potentially
vulnerable situations that could lead to an
affair.
While your spouse won't be thrilled to hear
about your attraction to another person, after
he or she gets past the initial dismay your
admission may cause, it is very likely your
spouse will appreciate your honesty.
That has been my experience over and over again-
both in my personal life and in my professional
experience.
I recommend you tell your spouse about every
aspect of the situation, exactly as it occurred.
How you present this information ultimately
depends on your own communication style and what
works for you and your spouse.
You may simply be matter-of-fact about what
happened, you might introduce it with a little
humor (if that's appropriate), or you might sit
down and have a serious discussion regarding
boundaries in your marriage. Note: If you
cheated in your relationship, humor about
meeting someone else is probably going to
backfire.
Above all, you need to be completely honest and
forthcoming with information. This is the key to
the entire process. As long as you are honest,
you create an opportunity for you and your
spouse to discuss any thoughts or feelings that
may need to be addressed regarding the
circumstance.
In this way you turn what could have been a
devastating situation into something that can
help deepen your connection with your partner.
I know that may seem like a stretch to some of
you at this point. But in most cases, there is a
long-term benefit to this awareness and
openness.
Be honest with your spouse about situations
where you were attracted to someone; tune in to
your internal monitor; then use the opportunity
to recommit to your marriage by moving away from
the temptation. These steps will draw the two of
you together.
That's what happened for me and my wife. You
see, the day that woman asked me out to lunch, I
went home and told my wife exactly what
happened.
I explained to her that a very attractive woman
asked me out to lunch, and I declined because I
didn't want to put our relationship in harm's
way.
My wife was not delighted at the idea that this
woman invited me out to lunch. I can't blame her
for that. I can't say I would be thrilled if a
hunk of a man invited her to lunch.
However, she did appreciate my honesty
afterwards. And she definitely appreciated the
fact that I valued our relationship enough to
not pursue a situation that was probably low-
risk anyway.
The incident I mentioned happened many years
ago. It was one of the occasions that deepened
our connection. It enhanced our trust level and
our openness.
The same thing can happen for you if you use
your internal monitor to spot situations that
could endanger your marriage, and then
communicate these instances to your spouse.
Use situations like this as an opportunity to
discuss issues regarding boundaries in your
marriage. Reaffirm that your marriage is your
first priority. Act in a way that makes it clear
the sentiments you have talked about are
important to you.
Your goal should always be to make your marriage
a little better today than it was yesterday.
In the final part of this series I will explain
some behaviors you can watch for in your partner
that may be indications your marriage is in
danger. I will also give you some tips about how
you can discuss these behaviors with your
partner, so you can take yet another step toward
protecting your marriage from an affair.
Let me know how it goes with you. I'd love to
hear about your marriage. Post a comment to this
blog by clicking the comment link on this page:
== > http://savingyourrelationship.com/blog/stopping-an-affair-before-it-starts-part-2
Today's discussion was a small part of my
program How to Survive An Affair. If you have
not yet purchased my system, I strongly
encourage you to. Please use this link and read
the whole story.
==> http://www.howtosurvivetheaffair.com/?i=604
As always, I wish you all the best on your road
to a wonderful marriage.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Save My Marriage - Made Remarkably Simple
1121C Military Cutoff Road, #359
Wilmington, NC
28405
US
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