Chrissy in CT's blog: "The toughest woman i know..."

The past 9 mos have been difficult. I am not in here much because after 4 procedures & 3 more yet to go,  My choices of procedures (both of which are life altering) are 

1. Fistulotomy - which is the only way to get rid of these things permanently, but come with fecal incontinence for the rest of my life or 

2. A permanent colostomy and fistulotomy, removal of rectum and to sew it shut for lack of a better way of describing it. 

I am 52 will be 53. I already know what my choice is because I am not spending the rest of my life shitting my pants. I got things i want to do and hopefully at some point a social life. So starting my 2015 adventures in rectal surgery yet again and hopefully this will be the last year I spend in continuous surgical procedures for the whole entire year and my health will level itself.

 
People ask me how do you do it, deal with all this stuff? Medication helps lol, a sense of humor is paramount. There are so many in worse shape than I am. But yes Lupus, Fibro, Neurological issues all impede healing and I could be a case study for someone in their medical classes. I think the day I lose my sense of humor will be the day I give up and cant do it anymore. This particular illness has been very taxing on me emotionally. It is not only extremely painful, it is embarrassing and isolating in that how do you tell a date you have 3 rubber drains in your butt??and on what date??LOL. Just know if i dont answer you its because I don't know what to say or do. Most of you bozos want sex and I'm not in any way capable of that for a good while. So just know there is nothing wrong with you, its me. I am broken in more ways than one., but still holding on with the help of some Gorilla glue

This is gonna be a vent and I apologize from the beginning. Way back in 1999 when i was first diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue i thought that this was pain. My hands hurt, the Raynauds was off the chain and almost dying of a blood clot not only scared me but it hurt too. I got better and from that day forward pushed and strove and worked cuz i had to. I had a child to support. When they diagnosed me with fibro in 2010 it was because everything hurt. I had trigeminal nerve issues and neuropathy in my feet and all my fibro trigger points hurt. I thought if this is as bad as it gets im fine with the Neurontin.

Now these fistulas...lord help me but I cannot take this anymore. Never in my life have i been a pain pill person. When it was prescribed for back pain or tooth things id take one and flush the rest or keep them for random headaches etc. But never once was it a daily thing. I havent cleaned my house in 2 mos, I havent done laundry god knows when. I wash my stuff out as i can. It is hard for me to stand to do anything w/o drugging myself to do it. Walking the dog requires pain pill. Cooking dinner requires pain pill. I honestly do not know what the future holds for me with this stuff. Tuesday is Dr. day if the weather cooperates and I am having my friend go with me to cover all bases. I want to know once and for all is this gonna be like this in an ongoing basis, because if it is I am not gonna be able to stand it. I just want them to remove my rectum, sew me shut and give me a colostomy. I cry daily in pain, because i try so hard not to take them. Anyone who knows me knows I have been through so much in my life. I have handled it all with grace and humor. I am just so worn down and tired. This whole thing has been an ongoing issue since last may. It will be a year soon and im still not right. After i have a bm i feel as though my ass is gonna explode and no one seems to listen or care. And there is no one else to see nearby or would be willing to take over this mess mid stream. I'm sorry for not having anything wonderful to say about my life. I wish i did.

http://www.gofundme.com/4kaxaw  Please help me

A little over 13 years ago I lay in a hospital bed wondering if I was gonna die from whatever was going on in my body and the ensuing blood clot that came with it. I have been through a lot since then, some know, some don't know about the trials and tribulations that I have endured both physically and in life in general.

I have pushed through the past 10 or so years kind of like a snow plow in the blizzard of 2013, just pushing and pushing and pushing because there was only me to provide for my son, only me to pay bills, only me who carried the responsibilites that come with being alone with a child . You power through the pain and lay in bed at night wondering when sleep will come because every part of you is on fire but you do it again and again because there is no one else.

Around 2008-2009 it became much harder. I cannot even tell you when the tide shifted, but I do know it was during the time I worked as a property manager. Steps became way harder, the pain was just unbelievable and the swelling of joints and extremities was beyond belief. Yet still, I powered through it, quit that job and went back to school for almost 2 years. Dragging 50 lbs of books behind me and up stairs and just kept trying to make life easier for myself and finding that it was only harder.

All this time living on unemployment and student loans. Trying so hard to get healthcare and fix the problems of the past 10 years, finding no one would help me...on Medicaid. In 2010, I tried to work, the first job I got after graduating and found I could not do it. I was both physically incapable of walking and mentally unable to keep things in my head that I had once prided myself in being able to do. I had failed and was dismissed after the first 4 weeks. Being a perfectionist, this just broke me completely spirit wise. Where was the person, I used to be?

I applied for disability the next month. I struggled through the next 14 mos., living on a meager unemployment of $50 a week (I had screwed myself by working that 4 weeks and they reduced my benefits). Yes $50 a week. I live in HUD housing with the not so pleasant part of society, I had to get help with food and help from friends for the non-food items that you need. Life was extremely stressful and finally end of 2011 my disability went through.

Are things better? Financially yes, security wise yes. But the person that I used to be is lost. She can't do most of the things she used to do and can't remember even the simplest things sometimes. She is in pain all the time and some days wonders to herself...when will it all end? I am tired of hurting, tired of not being able to do things, tired of my head thinking “I want to go there” and realizing I can't do it or I am to tired to do it or whatever the issue is for that day.

The ferocity of my will to figure out a way to make things better is still there, but my body has abandoned my will. What replaces it is frustration and tears and cynicism.

Maybe when Spring gets here I will feel renewed. All I have left is hope, my son and my friends.

I am posting this blog that really has nothing to do with fubar but its something I think we all have strong opinions about and thats the exploitation fo children.  Twice this week i have seen postings on Facebook, probably the biggest social networking giant of the day, that involved children in various sex acts.  One was a picture of a grown man with his penis invading the privates of a less than six month old child.  Today it was a video of a child of about 6 giving a grown man head and then taking it from the rear.  Both posts were reported, both came back in the dashboard as "this does not violate our standard of porn or nudity".  Really? Both violations of my senses and my morals were left up there for 8 hours or more till someone got their head out of their ass and deleted them.

It infuriates me that no one is watching the "store, or those that are have little or no idea of what they are looking at (which is unbelievable) or they haven't looked at it all and just pass it on through.  What it did do was make me appreciate this place, the bouncers, Scrapper and the rest of the "Yellows".  Something like that would never fly here.  Yes maybe Fubar is not as huge as Facebook, but...I guarantee you if Facebook had a support lounge and asked for volunteers to police the site it would be a much better place.  I can't tell you the number of times I have gone to the support lounge with site problems etc. and the number of time i have gone to Scrapper with scammers, people trying to sell stuff and posting other sites for us to join.  His response is immediate and I know that something has been done.

Below you will find a link to a petition I have started.  It has to do with these issues and if you feel as strongly as I do please sign it for me.

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/help-us-make-facebook-and-other-websites-responsible-child-pornography-and-child-pornography/97RN1r1T

Again thank you Bouncers, Scrapper and the Gang and BAby Jesus for making this a good and safe place to be and for being so diligent about it.  I will be here 7 years this year and I will continue to be here.  Love you all!

The nurse watched as she struggled to write. This process had been going on for hours, letter after letter had been written and sealed and stamped. She now had a collection of about 20 or so. She had struggled with this one much more than the others. Tears flowing and sobs of anguish. The nurse had asked her if she wanted her to write it for her as she dictated it to her and she emphatically said “No, it has to be from me in my writing”. The pain and effort with each sentence was clear to the nurse as she watched her patient saying goodbye to all those the people in her life that were not here. The nurse had asked should she call anyone and again an emphatic “No”. She said “I write much better than I would speak right now and there is a lot I want to say”.

“This is the last one” she said “but the most important of all”. “Please keep it till the time comes and call the number on the top of the page”. “I want you to read it to him”. The nurse replied that she would definitely do that and as she handed it to her the nurse saw a single tear slip from her eyes as she gazed longingly out the window. Then she fluffed her pillows and asked did she need anything and she replied “only one thing dear but you cannot get it for me”.

The nurse walked down the hall and as it was her lunch time, she headed to the break room and sat down and began to read the letter.

“I don't know how to begin to tell you all the things in my heart. I have waited so long to do so but it appears my time has run out. I wanted to look into your eyes and see what I needed to see and have your soul speak to mine. But alas, for whatever reason, you never got here. I kind of knew that you wouldn't but I never let myself give up hope. Till now. I wouldn't call you because, well, thats just not my style.”

“I waited for you my whole life. Asked God so many times for someone to fill my heart with gladness. To make me laugh and feel alive. To give me warmth and kindness and honesty. You did that and so much more. You showed me that I could love again with a ferocity and fire and passion that I have never known. It was a gift, one that I could never make you understand. The way you lifted up my heart and spirt each day, was something that no other has ever done. I do not want you to be sad or to feel badly about not being here and I do apologize for keeping this one thing from you but I did not want you to come here out of pity or some feeling of duty or honor. So please forgive this one transgression and know that no one has ever loved you more than I do. I will be with you always as you stand, as you sleep, as you cry, as you live. And when that time comes that your life is done, I will be waiting for you still and will be there to greet you and love as I do right now. No regrets. Never once doubt that you are a wonderful, kind, loving man. Never doubt that what you are doing is right. Never doubt that you are loved. Never loose hope. I am always there with a love that is neverending. I guess I should go now. I love you more than you will ever know.”

The nurse put the paper on her lap and sobbed into her hands. She had never read anything like this before but knew what she had to do. She picked up her cell phone and dialed. It was not too late. The man picked up the phone and said “Hello”. She said “I need to speak to you and can you come right away?”.

Being on the threshold of my 48th birthday this Sunday, and since I repeated get asked "so tell me about you", I figured I would collect whatever brain cells i still have and try to paint a picture of who "Chrissy" is.

Those of you that know me (and there are a few that know me very well) can give their own opinions but these are my own reflections of myself and life at present and in recent past.

Since 2005 I have moved 7 times, had 4 jobs, 2 surgeries, 2 cars, 1 son (19), 1 cat and 0 boyfriends lol.  I have existed on CT unemployment for the past 2 years ($225/wk) and except for the help from my dear friend (she knows who she is) have essentially managed on my own.  I spent the last 14 mos in school for medical billing and coding graduating with a 3.84 gpa, dean's list and president's list. Yay for the old broad!

I have struggled and problem solved and managed to survive this insanity of economic turmoil only because my mother taught me how to do without.  I dont go out...go to bars...clubs..movies...dinner because I cant. (This to the dudes who continually want me to drive to see them...GET A LIFE IM POH!) You see me here alot because this is my entertainment.  My friends are here, my family and the endless stream of nutcakes who make me laugh and keep me from going insane out of boredom.

I am not a small woman.  Never ever have pretended to be otherwise.  More rolls than pillsbury, gray hair, wrinkles and on most days cankles.  I also have a brain, a huge heart, a raucous sense of humor...and a "clue".

I am asked why I am alone?  I am because after a bad relationship...I decided to take a break and re-evaluate me.  That was 5 years ago.  Me is ok...its the rest of you I sometimes wonder about.

WHAT I AM NOT...

an alcoholic
a drug addict
a whore
a doormat
a w/e booty call
lazy
slovenly
crazy (lol...not medicated)
a stalker
a diva
weak
submissive
insecure

WHAT I AM...

a smartass
a comedic genius (or so I'm told)
assertive
commanding (of respect at the very least)
no one's #2,3 or 4 in line for anyone's affections
tired of being good enough to fuck but not to take out anywhere!!!!
a giver
emotional
intelligent
super sleuth
internet diva ("The Texas Tornado" although me...is truly a personna)
NSFW
Photographer
Photo editor
Model

I am sure I could think of several more under each category but the best way to find out anything is to go to the source.  Ask and I will more often than not answer it.  I'm an open book and can proudly state "The most honest person I know".

I want to thank the people that in the past two years (and they know who they are) who have helped me keep my sanity, who have literally listened to me cry, chase the demons from my head, picked me up when I've fallen, and shoved me back from the brink when I've wanted to jump.  Three things keep me going ever forward...

My son....laughter...and hope.

Love ya's and Happy Mother's Day to the mom's and single dads!

Chrissy

Isn't it amazing how life is one continuous chain of new beginnings and endings.   I began 2009 unemployed (laid off Oct 17 2008) frightened of what lie ahead and more than a lil depressed over where I had found myself in this new year.

The amazing turn of events that have led me now in June to being a full time student at the age of 47 were something that Ifelt the need to share to drive home a point to all of those that are still where I was in January.

Back in September I took a low paying nothing job at Foxwoods.  Not much more than my unemployment but it fulfilled my need to be around people and feel productive.  Only six weeks in I was laid off.  Struggling to survive yet again.  Without friends help, I might add, I would not have.

By March, going stir crazy and more than a lil fearful of what lie ahead I decided to change direction and inquire on information to go back to school in an area that I was familiar with....medicine.  For 20 odd years I had worked in various hospitals as a unitcoordinator/monitor tech so the natural course was to diversify and learn medical coding.

While talking to the financial aid officer I mentioned foxwoods.  To my surprise the feds had allotted CT funds for displaced foxwoods workers.  My education through grants and this program is essentially paid for.  My unemployment guaranteed also.

Trust me there is a point to all this....I'm getting to it K promise lol!

In the past 12 months I've quit a job under duress, become states witness in the prosecution in a case, got evicted, moved, started a job to get laid off, sat and home and stewed through all the holidays only to finally get off my ass and do something for myself.  But did I really?

It is my belief that whatever powers guide our lives put things in our paths to find.  This is a gift.  To think I worked there for 6 WEEKS and am afforded an education that monetarily is more than I would have made their in a whole year!!!! is quite a miracle.

This stage of my life is mine.  My son is 19 time to push out the nest and do the things that suit my life and move on to more new beginnings.

DO NOT EVER ...GIVE UP!  Have courage, stay strong willed and honest.  Do the right thing even when it isnt the most comfortable thing to do. Love your family and friends with every cell of your being and never forget where you have been.  Welcome each day with a strong resolve that things will get better for you.  Get out of bed and off your asses and try.  You may not succeed the first time....but if you never try you will never know if you could.

Although 95% of you come to perv my photos and use me as your masturbation tool the other 5% and even some of the pervs have been my lifeline in this long year past.  It is never forgotten and I love all of you more than you know.  I am so grateful for that, my friends, family and those that listen to me cry, be fearful, worry over my health and well being.   You are family and I am so blessed.

Have a wonderful summer! (If the sun ever comes out!)

Always,

Chrissy

Its been 19 years...

I miss her smile...

Miss the laughter...

Miss her cooking for an army when company came...

Miss her dancin spontaneously to blue grass music...

Miss her singing and the sound of her voice....

Miss the hugs for no reason at all....

Miss the advice and honesty.....

Miss the unconditional love....

Miss the sarcastic sardonic wit.......

Miss her scent.....

Miss the twinkle in her green eyes...

I miss everything about her and love her even more every day even though she isn't here. 

Sometimes I feel as though I would give 10 years of my life to have her back for one day.

To those of you who have lost your mother my heart is with you this mother's day.  But remember....so is your mom.  She lives in your heart, in your memories and watches over you everyday from her place in heaven.

To those of you who still have yours....don't ever take her for granted...tell her you love her...remember to call...visit...life is so short and although we like to believe it they are not immortal.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

On this day...

I deserve to be respected...not because of age or point in life but for who I am.

I deserve to be loved....and not used for money, sex or any other thing that is gonna make me feel less than who I am.

I deserve to be lazy....the road has been difficult to get here.

I deserve to eat whatever the hell I want...and not feel guilty that who I am is less than perfect because she is not a size 0.

I deserve to laugh...because if thats the best medicine i should live to be 100.

I deserve to not worry....put down life's issue for 24 hours and say to hell with the cleaning, bills and troubles of day to day life.

I deserve....I am worthy...I am smart...I am funny...I am beautiful INSIDE and out...I am an ORIGINAL!

I am 47 today.

Lets hope that not only on this day can i achieve some of the above but for every day that I have left.

Thanks for the wishes! Love you!

Chrissy