Kyler's blog: "Random Insights And Blogging"

http://archive.kitsapsun.com/lifestyle/celebrations/james-hutchins-36-ep-423207343-359066441.html

Ill see you soon enough... xo

so went on my errands, and it took me three trips due to forgetting what I was doing.  That was annoying.  Then when I get to the dispensary... I forgot what I was there for, forgot my phone number and it sounded like everything they said was in a foreign language.  It was terrifying.  I am grateful that my budtender knows me so well, and gave me the hook up.  Ran next door... to my best friends shop and ran into his arms bursting into tears.  Is this really the way I am going to go? With no memories?

The only good part of yesterday ... is that the bad days give the good ones perspective.  So here is rooting for a great day!

So yesterday was shit so stayed off radar.  Couldnt be my typically happy self.  I HAD an apt at 8am...that would help or at least shed light on future treatment and my end game.  BUT ... gotto love those docs who reschedule after a week.  So yeah... sitting here an extra five days blows chunks like you wouldnt believe.  

Today is a new day... getting new ink.  

I think its insane Im still getting poked... I mean how long can I really enjoy my art?  But I have been outvoted.  ROFLMAO so get poked I will she says...

so I am drinking my morning java, seperating my laundry and cleaning up the pad.  I hope to remain inspired today... xxoo

well FUCK. you know when you fill out this paperwork.... there are 53 pages.  Who would have thought that 53 pages would sum up the entirety of my life.  I got two more pages to do this morning before I am done for the day.  Its saturday.  Fuck this .... I am going to hit up that show.  Then going to get in my bff's truck and DESTROY all that powder in my back yard.  Tonight is karaoke night, and me and the fab fags are going out in STYLE.  Dressed to the nines, lashes, lips, heels and hair... it is going to be amazing.  Do the shit work in the morning so the rest of the day is left to LIVE.

be well my fu.... 

Life is LITERALLY what you make of it .... dont waste tears on me... we all have an end date.

xo xo ky

but I choose no fear ... I choose to live while I can.  Wont be long.

giblioplastoma

yesterday was stuck on the phone with lawyers after the kiki.  The party was fun... then reality hit.  The only thing I didnt have to contemplate is custody of my daughter... she will be 18.  But will she be okay?  

I slept alright?  like the dead... hahahaha get it?  dead bitch walking... oh dear.

So the mood is good today... snowed in yet again, and coffee is smelling up the joint.  oooh joint... that would be fab right about now, but think Ill stick with the dabbies.... yummy

kick ass today peeps.

Well... Ive been told to journal every day... so here it is, and I guess it does help a bit.  This morning is a good one.  Cold as fuck, but good.  Slept well, so the pressure and agrivation in my brain is minimal, and the smile on my face is blissful.  I love sleep.  I woke up to a frozen world, with the promise of up to seven inches today.  Trapped with the kid in a cast.  Fabulous.

I have an apt over the phone with my lawyer.  Today is more work on the final paperwork.  Assigning a power of attourney, and then an executor.  That will simplify shit a lot later.  No fucking wiggle room for any future fighting... all my shit is getting done.  How am I handling this?  Just business.  No room to cry or worse .. self pity with a time bomb in your brain.

I laugh ... a lot.  This is after all the worlds biggest joke.  I lived life fiercely and with a force about me.  Ive actually experienced so much in my life. And I do miss my husband and sons dearly... Im just in no big rush.  Thats all.

But the jokes.  OMG and I am my worse taunter.  I guess that is my coping ... laugh or cry.  How do you want to go out?  Eh, I have made my choice.

Suicide is the act of leaving this world through pain ... to end pain ....all about pain. And this is NOT it.  I have a brain tumor, it can either 1. burst and blow ... or 2. smother my brain into death.  Best case scenario I have a few years.

Acceptance is knowing that there isn't shit I can do about my end... and making the best out of it.

Really what is the differance between me and you?  After all, we are all born with a death sentance, it's just that I have a shorter timeline.  Literally THREE people know on the "real end of my life."  This forum is the only time I have been open.  Why?  hahahahahaha  you tell someone your dying and YOU see how people change around you .... 

FUCK that.  lets live... lets have fun, and lets make some awesome memories.  fuck all that crying shit.  that is NOT how I am going out.  Bitches, Im going out with sparklers, glitter and a sashe away!

been doing a lot of thinking .... who to tell, who to tell what .. .tell anyone?

I think I prefer to just fade out ... less pain that way.  So been living life, having fun, but doing it alone.  Im not in a rush to go... but my husband and sons wait for me.  So I have no fear...and am waiting patiently for my time.

My blog is the only "public chatter" and even that ... its a blog, hidden in the masses of the un interesting ... so no doubt this wont be seen nor adressed.. .and for that I am greatful.  My sadness ... my gaping wound of pain, is leaving behind Rhiannon.

I was denied radiation, surgery, so time is precious.  I am sad but welcoming, with not a soul to talk to.  The last thing I want is sympathy or pity... hence the point of keeping this mute.  There is NO living while everyone is saying sorry.

ky

It has been a year since the initial diagnosis, and a month or so since the update.  I have been making peace, tying up my loose ends, and been stuck in a perpetual state of thought.  I'm not depressed... nor am I sad. I dont have a deathwish.  I am in no hurry to go, but I feel no sadness for my departure.  Ill be in good company with my husband, my two sons, and my family.

so was put on a two week vacation after losing my client.  They do that after every third loss or a year with the same client.... mine was three losses.  I dont know where I get the strength that I have... to go every day.  To help out any way I can possibly help... to watch my clients day by day waste into nothing but loss.  There are so many people abandoned after a cancer diagnosis...and it blows my mind.  My clients are terrified, alone...and dying.  I held Deb's hand until her last breath and the angels took her and the only words I can muster are FUCK CANCER.

So I will clear my heart and mind, and then yet again... take another client to fall in love with... to complete the bucket lists... to ease their suffering until THAT day comes.  Blessed be .... ky