Kyler's blog: "Random Insights And Blogging"

What can I possibly say to you other than you have taken everything I find valuable away from me.  My smile, my trust, my ability to see beauty within me. You took away my dressing up, feeling great, and my sleep.  You’ve taken my privacy, my intimacy, and even that wasn’t enough, and you tried to take my life.

I want you to know that you have broken me, turned me into a girl who hides behind a bathrobe, even fully dressed.  I have every light on in the house because shadows scare me. You drugged me, and took away my voice, my ability to say no.  And what I despise myself the most about, is you made me like it. You made me LIKE your violation and your attempt at giving me the HIV virus.  I hate myself for that, and its a shame I will probably never recover from. I can never look in the mirror again the same way. I can NEVER look into my eyes again with the pride of loving the woman I was.

Why me?  What could I have possibly done to harm you so much that you could unleash this evil on me?  What about me deserved to die of aids? What about me deserved to be forced into a position that took my voice, my spirit?

You took my dating life, my future relationships, my chance to find someone to settle down with.  You haunt me. You are a plague on my life, for the rest of my life.

But here is the thing.  I am a human cockroach. Between all the shit in my life, including YOU.  I WILL survive. I may be broken, and bent, but you will never fully claim me.  I am alive right now. You will NEVER have the opportunity to get that close again.  I will live, while you die in a cage.

Ill be honest, I dont know how to answer three quarters of the emails I get.  Some of them are genuine questions, and the others.... well;

I dont know what to say about the compliments.  I know they feel genuine to you... but I hear the same shit on the daily here.  There is not much in the line of originality on FUBAR.

Talking about your body parts and what you/they can do just makes me hit the delete button.  Like seriously?  Not to be a bitch but do you think I CANT find something local if I were interested?  I am one hell of a sexy and confidant woman!  So no, your internet sexuality holds NO INTEREST TO ME.

I like the conversation,  I dont get much sit down time, so a pen pal or million is AWESOME.

But I am a fucking LADY with the mouth of a sailor.  So....if your conversation is about anything of the such, delete.

REAL winners go in the FOLDER OF SHAME hahahaha or whatever I labeled it.

I am not an egotistical ass, as a matter of fact, if you have done ANY reading about me, you would KNOW I have far bigger fish to fry in my pan.  Yeah another pet peeve... the ones who dont take the time to read the bio or blogs... your interested, right?  GET TO KNOW ME before treating me like some hot slut.  Its bloody offensive.  NOW you know why I lock my shit up.

KY

1. Everything in life is temporary so enjoy the moment. And if shit is hard, that too is temporary and you will get through it.
2. If you cant admit your own truths... positive AND negative, you will never truly learn and grow from it. Sometimes being wrong is the best thing FOR you. (see #1 if you need comfort)
3. Mind over Matter. Your mind is literally BUILT to adapt and overcome. You can strengthen that muscle to control pain, emotions etc. Awaken your mind. Exercise that muscle vs numbing it.
4. Realize your value and potential in both strengths and weaknesses. That moral inventory will give YOU the opportunity to change what you want ...build yourself into who you want to be.
5. Do not EVER let someone steal your shine. Life is hard enough .... that sparkle is SO important. There is literally nothing and no one worth that sacrifice. So shine on my brilliant friends!
6. This is the tough one. Learn the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone and go from there. That will save you from a lot of pain. It is absolutely ok to love tons and tons of people.... but know your own boundaries for being IN love.

bertha is a bitch.

time is running out.

I have a lot of love and kindness to offer...

ugh

Bertha.... well, did a procedure and things got better .... for a bit, and now we are back to square one.  The war is not yet over... and I am not done fighting.

Memorial day marks a year since my rape.  My night terrors and sleep paralisys are back, and sleeping is literally HELL.  I am hoping that this will pass as the holiday does and things will get back to normal.  Give me strength.

I spent my entire life in martial arts ... a third degree black belt now.  And that night, I was drugged, and there was literally NO way that I was able to save myself.  The horror.  The failure.  The defeat. 

I look at myself in the mirror now and stare at my reflection.  I still see the kindness, the love within me but it is shrouded in memories of pain.  Now I can let it suffocate me ... drown me ... or I can stand up... stare BACK into that mirror, grab the knife and FIGHT.  I am finally getting back to the me I love... it has taken the majority of the year.  I'm NOT going to let it take me down.

Give me strength or give me death.  I will NOT live in FEAR.

So they needled their way into my head, and sucked the water out of my noggin.  The pressure is SO MUCH better... and I can breath again.  It is lovely not having that brain pain that is for certain.

I still dont feel like me.... but I am ...always and ever will be, a work in progress.  Be well my dolls and dashing lads... Its just one more step over the rainbow.

Ky

ps... annoying factor is these FUCKERS just DONT know how to READ profiles.  So to the three or four of you that do... I love ya for the love and respect.  XO KY

we are back to where we started... growing growing growing,

and it has been a tough pill to swallow.

I have been given a short expectancy, shorter than last time, but I dont know if I am in denial or what ... but just dont see it.

to doug.

sorry I didnt even know I had an audience!  Ill try to post more frequently

ky

my car accident aggrivated my tumor and pierced it.  now I am leaking water out my ears and nose.  The tumor is going away.

yesterday was interesting fer sure... headed to a tat apointment and on my way I was rear ended.  BLAMMO~!!!! Was an hour late to my apointment thanks to waiting on popo and such... 

Butt... and here is the fabulous but of it all, made it to the apointment and got my newest piece.  RAGE on PEEPS.. make today your best yet... its all in your hands.

today is  a good day... but I had a conversation in the shout box today that made me wish I were in warm arms... 

other than that ....flawless