I miss the smile you had when I walked into the room,

I still replay in my head all the times you said baby girl I love you too.

When I first met you I never envisioned sitting here filled with regret,

I know this is all my doing that is why I am so upset.

I pushed you away so much and for so long,

I know I made you feel like loving me was wrong.

I let the fear I had over come me,

That is the only reason I set you free.

You were right when you said you were paying for his mistakes,

I just wish the damaged he caused hadn't put our love at stake.

I gave you all I had to give,

I would of gave you my last breath to help you live.

I know I will have to live with the choice I made,

I just wish the second time around I would of been more truthful maybe then you would of stayed. 

My insecurities and fucked up head allowed me to run you off for the second time,

I know what you want me to do but baby there is no more trying.

I begged for you to tell me good bye with my tearful eyes,

You said you couldn't you would rather die. 

I will never forget you,

Honestly I still love you. 

For ya baby, I will love you forever and always... 

I am sorry... 

Is it me that is flawed,

Is that why there is always that pause.

I don't understand what is so bad about me,

Is there something I fail to see.

I would give you all of me heart, mind, body and soul,

Its not a front its something I do, always give my all.

I would never steer you wrong,

Why is it so hard to a love thats strong?

Am I simply something you do not want,

Why do you come around my feelings you taunt.

If I'm not what you need,

Then please set my heart free.

I'm tired of being used for your selfish gain,

There is nothing for me to obtain.

I cant let you in anymore to hurt me like you do,

I have to be flawed, theres nothing left to conclude...

When you look into my eyes you see a strength I do not see,

When you need a shoulder to cry on I'm there for you that's just me.

When my world is crashing down I brighten yours with a smile,

When you really need me there as a friend I'll go that extra mile.

I'm not much of one to complain or hold a grudge,

I just wish sometimes people would be there to give me that nudge.

Sometimes I wish I had those arms to hold me tight,

Those lips to whisper everything will be alright.

I have fought this battle deep inside me for so long,

Always looking for somewhere to belong.

I have been walked on, used and left all alone,

I shouldn’t be going through this I’m grown.

There's so many night's I lay here scared to fall asleep,

All the evil and hurt comes to me in my dreams.

I try to block out the bad and hope for the good,

But for me in this world I'm so misunderstood.

So many people pass judgment on my life,

Not knowing that for me to wake in the morning is such a sacrifice.

All I want is for someone to take my hand,

Wisk me away to a far off land.

Suicide isn’t cowardly. Wanna know what’s cowardly? Treating someone so badly that they want to end their life....

May 23, 2012

            I can’t believe how much has changed and how much I have been through in 3 years. I honestly didn’t think I’d be sitting here able to write this. I have become such a stronger and a better women than I was before. I still have my bouts of depression and hurt. I have often questioned why. I know for a fact you were brought into my life for a reason, you taught me patience, apathy, understanding, and courage. I don’t think I would be who I am today if it wasn’t for you. You tore me down, broke my soul, and almost damaged me beyond repair. You abused me physically, mentally, and emotionally. You never cared for the most part you never loved me, if you did, you would have changed and bettered yourself for us. But believe me I’m not complaining, if anything I’m saying thank you. If it wasn’t for the bullshit you put me through, I probably would be dead by your hands. There are a lot of things I don’t understand, things out of my control.  Thank you David Perez for all you did to open my eyes.. 

Co-Dependency

Relationships are made into what a person perceives growing up; their parents are what influence’s the type of partner and relationship one will be in. If someone was raised in a family where there was alcoholism, addiction or abuse the risks of codependency are higher. The person will generally find a partner that has some of the issues that one or both of their parents had. “Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself, it’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like its meant as a one sided relationship, however that’s what it is.” (Tessina, 2011)  “Simply being in a relationship- even if it’s not ideal- may also be comforting.” (Weltzer, 2011) Wetzler says. “A lot of times, people have low self-esteem and say, ‘I’m no good, no one would want me, and therefore I have to put up with this.’ These negative thoughts are very common, and they have a big impact on why people stay in relationships that may not be good for them.” People who start with the impression that love is sacrificing for my partner and putting up with whatever is dished out are the ones who are deeply stuck in it. A perfect example is Romeo and Juliet, they felt their love for each other was much more than anything in the world, and tragically took their lives to be together forever. You may want to seek counseling if you answer yes to any of the following questions: Is your relationship much more important to you then yourself, what price am I paying to be with this person, or am I the only one putting any energy into this relationship. Can a codependent relationship be saved? Maybe. Marriage or couples counseling may be beneficial, but if your partner has an underlying disease such as alcoholism or addiction they will have to seek help for that problem first and become healthy for both of you.  “The willingness to leave is often what sets things straight. They have to get to a point where they have to save themselves by saying ‘I love you, but I have to take care of me.’  (Bochner, 2011)

Works Cited

Bochner. (2011, April 18). http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship?page=2. Retrieved from WebMd: http://www.webmd.com

Tessina. (2011, April 29). WebMd. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship: http://www.webmd.com

Weltzer. (2011, April 18). http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship. Retrieved from WebMd: http://www.webmd.com

Iam so broken and torn
My heart is bruised and worn
I tell myself everyday things will change
Inside me thoughts so strange
I'm good at not letting you know my pain
I just want to die over and over agian
I will not be missed
Trust me I'm so convinced
My friends rather walkaway
Even tho gasping for air I beg them to stay
I don't see this getting any better
I guess this is my suicide letter
I'm sorry to have disappointed you
I'm sorry but this time I will follow through
There's no helping someone so like me
It's in your best interest to close your heart so my pain you dont have to see
It will only hurt for a lil while
Hoping that when I'm gone I can find my smile
Tell my babies I love them so
I'm sorry it's now time for me to go.....

I once was able to love with the fullest of my heart,