Over 16,538,421 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
I don't know why I am about to share this, no one really reads them...
I am hot, miserable, and lonely.
I waste too much effort in the "fiction" section of my life.
The reality is so simple.
I am boring, I do nothing special, and all I am good for is one day of great conversation. It's not always that interest is lost on the other end...sometimes I withdraw as well.
I am smarter than a 5th grader and more shrewd than a penny pinching jew(I am jewish) when I feel I am being lied to. I notice everything and it makes me CRAZY!
I want all of you men to stop chasing the illusion you have of me. I am never going to be what you want. And the reality is you will never be what I need.
So please just focus on a friendship with me because I want nothing more. I don't need any dreams or hopes built to be crushed. I am tired of this fantasy. I am over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So when you see me on broadcast enjoy the time I share and let me do my thing. I enjoy sharing my time with people, sometimes a simple smile is all they need to make themselves less lonely and sometimes that is all I need to make me feel like I am worth something.
and my name changes are public displays I don't feel like explaining. ;)
I don't have any intention to elaborate the details, just wanted to more or less say that every family must have these Jerry Springer moments. I love my brother very much, even when he involves me in such moments.
Spent my day with a very stressed out group of people who haven't quite figured out they create at least half of the turmoil they feel in their little world. May God bless them all and keep them safe.
I'm having a bad hair day for sure. Mostly due to pulling it out! I am beyond stressed
right now and trying very hard to find some solutions.
I looked into loan possibilities, funny thing that credit score. Still in the crapper!!
I looked into cheaper places to live...found a couple but they are further away thus adding to
the gas cost and utilities added on...not a wise move.
In order to cut out the extras I have to reduce my one extra bill per month would cost me more
to get rid of them....SIGH.
I know when its all said and done I am to blame for anything that is not as I would like it in my life.
This includes my finaces. I didnt have to marry anyone. I chose to. I didnt have to move across the country
twice!
I am just spending the day searching for possible solutions that are viable. I'm sure I will find something.
Oh and cancelling the VIP too!
I love this one so much I wanted to keep it forever!!
<object width="357" height="458"><param name="movie" value="http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/e/bdade3808"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/e/bdade3808" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="357" height="458"></embed></object>
I miss you!
When you let someone shit on your feelings and waste your time. you really have no one to blame but yourself. it was a choice you made when you condoned the first shitty thing and only further allowed with the following shitty things. you cant be upset for any hurt feelings you have because you saw the dead end signs and kept going that direction. but you can shut everyone else out again. regroup. take some time to think about it and decide if you're ready for this same fucking trip later. you can't seem to take another trip down a different road so you might as well accept that it's gonna just keep happening until you fix it.
I am so very sad. So hurt. I thought perhaps I was forgotten or no longer thought of.. I tried and tried to talk to you. couldn't understand what i had done to make you stop talking to me...well I suppose knowing you'd been sick forever and unable to get better, maybe I should have known you might not be around. but i didn't know and I hover over your link and i see that you really are gone. oh my heart hurts and i cant stop crying. this life is so unfair! i kick myself for not knowing sooner. i just want to scream. for years you were there for me, my constant friend, even when i probably didnt deserve to be cared about. i will never be able to tell you all of this. i am angry now and sad, but i know in time maybe i will be able to accept it.
many many besos for you <3 i love you my friend.
so you don't know me not at all not one tiny bit. i dont want you to know anymore than that. what pray tell is so interesting about a woman who is not even happy with herself? I am online because I am not happy with the world around me. probably not any different from you or anyone else online. there are a few of my very dear friends who know more about me than this. who know what causes me the most sadness or what really makes me laugh. i care about every single one of those dear friends. i am not sure why i am typing this or what i have to say. i go up and i go down. my mood isn't level. i went to sleep lastnight(this morning) restless and nervous. i woke up to the expected. wouldn't it have been so cool for the unexpected to occur? don't i deserve it after all this time? apparently i do not. so...noted. i am the biggest fool on this planet. i take so much to heart, i believe blibdly in people, can't understand why anyone could possibly hurt another. i don't think I belong here. i'm out of touch obviously. people love hurting others so much because i think its the only dose of reality they have anymore. if someone tells me i have the biggest heart of anyone they know, i cry. like i am doing right now even. when will i become the person i need to be? when will i be happy with myself? why do i type these blogs and let people know of my struggle with myself?
one thing is for sure...I DONT KNOW!
listening to that song now...
wishing I could just brave a jump off a very tall building and go splat!
seriously I am not inclined to do any such thing. :( I am extremely sad and stuck in the ever growing mist of sadness that holds me safely in its grip. I dont give a fuck about anything or anyone especially myself. I just wish to disappear and never feel anything again.
I miss them so much. So much more than I can express ever with useless meaningless words. I want to hold them close to me. Why am I still here? Today is a terrible day and the sun is out the weather is miserably warm and somewhere the birds are mking noise in the shade. I am going back to bed where my miserary is content with my company.
Funny how when you get dumped by a guy or you lose a best friend, you feel like you've lost something special...and silly shit that is because in the long run they are easily forgotten or replaced and life goes on. That kind of hurt is like a mosquito bite...it is annoying but doesnt last forever.
This kind of hurt is far beyond that. I know its not permanent but a year is a very long time to go without my baby girl. Those of you who are close to me know she is my center. My rock. My core. I know its bad to say, but she is my favorite child. On a totally different level of course as i love them both so much. My son and I arent co-conspirators. Its silly..but regardless I have to stay focused now and not let this sadness swallow me because he deserves a mom who laughs and smiles...and isn't stuck in a pity party. He's still away for the summer so I have a little time to work on masking my sadness. I know its what will make her happy in the short term. I know that a year seeems so long when you are 15 but I wont force her to be miserable so I can have what i want.
I will be moving back to colorado as soon as I have enough saved up which should be by the end of the next school year. Even though I know she will be going to college in a few years...I still need to be closer then 2000 miles at this point.
I still wont be extremely social so I apologize again.
