Frayed Knot FM2 DRK's blog: "My closet...(content personal)"

I'm off center and sad..angry...sad...too much of the negative inside and no real positive. I don't feel like talking because I am just crying. Its a very personal matter. One that will crush me if I let it. I will be around when I am and i apologize if im not social.

I love him

with all that I have

all I have not

He doesn't know

he may not care

it still is

All I want

is to touch him

kiss his lips

feel his heart

beating in his

strong chest

His touch

makes me weep

with tears of joy

Silently

I mourn this

loss of love.

Every time

we meet, kills me

more and more

He is not mine

but I love him still

and always will.

Most of you know I live at my parents house with my two children. I have posted blogs before regarding my mother and my feelings about her. I am so frustrated with her at this point I am contemplating feeding her to the wild turkeys.

She has this notion that because I live here I should help her out with the housework. I keep my room clean, pick up after myself and my children, and randomly do dishes after work or on a day off just because I can. But as I am working most nights and not home, I don't see why she has to expect me to do dishes when I come home at 1am after working. I hardly eat here and the only dishes I actually use are coffee cups.

So she is trying to piss me off by not doing the dishes. Its been three days now, and of course I am avoiding the kitchen altogether because she has been sitting on her ass watching tv and not doing a damn thing. This of course exhausts her to no end. (GRRRR)

After i left for work today she decides to come tell my daughter just what is on her mind. She tells her that she knows Rose will tell me what she says...but so be it. She feels as though we are using her, and not helping out around the house. When she has been more than gracious to allow us to live here. She also believes I am more worried about being my daughters best friend then about being a good mother. She tells her that she shouldn't be going out to friends houses so much or worrying about her social life. That she makes poor choices. And all of this is because I fail as a parent.

I wonder where she finds her good parenting guide book to inform my 15 year old daughter about my terrible parenting skills.

My mother was high or drunk for the majority of my childhood. From birth til after I became a parent. I spent more time taking care of her and the house and bills as a kid than being a kid. She totally dropped the ball with my brothers and myself and set such a stellar example of how to be a coked up whore I don't know where I have gone wrong. I could kill her dead for real.

I don't get high..I barely drink whatsoever. My children get good grades in school. Have pretty damn good health. Have clean clothes and rooms. Plenty of food to eat. A mother who does as much as possible to ensure they don't have to grow up faster than they need to and have fun being kids. My daughter doesnt go out partying or sneaking around doing stupid crap. She isn't smoking or trying drugs. No sex or even making out with a boy. Though she has kissed a couple, she just isn't into the whole boyfriend thing yet. And for that I am so thankful. One less worry for me.

My mother seems to overlook the fact that she is to blame for her current situation. Her lack of freedom was a result of her actions, being the stellar mother she is when she shot my brother in the leg to get fucking HIGH! I certainly didn't cause this. Her own selfish behavior and twisted fucking brain brought her to where she is now.

I haven't been nice to her she told me. She said I have been hateful the last couple of days. I havent really seen her or spoken to her. I have other things to do..like work, sleep, take my kids here and there, and sleep. Or try to sleep. Even though she woke me three times yesterday for no damn reason, other than to just be spiteful.

I was leaving for work and she says "did you find a place that does your laundry for you then?" I look at her and say, "what the hell are you talking about?" she responds, "well I didnt see you bring the laundry in and those baskets look empty in the car"

FFS..the laundry is folded and there wasn't that much of it so its only half full in the three baskets belonging to my son, daughter, and myself.

I left for work and wished like hell I didn't have to be where I am, living here with her and her shit!

Well I have vented, but am no where near done. It's just that this would be too long to continue it in length.

If I am not being social..forgive me I am doing my best to not to break things...like her neck :)~

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sorry

Phone rings...caller ID says its my big brother :) YAY!

well...it wasn't my brother but the first guy I slept with. I don't know how to possibly explain what went thru my head. the conversation was just bizarre. then he tells me to call him sometime..i said sure your number is? he didnt want to give it to me so he wouldnt have to explain to his current girlfriend who I am. So here I sit thinking why bother calling me up and asking me to call only to make me feel like I am a dirty little secret?

I swear the peen must really make some men fucking stupid. Or I am stupid for speaking to them.

My tummy hasnt been happy for two days now and I am tired and cranky. Thats just hormones though..haha! Night everyone..contents of my head purged.

Now I am pissed. This has to stop! I want sleep. My brain needs to click off that stupid crap. Useless crap that has no place left in my world. There is no "what ifs" there is only "what is" so yet another beautiful nap disrupted by thoughts of nothingness. SHOOT ME NOW!

I have decided I have nothing to offer anyone in the way of a future LOL I wasted so much energy trying to find a guy to call my own and for what? To know that I am not enough. WOOOT! That is cool really..I am not overly concerned. Except when I try to shut down. Then my evil brain sabotoges my thoughts. Making me ponder this or that. Well facts are facts. I am single and will most likely stay that way for many many years to come. It's not as if I go anywhere normal humans go. Bars don't count..the only quality person there is Bill...and we know he and I aren't gonna date each other. ;) Got the double whammy of being a divorced mother of two and not wanting to make more babies. Been there...done that. Though practicing sure is fun. I don't have a stellar job, though I am as high up as I can get in it. There is no major accomplishment there. I smoke...so I don't kill people. No tattoos, body piercings, sexual fetishes, drinking problems, or tons of free time.I have had countless accts on single sites..which produced a few interesting encounters and nothing! Thankful I didn't come into contact with that CL guy though. LOL! Technically I am not unhappy being me or single. I actually enjoy the freedom it affords me to be spontaneous and open to anything I may choose to do. I know most guys out there aren't really looking for anything meaningful..and those of you who say you are..live too far away. Even if the net has a magic ability to bring you close enough to interest me. The one i wanted isn't ever going to be the one I have. So I get off at the next stop and wait for the next train. Simple logic. Which i am not sure I ever really apply. LOL I am positive you are all confused at this point as I haven't really completed a thought yet. Tis just how I am and my thoughts jumble. I am only typing them as they come. My poetry is off. I can't complete one I like. I can't make any of them happy. They are just not making me happy these days. Pictures...wow..I did totally expose myself ;) Yes I know I have boobs..I like them, so I decided to share them. Not like anyone has a claim to them but me anyhow. (that sounded so eeyore-ish) Well maybe I should attempt the nap thing again...or maybe I will go back outside and just lay in the yard. I am done typing for now.

So many things flitter through my brain. I wonder this..I wonder that. If only I did this..or maybe I should do that. I will eventually drive myself crazy.  Those of you out there like me that analyze every damn thing we do. *hugs* I really don't want to talk to anyone. Like on the phone. I might cry. I do not wish to be alone...but alone is a good place for the emotionally turbulent. It's the heat. I will blame that tonight. So here's the deal. I was supposed to go out. Wanted to go out. But plans change. They do. OFTEN. Maybe this time my cynicism isn't warranted. I have been known to assume incorrectly before. Not often mind you...I am pretty fricken clever. My mind will always click to the most dubious of scenarios as well. But maybe this time I take the words given and not overthink them.  So I am bored..up to chapter 10 in my new book. I have eaten a ton of healthy snacks and am still starving for a huge perfectly grilled ribeye. I will have one sometime this month ;) But I decide to be social. When you have numbers in your cell that you never dial...perhaps they should remain that way. So when I am told I don't call or talk as much as someone would like me to, I will try not to reflect upon tonight's joy when breaking the silence.  I really don't think I have a point here..and I most likely will delete this blog when I find it too revealing. I just think I want to scream a bunch of really shitty things at the top of my lungs...take a deep breath...and call Bill. If he managed to stay awake this late. *giggles* I know I am an asshole.

So back to sweating to death in my room I go. Praying to distract my brain long enough to laugh. And checking my messages here...someone got me a pink clam  =) wooot maji!!!

fiingers done typing now

blah

So tonight the ad runs smoothly we are all done scanning and taking a break before the put up....and *boom*

I blink a couple times..to see if I am really hearing what is being said. My strongest setter is saying "hopefully you got someone lined up to pick up the shit when i'm gone" "I don't fucking give a shit" "maybe  I will get fired" "I might not fucking show up"

I have never seen him so much as show a sign of his annoyance aside from a roll of the eyes followed by an evil laugh. I absolutely love him he busts his ass everytime for me. Or for himself. Doesn't matter which. He is the one variable I can rely on.

I can't let my crew see me off balance. I am the man right..so back to work I go..so uneasy about the words to come. We get the ad set and it is time to clean up. He's in the break room waiting to clock out, I go in and ask if he wants to talk about it. he says " no..I'm not really the talking type"

So I finish cleaning up unset the alarm...trying like hell to avoid my crew because I'm crying. Dammit all to fucking hell! I unset the alarm..tell them all to go home. It's all I can do to not cry infront of Suzanne, though I am sure she could tell I had been. I don't want to see him go. I can't bullshit him either. They aren't going to give up the hours for the ad set team. It's been three years and I haven't seen them follow through yet with one of the "promised changes"

So I text him to ask if he is just really pissed or if he's quitting? No response. Anyhow I will get my answer soon enough I am sure. But to say tonight sucks is an understatement just now.

P.S. I hate my job!

My issue with this guy was so simple. I felt wanted. It was nice. I didnt have to do anything to have him want me. Wow! All this moping around trying to figure out why I was so saddened by this dude that filled my world with his presence and then dropped out of it. Ok so now that I have it figured out..I am going to sit on this and work out how to bypass this the next time. I don't think its a positive thing to need to feel wanted. So maybe thats the ominous red flag. haha if you want me im easy as pie. LOL fuck that noise right? Sorry guys..I already figured out I don't care if I am convenient...I don't need anything but myself to be happy. So let them want...let them do whatever it is..but I will have no part in it. You will earn my time. Work for it. And if you have a short attention span..you need not even check out the window display. ;) You can't afford anthing in this store.

on a more realistic note: I am just working on maintaining friendships and not looking for any entanglements that require more than that. I am not lying to myself. I know I am the least likely to say fuck off to anyone. Knowing this isn't something I am proud of. I will be chilling with my tunes and wandering around doing stuff for a while to come.  I enjoy the banter  and the fun little chats.

wooot!  Ok train is boarding for uber bitchville..gotta catch it ;)