aLphameL's blog: "oHAI! [miscellaneous mutterings for meL's minions]"

most of you know my best friend in real life is Caralina, my top fam member, who i met here on Fu. This was back in 2008. i’ve no idea what my life would look like without her, but i know it wouldn’t be nearly as rich.

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one thing i taught Caralina was that it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling. it’s what you do with it that matters. and one thing Caralina taught me, is it’s ok to express your feelings; FUCK PRIDE, she always reminds me, through Marsellus: “That's pride fuckin' wit’ you. Fuck pride! Pride only hurts, it never helps.” basically, i tell her when what she's doing with her feelings is no longer working, and she tells me when i'm IGNORING my feelings, publicly, to my own detriment.

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i’m an INTJ Leo. i was born hubris-ridden. i need to heed Carasellus’ words on an extremely regular basis.

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i’ve been outwardly feeling a lot lately; because Caralina is right. it’s not a sign of weakness unless you’re a serial whiner. i’ve never been good at feeling; i’m a Thinker and a Rationalist. but lately, Love taught me some of its odd, bizarre, secrets. because i’m still learning to lean on my friends and that it is OK to be weak, i sometimes don’t know what to do with sad feelings.

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so, i apologize that lately i have been – well, frankly, weirdly emo. yes. In un-Melissanian style, i even went ghost-face for several days. then, i publicly threatened to leave Fu b/c of the skins thing (it was shortlived b/c i reigned myself in). and in general, lots of sad statuses, passive-aggressive statuses, and even (bh) emoticons (something i have always been too prideful to use except tongue-in-cheek). while the (bh) and such are very appropriate when not used too much, the threatening to leave Fu tantrum was ridiculous. i apologize.

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thanks for bearing with me. I’ll get through this. the stress demands of mine – work, money (pride’s associated that that, too – i’ve never had to worry about money),  having to buy another car WHILE i was between jobs, trying to get over the serial bullying done to me at the company i worked for for seven years, by the CEO, a jealous psychopath who had no reason to be jealous of me (she’s the multi-millionaire)... it’s all piled up. everything happened at once. and, i lost my faith in Love. and in myself.

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as Brian, one of my boy besties likes to call it, i’ve been at “Zero Melissa.” not the happy, charmingly neurotic, positive, optimistic, love-will-conquer-all, chance-giving, TOO forgiving, helpful, sweet woman i try to be, mixed with SUPER HIGH CONFIDENCE and healthy ego. it's left the building right now....

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i’m still not back. please bear with  me; call me on my dumb shit before it goes further; and tell me if i’ve been ignoring you.

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thanks for sticking with me. 

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for a while, please remind me that i am a precious princess.

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thank you. i’m sorry i’ve been selfish and inactive lately, even when i am on fu. I don’t even rate my fam members everyday. i’m sorry, and reach out if YOU need ME. 

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i may delete this out of PRIDE and embarrassment. don't let me.