When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a
call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could
please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in
"Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I
accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her,
decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered
phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back
I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling
first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd
call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes,
is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked
right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked,
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still
there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make
He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said,
Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in
Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He
"I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your
prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole,"
yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He
exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's
chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just
time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
Love is when you take away the feeling , the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out I still care for you.
The best kind of friend is the kind I can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation I ever had.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but its also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Never say good-bye if you still want to try, never give up if you still feel you can go on, never say you don't love a person anymore if you can't let go.
Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed, to those who still believe although they've been betrayed, to those who still need to love although they've been hurt before, and to those who have the courage and faith to build trust again.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it only takes a smile to make a day seem bright. You are the one that makes me smile.
There are moments in my life when I miss you so much that I just want to pick you from my dreams and hug you for real! I hope you dream of me that way.
The beginning of love is to let those we love just be themselves, and not twist them into our own image, otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we love in them. I'd rather love you just the way you are.
Why spend any time at all looking for greener pastures when the two greatest places on Earth is laying in your arms and you laying in mine. Who could ask for more?