This last month has been nothing but pain, nothing but a sinking depression I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into... yet, I remained hopeful and I tried my best not to show it.
The last few months have been hell out here in Yakima, and I grew to hate this town with a passion. I'm not one to talk myself up, but I am over qualified for this town, making it hard for me to find a job... which is sad. Then there was the whole bilingual thing... no offense or anything, but you wanna live here, fucking speak the language.
Ahem...
Finding out about Baby, then having it ripped from me has literally destroyed me. I blame myself. Darryl says to much. I am still having a hard time sleeping at night, re-living that day is something that is going to constantly haunt my dreams. I've been bleeding for a month, chunks of lining from my uterus still falling out at the most inopportune times... My body has been going through massive hormonal changes and all I've felt like doing this last month is crying.
I walked out of Sears in June, I was done with the bullshit. I was treated like crap and payed less than that. Walking out, I felt good... Liberated... I thought I was going to make something of myself in this town and prove my family wrong. June turned into July, July into August... and still nothing. Darryl and I used up all the money we had, I at first dipped into savings... everything I had is now gone. We were sinking fast and on top of that, we had found out about Baby.
August... Probably the most terrifying month of my life came to an end and I was completely drained empty... A life we created was no longer and I broke.
September... This month had taken everything out of me. I love, yet I feel empty. There's this constant pain in my chest. I was weak at first, I was in so much pain, both physically and mentally. But I've been working on being stronger. I needed to, for Darryl. He's had to deal with it just as much as me, and he's been strong for me for to long, and I've watched it wear him down.
So we come to now... I finally managed to muster up the strength to go out and look for a job. I turned in a job application at Eddie Bauer then about an hour later got a call to go in for an interview. So, at 5pm I showed up... not expecting anything to come of it, there was very little room for failure... but things are never what they seem with me... I start work Thursday.
I'm turning 25 on the 5th... I would like to think things are going to start getting better... Seeing as how I'll be a quarter century old and have shit to show for it, I guess it can't really get any worse. I think I am really going to enjoy my new job. The manager was awesome, I felt totally comfortable and at ease in there. And telling him about what I wanted out of a job and how I was looking to advance and him genuinely appreciative of that, made me feel like maybe I've just been looking in the wrong places all this time.
Darryl and I want a house, and a family. We want nice things and we both deserve it.
Maybe all this pain was brought on, so I could really take a step back and look at my life. I had no direction, and I was lost. I know what I want and I know what I have to do to get it. And I am willing to give it my all now.
I don't want a future shrouded in darkness.
