Can you imagine how it is, to want to be neither inside or outside... to want to be no where and disappear?
In two years time, my scar became pale and shiny and I had no memory... That is the way it is with a wound. The wound begins to close in on itself, to protect what is hurting so much. And once it is closed, you no longer see what is underneath, what started the pain.
After a while I didn’t think it was a terrible life, no, not really. After a while I hurt so much that I didn’t feel any difference.
A person has very strange thoughts when it seems that life is about to end.
And I want to tell you this: We are lost, you and I, unseen and not seeing, unheard and not hearing, unknown by others.
But now that I am old, moving every year closer to the end of my life, I also feel closer to the beginning. And I remember everything that happened that day because it has happened many times in my life. The same innocence, trust and restlessness; the wonder, fear and loneliness. How I lost myself.
When something that violent hits you, you cant help but loose your balance and fall. And after you pick yourself up, you realize you cant trust anybody to save you - Not your boyfriend, not your mother, not God.
I felt such pain, literally a physical pain, as if someone had torn off both my arms without anesthesia, without sewing me back up.
I took the sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet. And for the first time I can recall, I had no dreams. All I could remember was falling smoothly into a dark space with no feeling of dimension or direction. I was the only person in this blackness. And every time I woke up, I took another pill and went back into this place.
Is it because I had so much joy then that I came to have so much hate? But even when I was at my happiest, I had a worry that started right above my brow, where you know a thing. This worry later trickled down to my heart, where you feel a thing and it becomes true.
But then again that is all in the past.
