Snake Skinner AKA Motordromerider's blog: "JOKES 8"

MONDAY'S JOKE
                                      Pet Monkey 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
 The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid shit do this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table," says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because he's been driving me nuts," replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. 
 Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.
 The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barkeeper. 
 "Well, what did you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" 

********************************************************************                                      TUESDAY'S JOKE
                                      Cold Water Clean 

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
 John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
 His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny'.
 For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
 Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it'.
 Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
 Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE ME!!!

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I MUST APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THE BLONDE JOKES. I WILL POST SINGLES WED. THROUGH SUN., AND  MON. I WILL DUMP THE REST JUST SO I CAN GET RID OF THEM ALL AT ONCE. I SINCERELY HOPE NO ONE GETS OFFENDED AND EVERYONE REALIZES THAT THEY ARE JUST JOKES I HAVE AMASSED OVER THE YEARS.

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 WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
                                      Windows!

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"
 She replies "15 inches."
 He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."
 The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains."
 The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!"

********************************************************************                                      THURSDAY'S JOKE
                                      Three blondes fishing

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." 
 "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. 
 "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. 
 "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." 
 The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left. 
 As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

********************************************************************                                      FRIDAY'S JOKE
                                      Two blondes and a hammer

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
 Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
 Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
 Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

********************************************************************                                      SATURDAY'S JOKE
                                      Three women in Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
 The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
 They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
 The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
 They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
 The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

********************************************************************                                      SUNDAY'S JOKES
                                      Blonde texting

A blonde texts her b/f saying that she doesn't understand what IDK means,  and wondering if he understood what it meant.
 He replied back saying "I don't know"
 The blonde immediately texts her b/f back and says  "OMG NOBODY DOES!!!!!!!"
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                                     Christmas Stamps

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
 The clerk says, "What denomination?"
 The woman says, "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. "