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MONDAY'S JOKE
What Are Friends For
These two police officers were traveling through the upper mid-west one February when it started to snow. The wind was blowing and it was very cold. One of the cops spotted a light on the hill next to the road and said, "That looks like a farm up there, lets go up and see if we can get out of this blizzard." The other one agrees and up the hill they go. When they get to the farm they find a real nice lady, explain to her that they are law enforcement officers, and they ask if they can stay in the barn until the storm blows over. The lady explains that she is a widow with this nice comfortable 3 bedroom house and it won't be necessary to stay in the barn since they are police officers, as there is plenty of room in the house. So the two cops settle in and the widow cooks up a nice dinner and after watching some television everyone turns in. The next morning they find the roads are clear and after a nice big breakfast the two officers thank the widow for her hospitality and depart. About six months later one of the officers receives a registered letter from a law firm in the state where they met the widow. He calls his buddy and asks, "Do you remember the night we stayed with that lady during the big blizzard?" "Sure," his buddy replied. "Why?" "Did you sneak into her room, make love and give her my name as yours?" "Well yes," his friend said, "but you are single and sleeping around and I'm married, so I didn't think you would mind." "Naw, thats fine," his buddy replied. "Just wanted you to know she died and left me her farm, the house, and her bank account. Thanks now I can quit the force!"
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'Twas the Night After Christmas
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
Christmas Present The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
This was written by everybody's "FAVORITE REDNECK" JEFF FOXWORTHY.
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WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
The strange Christmas scene
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
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THURSDAY'S JOKE
Price Of A Hair Cut In D.C.
A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKES
Optimist vs. Pessimist
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
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******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Breakdown
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the side of the road. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by police about why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
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The Shopping Criminal
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
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******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
A young woman all excited called up her local police department and said, "I have a sex maniac in my apartment!" The officer at the other end said, "We'll be right over lady." The woman said, "Can you wait till morning?"
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What is a stable?
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."
MONDAY'S JOKE
Drunk Dry Cleaning
A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."
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TUESDAY'S JOKE
Dog Day Afternoon
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "BAD DOG!"
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WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
1ST JOKE OF THE XMAS SEASON, SO I FIGURED IT SHOULD BE ABOUT SANTA. (Don't tell me you didn't expect the xmas jokes)
T'was The Night Before Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money And the kids these days - they all are the pits They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
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The Christmas Parrot
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." Was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held up a lighted match to demonstrate: Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: " Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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FRIDAY'S JOKES
Santa's Only Human
A beautiful young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, please stay." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children you know." Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off the bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children you know." Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa..., Please... Stay." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way !!!
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K-9 Unit
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning. "What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer. The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"
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SATURDAY'S JOKES
Christmas tree decorations
One morning a man and his wife are sitting around the table and his wife looks at him and says, "Honey I had a weird dream last night. It was about a Christmas tree decorated with penises. There were long, short ones, skinny, fat ones, white and black ones. And at the top was the perfect penis" The husband looks and says "Well was it mine" She replies "No it was Richard Gere's" So the couple carry on the day like nothing happened The next day while sitting around the table the husband says "Honey I had a weird dream last night" She says "Well what was it? He replies "In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of vagina's. There was tight ones, loose ones, black ones, white ones, bald ones, hairy ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect vagina" The wife says "Was it mine?" The husband pipes up and says "Hell No, yours was holding the tree up!"
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Is It My Face?
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?" "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
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I Must Be Seeing Things
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right boob is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that it "IS" hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your boob is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
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SUNDAY'S JOKES
Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?
1) A Christmas tree is always erect. 2) Even small ones give satisfaction. 3) A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. 4) It looks good - even with the lights on. 5) A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. 6) A Christmas tree has cute balls. 7) You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past it's sell by date. 8) You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
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Old Man On A Bench
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. "Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love." The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!" So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
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On My Way To A Lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
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Sarge
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?" The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."********************************************************************************************
MONDAY'S JOKE
The Cop & The Baseball Fans
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the A's fan took off his cap and placed itover her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Yankees cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the A's cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The A's fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a A's hat, I find an asshole."
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid around here." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up," You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
A Farmers Claim
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?"
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Trust In Your Fellow Officer
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKES
Blonde Trees
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
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Slow Day
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Truck Stop
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed!" said the trucker.
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Sheriff's Office
A man walks into the sheriff's office.... "I want to become a deputy!" "Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handing the man a wanted poster. The poster reads: 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.' "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young man. "Rustling."
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The Sheriff & Billy-Bob
One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!'.... I guess I'm the first one here!"
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
A Farmer and His Pig
A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of your truck?" The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that." The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."
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The Speed Limit
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
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3 In The Morning
Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't call the cops and don't pay the ransom." "I escaped!"
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3 Blondes A Fishin'
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps one of them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well,if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it, "said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?"
