Over 16,529,452 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
TUESDAY'S JOKES
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside. ******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKES
Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What is the difference between men and women:....
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. ******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKES
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, clothes and diamonds.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes. ******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKES
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time. ******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow. ******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKE
Something's Wrong with my Dick
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
TUESDAY'S JOKES
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know .... it's never happened.
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKES
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKES
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.
What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A man's undivided attention.
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKES
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
MONDAY'S JOKES ARE IN BLONDE JOKES
********************************************************************
OOPS! I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD SO MANY, SO I'LL PICK ON THE MEN TUES. THROUGH SUN. AND RESUME BLONDE JOKES AGAIN ON MONDAYS. *** HEY GUYS, IT'S ONLY FAIR.
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Wife Control
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1.Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
2.Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.3.15 minutes later, pay bill leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2. Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under caravan.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
17. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
18. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
19. Dump first liter of fresh oil into engine.
20. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first liter of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
25. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
26. Begin swearing fit.
27. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car is impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right!
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Types of Men You Might See in the Men's Restroom
* EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
* SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.
* CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
* TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
* INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
* CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
* WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
* FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
* ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
* CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
* SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
* PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
* DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
* TOUGH: Bangs pecker on side of urinal to dry it.
* FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
* LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
* DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
* DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
* CONCEITED: Holds two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.
* RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKES
Statistics
Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.
Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between men an government bonds?
Bonds mature.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
MONDAY'S JOKE
Pet Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's nursing it the monkey runs wild: he jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid shit do this time?" asks the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball from the pool table," says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little shit because he's been driving me nuts," replies the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is nursing his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it," says the barkeeper.
"Well, what did you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Cold Water Clean
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny'.
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it'.
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HERE ME!!!
**************************************************************************
**************************************************************************
I MUST APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THE BLONDE JOKES. I WILL POST SINGLES WED. THROUGH SUN., AND MON. I WILL DUMP THE REST JUST SO I CAN GET RID OF THEM ALL AT ONCE. I SINCERELY HOPE NO ONE GETS OFFENDED AND EVERYONE REALIZES THAT THEY ARE JUST JOKES I HAVE AMASSED OVER THE YEARS.
*******************************************************************************
*******************************************************************************
WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Windows!
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"
She replies "15 inches."
He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains."
The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!"
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Three blondes fishing
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Two blondes and a hammer
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKE
Three women in Mexico
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Blonde texting
A blonde texts her b/f saying that she doesn't understand what IDK means, and wondering if he understood what it meant.
He replied back saying "I don't know"
The blonde immediately texts her b/f back and says "OMG NOBODY DOES!!!!!!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Christmas Stamps
A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists. "
