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MONDAY'S JOKE
English Exam
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
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******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Closest to God
The teacher gave the class an assignment. Everyone must think of which part of their body is closest to God. They are to go home and think about it and come in the next day with their thoughts.
The next day the teacher asked the class what they thought - Little Johnny is jumping out of his chair Oooo! Oooo! Oooo! - I know!!! I know!!!
The teacher wanted to hear from someone else so little Sally raised her hand and said:
S - your head T - Why is that Sally? S - Because it is the highest part of your body T - Good answer Sally - anyone else???
Little Johnny - I know I know !!!!!!
Not yet Johnny give someone else a try!
Little Becky replied:
B - your heart T - Why Becky B - Because you love with your heart and we love God. T - Good answer Becky
Little Johnny is still jumping from his chair raising his hand!!!
Ok Johnny what part of the body do you think is closer to God??
J - your feet T - Why your feet? J - because last night my mom had her feet in the air and she was yelling "Oh God - Oh God I'm coming!!"
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just F'ing beautiful!'"
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Little Johnny
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Calling in Sick...A Cat Owner's Story...
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in? " Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed.
It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKE
Things We Can Learn from a Dog
1.Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2.Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3.When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4.When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
5.Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6.Take naps and always stretch before rising.
7.Run, romp, and play daily.
8.Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9.Be loyal.
10.Never pretend to be something you're not.
11.If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12.When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
13.Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
14.Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
15.Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
16.On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
17.When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
18.No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
MY DOG TAUGHT ME WELL (EXCEPT FOR WAGGING MY WHOLE BODY, HAVEN'T MASTERED THAT YET)
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
Psychic Frog
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
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Whales
Two whales were swimming around in the ocean, when a ship appeared. The male suggested to the female that they have some fun and tip the ship over with their blow holes. She was hesitant at first, but finally went along with it.
Then, he said," since that was so much fun, let's go back and eat the sailors!" To which, she exclaimed, "I went along with you on the blow-job! But, no! You're not going to get me to eat seamen, too."
MONDAY'S JOKES
Student Project
A man entered a restaurant and bar and sat himself at the bar for a drink. He noticed a beautiful girl at the other end of the bar seemingly alone. After some time he picked up his drink and went to sit beside her and asked "Can I buy you a drink?"
She replied in a loud voice "A motel!" "No!" he replied I just offered a drink. All the people in the restaurant were then staring at him. "I just offered a drink", he said. She replied "Why should I go with you to a motel?"
"Oh forget it" he said as he left to return to the other end of the bar. What a kook he thought.
About 20 minutes later she came to his end of the bar and said; "Sir, I'm sorry to have embarrassed you but I am a student at the University and I have to do a term paper on reactions to embarrassing situations. I hope you will forgive me, since this was just part of my research."
He looked at her, and in a very loud voice said, "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?"
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I don't want to go to school!
Mom goes to son's room to wake him up. "Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!"
Son, in a surly mood says, "I don't want to go to school!"
Mother insists, "You must, son, now come on!"
Son replies, "I don't want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don't want to go!"
Mother says, gently, "Son, you know you have to go to school." "
Why do I have to go to school?" Mother replies, "Because you're the PRINCIPAL!"
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Four Advantages of Breast Milk
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1.No need to boil.
2.Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
You Might be in Education If
1 You believe the staff room should have a valium salt lick.
2 You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3 You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
4 You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
5 You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
6 You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
7 When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
8 Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SOOOO much simpler.
9 When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
10 You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
11 You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
12 You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
13 You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
14 You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER DREAM of doing your job.
15 You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
16 Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
17 Or if you think government can do a better job of education, for less money, than private enterprise or home school.
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Catholic School
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break ... but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son ... Private tutors, peer assistance, CDs, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass.
Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.
They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with mat books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card - unopened - in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?
Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother.
Again, the boy shrugged, "No."
"The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father.
"Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!"
"How so?", asked his mom.
"When I walked into the lobby, the first thing I saw was that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign!"
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Chemistry Final
Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKE
College Exam
College Entrance Exam - Football Player Version - Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1.What language is spoken in France?
2.Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to build a bridge sail the ocean lead an army or WRITE A PLAY
4.What religion is the Pope?
Jewish Catholic Hindu Polish Agnostic (check only one)
5.Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7.How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8.What are people in America's far north called?
Westerners Southerners Northerners
9.Spell-Bush, Carter and Clinton
Bush: Carter: Clinton:
10.Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11.Where does rain come from?
Macy's 7-11 Canada the sky
12.Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
yes no
13.What are coat hangers used for?
14.The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15.Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16.Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
New York Florida Canada Wisconsin
18.Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19.What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20.The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
B.C. A.D.
Name:
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify*
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKE
I need to take a piss!!
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
MONDAY'S JOKE
Indians don't use saddles'
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a- a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h- a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Silent Class
The 3rd grade teacher had to leave her classroom for a few minutes. On returning, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and absolutely stunned. She said "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Julie spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
How hot is it in Hell?
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2. cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
English class
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKE
Whiskey and Worms
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "
Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms"
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKE
Vulgar Joke
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?"
With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The bus doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKE
Weird Science
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.
• "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
• "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
• "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
• "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
• "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
• "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
• "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
• "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
• "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
• "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
• "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
• "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
• "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
• "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
• "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
• "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
• "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspeds, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
• "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
• "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
• "Equator: An imaginary lion running around the Earth through Africa."
• "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
• "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
• "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
• "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
• "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
• "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
• "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
• "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
• "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
• "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
•"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
MONDAY'S JOKES
72 Virgins
Q: Why was the suicide bomber disappointed when he met his 72 virgins?
A: He blew off his penis.
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Clinton Monument
Dear U.S. Citizens,
I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there as not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. However, we were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It did not seem proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.
If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we will expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Thank You The Monument Committee
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TUESDAY'S JOKE
Navy v Marines
There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom. The Marine goes to leave without washing up. The sailor catches up with him later and says, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands."
The Marine replies, "In the Marines, they teach us not to pee on ours!!!"
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WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Why Bush doesn't drink
Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident...
Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.
He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110 mph but the face did not disappear. A white hand gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.
The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"
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THURSDAY'S JOKE
Razorbacks
One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''
The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir'
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FRIDAY'S JOKE
10 Million
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"
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SATURDAY'S JOKE
First Lady
George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order.
''I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil,'' answers the President.
''But sir, what about the mad cow?!!'' asks the waiter.
''Oh,'' answers Dubya, ''she'll order for herself.''
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SUNDAY'S JOKES
Blessing
A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
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Involuntary Muscle Contractions
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.
