Well I did so much soul searching this weekend that I’m not sure how I can think straight now, lol. I looked at every single possible aspect of my life, the people in it, the people who aren’t in it and the people I want to be in it . . . Do you want to know what I figured out? That I am miserable, alone, and scared to death of remaining that way.
I spent so much time crying over things, laughing over things, thinking of all the people I have met and why I want to know these people. My god I dissected every aspect of my life that I possibly could without breaking down completely. I reached so deep inside myself to find the emotions that I had that I am was sure I had torn all emotion out of me in general. But here I am at 6 am on a Monday morning writing this damn blog so I can finally move on and get to what I am looking for.
I sat in a car yesterday for a long time with the girlfriend and we talked about so much stuff that we both are kind of dealing with. We are both dealing with being in situations in life that neither of us knows how to deal with. We are both dealing with grasping onto an idea that we are not sure how to tackle in the long run. Finally, we are both just sad and lonely and tired of being that way. The both of us got a lot off our chests yesterday . . . Long car rides will do that for you I guess.
I opened up to her and told her that I am not liking this being alone all the time any more as much as I used to. I find myself more and more each day wanting to have someone in my life. I find myself longing to have someone to come home to after I have had a bad day or whatever the case may be. I find myself wanting to find someone who honestly wants to be with me. I want to find myself in some sort of stable working no threatening relationship and I realized as I told her this that I will never have that. No matter how much I long to have some stability and happiness I can never have that . . . It’s just not in my cards I guess.
I find it so depressing to think that I will spend my life alone for the most part. I find it sad that I have made it this way for myself. I find it sad that no one else will ever know what or who I really am. For the life of me I can’t figure out why I sabotage myself so often, why I can’t allow happiness into my life. I want it I truly do . . . But can’t seem to allow myself to have it. I hate that others get dragged down with me when I go on these downward spirals. I hate that I hurt those that I never wanted to hurt when I am in these moods. I hate that I have these moods period. But, it all comes wrapped neatly in a package along with the bi-polar.
So, I have hurt so people lately that I never intended to hurt and there really are not words to describe how I feel for doing so. That person will never believe me when I say that I never wanted to cause them pain. I never dreamed that I would. That person should be happy though that karma is quick acting at times and that I am paying for what I done now with the misery I feel. I don’t know how to describe what has caused this misery . . .
I feel as though I lost something very important to me, but in reality I never had anything to lose in the first place. I feel like some has grabbed a hold of something that I never wanted to lose and pulled just out of my reach and is taunting me with it. I feel as though I have been robbed of my comfort. Now, none of these things are actually true . . . I never had anything to lose, I never had anything with which to taunt me, and didn’t realize I had the comfort until it was already gone. All I have now is pain and emptiness which I know will pass eventually . . . But I don’t like it now. I enjoy my sorrow only so much then the pain starts and I hate to feel such agony.
I’ve done this all to myself. I can not lay the blame upon anyone other than myself. I don’t care to do so for that matter . . . I will walk with this agony for as long as I must in order to learn from what I have done. Some things in life can only be learned through such misery after all . . . What type of life lesson would it be otherwise?
