Wicked Lil Girl's blog: "All About Wicked Lil Girl"

So, I sat here earlier, alone as usual, and contemplated many things for even more reasons and came up with some pretty deep and profound thoughts for the mood I find myself in lately. My own mind never ceases to amaze me anymore. I’ve been put through emotional hell in the last six months; there is no way for me to sugar coat that, it’s just been pure hell. I longed to find love only to learn that it is the painful thing I have ever experienced while somehow managing to be the most beautiful as well. I wanted to know what true love was and I learned . . . I flew high and then crashed and burned. I had everything and watched it all disappear in the blink of an eye. I went from euphoria to abyss in the mere seconds it took to speak a few words. But, somewhere along the way I also learned who I was, who I am, and who I still want to be. I didn’t learn what I want in life, I was only once again shown what I don’t need. A valuable lesson in it’s own right, after all how can we ever really know what we want if we aren’t shown what we don’t? For some reason or other I have found myself tonight in a sort of despair again. I have said it before and I will say it again now . . . Love never really dies it only transforms. Those few people in my life that I have ever actually loved in one manner or another will always be in my heart somehow; it just may not always be the same way that they found themselves there. The one person that I had my all consuming walk thru the flames of hell for type of love I no longer feel that same type of love for but there is still love for him in my heart. I still only want him to be happy and to never have to suffer. I know he is struggling in his life right now over many different things and it does pain me to know this. I want him to get everything he wants in life; but I also know that he has to get what he wants on his own and if he isn’t driven enough to do that then there is nothing I can do for him. I hate that I can sit here and feel bad for the man who has hurt me so much; that I can hope for him that he fixes everything before it’s too late when he has given me no real reason to; that I can still feel love for the person who threw me away without any regard as to how I felt. It’s the human condition I guess, to love those who we aren’t meant to love. To desire those that we can never have. To search for someone to fill that void in our hearts only to discover that once they are gone the void has grown. We struggle to find that someone that will make us feel complete, make us feel wanted, needed, cherished . . . To make us feel as though we are the only person on this Earth. We shed tears over them, we feel emotions we never thought possible over them, we ache when they are gone, and we rejoice when they are near . . . But in the end the void is still there. So how do we fill that void? How do we complete ourselves and not need that one person to do so for us? Love is cruel and knows no boundaries. Love takes us to depths never before experienced and heights that can never even be dreamt. Is it ever worth it in the end? Is the pain ever worth the greatness? Are the wounds ever outweighed by the smiles? I guess I believe it is all worth it in some way . . . Or else why would love never die only transform?

It’s amazing isn’t it how the human brain works, or more correctly in the case of my ex, doesn’t work. Let me explain this situation real quick and let y’all decide whether it is me who is fucked up or if he really is just as messed up as I think he is. Ok, we met back in January and had one of those instant can’t explain it connections. We were just supposed to have a one night fling (yeah drunkenness gets the better of us all sometimes) and I was content with that. After I left the house the next morning I was more than ok with the fact that I would not being seeing him again. However, later that afternoon I got a phone call from him saying he got my number from his niece (my lil bitch) and wanted to talk to me later if that was ok. I said sure, so when he called later he came over blah blah blah. To make a long story shorter here he didn’t leave my house except to go back home to Michigan every other weekend or so and to work everyday for the next four or so months. Now in this amount of time he texted me every day all day, called me all the time when he was away from me. We went out and did stupid shit together. We took a trip to Kentucky to see my family for Easter. We were what anyone would have believed was in love with one another and I know that was the way it felt for us. Then he left here to go back to Michigan to spend the time in jail he had to serve. Once he was gone he slept with another girl and then turned himself and did his jail time. I talked to him at least once a week and got a few letters a week from him while he was in jail. We still had plans for him to come back down here when he got out, those never changed while he was away, lol. Then he got released and begged me to come up there for the first week he was out because he couldn’t leave there. Not quite 2 weeks after he was released I made the 7 hour drive to go spend a couple of days with him. I was treated horribly while I was there by his family and was told all about his “girlfriend” he had hooked up with. Ok, so I left on Tues and came back home. I talked to him a few times on the phone in the next few days. Then Sat I got a call from him with lots of screaming in the background and him begging me to come get him. So at midnight I picked up my lil bitch and we set off on the 7 hour journey to bring him home. We got back here and everything was fine for a week - then he told me I wasn’t desirable and moved in with his dad. Well, 4 days after that we took a trip to Toledo to see a concert. It’s been 2 months now that he left my house . . . However, things haven’t changed all that much. Since he chose to lave me he has gotten back together with the girl he hooked up with in Michigan - they are together despite the fact that he lives here. He called me two weeks after we split up and asked me if I wanted to work for his dad and make some extra money - which had me in vehicle and on job sites with him for up to 14 hours a day. He still came here for late night visits (yeah booty calls) but would leave after and go back to his dads. Since then though he still texts me all the time - all night last night as a matter of fact. When he wants to talk to someone he calls me. When he is horny he comes here - and now he stays all night again. We just went on a trip to Southern Indiana for my birthday to see an STP concert (which his gf didn’t know he went with me). He’s told me several times he loves me and cares about me and misses me and that no one cares for him like I do. Now, here is where it gets all fucked up - the past week or so he has been sending me texts meant for his girlfriend saying how much he loves her and is happy and not to worry he isn’t leaving her. He says these are by mistake but I am not saved in his phone (so she doesn’t know he talks to me) so he has to type in my number to send them to me making mistake pretty hard. I told him I get it I don’t think he is coming back to me, but think it’s fucked up he is doing this - am I wrong? I know I allow him to do this, I take the blame for my part of it - however isn’t he just as fucked up? Or am I just insane?!

Don’t you find it amusing how we tend to fall in love with those who are the absolute worst for us to fall for? We fall for those that we can’t have no matter how much we desire and long for them; we torture ourselves with the obsession much more than they ever could with their own words. We tend to get ourselves involved in less than ideal situations despite the fact that we know realistically that we never should. We get our hearts broken and our tongues tied of our own doing, the one we fall for does not make us fall for them . . . We do that on our own. Now, it is true that the ones we fall for may manipulate us in some way shape or form in order to make the attraction greater or to speed up the process but in the end that decision to love or care is laid at our feet and not theirs. I just went through all of this in my mind today when I had a free moment here and there . . . I didn’t obsess over it but I came to that conclusion. In the end the pain and disappointment I suffered (and in some way am still suffering) are my own fault. I am the one who made my own choice, I let myself open up to someone that I thought I could trust . . . And found out that I shouldn’t have eventually. It was a mistake made, a lesson learned, and I can’t think about it anymore. I told the wife the other day that I stopped thinking about it; I don’t need to think about it anymore, it only hurts me to think about it so I have had to let it all go. I have realized all throughout my life that the lessons we need to learn in life are always so hard and so painful . . . But we do get the most from them. We learn so much more from what we lose than what we gain. The fact is that it is easy to acquire things . . . Hard to hold onto them at times . . . But usually hard as hell to let go of. People are also easily acquired in life; they come and go every day . . . We meet people, exchange pleasantries, and then eventually part ways. This is where it all becomes so involved and twisted and the pain starts to set in - at letting go of those that we are so sure we need. People have this ability to convince themselves that in order to be a “whole” person that they NEED to have someone else be a part of their puzzle. In all fairness I can admit that it is easier to be happy when you have someone else in your life; but they aren’t needed the way we delude ourselves into thinking that they are. We can be a whole person on our own without another person to “complete” us. If we don’t realize this at some point the cycle of pain and disappointment just continues to run and we spend our entire lives suffering. This comes back to the concept that we then fall for those that are bad for us in some way. As I said we all do it - I did it - I am sure you have as well . . . We fall for that one person we are sure is meant for us. I do still believe that if you feel that way about someone that you are probably meant to be with them in some way and for some amount of time. The pain comes into play though when one of us realizes that the time for the “relationship” is over and the other doesn’t. I was at that point, as I am sure many of you have been as well. I could not accept that my time with the man I loved was over - that he had moved on and that I was nothing but a little blip in his memory bank. I didn’t like that, it hurt me to know that he could say the things to me that he said and then just walk away as easily as he did; but that is life and life has never been fair and it never will be. My situation is in no way unique nor have I ever once thought that is was . . . I only cared that I was suffering and that there were no words or actions to comfort me. I was seduced by words that I somehow longed to hear that I never realized I wanted to hear. Once they were spoken though I wanted to hear them all the time . . . I forced myself to believe them . . . I made myself see things the way that I wanted them to be. I never really lost sight of the world outside and the way that things appeared to others . . . I just didn’t care is all. I was in love with a man who I knew was an asshole, who I knew none of my friends liked, who I knew was going to hurt me in the end. I never lost sight of the fact that I did make (and on occasion still do) excuses for the things that he did (and still does). I made these excuses not only out of love for him but out of understanding to some degree what he is going through in his life right now, understanding fear and confusion, as well as the fact that he is just a complete and utter asshole. I know now what I was doing was wrong, I knew it then, but I believed it, actually still do believe a large part of it . . . That is the price you pay for love in the end I guess. I walked into that relationship with my eyes hazy with desires I never knew I had and I walked out of it with pain I never knew I could feel. My lesson was learned, will I ever repeat it though? Your guess is as good as mine . . . I am very good at walling myself up and shutting everyone out and there is a very good chance that is what I am going to once again do with myself. I may one day decide that love is worth trying again . . . But then again I may decide that love is not worth the pain it causes when it abruptly ends. I learned that to fall for the wrong person is at times inevitable but the actions you take once realization hits are all in your mind . . . None are right or wrong if they are what you want to do. I have that comfort on my side; I did what I wanted to good and bad. I saw mistakes and I still made them. I saw doubt and chose to ignore it. I saw truth and failed to embrace it. I lost strength but am slowly regaining it. I will walk out of this whole ordeal a stronger person eventually only I do not know when that will be . . . Only I know it is not soon enough.

Do you ever wonder why in the world we are creatures who must torture others in order for us to truly feel human? Why is the pain of others such a need for us to inflict? Or, even better yet, why must we inflict this pain upon those who we claim we care for the most in life? Yeah so I am a bit jaded in the area at the moment seeing as how my heart has been violently ripped from my chest while the words "I didn't want to hurt you" were spewed in my face. I was just knocked face first into the burning agony of rejection by the very man who swore he would love me forever and that he had never been as happy as he was when he was with me. It's funny how that seems to always happen isn't it? You start to believe that someone really does care and as soon as you feel secure in that knowledge you are fucking slapped in the face and reminded that you are still just as alone as you were before. I find it a bit puzzling that one day he can look at me and tell me he found a place for us to live that was what we had been looking for and then not ever twenty-four hours later tell me that his feelings for me had changed and that he no longer desires me the way he once did. Ok, I am not stupid I know it means this and that but the idea of the carrying on of a charade of love and honesty puzzles me. I am pretty sure I know what has happened and why he has really left me, but I will never get the truth from him . . . he will stick to the story that I didn't do anything and that his feelings just changed . . . BULLSHIT!!!!!! The fact is you can not be totally in love with a person the way he claimed to be then just not be . . . something triggers that change - another person, an event, stress, many things, but none-the-less something triggers it. The sad truth though is that I do love him the way I claimed and I can't be angry with him. If he isn't happy then he needs to find what makes him happy - I do hate that it isn't me, but I don't get to make those choices. I love him enough to let him go and let him find what he needs to make himself happy - enough to sit and suffer while I know he is moving on without looking back - enough to sacrifice you get the idea. I just don't know why it is that he had the need to hurt me the way he did. Did it make him feel like more of a man to know that I loved him enough to cry over him? He knew I wouldn't beg him to stay with me but was he maybe hoping I would? Does it give him some sick satisfaction to know he has the power to make someone miserable? We are such horrifying creatures to one another aren't we? We disregard the emotions and lives of others in our relentless pursuit of self satisfaction - when the cold hard truth is that we often times find out later that we had what we wanted all along and lost it becasue we craved more. I wrote him a letter today for him to pick up when he gets the rest of his clothes. In this letter I told him that I hope he finds who he feels will make him happy but that he needs to figure himself out first. He needs to figure out what he wants, who he wants, and who he can let go of so that he can get to where he wants to be. I then told him to think long and hard before he makes decisions that he can't change . . . be wary of letting go of those that you may one day realize you need . . . not to make quick judgements when under so much stress because there are things in life that once you lose them they are never coming back. I am trying to deal with the pain and suffering that all of this has brought about for me right now . . . I have always told everyone that you can't let go until there is no hope of anything left to hold onto - I am now slowly letting the last shreds of it slip thru my fingers . . . all will be lost soon enough. I will just never understand the need to punish those who would do anything to help you be who you want to be . . . humans are fucked up creatures in the end

How do you know when you are a horrible person? Do you base this information on the actions you choose in life, the reactions you choose in life, or the way that others see you in life? I ask because I have been told numerous times lately that I am a horrible person, that I am selfish, self centered, and that I do not have any morals what-so-ever. I have never thought of myself that way . . . Still don’t really, but I still find myself questioning whether or not it is true. I ask myself repeatedly . . . Can I be this monstrous person that these people claim I am? I know that most of these people are basing these comments on the way I have been in the last month or so; the way I have treated one person and the way I have interacted with another. How can my entire being be based upon the actions and reactions I have with two people? I honestly do not believe that it can be; there are so many more facets to me than just these two men and the choices I have made concerning them. I am not just a two dimensional person that others feel I am based upon what they hear third person. I am the first person to admit that I could have dealt with things better than I did in some ways, but I dealt with them how I saw fit at that time. Remember people hindsight is always 20/20 not foresight. I got tangled into a web of bad decisions that I am now battling my way out of. Let me tell you though, it is not so easy when each time you break the strands of the web that you find yourself bound in another place. I’m not sure how I will ever find my way out if this continues. All of this began when I was hurt by a man a few months ago and couldn’t find it in myself to forgive him. I struggled greatly to find it in me to forgive this person but I just was unable to do so. The fact of the matter is that he hurt me more than I cared for him and that kind of damage can not be repaired. This man then tried everything he could think of in order to make me want him back in his life. He lied to me, and I mean he lied about some major things in life that can’t be overlooked. Then, when the lies didn’t work in his favor he began to degrade me in other ways. He told me how he thought that I had lied to him, how he couldn’t believe anything I said. He told me how I was hurting him on purpose and was taking pleasure in his pain. Then, finally, he tried to explain to me how I am so low that I am ruining a child’s life for my own selfish endeavors. Now, as if these things didn’t cut me deep enough on their own he has now had others attacking me as well. He has apparently been telling others some of my “horrible” deeds and they in turn harass me daily. It’s very childish of him I know, but why does he have to try to sway others into believing I am so awful just because I hurt him? I have left this man alone and stayed clear of him because I knew it was causing him pain, my friends do not attack him; yet here I am dealing with his attacking me every time I sign in online . . . Pitiful isn’t it? Now, as for the other man I take such heated words over, it is a completely different situation altogether. I have only known this man a short time but have somehow managed to connect greatly with him in this amount of time. We met one night at a bar by sheer chance and have spoken to each other every day at least once a day since then. I have spent a great deal of time with him doing all sorts of activities. The situation is not ideal when it comes to this man, he is at a place in his life he doesn’t need any more complications and I am in all honesty a complication. He and I have spent hours talking about everything that we can think of and have found that we do have a great deal in common while at the same time the kind of differences that don’t push people apart. The two of us both have a few common issues in life that we are dealing with and that no matter what need to be addressed . . . Such as how and if we can ever trust another person. He asked me the other night on the phone if I trusted him, and I told him that I am trying to because I really want to. I’m not sure what is driving me to want to trust him, to want to be with him, to want to have him with me . . . This is so far from anything else I have ever had happen to me in life. This man has the ability to make me smile just by seeing his name pop up on my phone . . . I am not sure I have ever had that happen to me before. Of course, this is not a good thing just as much as it is one too . . . The idea that I care this much is scaring the hell out of me because that means that I have opened myself up to being hurt, and I know that he has the ability to crush me. I’m not sure what is going on between us, not sure what will go on between us in the future, I want to say that I am content with the way things are between us now, which I am; but I know that things can not stay in place but must move forward or never work. So, what does moving forward mean for us? It means accepting the situation that the other is in at this point in their life without judgment or jealousy . . . Which I might add is much easier to think than to actually do. It is hard to trust him with him being so far from me, as I am sure he has a hard time trusting me as well but I keep telling myself if it is meant to be it will be . . . And so far it has been. I have no idea what the hell is going on in my life with either of these situations but am still trying to decide whether everyone else is right and I am that horrible because of them. I hurt one of them immensely and moved on without looking back . . . I found one that I do not want to let go of despite the situation in his life that scream that I need to. I guess this is one of those work it out on your own type of situations . . . Where I need to stop questioning and start accepting and let things fall where they will. I need to hold my head up, keep my eyes forward, and ignore the people who are not me and can’t possibly know why I have made the choices that I have. I need to just go forward and if I decide that I am such a horrible person on my own then embrace who I am and work with it and stop struggling against it.

1. I am 30 years old but feel 230 most days 2. I don’t like children but yes I do have one son I gave birth to and one that I steal and soothe when I want 3. I went to college for four years obviously just to rack up lots of debt 4. I love my friends more than I do my family 5. I found my soul mate once in the form of a pooch - my lil Zeppelin, he was my soul mate if ever I had one 6. I have no desire to ever be married, hell not sure I ever want another committed relationship at this point 7. I think that stupidity drives people to do even dumber things than they ever thought possible 8. I believe that there are things in life that just can not be forgiven, moved past but never forgiven 9. I don’t believe people when they say the drugs or alcohol made them do it - I firmly believe you only do things that you would do anyway but have found an “out” for 10. I don’t believe in making excuses for behavior no matter what they are - I do what I want and make no apologies for doing so 11. I do not ask anyone to do something that I myself would not do and expect the same respect from them, and this applies in ALL areas of life 12. I have a stressful job that I learned quickly that most people only pretend to have respect for 13. I love sex and would spend my life in bed if I could 14. I will not waste my time on a lover who is no good - past the age where I want to train people completely - I’ll work with a good subject to train properly but not completely 15. I have rules about sex and if I think I may have sex with you I will share them with you - there are not that many though so it is a short talk 16. I do enjoy some things in bed that others consider freaky or kinky but will not change that part of me for others 17. I am a much more dominate than submissive person and have only met a few people in life that I would even consider being submissive to 18. I believe that sex is a two way street no matter what type of sex you engage in that each person has to give as much as they take 19. I think that the people that we find in life and connect with instantly that we should not so easily give up 20. I cry when my friends cry because I don’t want to see them hurting 21. I live my life the way I want and to please only me never anyone else 22. I do who I want, when I want, where I want, and how I want and don’t answer questions about it later 23. I think if you are in a monogamous relationship that you need to make sure that the other person feels the same way that you do 24. I think that just because you love someone with all you have does not mean that person even thinks of you at all 25. I don’t think you should ever take anything for granted in life no matter how small or reasonable it seems to do so 26. I think that you can only truly hate someone you once loved and that hate will eventually go away because you will remember why you once loved them 27. I think that people take sex too seriously and need to lighten up about the matter 28. I think that most days life is too serious to be taken seriously so we need to laugh and move on 29. You should treat everything in life as a puppy - if you can’t eat it or chew it piss on it and walk away 30. You should remember that when you are getting fucked by life to add lube, bite your lip, and enjoy the ride 31. Oh my favorite thought ever (which I sent via text to everyone) sometimes happiness is just a tongue away so you should always be a good friend and stick out your tongue 32. Lastly I will leave you with this - unless they are in your bed with you don’t worry about who they are fucking it’ll only hurt you in the end

These are 10 things that I decided that I want in a man . . . These aren’t the only 10 things but these ones are pretty damn important I think. I’m not sure why or where these came to me but well they did . . . So enjoy!!!!!!!! 1. A man who wants to be with me more than he wants to fuck my friends . . . I know damn good and well my friends are gorgeous but that doesn’t mean I want to hear it from you all the time. 2. A man who is going to be open minded enough to listen to anything I have to say . . . I’m not saying you have to agree with me just listen to what I have to say. 3. A man who isn’t going to judge me by my past whether it be things I have done or the things I have not done . . . Realize that my past is mine and not yours and it is what has made me who I am. 4. A man who I can freely be myself with without fear of what he will say or think . . . If I have to pretend to be something that I am not then I am never going to be happy. 5. A man who understands that I am not a happy perky or chipper girl and am never going to want to be those things . . . I am a dark humored and sarcastic person and enjoy being this way. 6. A man who realizes that my life is mine and his life is his and we do not have to try to combine every aspect of them . . . I like having a life apart from my man and need him to feel the same way. 7. A man who understands that we are not going to like all the same things and be ok with that . . . We are separate people and that will never change. 8. A man who is not jealous of other men that I am around . . . Because he knows no matter what I am coming home to him. 9. A man who will let me try whatever I want with my life and not laugh for too long when it doesn’t work . . . Hopefully realizing that all these things are a part of who I am. 10. A man who is going to let me be myself sexually no matter what that means . . . Because I do everything in my power to please him he should do the same for me.

~What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? . . . . Hmm well I can promise you that if I fuck you that I will not get emotionally attached to you, so ya game? ~Are you a jealous person? . . . . What am I supposed to be jealous of? There are days that I am envious of Tig if that counts ~Does it get annoying when somebody says they'll call you, but doesn't? . . . . To me not so much but after I hunt them down and beat them repeatedly with their phone they maybe a little annoyed then ~If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest, what would you say? . . . . “If I fuck you I’ll have to kill you and you just aren’t worth the prison time, now scurry along like a good little idiot” ~Are you picky about spelling and grammar? . . . . Uhm, next question ~Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? . . . . If there are more than two numbers in the total I can’t manage to comprehend the addition so I just throw the box down and run over it with my cart screaming “you’ll never make me conform, fuck you corn flakes” ~What was the last thing to scare you? . . . . Well when I opened your drawer last night and those nude pics of George W fell out I was scared you might be going Republican there for a minute ~When was the last time you slept on the floor? . . . . I guess that would have been when I had that dead hooker on my bed and no one here to help me move her off, I can’t sleep with a corpse people will talk ~Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive? . . . . Well in my defense he had a pulse and I am pretty sure at least half a tooth and I mean there was no one else around and shit forget I mentioned that ~Do you enjoy traveling via airplanes? . . . . They have all these rules now and just because I want to take a stick or two of dynamite on vacation with me they get all worked up and start throwing big words at me ~Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? . . . . Well hell that is one of my requirements for dating ~Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date? . . . . He should just pay the agreed upon price and stop seeing it as a date, just hand her the money and take her back to her corner already ~Which do you make - wishes or plans? . . . . Seriously do I look like Martha Stewart to you, I do not make anything ~Has anyone told you a secret this week? . . . . Yes but I’m sure it wasn’t contagious ~Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? . . . . I would rather Photoshop the pics of you to make it look like you are molesting the dog and then call PETA and show them and see how far you will go to prove you aren’t fucking Fluffy ~If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? . . . . I promise you it is not Asian hooker ~How many siblings do you have? . . . . Well there was Fluffy until you drove her to jump in front of that train denying your love for her and all ~Who is in the house with you? . . . . I don’t know but the last call came from within the house so it’s a matter of time really ~What did you do last night? . . . . I was standing outside your window watching you masturbate to pictures of puppies ~What does the 5th text on your cell phone say? . . . . “The sores are where? I swear my test was negative. Ok how much for the Penicillin?” ~What are you eating right now? . . . . Your innocence ~What bothers you the most about the opposite sex? . . . . For some reason or other they all seem to breathe and I’m not sure why they do it so often ~What is the thing you look for in the preferred sex? . . . . A pulse ~What was the first thing a girl bought for you? . . . . Do restraining orders count as a gift? ~What do you want for your b'day? . . . . Your soul ~Do you have an air freshener in your car? . . . . Nope just snort a bunch of coke so I don’t think about the smells ~If you could drink anything right this second, what would be? . . . . Well there was this chalice of blood I had my eye on yesterday --

1. I've come to realize that my butt: Is never going to be small 2. I've come to realize that when I talk : No one listens 3. I've come to realize that, if I love someone: It doesn’t mean that they love me 4. I've come to realize that I need: Something to keep me busy 5. I've come to realize that I lost: Too many things that are important to me 6. I've come to realize that I hate it when: People can’t be honest 7. I've come to realize that, if I'm drunk: I am spending time with people I love 8. I've come to realize that, marriage: Is not meant for everyone 9. I've come to realize that I have a lot of: People who would do anything they can for me 10. I've come to realize that, I'll always be: Myself no matter who tries to change me 11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on: Only people that I shouldn’t 12. I've come to realize that, the last time I cried: Needs to be the last for those reasons 13. I've come to realize that my cell phone Needs to be replaced 14. I've come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning: I am a bitch to be around 15. I've come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night ... I need to clear my mind 16. I've come to realize that, right now I am thinking about: Finding happiness in my life 18. I've come to realize that, when I get online: I spend more time than I plan on 19. I've come to realize that, today I will: Be a better person than I was yesterday 20. I've come to realize that, tonight I will: Talk to people that I need to talk to 21. I've come to realize that, tomorrow I will: Sort out the things that I couldn’t today 22. I've come to realize that I really want to: Find my place in life

I was talking with someone the other day about finding pieces of you in others. How you search your entire life to find the pieces of yourself that were once lost and now you must find in others. How you seek out these people instinctively because you know they hold a piece of you within them, you just need to figure out what that piece is. That made me stop and think about the way I have thought for a long time now. Before the other day I had no other way to explain my feelings on this to people, so about a year or so ago I wrote a blog on myspace about finding your soul mate. It was in this blog that I explained that I didn’t think that everyone only had one soul mate that they are searching their life for. . .that they have many, one to fit each facet of their life. I know I have so many people that I know that I have no other way to explain why we are as we are except that it is meant to be that way. It was in this blog that I explained that each of the friends in my life that I hold so very dear to me is a soul mate of mine in some way. We connect on a level higher than what others can see. We know something about the other without ever knowing how it is we came to know this. These are the people that I need in my life, the people that fulfill me, who make me complete, who make me want to live another day. It was also in this blog that I talked about meeting people when you need them most and losing them once their purpose has been served. Yes, it was a very spiritually guided blog in many ways, different from my norm, but very enlightening and cleansing at the same time. I still feel this way of course it is just now I have another way to explain it. I can now explain that these people are a part of me that was lost so long ago. These are the pieces of my puzzle that I need to connect in order to be a whole once again. I can’t remember ever being whole of course but the fact is that you can’t be fragmented unless you were once whole. I’ve met these people who fill my empty places in so many different places and in so many different ways. I have met them at work, on the street, at concerts, at home, and online . . . They are everywhere. I’ve been lucky to find some here close to home that I can see and speak with whenever I want, but others are further away and not as easily accessible. The people that hold my missing pieces are just as jagged and torn and ragged as the puzzle pieces that they are. Not one of them has a straight edge or predictable curve. There is no rhyme or reason to anything that they do, they just simply are . . . Just as I simply am. I know these people when I meet them right away due to this ruggedness and rough around the edges attitude that I hold. I know that the people I find can’t be holding a piece of me if they are too straight laced. I have some people who are much more buttoned down than I am in my life of course but I also have some who are much freer than I am. We mesh together so beautifully though. Our worlds collide and sparks fly. I love these people with every ounce of me for whom and what they are and would never expect them to be anything else. We hold the pieces of one another that the other can’t bear to hold on their own. I have found that I carry strength for many people; I am the strength that they need that they themselves do not have. I am the calm leveled headed person that others need; they can’t be rational and so I am for them. I am just plain common sense for others. I am a brain for some who can only think with their heart, so I am there to think with my mind for them. I am judgment for others because they can’t control themselves. Then there are a select few that I am just the one who will always be there to listen and take away the tears when no one else is capable. I have friends who do the same for me and I am sure you do to, just may not have ever thought about it. I have friends that I take out drinking because they allow me the freedom to be me but with a safety net. I have friends that feel my emotions for me because I can’t always feel them on my own. I have friends who reassure me constantly because I am in a constant state of disorder and need to believe that everything will work itself out in the end. I have friends who will sit and cry with me for no reason and never tell a soul that they did so. I have friends who will stab a man in the heart with a knife just because he made me cry. I have friends who make me feel like I belong and that is priceless. So, why all of this thinking? I don’t know, I guess because I am trying to change things in my life recently. I am trying to make adjustments in life so that I can find happiness one day. I am trying to find the last of the pieces that complete me fully so that I can move forward in life. I know that there are a few big pieces still missing and of course hundreds of little ones. I need to find the few big pieces though in order to feel whole and be comfortable with it. The entire idea in life is to be complete and content and I think sometimes I lose sight of that. I think I try to make life more about being full and happy rather than complete and content. I forget how great content can feel at the end of the day . . . To know that everything is as it supposed to be and all is well. I confuse full with complete as well. I forget that to be complete can consist of very few things in life, but to be full means that you always need more. I guess sometimes as we age and we meet people that we never would have spoken to in the past and realize that they hold something of us in them that something new is bound to open up for us. I am ready to find my pieces and journey on into wherever I am going with whoever is going with me by my side. I’m feeling very spiritual and confident about all of this at the moment and almost sure that this is the right thing to be doing. It feels right to lay some things off to the side and proceed on my inner journey through my outward path. I’m ready to find others and bring them with me. I’m ready to see just how much this Wicked Lil Girl can endure in life before things start to go her way . . . Wish me luck all and who knows some of you may become a part of my journey.