Do you ever wonder why in the world we are creatures who must torture others in order for us to truly feel human? Why is the pain of others such a need for us to inflict? Or, even better yet, why must we inflict this pain upon those who we claim we care for the most in life?
Yeah so I am a bit jaded in the area at the moment seeing as how my heart has been violently ripped from my chest while the words "I didn't want to hurt you" were spewed in my face. I was just knocked face first into the burning agony of rejection by the very man who swore he would love me forever and that he had never been as happy as he was when he was with me. It's funny how that seems to always happen isn't it? You start to believe that someone really does care and as soon as you feel secure in that knowledge you are fucking slapped in the face and reminded that you are still just as alone as you were before.
I find it a bit puzzling that one day he can look at me and tell me he found a place for us to live that was what we had been looking for and then not ever twenty-four hours later tell me that his feelings for me had changed and that he no longer desires me the way he once did. Ok, I am not stupid I know it means this and that but the idea of the carrying on of a charade of love and honesty puzzles me. I am pretty sure I know what has happened and why he has really left me, but I will never get the truth from him . . . he will stick to the story that I didn't do anything and that his feelings just changed . . . BULLSHIT!!!!!!
The fact is you can not be totally in love with a person the way he claimed to be then just not be . . . something triggers that change - another person, an event, stress, many things, but none-the-less something triggers it. The sad truth though is that I do love him the way I claimed and I can't be angry with him. If he isn't happy then he needs to find what makes him happy - I do hate that it isn't me, but I don't get to make those choices. I love him enough to let him go and let him find what he needs to make himself happy - enough to sit and suffer while I know he is moving on without looking back - enough to sacrifice you get the idea.
I just don't know why it is that he had the need to hurt me the way he did. Did it make him feel like more of a man to know that I loved him enough to cry over him? He knew I wouldn't beg him to stay with me but was he maybe hoping I would? Does it give him some sick satisfaction to know he has the power to make someone miserable? We are such horrifying creatures to one another aren't we? We disregard the emotions and lives of others in our relentless pursuit of self satisfaction - when the cold hard truth is that we often times find out later that we had what we wanted all along and lost it becasue we craved more.
I wrote him a letter today for him to pick up when he gets the rest of his clothes. In this letter I told him that I hope he finds who he feels will make him happy but that he needs to figure himself out first. He needs to figure out what he wants, who he wants, and who he can let go of so that he can get to where he wants to be. I then told him to think long and hard before he makes decisions that he can't change . . . be wary of letting go of those that you may one day realize you need . . . not to make quick judgements when under so much stress because there are things in life that once you lose them they are never coming back.
I am trying to deal with the pain and suffering that all of this has brought about for me right now . . . I have always told everyone that you can't let go until there is no hope of anything left to hold onto - I am now slowly letting the last shreds of it slip thru my fingers . . . all will be lost soon enough. I will just never understand the need to punish those who would do anything to help you be who you want to be . . . humans are fucked up creatures in the end
