It’s here folks. The annual consumer frolic into the shopping season that makes the running of the bulls look like Miss America’s stroll down the runway is here. Mom’s sitting in her lounger watching one night watching Survivor and accidentally gets so involved in whether Bill form Kentucky is going to make the cut after receiving that nasty mosquito bite to the arm, and before she knows it she’s watching a commercial where snow is falling all around a brightly lit house of a guy giving his wife the most impassioned look since their wedding vows just for giving him an electric razor that right out of the box has made his face not only stubble free but as smooth as a baby’s ass. That’s when mom hears a delicate yet forceful and guiding sound from the magical flutes of retailers, which in the next 9 weeks will have her using her credit cards with all the caution of Terrell Owens at a press conference.
Mom immediately grabs a paper and pencil and starts writing down names and thoughts. Her oldest son Mick was just promoted to manager and nothing would adorn his desk at work that that Chia Rolodex they had 3 pallets of sitting in the isles at Wal-Mart. Her granddaughter Chelsea seems permanently attached to her iPod these days, so she just knows some new CD’s to play in it would go over big. Before going to bed she takes 5 outfits out of her closet before deciding the blue pants suit will be comfortable enough for a day at the mall while still hiding any stains she’ll pick up at the food court.
I know what a lot of you are saying – “I do most of my shopping online. No way am I going to fight those crowds.” Think of that the next time you spend 15 minutes clicking refresh, trying to get the LL Bean website to display a picture of that wool coat that it’s taken you another 15 minutes to trace from their email. Somebody has covered all their bases, gang. The same geeks with pocket savers and Hushpuppies that put the items with a high mark-up in the more accessible areas of the store have also taken your hand and lead you from those emails on a three hour tour that winds through their entire new line all the way to the “place order” button, like a taxi driver that spends 15 minutes circling the block to get you across the street to a restaurant for $7.
But then there’s always the gift card. Nothing better tells mom and dad you care than brightly colored envelop stuffed with a certificate redeemable at their favorite eatery, aside form the fact you don’t have to necessarily be across the table from them when they use it. Here’s some statistics – unused gift cards are the new billion dollar business. They are the second most popular gift listed by consumers who also surprisingly reveal that 19% of the cards given to them go unused, which is probably a conservative figure. An estimated 23.3 million Americans have over $972 million in unredeemed gift cards. So don’t think that just because you didn’t give dad another Sponge Bob tie this year that you are safe, because even though he may not be fighting through his closet to find something tasteful, he still might be thumbing over a few colored envelopes every time he pays bills and thinking, “I got to remember to grab that the next time…”
Don’t let it get you down. Aside from all the cosmetic pageantry tempered with the sporadic feeling you get when you give someone a perfect gift, it’s still a fun time. There’s nothing like laughing at a set of Three Stooges club covers or something with blades that chops carrots in the shape of hearts to bring a chuckle to face covered by a tired brow. The magical thing is, people do care about you enough to remember you. Even if they aren’t perfect enough to remember you don’t live within 50 miles of a Cracker Barrel.
