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Looking back now, I understand more about the human spirit, about family, and about myself. But four years ago all I could only think of two things - surviving, and how grateful I was for another day on Earth.
Four years ago on this day I had my first real meal in weeks. It was greasy and lacked flavor, but it filled my belly. But more importantly it took a huge weight off my mind, because for months I had wondered how to get to sleep at night with a very empty stomach. When I lay down that night I knew hunger was one item off my list and I could concentrate on other things. But more importantly now, I think, I learned a lot.
In the months before I had access to food again, things happened to me that I chalked up to my string of bad luck. Weeks went by as I emptied out my pantry. I would look at a quart jar of beans someone had canned for me 10 years before and think, 'Ten years? Is it safe to eat that?', but I had no choice. I could make a quart jar of beans last two days. I'm no longer ashamed to say this, but I found boxes of mac and cheese a few years old which of course had bugs in them. I picked out the bugs and ate it. I would sleep a lot during the day so that I could hold off eating until almost bed time, so as not to go to bed on an empty stomach. I learned fear and forlorn were as formidable an enemy as hunger.
Once I asked someone if they could buy me some flour and lard. They did, but I learned the feeling I got from asking for help, and seeing a condescending look on someone's face tore my insides worse than hunger. My neighbors had an apple tree, and most of the apples went to waste after rolling down the hill into a ditch where our properties met. After dark, I gathered as many apples as I could and would bake pies - one pie, four slices, four days of food. I remember looking forward to those meals. I remember looking in the refrigerator and thinking, 'If I can just be hungry a few more hours, I get a slice of pie!'.
The most important lesson I learned back then was that it takes an extraordinary amount of courage and humility to ask for help. Once my aunt and uncle were in town. I was very proud of them, as they had retired and were living in a luxurious RV, traveling across the USA doing charity work in affiliation with their church. They offered to take me to lunch at a buffet and I fasted a couple days beforehand. I was not the least embarrassed at the trips I made to the buffet! It was nice to get to talk to them, too. As we ate and talked, I thought about how to ask them for help. Surely $50 would not be too much to ask for. As we walked to their car I summoned more courage than I ever knew I had and asked, "Hey, I have...absolutely no food in the house. At all. Could you guys maybe loan me $20 so I could get maybe some hamburger and buns or..." Yeah, I decided $20 would go over better than $50. This is when I learned the most important lesson of my entire life. I learned exactly what it takes to ask a question like that, how need has to exceed incredible embarrassment, and how long it takes to get that lump out of your throat.
They both in unison shook their heads in a kind of disgust, "No, no sorry. No...no!"
I wanted to choke them. Not for the money, but I wanted to scream, "A simple NO and a smile would have worked just fine! And if wanted to humiliate me with that look, mission accomplished, you bible-banging hypocrites!" But I am thankful that I was reminded that most people are charitable as long as they have a big enough audience, and how organized religion is an incredible farce for most people.
By the way, I spoke with them a couple weeks ago, almost four years later. I was pleasant with them and sat there smiling as I felt cash in my pocket. I thought of how nice it would have been, for all of us, if I had been able to pull $30 out of my pocket, given it to them and say, "Here's that money I borrowed 4 years ago, plus interest. You will never know how much it meant!"
I can't tell you how many nights back in that summer of 2008 my stomach hurt from hunger, how many nights I cried myself to sleep or did not sleep from self pity. All I can tell you is I did grow stronger, and the lessons I learned will serve me for the rest of my life.
