From the Fred McMurray News service, East Pelahatchie MS.
Released 2 Jun 2007.
Intrepid journalist Jimmy Changa, usually reserved for reviews of Mexican restaurants, is this months' contributor to our on-going column.
1. The first bomb dropped on Berlin in WWII killed an elephant in the Berlin zoo. What was the REAL target? The monkey house?
2. Due to lack of refinery capacity, the US now imports 11% of it's GASOLINE. Not crude oil, gas. These overseas refineries are not accustomed to the boutique blends demanded by US locales, and charge outrageous prices for the service. Want cheaper gas? Build some new refineries, a thing not done since the 70's.
3. Ever seen the tiny bulbs in your dash board, the idiot lights that tell you that you have some sort of problem, ever seen them burn out? I drive a 1992 Volvo, which has steadfastly told me it needs service since the day I first drove it. This light comes on because only a Volvo technician can make it go off, and I don't want to pay $437 for this feat of engineering. The bulb will NOT die, and it is about the size and equally admired as a bed-bug. I have a lamp next to my bed, with a Godzilla-sized bulb in it compared to the idiot light in my car. Since the day I got the car, I have replaced the bulb in the bed-side lamp approximately 84,962 times. This bulb always seems to fail when I am in diligent search for my socks. Why is this?
4. The most popular form of poker in the USA is "Texas no limit hold 'em". The most popular form of poker in the rest of the world is "Omaha". The difference is that Omaha is basically the same game except more cards are involved and much harder to figure out what the heck is going on. What does this mean in the grand scheme of things? Does it mean that Americans are overly concerned about card conservation? Too many things to think about are abhorrant to Americans? Why is it that all forms of poker are named for obscure places in America? French poker goes like this: Everyone puts in their ante. Deal the cards and everyone folds. When everyone is out of chips, the govt takes all the money. Liberal poker goes like this: Only one player ever puts in an ante, and gets no cards to play with. The rest of the players then divide up his ante, and no winner declared as it might hurt someones' feelings. Conservative poker goes like this: DEFINATELY, no one ever takes any clothing off, no wild cards are allowed, and everyone cheats like hell. Every hand ends in a tie, with everyone having 5 aces. Winner is decided by quickest draw of fire-arms. Chinese poker goes like this: The dealer deals out every card in the deck, and no one can figure out what the heck is going on.
5. What was Sirhan Sirhans' middle name? He is the only assasin in History that we do not know this thing. John Wilkes Booth. Lee Harvey Oswald. Mark David Chapman. My money is on the bet that Sirhan Sirhans' middle name was Fred. Or Sirhan.
6. The human belly button attracts lint like no other cavity in creation. We should all hire an illegal alien to inhabit our clothes dryer. Lint build-up in clothes dryers is the most common cause of house fires.
7. In one of the most ironical twists of fate, it has now been reported that researchers are injecting oysters with viagara. It has always been the case that oysters will put lead in your pencil even if you have no one to write to. So what mayhem will result in the average customer who eats an oyster injected with viagara? Will he not go on some sort of Bill Clinton fantasy rampage? Hide the women!
8. The most addictive drugs known to man are Cocaine, tobacco, opiates, booze, cannabis (pot), and football. What do they all have in common? They are all derived from plants! Cocaine from the coca plant. Tobacco from the Marlboro tree. Opiates from poppies. Booze from barley, hops, and yeast. Pot from the weed. Football from the couch potatoe. And we are all encouraged to become vegetarians?! Ever seen anyone on a serious jones for a Whopper with cheese? No! Ever seen anyone rob a gas station to satisfy his craving for a big mac? No! I say "Let us kill all the vegetarians".
9. No examination of "hmmmm" is complete without some thought of socks, that noblest of garment, but yet disparaged as smelly subject. What is the stink about? No one thinks about the importance of socks, how versatile they truly are, or how politically correct they are. The sock, the only human accesory that might come in a pair not distinguished by left or right, uncaring of size, not discriminating as to sex, but yet hidden to all! The proud sock-wearer will wear them with sandals! The scoffers will wear boots without them. The wisest of daily dressers do not choose their socks by color, but rather by thickness. What other garment can you still enjoy without embarrassment, by simply turning the hole in the heel towards the ankle? And if you have a dirth of supply, wear one pair of socks till they get crunchy and then just turn them inside-out? As you examine all these important matters, I have yet another question. Where the heck are my socks? Why do they hide from me so? The crafty buggers! It seems always that you have one lone sock and unable to find the mate, but if you at long last find the missing link by excavating Peru... the one you had eagerly awaiting the mate is now lost to all..NASA cannot find it in the known universe...emptying the freezer seldom helps... you keep an eye out for stray dogs, but it does not get you anywhere, nor should it... in fact, there is no answer to this cosmic puzzle. It will only be revealed to us in heaven I suppose. The answer will likely be "No sox before the big game".
10. No list is complete without 10 items. Dave Letterman will tell you so. But this list has only 9 items, which should make you go "hmmmmm"...
