Comedy routine script
(Walks out to Microphone in suit, much cheering from crowd)
“Thank you, thank you… I’m different than most comedians. Most come out and tell you their name. I always thought that was strange… here’s a room fulla people that PAID to get in, and they don’t know why? I’ll be here in Vegas all week… might be here a lot longer if they catch me making casino chips in my room… I was almost busted at the craps table yesterday… the croupier scooped my chip off of the table and said HEY this ain’t a $500 chip…. This a Frito! Hey buddy, didn’t you play this number? He’s looking at me… I always wondered how they keep track of who’s chips were on what number… I said “No hable Englais, gringo… Brunos Snowshoes…”
(Splice in film of people laughing at a real comedian)
“I’m here tonight to ask for your vote. Yes, I’m running for President of these United States of America…”
(Splice in film of crowd cheering a football game)
“Grimplesnarf for President! Go Go Grimp! Give ‘em all a limp! Unn Un-gowwa, we got that beer power! I wanna be the first President ever elected under an assumed name. It’s my Internet name. I want to attract young people and the other 70% of us who don’t vote, because we think all politics is a JOKE! So, what better way to do it than run WITH jokes? And I’m gonna WIN! Because I’m not running as a Democrat or a Replican… I have made my own party, for the vast majority out there sick and tired of the BOTH of ’em, who can’t do anything but bitch at each other. My party is the MORE party, which stands for Middle Of the Road Extremists! We MUST do nothing, and we MUST do it NOW! At the MORE party, we party MORE!
(Splice in film of a lot of people scratching their heads)
“If elected President, I will do some stuff, most of which I ain’t telling ya what it is till I get there, cuz the REAL politicians will try to make a bunch of rules to prevent it if they know what’s coming. But if elected, there ARE some things I’ll do that I’ll tell you about now….
“I will make a rule against electronic components being made in black plastic cases, with all the connection info on the back in little tiny black letters… when you have a problem with it, it doesn’t work after you have it all hooked up, the “Customer Service” guys on the phone always want you to check these tiny black numbers on the BACK of something… you can’t even see squat, because you have it hooked up already, and the minute you put the phone down to grab the unit, they’ll hang up on you. I will also make a rule that “Customer Service must ALWAYS give the option to talk to a LIVE HUMAN BEING FIRST, not after making you punch a bunch of buttons on the phone… and they always start the next question before you can get the phone back to your ear…
“I had a problem with my phone recently… no dial tone, and I had folks coming in from out of town who were supposed to call me when they got there, so I could come pick them up. I get frantic… I call the people who made the stinking phone, which I had only used once to make sure it worked. I did what everyone does, once you have it working, you throw away the manual or everyone would need to rent a warehouse for all the manuals… you get manuals when you buy a stick of gum these days… “Warning, do not operate this eating device while consuming a baloney sandwich, it will taste like shit… But luckily, I still had the Spainish manual hanging around… at least I could get the phone number from that… So I called the number… was told I had to call a different number… 5 STINKING TIMES… they do this cuz they know even if you do manage to write them all down, you’ll forget which one actually gets thru and have to do it all over again… and don’t you know, the only number that DOES go thru, isn’t toll free… probly costs $50 a minute, because you are actually calling Bangladesh…
(Splice in film of people from the 40’s laughing at something, wearing Fedoras and cat-eye glasses)
…“so after poking about a Brazillion numbers into the phone, I get a real human being…
“Hello, this is Bob”… (In my Bangladeshi accent)
“No, this ain’t BOB, this is Sahib, you’re lying to me already!
(Bob) “How may I help you today?”
(Me)“This brand new phone that I paid $60 bucks for, no worky. “
(Bob) I am very sorry to hear that…”
(Me) No you ain’t or you’d be unemployed… you’re lying to me again!”
(Bob) For me to assist you, I need the correct information from your equipment. I need you to give me the model number, date code, and your bra size…
(Me) And where might those be? Don’t tell me… on the back, in tiny black numbers
(Bob) Yes sir…
(Me) 5 minutes go by as I dig the adapter out from under my desk amongst the spaghetti of other wires down there… I give him the numbers… he hasn’t hung up on me… yet… but I know he wants to…
(Bob) “Tell me sir… is the unit plugged in?”
(Me) “No you idiot, the numbers are on the adapter! You mean it has to be plugged in to work? SHAZZAM! Yeah, I have it plugged into my ass-hole! And I keep getting wrong numbers from San Francisco!”
(Bob) You must call the phone company and ensure that your lines are working properly first.
(Me) Why didn’t you tell me that before I busted my spleen under the desk? You’re just trying to pass off the blame to the phone company, aren’t ya, you LIAR! It’s 2AM, the phone company can’t come out here and check my stinking lines! I have guests coming in from out of town!
(Bob) I can’t help you either, I’m in Bangladesh.
(Me) I KNEW IT!!…
Thinking that the problem is really the phone, I go to Wal-mart to get another phone… I’m gonna get the cheapest damn thing they have. I had to plug it into the modem of my computer to get it to work, but it DID work when the $60 phone wouldn’t. I guess someone moving out of the apartment below got ME disconnected from the wall jacks. Its just a cheapo 5 dollar phone… but it has an instruction manual. I read it anyways, just assuming I’ll get a few laughs from it. This is what was in that manual, and this ain’t no joke:
“On the bottom of this equipment is a label (probably a black label with tiny black letters on it) indicating, among other things (what things, I ask?) the US number and Ringer Equivalence Number (REN) for the equipment. You MUST (?) upon request, provide this information to your telephone company”
I MUST? Is this as bad as tearing the tag off your mattress, to lose this label? Are they gonna arrest me? Who says I have to tell the stinking phone company ANYTHING! I didn’t make the damn thing! I don’t know shit about any Ringer Equivalence Number! Here are some more RULES for ME to follow in using this magnificent 5-dollar phone…
* This equipment may not be used on coin service provided by the phone company. (What the HELL does this mean? There’s no place to put COINS in the stupid thing, and where would you put it out in public where someone wouldn’t steal the phone ? Is it just me, or is this EXTREMELY stupid to put in an instruction manual?
* Notice MUST be given to the phone company upon permanent disconnection of YOUR telephone from YOUR line. (MUST? Are the federales gonna swoop down on me if I wanna take a nap without the phone ringing? Exactly WHOSE phone is it, and who paid for it? Whose property is it, and who is paying for the service? I can’t unplug the damn thing if I wanna? I remember when this was a free country… I promise, I’m not making these up!)
* RIGHTS OF THE TELEPHONE COMPANY (Anyone care about MY stinking rights?) Should your equipment connected to the telephone line cause trouble (now I’m a trouble-maker for buying a phone) on your line which may harm the telephone network, the telephone company shall notify you that temporary discontinuance of service may be required. (Immediately, without no notice, if they decide so, it goes on to say! And who is to blame for this faulty equipment? ME? There’s no rule that shoddy equipment buggering up the lines may result in brick-bats to the swine who made the stinking thing? NO! I suffer all penalties! And what is the remedy for this problem, I ask you? Why, go buy another phone!
* Thank you for purchasing an Emerson phone product. (No… thank YOU!)
Thank you, thank you… I’ll be here all week… be sure to tip your waitress, and give her my phone number… I’m gonna get that thing working soon… I just know it… as soon as I get elected…
