3G GoofyGeekyGoddess Teh Hawtness HeartB's blog: "The story of my life."

You can't always know how beautiful life is until it flashes before you. Bits and pieces of you are suddenly a film. Chapter for chapter you relive every moment of your life in what could very well be the end of your lifetime. Black and white becomes your world. There is no more color. Rain dances loudly, pouring down on your blossoming self. All you wanted to know, all you longed to feel... is now a picture. You paint the picture a million times, trying to perfect it. The picture of you in your last moment, the rising of your spirit to the clouded Heavens. Why is it when we reach the clouds, we gain clarity... but we always say how cloudy our mind is to describe the inability to think clearly? I see myself living life by the ocean, painting pictures of my soul. I'd paint pictures of yours as well seeing as I read your book every time I gaze into your eyes or see your smile. All I have to do is close my eyes and I see you. I see all I want to be is with you. You're the completion of me, and I have yet to hold your hand. I want you to hold me. I want you to tell me everything is going to be okay. I want so desperately for the rain to fade and for the rainbow to appear. I don't want a rainbow painted red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet. I've never been that girl. I love beautiful colors, but I want a life simpler than that. I want a black and white rainbow. Black and white rainbows are the most beautiful kind because you can always change the colors inside your mind. You can imagine it to be any way you'd like. I'd love more than anything to be your rainbow as you are mine. I write to you, my soul mate, whomever you may be. I write to you, longing for you to be by my side, writing this book with me.... called our life. I know one day we will paint together by the ocean. It may not be with a brush, but it will be with our laughs, our smiles, our words, our expressions. You are my rainbow. Our love will send the rain to it's death. There will never again be darkness no matter what hour of day it is. You will shine, and I will shine with you. We will be the stars. We will be eternity. Our hearts will unite forevermore under the endless sky of wishes come true. Our life will be a series of black and white rainbows: me and you as one.

If you know me, you know I have a delicious sense of humor. You know that no matter how shitty life is, I still find reason to laugh. You have to understand that no matter how hard the rain pours, it will never drown my laughter. I possess a most beautiful gift from the Heavens: a sense of humor. As a baby, I had a belly deep laugh that made everybody smile. As a child, I was the class clown. I even had teachers roaring in laughter with my uncontrollable urge for being funny. I remember back in junior high how I used to torture my classmates. Naturally, I REGRET it... but it was entertaining to me. I am not by any means perfect. I have never and will never pretend to be so. Right now I am in a very difficult position awaiting the results to find out what is causing my health issues. It could be any number of things. I've been through more in my twenty eight years of life than most of you will ever go through. I am not stronger than you, but I am more in tune with wisdom and resilience because of all I've been through. I have fought long and hard for many years to survive all the obstacles that life has presented me with. Every day, we, as human beings... fight a war. The war is life and what pain it can cause you. My best advice to all of you is to choose your weapons carefully. Some of us choose alcohol. Some of us choose drugs. Some of us choose sex. Some of us choose artistic outlets. Some of us choose addictions of other kinds such as television, video games, talking on the phone, smoking, or surfing the internet. Given that I've been addicted to alcohol, drugs, television, video games, talking on the phone and smoking myself... I fully understand your need to disconnect from the real world. We all go through it, but we have to realize that life is something that is far too precious for us to waste away in addictions. I recommend you take the time to realize that you have more to live for. Life is bigger and better than addictions. So in this war we call life, I suggest you choose a weapon. My most valuable weapon of choice has and always will be my sense of humor. Following closely behind is my creativity. Mind you, I find this internet extravaganza to be my social outlet temporarily speaking while I readjust to society. Laughter will always get you through. It brings you to a place of happiness that sometimes we long for. I know in my heart if I did not have my sense of humor, I would not exist. Life would have been too much for me to handle. I never want to be a statistic. For what is currently happening in my life has made me realize that I am a fighter. You can never in a million years bring me down. I will not be victimized by pessimism. Optimism is the only air I breathe. I will laugh as my heart dances in joy of being alive. You know how to shoot a gun? If you do, that's wonderful. However, do you know how to overcome heartache? Do you know how to ease tension? Do you know how to relieve stress? Do you know how to make yourself smile? Do you know how to make a rainbow out of the rain? I have the best weapon for you, if you'd like to try it. Humor: my weapon of choice. Perhaps it should be yours as well. :) Laugh it off and be on your merry way on the road of life. I wish all of you the best in your journeys. Remember your weapons. ;)

It was my birthday yesterday. I loved feeling like a fu princess with my VIP stat. I would be ever so grateful if somebody would do me the honor of paying for my VIP status. It expires on the 29th (tomorrow) and I can't fathom the idea of losing my VIP. I need to keep my VIP status so I can keep all of my photographs up. They are not all self pictures. Some of them are of random objects, nature and what have you. I'd be very appreciative, so please let me know if you'd be willing to pay for my VIP? Your question: WHY DON'T I PAY FOR IT? I am not yet employed. As some of you know I haven't been able to work because I was sick for a great number of years from the medications I was wrongly prescribed. I nearly died from them because of Drug Induced Lupus. I am going to begin volunteering this Spring so as to get used to people again.... and soon after I will seek employment.

For so many years I found myself using you as my weapon of choice. My flower self struggled like a warrior to blossom in the ashes of the crystal ball. So often I sat in the mouth of Mother Earth to escape the prison of your "love". I internalized the pain you "inflicted" , becoming my own prey. The secrets my heart hold to this day are kept safe by wisdom. Nobody knows all of what happened between us: the inner child and the woman I am now. The things we had to endure together were never okay. The ways we dealt with the pain were like ghosts do: playing the tapes over and over, trying to make sense of things. I don't regret not knowing you as well as I should have. We had to part so early in life to survive. You know how things were. I kept your letters. Remember the way you used to make up stories about people to lessen your own pain? Your lies were escape. They were also more ammunition for what took place. Nobody knows what, who, where or when. It's best to keep some things in the painting. Not every story needs to be told. I paint my fears away when the sun shines. I remember what a beautiful day it is, even if there's a storm brewing outside. Knowing you, my inner child, brought me those gifts. You were thrown in front of many trains in your few years of being. The trains are faded. Now you can walk along the road of life with your wings of steel. You've been given another chance to breathe, to dance, to laugh, to be yourself with no consequences to pay for being YOU. Go ahead and roam the land of life and love. There are no more chains. You will not be tortured for your wonder. I am now a woman, but you can forever live, laugh and love within me. I will keep you safe and sound. Dance as you please, little angel. Grow as you need, deserving flower. You are finally home again... and we walk as one. We are one. I am Megan, a woman very wise... and a child at heart. I am finally free to be me. So here, at 28, is where I begin painting my life as it should be: my life. It's never too late to paint a fairytale for a princess.

Above the mountain The mountain An eagle Is flying High above the mountain An eagle calling down To the soldier who faulters The soldier on the ground By the mountain I feel nothing For in my own heart Every tree is broken The first tree will not blossom The second will not grow The third is almost fallen Since you betrayed me so Since you

I sat in the dining room chair by the sliders, watching as Saturn sleepily danced over the moon. I couldn't tune into myself so as to see the future, so I simply decided I had to go outside so I could watch in silence from the deck. The snow crunched underneath my boots. I felt like a child again, remembering the days when I used to feel so free. Silence was there when I needed her most. I could always count on silence when I was in nature. Mother Earth is silence. Clarity is silence. I am silence. I stood there in the cold, watching my breath fade into the night sky. I smiled and I danced a little to keep myself warm. Looking around me at all the stars that stood still in the universe while the moon was changing, I came to realize... "Things change, but still they stay the same." I remember how I was alone when the New Year arrived. I cried because I never again wanted to be that woman. I never again want to be alone in my shell, clinging to dreams. I instead want to be the woman who dares to LIVE her dreams. I was in awe of the moon as I stood there in the cold, watching the beauty of the sky. I wanted more than anything to have somebody to share it with. I know in my heart some lucky bastard will be by my side, one day soon enough. One week from today, I will be twenty eight years old. 97 months have gone by since I last had a man bring me out to dinner and hold my hand. I've never been looked in the eyes and told how loved I am by a man. I don't see that as happening for me anytime soon because I have to find myself. I have to know what I want before I know who I want and what I want out of a relationship. I know my angels will lead me to the right man when the right time comes. I know his angels will lead him to me. February 22, 2008 is my ninth year of sobriety. YAY MEG!!!!!! I'm quite thrilled with myself for maintaining a sober lifestyle despite the many grievances that have made themselves present in my life throughout the years. I am STILL realizing my inner strength. I so often underestimated the power of myself. This morning I read a quotation that spoke volumes to me: "Behind every successful woman is herself." I see that now. I see that all I really ever needed was within. It doesn't mean I am not grateful for the support that I have. It does not mean that I am not happy to have good people around me. It does not mean that I can solely depend on myself. It simply means that I am the one who knows what I need to do. I will reach out into the universe and I will find my face. I will find my heart. I will paint my dreams into a motion picture. I will not stand again in the cold, wishing I had somebody to share that moment with. I will never again be that woman. I will not stand by as I watch my dreams slip away from their chances of becoming more than just dreams. I am blessed. I am so blessed to be alive. I am so blessed to have my health. I see that I am the stars and I am the moon. I will change, but pieces of me will remain the same. My life is waiting.... and I am answering that call. I foresee March as being an incredible month for me. I know it will be challenging for me to reintroduce myself into society, but it's a challenge I am very much looking forward to meeting. I will be rich in health, happiness, friends, experiences, laughter, love and so much more. Soon enough, I will never again stand alone as I watch the moon. When the time is right, the ending of my personal Lunar Eclipse will take place. The stars will stay the same and I know they look over at me, not down on me. I will not be that woman that they pity so. I will see you and you will see me, but you will not see me as you used to know me. I want you to see me as I see me. I am a woman with massive potential.... blossoming out of her shell, no longer afraid of what the shadows think. I see my rainbow coming. I know the rain will never have it's way with me again. This has been Meg's Lunar Eclipse Epiphany.

The notes on the piano go silent. The keys have stopped allowing themselves to be played. Time has froze. I can't hear myself think. I grasp the camera in my hand, trying to make sense of this reality. Maybe it will be more real to me once I breathe. I look up and I see a tree growing in the wrong direction held hostage by the power lines. Here I am sitting in the passenger seat, not existing as the person I am deep within. Instead, I am the person wishing who blows on her eyelashes when they fall out. I wish to be set free from the power lines. I know I have to tiptoe ever so softly toward the stars and find out what they have written for me in their opaque pages of fate. Yet a fortune cookie thought lights up inside my head like a light bulb with Chinese symbols painted on it: "Pick up the pieces. Get on with your life." I go into deep thought. The symbol of a white rose etches itself into my minds eye. "Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." I blink. This is for you. Remember when you danced around the chair? You smelled of alcohol. That was your signature scent. You looked at me. I remember that look. Now I see your spirit looking at me with the most soulful of eyes. I remember what you last said to me. You apologized for any pain that you caused the little girl you knew. Well, I apologize for being eggshells. I should have been made of steel. Perhaps then I would not bleed so easily like I do. I bled on the roses I was meant to smell. I forgive you. I was so focused on the scars for so long, that I didn't realize my worth until you stepped up on your make believe soapbox and hugged my dreams. It was only right that I forgave you after you wrote the letter in my sleep. My eyes opened and I breathed. I was alive again. The ashes had formed themselves into a beating heart of a woman. I am that woman. A kleenex falls to the floor. I see you watching me. I don't know where I come from as much as I know where I am going. I smile for the rainbow that is soon to come my way. I inhale and look at myself from the outside. I exhale. I can't be rushed, but I can be inspired. I am not the tree. I will not be kept in line of what the past has burned on my skin. I tear off the mask. I move forward and gaze into the mirror of my soul. I will grow and keep in mind the photograph that brought on the poetry that brought on the song. I am cutting the lines bit by bit. After all it's the truth that need be known. I can only be a sunflower, not a rose. As a wise man said to me: sunflowers are God's beautiful mistake. They look like no other flower and that is why God loves them. I think of the tree. How can you grow if you're always kept in line? You can't. Take chances. Happiness awaits you.

Seeing as I grew up in an abusive household, I took to drugs and alcohol at an early age. I was diagnosed as a depressive as a child, dysthermia was the term to be exact. I was diagnosed as Bipolar when I was in my teens. I was prescribed several medications on and off beginning at the age of nine. When I was about nineteen I came clean, got sober. With that, I also was prescribed Depakote to tame my Bipolar depression. However, I was never Bipolar. I was on Depakote up until the beginning of 2007. I developed Drug Induced Lupus from it. I nearly died. I could not walk, talk, and my heart stopped several times. I am lucky to be alive. My intuition told me it was Lupus, I SOMEHOW managed to research it on the computer to find that there was a medical condition called DRUG INDUCED LUPUS and that was in fact what I had. As a result of that medical condition, I LOST some of my memory and I also developed fibromyalgia. In addition to that I was on Wellbutrin. With Wellbutrin I lost both my short term and long term memories. I am learning something new about myself every day and it seems weird that the very medications that were meant to help me, harmed me. I was depressed on antidepressants. I am now depression free, but I am feeling very stuck. Because I feel stuck, I SOMETIMES feel a little lost. I have to gain back eight years I have lost... in some way, shape or form. I am not your typical person by any means, as many of you realize. I think I have a four leaf clover. So yeah... some of you wanted to know me better, and now I ask of you: do you want to know ME?