I sat in the dining room chair by the sliders, watching as Saturn sleepily danced over the moon. I couldn't tune into myself so as to see the future, so I simply decided I had to go outside so I could watch in silence from the deck. The snow crunched underneath my boots. I felt like a child again, remembering the days when I used to feel so free. Silence was there when I needed her most. I could always count on silence when I was in nature. Mother Earth is silence. Clarity is silence. I am silence. I stood there in the cold, watching my breath fade into the night sky. I smiled and I danced a little to keep myself warm. Looking around me at all the stars that stood still in the universe while the moon was changing, I came to realize... "Things change, but still they stay the same." I remember how I was alone when the New Year arrived. I cried because I never again wanted to be that woman. I never again want to be alone in my shell, clinging to dreams. I instead want to be the woman who dares to LIVE her dreams. I was in awe of the moon as I stood there in the cold, watching the beauty of the sky. I wanted more than anything to have somebody to share it with. I know in my heart some lucky bastard will be by my side, one day soon enough. One week from today, I will be twenty eight years old. 97 months have gone by since I last had a man bring me out to dinner and hold my hand. I've never been looked in the eyes and told how loved I am by a man. I don't see that as happening for me anytime soon because I have to find myself. I have to know what I want before I know who I want and what I want out of a relationship. I know my angels will lead me to the right man when the right time comes. I know his angels will lead him to me. February 22, 2008 is my ninth year of sobriety. YAY MEG!!!!!! I'm quite thrilled with myself for maintaining a sober lifestyle despite the many grievances that have made themselves present in my life throughout the years. I am STILL realizing my inner strength. I so often underestimated the power of myself. This morning I read a quotation that spoke volumes to me: "Behind every successful woman is herself." I see that now. I see that all I really ever needed was within. It doesn't mean I am not grateful for the support that I have. It does not mean that I am not happy to have good people around me. It does not mean that I can solely depend on myself. It simply means that I am the one who knows what I need to do. I will reach out into the universe and I will find my face. I will find my heart. I will paint my dreams into a motion picture. I will not stand again in the cold, wishing I had somebody to share that moment with. I will never again be that woman. I will not stand by as I watch my dreams slip away from their chances of becoming more than just dreams. I am blessed. I am so blessed to be alive. I am so blessed to have my health. I see that I am the stars and I am the moon. I will change, but pieces of me will remain the same. My life is waiting.... and I am answering that call. I foresee March as being an incredible month for me. I know it will be challenging for me to reintroduce myself into society, but it's a challenge I am very much looking forward to meeting. I will be rich in health, happiness, friends, experiences, laughter, love and so much more. Soon enough, I will never again stand alone as I watch the moon. When the time is right, the ending of my personal Lunar Eclipse will take place. The stars will stay the same and I know they look over at me, not down on me. I will not be that woman that they pity so. I will see you and you will see me, but you will not see me as you used to know me. I want you to see me as I see me. I am a woman with massive potential.... blossoming out of her shell, no longer afraid of what the shadows think. I see my rainbow coming. I know the rain will never have it's way with me again. This has been Meg's Lunar Eclipse Epiphany.
