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A little ranting and raving and such.....
Current mood: bitchy
OK. Before anyone that is close to me hears the rumors about me...I am going to set a few things straight. I know that the people downtown hear something then twist it around to be something completely different. I know that one from personal experience. (ie: the many many many many times that I was accused of cheating on jon...and it was just a mixup of words)
Recently Jon and I have been drifting farther and farther apart. And it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that I questioned my love towards him. To me it seems that he doesn't care about me anymore....he just wants me around for a quick screw.....I have been trying and trying to explain to him that the things that he does and the things he says shouln't ever be said to someone that he claims to love. I am constantly called fat, a bitch, a whore, and other choice words. There is too much mental abuse to even start explaining about...Another thing...and I want peoples opinion on it...What is a person to think when their spouse brings home another person and kicks you out and lets this new person take your place(and then lets you back in a week later)?!? What is a person to think when their spouse hits on other women (not to mention some that are minors) right in front of you and asks you if they can screw them?!? Well I think it is bullshit. And I was blind to see what he was doing to me because I loved him sooo much and the thought of losing him sent me into a really bad depressed state. He anounced recently that he wanted a break...and that was around the time I finally pulled my head out of my ass and assessed the situation... He wants me to go all the way to Texas to have this "break". I think he wants this just to be able to screw other people without the guilt. I don't know....maybe I am wrong but that is what I am thinking....I just can't take the stress anymore of worrying about whether or not he is going to be bringing home another woman or not..or whether or not he is going to get drunk and hurt me. Honestly, sometimes he scares the shit out of me. And when I am around him I no longer feel the same sense of security I felt when he and I first met. I mean whenever he raises his hand near me...even if it is to give me a hug...I flinch back. That is how scared I am....I tried to make it work between him and me but to no success and I am growing weary of continuing this losing battle. And I am not going to do it anymore....I QUIT!(i hope people can get the meaning of that)
Over the years too many people chipped away at what little trust and love I have. I don't want it to happen anymore. Eventually I will not be the kind person I have always been...easily persuaded by friends to help them in their time of need. I want to be a nice person but it gets harder to do so day by day and it hurts me when I am mean to someone that I care about.
So...that is all I have to say for now. If you would like to leave comments on this post...feel free to do so. I could use all the help I can get......
Lady Ravyn
aka: Tanya
