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What are you waiting for?
Sitting here I have been trying to think. When have I been truly happy? To the
point to where I had no cares or worries in the world..
As far back as I can remember, I have always been stressed about something, have
always worried about something, had a fear in the back of my mind that something,
sometime, somewhere, something bad is going to happen to me and there is nothing I
can do about it.
Sure I can change things...but my version of changing is not what is needed. My
change is chasing everyone that I care about away for me to be left to my own
devices and destruction to try to see what will happen on the other side. The
depression and anxiety takes me faster than I can realize, faster than I can
comprehend.
My whole life has been filled with disappointment. Dealing with a mentally
abusive, alcoholic father, a mother that no matter how much she showed the front
of being a dominant type person, in her own reality, she is afraid of being alone.
She will not admit it, but I can see it.
Having abuse thrown at me in many different ways that I am suprised that I can
trust people, let alone let people touch me. Part of me wishes that I was still
the naive, closed up person that I was before I moved to Oregon back in 2004. I
admit that by then I had already seen addiction on my part, and been put in a
positon that I can't believe I even put myself in.
Coming here, I was too naive, too much that living where I did, I really didnt see
people for who they really are. So, I end up finding the worst person I could have
fallen in love with. Meeting him put me thru 2 years of hell. He put me thru
emotional abuse, physical abuse...and the messed up thing, i stayed there because
I figured it was what I deserved. What I was put on this earth to endure. He was
one of my partial bits of hell. I am still dealing with it. Will be til the
divorce is final. Hopefully sometime soon it will be over and done with. Going
through that I partially became closed up. Afraid to trust.
Not more than 6 months later, I got into another bad relationship. Same
type..emotionally abusive, physically abusive. Put me in a position to where I was
only allowed to leave the house once every month or so. He had me so afraid to
leave the house that I never even tried it. 2 more years down the drain..another
abusive relationship, and again, I felt it was what I deserved.
2008, I moved back to Oregon. Thinking that things would be better. I have seen
rough patches. Bad relationships, more reasons why I should be a cold heartless
bitch by now with what I have been through. I have been around people that have
loved and adored me....yet I turned them away, never gave them a chance...with the
slight showing of affection I ran because I didnt know if they would hurt me like
every other person in my life had.
I still don't see how anyone could get close to a person like me...let alone love
me. I ruin everything that is good for me and run to the things that are the worst
for me...and honestly...right now I am scared. I don't want to ruin what I have
now. Back in the deepest part of my head I know that this is the thing that can
help me. That the one I am in love with, I want to be with til the end. I want to
commit to Him. I am really scared of doing something that would cause it to
end...and I am afraid that He may be like the rest....that likes what they see on
the outside at first glance...and then sees the true me and sees how willing I am
to see the person I am with happy that they use it to walk all over me and break
me even more when in all reality there isn't much there to break anymore. I am
tired of hurting..I am tired of being scared...I am tired of spending most of my
days worried about who is going to hurt me next....
I apologize for the depressing tone...my heart just hurts for some reason...
