Have you ever loved somebody sooo much yet at the same time hated them and what they represented? When at first all you saw was a kind and sweet person but then find out later that they are scandalous and liars? How can a person fall for someone like that??? I mean, there were warnings all around but you just didn't listen because you thought they would be different...that they would break the trend you are so desperately trying to get yourself out of?? That no matter how the person treated you...you were ready to give them everything you had and work for the things you couldn't give them at the time?? How no matter how much you pour your heart and soul out to the person only to have them throw it away like yesterdays bad magazines?? How even though you aren't together, you still give your all to make sure that the other person is happy and comfortable?? How the only way to deal with things going the way they are is to put up your defenses even higher than they ever have been and getting angered when you have the urge to just break down and cry?!? And if you do cry is makes you even madder because crying is a weakness that you don't want other people to see because you feel that you have so little left to hold on to and the image of a strong and happy person is what you still want to show everyone?!? Even though on the inside you are breaking more and more with each passing second?? And even though you have tried hard to break the old habbits that posess you..you still mess up everything? And at the first sign of a good thing you try your hardest to sabotage everything so it doesn't end up happening in the end...But really you don't mean to nor realize what you are doing before it is too late? And how you are really sorry for being the way you are and doing the things that you have done and constantly wish things could have been different from the begining. How you know that even though it hurts a lot what you are going through...things will get better. Maybe not right away but soon. And the only thing your heart is telling you to say is that you are sorry...but a part of your heart...the part that is iced over a little...doesn't really care anymore. And you are unsure what you are supposed to think or do at this moment to make the pain ease a little bit...You are tempted to do a lot but those things will degrade you even more...and other things you want to do really aren't the best things for your health so you are pretty much screwed. You have lost your outlets....you inspiration...your urge to perform. The only thing you can do is rant in public type forums and hope that someone reads it. Even though a part of you doesn't care because this is the only way that you can truly write what is on your mind without losing it...
Ok..that was exhausting.....
Tanya
