LilSqueaker's blog: "ugh"

The days sometimes drag by and sometimes they fly. No one could imagine what it is like to wake up to the sight that I've seen and no one could imagine the fear that I felt that day. The days that drag by I relive a lot of what happened and the days that fly by it is still feels like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I wander what it is about the way that I live that stops me from moving on and being a normal person. I wander why is it that I can't live a normal life the way that I planned. I love my daughter and I love mom, Andrew, JT, and all the others in my life that have been close to my heart, but I feel like I can't love them fully. I know that if I could some how get through this and move on with my life then I could fully love everyone that is in my life. I wish that you were here and that I didn't keep hearing your last words. The thing is I know that it won't ever change and that I just have to live with it. Growing up with you wasn't always easy. I know that with your disease sometimes it made my mad that you got so much attention all the time even on things that were suppose to be my day. I didn't know then that it was selfish or that I was just taking it out on you because of the fact that I couldn't get half the admiration as you. Now i see all that and I hate that at times I made you feel like crap because I was envious of you. I should have seen then but I didn't and that makes it even harder. Putting my life on hold growing up didn't bother me because of the fact that I had so much fun with you. Yes we cried together and we fought and we laughed but the times that we laughed made it all worth it. Looking back there isn't a day that I would have changed. Not a day that I would have given up spending time with you instead of going and doing things that normal people my age would have done. I would still spend everyday with you. The days that I didn't spend with I always felt bad and was scared when I stayed the night at someones house I was always afraid that I wouldn't be there for you. Then I was there for you for those last moments and now I wish that I hadn't been. I know that it would hurt me if I wasn't and that I would hate myself for not being there and now it haunts me that I was there. That I have to relive that night more than I ever want to. I love you and miss you with all my heart and wish you were still here.