LilSqueaker's blog: "Missing you!"

Sometimes I wander what it is that I'm doing. I love so easily and get hurt so bad. I wear my heart on my seleves and it gets shattered a lot.  Some how I always find the wrong guys and end up having to go through another heartache. The guy will either think that "Oh she is so easily manipulated why not use that to our advantage," or it is that they know that I trust and love so easily that they can do whatever they want and then it is just that I will take them back or that if they say just the right thing then it will just be able to just sweep it under the rug like it never happened. 

I want that guy that isn't afraid to say yea that's my girl or to message me everyday just to tell me that "Hey I'm here for you" or "Hey you're on my mind" I just want that person to tell me that I'm thier number one and that they love being able to talk to me and able to have a friend like me.  I would love to just be a friend sometimes to guys too. I want to say that "Hey I'm a good friend you can talk to me I will listen to you." For when there is that time that someone is having a bad day they will turn to me and say hey can I talk to you.  Sometimes I wander have I made a mistake coming back to Fubar. Maybe I should go back and just let this life go away.

I  wish that the ne that I really care about was here and that he would show me that he cares about me as much as I do him. That he said that he did he care for me and that I was more than just another girl to him. I don't even need it to be where everyone can see it can just be for me to see. Sometimes he does but other times it's like I don't matter or that I'm just his dirty little secret.  I love to feel like I'm not putting my heart on my sleeves and that I am someone that can hide my heart sometimes and act like nothing hurts me or bothers me but it does.

I want to hide my heart and make him fight to get to it and not just because it is a challenge but because he wants to earn the love that I have.  I want it to be that they really appretiate the love that I have and give them. I guess I just wander about whether I am someone that you can live without or am I just that girl that is there when you need someone other than your normal go to person.  I will live even though it hurts I can make it through as I always do. 

I've made it through loosing my brother, I have made it through not having my daughter's father here, and I've made it through my little brother going away to the military. I know who I am and I know that I may hurt at times but I will make it through. My only question is that will he show me that he cares a lot about me and tell me that he cares and I mean a lot to him? I have told him how much I care about in this and I want him to know that I have had feeling for you for a bit now and want to tell him I want t knwo you care too.

Here lately I have been so tired and I can't seem to catch a break. I just don't know what to do anymore. My ex has been causing so many problems and then I have to take care of things with my daughter that I didn't expect to have to worry about, then there is all the things that have been going on with my daughter being as klutsy as me. Where is the silver lining? I just feel so alone and lost. I feel like the people that I thought cared about me don't and the ones that I thought couldn't care less about me actually care.  I just want to crawl into a hole and not come back out. Just me and my daughter will be in this hole and no one will come in and break my heart.

 This heart has been shattered so much I don't think that half my pieces are here anymore.  I don't know if even when the right man is there and willing to try to heal this heart if he can get it back together.  When it comes to my life and the ones that I love I would lay down my life for my family and the friends that are like family.  I can't keep doing all the fake people and fake shit and it makes me wander if I should leave Fubar again and not come back since all it is that everyone wants to only get what they want and it doesn't matter who they hurt or who they use in thier path.  I find the ones that I think that will be the most honest and that are just online to just have fun and talk to people. 

I have people tell me it's just a website and that I shouldn't take it serious but the thing is that if i talk to some of those people outside of the lounges and off the net I don't find it just a game. When I talk to those people I want them to be the true thing and be true friends and be the ones that they say they are. The way that some act just means that they are just that good at lieing and that there is no truth to what they say. In this world all we have is our actions and our word and one doesn't mean much without the other.

 I need to have the people in my life that have both not one or the other.  When I get to feeling like I'm lost and alone it just makes me feel like I'm really just drowning in my own hiden emotions and I need someone to stand next to me just to let me know that they are there and that I have a friend I have someone that loves me and cares about me. Someone that even though I am falling apart because of my own stupid mistakes and that I have messed up things in my life they don't care that I have done that and that those things in the passed and that they are here to help me live for the futer instead. I have  a best friend that I met in real life and got her to have an online life to have fun but I want that guy that will hold me and tell me everything is ok. Tell me I may not be able to be next to you at the moment but I am here to talk to and i am here for you to talk to night or day. Someone that will make time for me through out thier day a couple times and call me or text just because he knows it makes me smile when he does.

The main thing is I want someone to step up and say that hey forget about the stupid fucks that can't tell which head they should think with and come here. The ones that will stand by me as a friend and that man that will tell me that they are there. I know that I'm not like most girls my age. I may only be 23 but I have been through a lot more than most people my age and was raise the old ways by my mom and my grandpa. They made sure that I had morals and I had the right way to live and that you work for what you get and nothing in this world is free. That is why I need a man not a boy because I am a strong young WOMAN and I am also a carring and confident strong single mother and I will stand for what I believe in and the way that I was raised and I will raise my daughter to have the morals she should and will have a code to live by the way that I was. She will know a man loves her before she gives her heart to him. And that is what I have to do first. 

I know that I may be lost now but I am finding my way out and I will know what to do and if you happen to read this and you think that you can be a true friend and can stand next to this mess and help well ill be excepting applications lol.

Sometimes I get very lost and don't know my way back to the surface. I try my best to make the people that are important to me in my life happy. I put everyone infront of myself and always have. I know that I get lost a lot and I know taht I make a lot of mistakes but those that stand next to me and help hold me up when I'm weak get the best pay off. Those that stand next to me and be pattient get lov from me that no one really knows how to give anymore. 

I know that I can lean on some people and that I can talk to them but Joe was the one that would tell me, "hey take a deep breath and think". He knew me more than anyone. He knew just what to say to make me smile and sort though all the tangles in my head. I don't know I guess taking my daughter and curing up in a hole till everything passes by isn't an option lol. 

All of a sudden me and mom just have you wieghing on our minds. You're all of a sudden in the front of my mind. I haven't shed a tear for you in so long and now I can feel those tear burning the back of my eyes with the unshed ones. I can't take it. 

I took care of you everyday and yea I complained some days when I had a bad day but I would do it all over again if I could. It always seemed when I had one of my bad days so did you, We always seem to be on the same wave link. Andy seemed to be catching the shit end of that a lot of times but hey we already had time to plot against him before he was born. lol. 

You know you always yelled at me for putting my life on hold but I never felt it when u were here. To me it just felt normal, but since you've been gone I see what you ment. I'm sorry that I never listened, but I didn't see it. 

There are so many times that I look back and see the things that you always seen and I didn't then feel bad that I didn't listen or that I didn't see them myself. Then I wander what else you seen that I never did. 

Andy has been doing such amazing things and everyone is so proud of him I just wish you could see it all here and not from up there so that Andy could see the pride on you're face. I know that it killed him that you weren't there in the flesh to see him graduate boot camp, but we all knew you were watching and that you were proud of him. It just hurt to see the hurt on everyones faces that you weren't there. 

I often find myself going back to that morning and still wanting to say sorry and hearing your last words to me. I really do with that I wasn't there I know mom is opposite, but if I wasn't I wouldn't have had those last words stuck in my head and unable to forgive myself. I know that everything happens for a reason. I just wish that it wasn't this way. I know that I should get over it and move on and that people tell me this all the time but the thing is the weren't there they don't have to see what I do in my mind. They don't know what it was like or how it hurt me. They didn't have to go through what I did. And they sure as hell didn't have to hear those last words come out of your mouth. I just want to put it behind me and move forward but it still hurts me so much. 

I wanted to have both my brothers here for my baby girl. I wanted to show her how great both my brothers are. My older brother being such a fight the grim reaper had to try 9 times to take him. That's one hell of a fight. And my baby brother who is one determinded little brat. Having a goal since he was 4 and following through with it. I wanted her to learn from both you that you just have to keep your head up. Mommy isn't as much of a fighter as Uncle Joe nor as determind as Uncle Andy but at least she can learn some really detication from Uncle Andy. As for the fight well I guess I will have to rely on everyone to help me show her that. 

I hate to cry and I know that it is normal but I still fight those tears for Joe. I still hate to shed those becuase of the fact that I don't want to accept that there isn't anything to blame myself for. I can't find a way to forgive myself.

I love you Joe and I miss you with all my heart