LilSqueaker's blog: "Joe"

An inspiration

Sitting here and thinking of Joe, all I can think about is how much of an inspiration he was to so many people. In all the time we spent together I only met 2 people he didn't like. Only 2, How does that happen?

At camps a lot of the councelors fought to be His counselor, the nurses fought over him, the Spirit drivers fought over him. One young many so many people faught to be around just because of who he was. He never gave up or quit on the people that he held dear. He never turned his back even when friends let him down and stood him up when it came to hanging out. He just swept it under the rug and asked again next time.

It has almost been 5 years and I still have people that I run into that tell me they still think of him and they miss him. Still have people that tell me how much he touched their lives and some that even say Joe saved their lives. I have seen the biggest football players become the biggest softies because of Joe. Watched guys who put on the tough guy act come to his rescue when someone messed with him. I've even seen the gumpiest people soften and become his friends. How can one young man do this?

Joe fought pain everyday. His internal organs had shifted, his spine was curved so bad his ribs touched his hip, his bones were all so close to the surface from being so skinny, he couldn't even wear shoes because his feet became miss formed. Yet this incredible young man carried on everyday with a smile. He even made others around him smile. He didn't let other see his pain because he didn't want their pity. He wanted their joy. He looked at me one day and said "I don't care how much pain meds I have to take, I will be at the hospital when you have that baby." he even had mom give him extra pain meds so he could go to poultry days and see Keith Rowlands, 2x2 with Buff and Fish, and his friends from high school.

Joe was an inspiration because Joe always looked for the good. Even though in 2 he couldn't find much he still tried his best. So many people that he ment so much to that it made it difficult just to see them after he passed. To see them reminded me of an inspirational, caring, loving, fighting young man that is no longer here.

I just want everyone to remember your life doesn't last forever and everyday on this earth is another chance for you to be an inspiration to someone, to show love to someone, to help someone in need, or even to fight for someone. Don't look around to see if anyone is watching that doesn't matter. If you can touch one person's life you never know it could be something that saves their life. Joe always said he could keep going because of the love and support he had. What if your kindness toward someone is just the love and support they need to fight one more day.

We lost an amazing young man way before his time at only 23. How many of us think about the fact that we may not wake up tomorrow. Or that our lives could be over today? If you were to be gone today or tomorrow could you honestly say that you gave it your all? That you were someone that never gave up and always tried to think positively? Will those around you remember you in a positive or negative way. Be that inspiration that hope and stength some day you might need someone else to be it for you.

Don't wait for someday, make someday today. You never know if you have another day!

I love and miss you Joseph

In all the stress and pain in this world I hope that the world remembers to look beside them and remember that those we love will not always be here. Think about that while we are all worried about politics and about how this government is being ran. Think while you are worried about things you can't control what precious time are you missing with your grandparent, kids, friends, brothers and sisters. Tomorrow is never promised to us. What are you going to be feeling if one morning you wake up and find out that while you were focused on everything going on outside of your control and reach your brother or sister or loved on passed and you didn't even see that they were getting sick or were hurting because you just assumed they would be there tomorrow? How much would you blame yourself for not knowing what was going on with a loved one if you were more worried about stupid things. The people that stay on line all day trying to find away to start a fight who could you loose tomorrow and not even know. I watched my brother die and on that day my morning started like any other and then the next thing I know my whole life changed. Please everyone take the time to go see your family.Take the time to shut off all electronics and spend the day with your children. Make sure the ones that you love and care about never go a day without knowing it.

I know that we are comeing up on 2 years that you have been gone but it still feels like yesterday and cuts like a very sharp knife that you're gone. That I'm not going to see that smile anymore and that I won't ever get to hear you're voice again. The fact that no matter how much it hurts you're not coming back.

I deal with my depression everyday and the nightmares from that night and I'm still here but it is so hard. The days when it gets close to when you left us is the hardest for me becasue that is when the memorys are the worse. They are so strong as if it is happening all over again and makes it so hard just to get out of bed. Then I think my daughter needs me and she needs me to be strong and get up. 

I pretend a lot to be happy and that everything is ok because I know that I will make it through another day but there are so many times that I wish that I could go into your room again and tell you "hey I need your help" and you just role your eyes but listen to me and then help me. I just want that back and know that I can't have it. I know you can see and probably rolling your eyes at me now for me crying just because of the day that you left us. But even though you don't feel that pain anymore we do.

I have to wander will this ever fade? Will the memories of that day ever become a distant memory or will they always be this vivid? When will I be able to bare this day where it doesn't feel like there is a red hot poker being rammed into my heart and then twisted? I want to be able to remember you and not feel like my life is falling apart. To be able to smile and say yes this happened but I'm still here and I'm going to keep his memory alive and teach Mili how to touch peoples lives and hearts the way that you were able to. To teach my baby girl how to be forgiving even when they don't deserve it. To show her that there is a purpose behind everything. To teach her to have faith and to follow her heart when mine feels like there is a whole in it. That there is something missing.

I love Mili everyday with everything that I have and yet there still feels like something is gone. Like I'm not whole anymore and I want to feel whole. I want to be able to smile and have the feeling that I'm whole and that I can breathe. Right now I feel broken. Like a vase that was glued together and then the glue fell away. I want to be back together and whole again.

I'm just so tired of being strong. I hate that all this happened and that I was there. The fact that your last words I still hear and that the feeling of blood on my arms still comes back sometimes. The fact that the shock of when the doctor told me what I already knew still made me week in the knees. I don't want those memories anymore. I want to just remember you the way that you were before the 74 day stay.

You were so happy and strong. Till the day you died you fought against everything and anyone that told you you couldn't do something. You never gave up, not even when the doctor told us we might as well tell you goodbye because you weren't going to make it through the night. There was almost always a smile on your face and a laugh in your eyes. People did you wrong so much in your life and yet some how you pushed on and even forgave them. You were almost always the bigger person even if it took you a little while to get to that point.

When you left us and we had the veiwing and the funaral I would have been surprise if half the people that came hadn't. The thing is that is what I expected was for that place to be so packed that you couldn't even keep everyone inside because there wasn't enough room and that is what happened. They came through and they showed thier love and commitment to you. Even without you being here in the physical form they loved you so much they came to comfort your family and that to me was amazing. To have that much love and loyalty. You were one of the most amazing men I have even met and probably ever meet and that is why it hurts so much. That is why the knife cuts so deep and why the pain is so hard. That is why the wound is still raw.

I miss you so much Joe and wish that I could see that smile and hear your voice again just once. I love you and will see you again one day!