LilSqueaker's blog: "Joe"

I know that we are comeing up on 2 years that you have been gone but it still feels like yesterday and cuts like a very sharp knife that you're gone. That I'm not going to see that smile anymore and that I won't ever get to hear you're voice again. The fact that no matter how much it hurts you're not coming back.

I deal with my depression everyday and the nightmares from that night and I'm still here but it is so hard. The days when it gets close to when you left us is the hardest for me becasue that is when the memorys are the worse. They are so strong as if it is happening all over again and makes it so hard just to get out of bed. Then I think my daughter needs me and she needs me to be strong and get up. 

I pretend a lot to be happy and that everything is ok because I know that I will make it through another day but there are so many times that I wish that I could go into your room again and tell you "hey I need your help" and you just role your eyes but listen to me and then help me. I just want that back and know that I can't have it. I know you can see and probably rolling your eyes at me now for me crying just because of the day that you left us. But even though you don't feel that pain anymore we do.

I have to wander will this ever fade? Will the memories of that day ever become a distant memory or will they always be this vivid? When will I be able to bare this day where it doesn't feel like there is a red hot poker being rammed into my heart and then twisted? I want to be able to remember you and not feel like my life is falling apart. To be able to smile and say yes this happened but I'm still here and I'm going to keep his memory alive and teach Mili how to touch peoples lives and hearts the way that you were able to. To teach my baby girl how to be forgiving even when they don't deserve it. To show her that there is a purpose behind everything. To teach her to have faith and to follow her heart when mine feels like there is a whole in it. That there is something missing.

I love Mili everyday with everything that I have and yet there still feels like something is gone. Like I'm not whole anymore and I want to feel whole. I want to be able to smile and have the feeling that I'm whole and that I can breathe. Right now I feel broken. Like a vase that was glued together and then the glue fell away. I want to be back together and whole again.

I'm just so tired of being strong. I hate that all this happened and that I was there. The fact that your last words I still hear and that the feeling of blood on my arms still comes back sometimes. The fact that the shock of when the doctor told me what I already knew still made me week in the knees. I don't want those memories anymore. I want to just remember you the way that you were before the 74 day stay.

You were so happy and strong. Till the day you died you fought against everything and anyone that told you you couldn't do something. You never gave up, not even when the doctor told us we might as well tell you goodbye because you weren't going to make it through the night. There was almost always a smile on your face and a laugh in your eyes. People did you wrong so much in your life and yet some how you pushed on and even forgave them. You were almost always the bigger person even if it took you a little while to get to that point.

When you left us and we had the veiwing and the funaral I would have been surprise if half the people that came hadn't. The thing is that is what I expected was for that place to be so packed that you couldn't even keep everyone inside because there wasn't enough room and that is what happened. They came through and they showed thier love and commitment to you. Even without you being here in the physical form they loved you so much they came to comfort your family and that to me was amazing. To have that much love and loyalty. You were one of the most amazing men I have even met and probably ever meet and that is why it hurts so much. That is why the knife cuts so deep and why the pain is so hard. That is why the wound is still raw.

I miss you so much Joe and wish that I could see that smile and hear your voice again just once. I love you and will see you again one day!