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Ramblings

Throwing in my hat into the ring I have some things on my mind that are really bothering me but I'm sure you all really don't give a shit but I'm gonna run my mouth about it anyhow because I can!!!!!!!! I have had and still have the pleasure of talking to people from all walks of life on the internet. I am good friends with some others are just people that I chat with on an occasion. Regardless of how I know them it is always a pleasure and an honor to call them my friends. Now here is what I am finding out from some as time goes by. I have every once in awhile had a debate if you want to call it that or just two friends bitching to each other. I didn't realize that for the most part people from other countries feel that we as Americans are not being told everything we need to know about other countries, not that in mind here was my argument on my own behalf. I may not watch the news because I'm tired of everytime I turn the news I see this child molested or this person killed. It depresses me and makes me want to shoot the bastards that do this senseless act of violence against harmless people.I am I guess supposed to be a stupid person because of these reasons...I'm a woman for one.... I'm a single woman...I'm only a high school graduate.... I'm from West Virginia..... and I'm an American. Ok let's just jump ass first in all of this. A woman can be as intelligent if not more than a man, just because I don't have a dick does not make me stupid!!! I do not have to have a husband to be intelligent, I can think for myself!!! I am not sorry for the fact I didn't have the money or the resources at the time to go to college but I do research to find out what I need to know besides the fact some of the most brilliant minds in our history did not go to college!!!!!! It doesn't matter what state you come from, state does not determine intelligence. West Virginia along with other states are not full of half witted incest made children. I as an American am very proud of where I come from.I as many other people do not agree with the politics of our country but as with any country we as the people have that right to disagree with anything we choose to do so. I get tired of people trying to jam their beliefs down my throat. I don't have to agree with the wars that are waging right now. I do support my fellow men and women who are doing their jobs as citizens of this country. As I stated I don't have to agree with why they are there or how any of it came about. I do have to respect their choices to do as they want as they respect our choices. I show no disrespect to them at all. I'm so very proud of you all. I have had a debate with a special person as we do on an occasion about the politics of our country. I can't say that I'm up to speed on everything that goes on in the wars as they are being called. I'm not goin to go into the details of the debate other then to say, it seems to me that alot of other countries have some harsh feelings toward the USA but that is of their chioce and I don't begrudge them that. It has been said that the American people choose to be very dramatic at times about things that have happened in our country but could give a rat's ass about what happens on foriegn soil. I disagree with that. I think alot of this misconception is that the media is not showing everything that is going on in other countries by their own choosing for the ratings and bullshit that goes along with being a public service. Dear God don't show the truth let's just worry about our ratings so we can put more money in their pockets. We as a people of a great nation it is our responsibility to educate ourselves in what is going on in the rest of the world. Even if it means getting footage from our loved ones over in Iraq or Kuwait and pass it along on the internet to show the millions who use it what really happens there. Have family members from other countries tell us and we pass it on to others. We should take the responsibility to learn about what all is going on because as we all know the media here is not going to make a big deal about hardly anything elsewhere. Other people in other countries are thinking we are ignorant as a country for not knowing about what goes on elsewhere, well maybe they are right to a point. I know I get wrapped up in the workings of my days and not pay attention to what all is happening around me.Ok on the next subject, oh this will fry a few people but I am a person with the right to my own beliefs.Religion!!! My best friend and I have this debate every once in awhile and I end up putting him in his place.When I'm down in the mouth and feel like I have no reason to go on I am told I should go to church and have God guide me. Ok well I believe in God and I like having the thought of a higher being up there watching me and has my beloved family members under his care. I do not believe though that I have to go to a building that the churches have deemed as the place to go to pray. From what I have read of the bible I truely don't ever remember it saying anywhere that God will hear me better in any certain type of building. I don't think God will hear me any better in a place where I'm told I have to go to pray. I can sit in my bathroom using the restroom and I do believe God will hear me just as well. No I don't do that but that was an example. I also don't think just because a business, which is all the churches are anymore can tell me if I can have sex or be raped and be forced to have a child I don't want. Who made these rules???? The church??? God???? Have they really talked to God??? NO I don't think so, I personally think it's a bunch of people who want the power to say this or that is wrong are making their own beliefs to be followed by everyone else. Tell me who said that a person, OH I"M Sorry it seems to be mostly ran by MEN, can tell a person if they can be with a woman or man just because they preach the word of God??? I really don't want to get into the seperation of state and church but I will say this, I believe the reason for the trouble between the two are the fact it's ran by a bunch of people who don't want to share the power they have over what is done or said. You know what to hell with it I'm just a single mom who was raised and graduated from a West Virginia school who has not enough brains to have an intelligent thought in her head. You have you're thoughts and so do I, that's what makes me a human with a mind of my own to think as I choose.Do me a favor use your own brains and think about my ramblings because maybe a stupid person like myself may actually have a point in there somewhere. Love those who are the ones who fight with me about these subjects. You have respect for me as I do for you. THANKS LOVE YA <3<3

My Angels Part 3

My Angels Here I am again to pour my heart out and try to, in my way, to deal with things in my mind and heart that I may never fully come to terms with. I've always been told in therapy I should keep a diary so I can put everything on paper. I think this is better because maybe along the way someone may understand why I am the way I am. I hope that everyone will see that my family is very important to me. Ok now it's coming out so everyone can read. My family has always been I guess you could say very disfuntional, that's putting it mildly. I am the only child between my Mom and Dad. There are 3 that are older than me but I have no clue who or where they are, my Dad always got around. I have to say he was a ladies man. Very good looking man. Unfortunately he wasn't really that big of a part of my life, but I did spend some time with him. After my parents split when I was 2 they both had other children, my Mom had 2 more and my Dad had 8 more. ( I always joked with him he should have kept it in his pants). Ok now that that part is over, lets get to the subject at hand. MY MOMImageMy Mom remarried after my Dad and they had my brother Charlie and my sister Cheryl. From the age of 9 I was the one responsible for taking care of them. My routine was go to school, come home do what was on my list, fix dinner, have kids do homework, and when everything else was taken care of then I did my homework. I was the mother because as my Mom put it she was busy being someone she wasn't. I gave her the chance to go out and have fun. Yes I have talked to her about all of this so many years ago and for the first time I remember my mother cried and told me that she loved me, she was drinking at the time. There has been maybe 3 times that I remember her saying that. Still to this day when I tell her I love you she says "Yeah ok ". I know from what I have been told that my Mom had a rough life. I have also learned you learn what you live. My Mom chose what I wore and what I did at all times. I didn't have friends that came to the house when I grew up, my friends were my brother and sister. I was always afraid of my Mom, she controlled everything in my life. The only time I got to be a real kid was when I would have my Dad come and get me so I could live with him. That would never last long because he would have a nervous breakdown so back I would have to go back to her. I didn't want to go back 'cause with my Dad I was told and showed more love than I did with HER. My Mom never hurt me physically but the lack of emotion did scar me. I have always looked for the love that I so needed and wanted. When I was around 15 things did get to be alittle different between her and I, I now was the friend she could take with her to the bars to dance with and as time went by I then was allowed to drink and smoke, I guess to make it seem more like I belonged there. Hell I was drinking by then anyhow so this was a treat for me cause she was allowing me to. I guess in her way she was trying to be closer with me or it was she just wanted to try to be have a friend with her. I'll never really know now. I have seen my Mom control everything I did to letting me do what I wanted but just because it helped her feel she was paying attention to me. I have no clue. I, of course, did everything I could to try to make her happy, I think I would have cut my own throat if that's what it took to get her to just say I Love You. I tried so hard to be a good student thinking she would be proud. When I graduated with honors in business I was hoping that would do it. The day of my graduation she was more worried about if her friends would have a place next to her to sit. I realize this all may be just in my head but that's how I grew up seeing it. Even now when I give her a hug and tell her that I love her, I get the "Yeah Ok" You probably think I'm lying but I have stood there and heard her talk to her brother and tell him she loved him. Now that was a blow to the heart, she can't say it to me but she can to him. My Mom is 58 and I'm losing her and can't go into this with her again because she can't remember in her past. I'm trying to spend time with her now but it's hard 'cause I can't say what is on my mind to work it out with her. She has altzhiemers so not long from now she won't be able to remember me. She has been the biggest force in my life and I am gonna miss her very much. It's always been a love hate relationship, but all in all I Love her with all that is in me. I wouldn't want to go through with her again what I have but I cherish the good times, as few and far between they have been. So there is the biggest part of my life's story maybe you can understand me. The one person I crave love frome the most, I have never gotten in the way I needed. I never will from her. She's goin to be the most important Angel for me. She is also the biggest demon for me, you may not understand that but that's how I feel. Thanks for taking the time. Love You All <3

My Angels Part 2

My Angels As some of you know I have been dealing with alot of demons as some would call them, or even ghosts if you may. Part 1 of this covered most of the demons in me. Now I have to confront the biggest ones for me. As I said in the first part that my brother Russ is a big part of me 'cause I know he's with me everyday. He knows that I would have rather of given my life to save his. I realize that was not an option because in a way he is more at peace where he is now than he was here with us. Now that I have gotten that out in the open, here comes the hardest parts for me. Please understand I'm not blaming anyone for the things in my head it's just me and the way I do or have seen events. I'm not even sure how to start this so that anyone can understand. But here we go. I got pregnant with my oldest daughter when I was 17, now of course I was scared to death. I graduated and got married and somewhere along the line everything went wrong. After a few years of this my marriage was over. I was on my own for the first time, working part time trying to make it. I came to feel I couldn't take care of my girl the way I felt she should be taken care of. I made a call to her father's parents and asked if she could live with them for awhile until I could get on my feet better, needless to say I didn't ever get to get her back with me. As the time went by I was dating someone and got pregnant again, I had another girl and I decided to give her up for adoption because the father did the split act when he found out. I held it in and said not alot to anyone. By now I am sure there some of you saying what a bitch, can have 'em but won't take care of them. I have to accept that either way. As I see it "He hath not sined cast the first stone" sorry if I say it the wrong way but I usually do things alittled off center. So now that's 2 children I had and neither are with me. I then get married again (dumbass me ). After the first year that's when I started getting physically abused pretty much daily. Naturally I think if we had a child things will get better, He'll be happy with me then and things will get better. It didn't take us long to have my son. Oh I thought this will fix things, common mistake for victims. In my mind in a way I thought I deserved the abuse for what I had done concerning my girls. Not long after my son was born the abuse began again, I didn't realize at the time I had gotten pregnant again during this time but lost the baby at 3 monthes because of the abuse. I finally had reached the point when I couldn't take it anymore. I had a good job by now working at a hospital with people that took me under their wings and helped me. The last time I was physically abused was December 30, 1994. I went through a 2 3/4 year custody battle in which I won Thank God. I then became involved with a man during this time and he was really not what I needed but he was good to me and my son. As time went on I realized he was an alcoholic and "smoked" more than his share. I had no intentions of marrying this man but things don't work out the way we think. As I stated before when my brother passed away I didn't handle things well. My family and others had it in their minds this man was the best thing for me lol. Don't ever trust gut feelings of other people. I was walked through getting married again. Dear God she should be shot for being so stupid. So how's my score so far- 3 children, 2 not with me and 3 marriages. I then have another relationship I'm not gonna go into that right now. My job is going great I have my son. Then somewhere along the line I'm finally allowed to see my oldest daughter, major conflicts in that situation. I'm thinking damn I made it through the hard times. In time I would find the past was just something that was gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. I am again on my own and yes I thought that would be the end of me, almost was. I had gotten very sick because of the bipolar and all the stress I was dealing with. You know it's funny when you think you're some hardass and you can handle anything and everyone when the one person that can destroy you is YOU. So my little angel was lost because of abuse, I deal with that. So here is the bitter truth I deal with. If things had been different in my past then maybe just maybe I wouldn't have lost the most recent little Angel. Isn't strange how just the stupidest mistakes in your life can effect others even today. The next part is going to be about the one person that has made the biggest impact on my life and I'm losing them more everyday. They will be the most important Angel yet. I'm not sure when she will leave me but she is the biggest ghost or demon for me. She being my Mom, she has always been the most dominating force in my life. She has altzhiemers. She's only 58 and she is leaving me or should I say us because there others in the family but to me she is THE person who I have loved and hated all my life.

My Angels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJduo835kOw This video was made for a man that the world lost, but I play it in tribute for my brother Russell A. Stiles who was taken from his loved ones in August of 1996. He is one of my younger brothers, only 2 yrs younger. I always remember him as a true shit stirrer. No stranger to trouble or sorrow. He had a smile that would light up a room and a temper to match a damage of a bomb. The one thing I can say about my brother that noone can ever take away from him or me is that no matter what trouble or problem he was having at the time he always made sure my sister and I were safe and things were dealt with. My brother had a very bad drug problem which in the end contributed to his death. He drowned in the Ohio River just off shore with people standing there watching and doing nothing. When I was told of my brothers death I had to be strong for everyone else and then the time came for me to deal with it. Needless to say I didn't do well. I blamed myself for him dying, I was the oldest I should have been able to save him somehow. I should have been able to help with his drug abuse. Crack was his habit. Now don't get me wrong I don't judge anyone for their hobbies but for me again it is a personal choice. The day my brother went away from me part of me went with him forever. I then started to have problems with depression and it has never gotten any better. I deal with it everyday. Some people ask me about me about using the name Angel, I have a few Angels. The one Angel I speak of the most is Russ, he was 27 when he passed, a 9 month old brother, My father(may he finally rest in peace), and a baby of my own, which I lost due to being beat up. And there is a new Angel in heaven for me which I won't speak of because of other people involved. Some of you know I was very upset recently and I do want to thank you for you're help in helping me understand why my pain and mourning was so strong. I wasn't just mourning my new Angel but my other Angels as well. I wanted to tell my story so you can understand me better. I may come off as a hardass or a smartass or whatever. I am human after all and I have parts of me that only a few will ever truely know because you see right through me and that scares the hell out of me. Thank You All for what you have done for me I hope someday to be able to repay your kindness and concern for me I do love you all. Jacki (Angel) P.S. My Angels Thank You
Just Learn Please What everyone should know about domestic violence: 1. It doesn't matter who you are Domestic violence can happen to any type of person. It happens to women, it happens to men. It happens to all social classes, people who speak all languages. It happens regardless of sexual orientation or religion. Many people have never thought about abused men, or the fact that it happens is same-sex relationships. Many also have never thought about how it happens to teens as well. 2. It does matter who you are There is a big debate in the domestic violence community over how to respond to the needs of "non-traditional" victims of domestic violence. Many advocates against domestic violence (we'll call them 'abused women's advocates') think that domestic violence is mostly a problem of women being beaten by men. Their theory is that men beat women to maintain patriarchal power in relationships. Because they have this theory of domestic violence, they believe focusing on anything other than heterosexual women victims is a distraction from the real issue. On the other side is groups like Stop Abuse For Everyone, which, as our name says, is for an inclusive vision of domestic violence (we'll call them 'advocates for all victims'). Groups like SAFE argue that all victims of domestic violence are important, and that they won't be seen unless people start offering services for them. Men, for example, are not very likely to seek out services from a "women's shelter", unless they've heard that they are welcome there. The same goes for gay men and even in some cases lesbian women. SAFE believes that we should never underestimate the importance of violence against women, but we should look at the big picture of violence in relationships. Inevitably, both groups clash over statistics. Abused women's advocates point out that hospital records and police records tend to show much higher rates of women being battered. Advocates for all victims point out that these numbers are misleading, because they only indicate people who seek out help. They often site Martin Feibert's bibliography of over 166 studies showing men and women to be equally violent in their personal relationships. Abused women's advocates counter than women are injured at much higher rates, and criticize the way the studies in the bibliography were conducted. Advocates for all victims counter that these studies and the statistics in them are widely used even by abused women's advocates, and that research taking into account their criticism has produced the same results. As you can see, it's a very big discussion, and one that takes a lot of reading to be informed enough about to even discuss rationally. But it also completely misses the point. Both sides will agree that non-traditional victims exist, they just disagree over whether it's 5% or 35% or 50% of the problem. And they disagree over how much emphasis should be put on these victims. SAFE's perspective is that we should not be looking at the category of person, but instead look at the severity of their circumstances. Why does this matter to you if you're looking for help? It is because help is hard to come by if you're not a 'traditional victim' of domestic violence. Fortunately, this website is here to help. 3. Size doesn't matter One of the problem abused men in particular face is that there is a perception that men cannot be abused because they are on average physically stronger than women. What most people don't stop to think about is that physical strength is only half of the equation. The other part of it is how much of that strength one is willing to use to harm their partner. As one man put it: ''People always looked at me dubiously if I told them that my ex-wife had abused me. I'm much bigger than she was, and I'm sure they find it difficult to understand how that could happen. What they don't understand is that she was willing to stay up all night screaming at me and throwing things at me, she was willing to take it to any level to get what she wanted. I wasn't -- I would give up and give in. And the same thing went for violence -- I just wasn't willing to hit her back.'' 4. Most people leave an abusive relationship a couple of times This is well known in domestic violence circles, but it may be new to you. Often friends of domestic violence victims are amazed to see their friends or family members going back to the abusive relationship. It is agonizing to see, but it is extremely common. Push them to leave, but realize that it is their decision, and ultimately they will have to decide. 5. Help is available Although few services are available, they are out there. See the getting help section of this website. More information on domestic violence: Essays on Domestic Violence - contains essays on a variety of topics, including stalking, abused men, sibling violence, and more. Books on Domestic Violence - books on abused men, same-sex violence, and more. Websites on Domestic Violence - sites that deal with abused women, abused men, and same-sex victims. Research on Domestic Violence - research on abused women, abused men, same-sex victims, teen dating violence, and all forms of domestic violence. Domestic Violence Resources - fliers, brochures, and other materials on domestic violence.
Bipolar Disorder Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder Types of Bipolar Disorder Treatments Bipolar Disorder in Children Helping a friend Support Groups Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) is a treatable illness marked by extreme changes in mood, thought, energy and behavior. It is not a character flaw or a sign of personal weakness. Bipolar disorder is also known as manic depression because a person’s mood can alternate between the "poles" mania (highs) and depression (lows). This change in mood or "mood swing" can last for hours, days weeks or months. Bipolar disorder affects more than two million adult Americans. It usually begins in late adolescence (often appearing as depression during teen years) although it can start in early childhood or later in life. An equal number of men and women develop this illness (men tend to begin with a manic episode, women with a depressive episode) and it is found among all ages, races, ethnic groups and social classes. The illness tends to run in families and appears to have a genetic link. Like depression and other serious illnesses, bipolar disorder can also negatively affect spouses and partners, family members, friends and coworkers. (top) Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder Bipolar disorder differs significantly from clinical depression, although the symptoms for the depressive phase of the illness are similar. Most people who have bipolar disorder talk about experiencing "highs" and "lows" – the highs are periods of mania, the lows periods of depression. These swings can be severe, ranging from extreme energy to deep despair. The severity of the mood swings and the way they disrupt normal life activities distinguish bipolar mood episodes from ordinary mood changes. Symptoms of mania - the "highs" of bipolar disorder * Increased physical and mental activity and energy * Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence * Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior * Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue * Grandiose delusions, inflated sense of self-importance * Racing speech, racing thoughts, flight of ideas * Impulsiveness, poor judgment, distractibility * Reckless behavior * In the most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations Symptoms of depression - the "lows" of bipolar disorder * Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells * Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns * Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety * Pessimism, indifference * Loss of energy, persistent lethargy * Feelings of guilt, worthlessness * Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness * Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal * Unexplained aches and pains * Recurring thoughts of death or suicide If you or someone you know has thoughts of death or suicide, contact a medical professional, clergy member, loved one, friend or hospital emergency room or call 1-800-273-TALK or 911 immediately. You cannot diagnose yourself. Only a properly trained health professional can determine if you have bipolar disorder. Our online self-assessment can help you communicate your symptoms to your health care professional. Many people do not seek medical attention during periods of mania because they feel manic symptoms (increased energy, heightened mood, increased sexual drive, etc.) have a positive impact on them. However, left unchecked, these behaviors can have harmful results. When symptoms of mania are left untreated, they can lead to illegal or life-threatening situations because mania often involves impaired judgment and reckless behavior. Manic behaviors vary from person to person. All symptoms should be discussed with your doctor. (top) Types of Bipolar Disorder Patterns and severity of symptoms, or episodes, of highs and lows, determine different types of bipolar disorder. Bipolar I disorder is characterized by one or more manic episodes or mixed episodes (symptoms of both a mania and a depression occurring nearly every day for at least 1 week) and one or more major depressive episodes. Bipolar I disorder is the most severe form of the illness marked by extreme manic episodes. Bipolar II disorder is characterized by one or more depressive episodes accompanied by at least one hypomanic episode. Hypomanic episodes have symptoms similar to manic episodes but are less severe, but must be clearly different from a person’s non-depressed mood. For some, hypomanic episodes are not severe enough to cause notable problems in social activities or work. However, for others, they can be troublesome. Bipolar II disorder may be misdiagnosed as depression if you and your doctor don’t notice the signs of hypomania. In a recent DBSA survey, nearly seven out of ten people with bipolar disorder had been misdiagnosed at least once. Sixty percent of those people had been diagnosed with depression. How can I spot hypomania? Talk to your doctor about the possibility of hypomania if you’ve had periods of several days when your mood is especially energetic or irritable, and/or * You feel unusually confident * You need less sleep * You are unusually talkative * Your thoughts come and go faster than usual * You are more easily distracted or have trouble concentrating * You are more goal-directed at work, school or home * You are more involved in pleasurable or high-risk activities, such as spending or sex * You feel like you’re doing or saying things that are unlike your usual self * Other people say you’re acting strangely or you’re not yourself Cyclothymic disorder is characterized by chronic fluctuating moods involving periods of hypomania and depression. The periods of both depressive and hypomanic symptoms are shorter, less severe, and do not occur with regularity as experienced with bipolar II or I. However, these mood swings can impair social interactions and work. Many, but not all, people with cyclothymia develop a more severe form of bipolar illness. There is also a form of the illness called bipolar disorder not otherwise specified (NOS) that does not fit in to one of the above definitions. Because bipolar disorder is complex and can be difficult to diagnose, you should share all of your symptoms with your health care provider. If you feel your symptoms are not getting better with your current treatment and your doctor does not want to try something new, do not hesitate to see another doctor to get a second opinion. (top) Treatments for Bipolar Disorder Several therapies exist for bipolar disorder and promising new treatments are currently under investigation. Because bipolar disorder can be difficult to treat, it is highly recommended that you consult a psychiatrist or a general practitioner with experience in treating this illness. Your treatment may include medications and talk therapy. Be sure to tell your health care providers all of the symptoms you are having. Report all of the symptoms you have had in the past, even if you don’t have them at the time of your appointment. Since these illnesses can run in families, look at your family history. Tell your health care provider if any of your family members experienced severe mood swings, were diagnosed with a mood disorder, had “nervous breakdowns” or were treated for alcohol or drug abuse. With the right diagnosis, you and your doctor have a better chance of finding a treatment that is right for you. * Learn more about emerging technologies in the treatment of bipolar disorder by clicking here. * Learn more about talk therapy by clicking here. * Learn more about dietary supplements by clicking here. (top) Bipolar Disorder in Children Bipolar disorder is more likely to affect the children of parents who have the disorder. When one parent has bipolar disorder, the risk to each child is estimated to be 15-30%. When both parents have bipolar disorder, the risk increases to 50-75%. Symptoms of bipolar disorder may be difficult to recognize in children, as they can be mistaken for age-appropriate emotions and behaviors of children and adolescents. Symptoms of mania and depression may appear in a variety of behaviors. When manic, children and adolescents, in contrast to adults, are more likely to be irritable and prone to destructive outbursts than to be elated or euphoric. When depressed, there may be complaints of headaches, stomach aches, tiredness, poor performance in school, poor communication and extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure. The treatment of bipolar disorder in children is based on experience in treating adults with the illness, since very few studies have been done of the effectiveness and safety of the medications in children and adolescents. It is important to find a doctor that is well-versed in treating this illness in children and one that you work closely with throughout the course of treatment. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, up to one-third of the 3.4 million children and adolescents with depression in the United States may actually be experiencing the early onset of bipolar disorder. (top) Helping a Friend One of the most important thing family and friends can do for a person with bipolar disorder is learn about the illness. Often people who are depressed or experiencing mania or mood swings do not recognize the symptoms in themselves. If you are concerned about a friend or family member, help him or her get an appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve helping the person to find a doctor or therapist and make their first appointment. You may also want to offer go with the person to their first appointment for support. Encourage the individual to stay with treatment. Keep reassuring the person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better. It is also important to offer emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the person in conversation and listen carefully. Resist the urge to function as a therapist or try to come up with answers to the person’s concerns. Often times we just want someone to listen. Do not put down feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your first invitation is refused. It is often a good idea for the person with bipolar disorder to develop a plan should he or she experience severe manic or depressive symptoms. Such a plan might include contacting the person’s doctor, taking control of credit cards and car keys or increasing contact with the person until the severe episode has passed. Your plan should be shared with a trusted family member and/or friend. Keep in mind, however, that people with bipolar disorder, like all people, have good and bad days. Being in a bad mood one day is not necessarily a sign of an upcoming severe episode. Never ignore remarks about suicide. Report them to the person's therapist. Do not promise confidentiality if you believe someone is close to suicide. If you think immediate self-harm is possible, contact their doctor or dial 911 immediately. Make sure the person discusses these feelings with his or her doctor. (top) Support Groups With a grassroots network of over 1000 chapters and support groups across the country, no one with bipolar disorder has to feel alone. DBSA support groups provide a caring environment for people to come together to discuss their challenges and successes in living with the illness. They are not group therapy, though each group has a professional advisor and appointed facilitators. DBSA groups provide a forum for mutual understanding and self-discovery, help people stay compliant with their treatment plans and gain support from others who have been there. For information on a DBSA support group in your area see our support group locator, or contact DBSA at (800) 826-3632. (top)

Tears

November 25, 2006 Tears Tears seem to fall when you least want them to. You try to keep ur pain from being seen by people that worry about you and love you but the tears are because of them. You know it hurts them to see u cry and it upsets them to see ur in so much pain. Loniness sometimes can be the biggest reason for the tears. You love someone but can't be with them when you want to. To want to be able to help take care of them when they are sick or just down. To be able to put ur arms around them and hug them and hope it helps them feel better. To be there when they just need to scream because they are just fed up with the world at that moment. The want and need to be able to just see the face of the one you gave ur heart to. To see their lips move when they talk to you and the look in their eyes when they look at you knowing they love you back. Hoping they feel as bad when they are away from you. My biggest problem I guess is not being able to talk to him when I want or need to because of course they have a life besides being with you lol damn don't ya just hate that shit. I wanna go out in the woods and scream the pain away sometimes but that doesn't get them any closer to you just gets it out for alittle bit. The pain and loniness comes right back when you see something funny and know you can't share it with them right then and there, or when ur watching a sad movie and you need a shoulder to cry on. Oh well someday it'll be over with and I get to be able to reach out and finally touch him. Til then the tears will keep coming back and the pain still stays hoping to finally get taken away.

Oh What The Hell

November 16, 2006 Oh What the Hell Ok I guess I have kept my mouth shut long enough lol I am in the mood to write lol . I am 39 years old and have been single for over 2 years now. I sometimes thank God for that. Dear Lord the damn drama just to wake up to someone in the morning. I go to the bars with my friends and of course most of them are younger than me, I sit and listen to all the things they have to say about their world now a days. Damn no thanks!!!Ok for 1 example I have a couple that are unmarried but are pregnant he and she have this silly notion that they have to be together because of the baby. Ok in a perfect world I would say that is true but in todays way of thinking they do not have to be just to be good parents. I do not agree!! I know I am not the only person that has had to raise a child with out a father in the picture and sometimes it has been for the best because unfortunately the child is the one that suffers the most from that form of thinking. If you are unhappy now before the child is even born why in Gods name would you think it would be any better after the child is born?? IT IS NOT!!! Ok another example of this drama I do not want a part of is when you are with someone and part of you does not want to be with them but you are afraid to hurt them so you stay with them, well who are you hurting more by this action?? YOURSELF !!! Again another example, a woman is working a full time job as same as the man, the man believes that because he is the man he does not have to pull his weight around the house the same way she does. BULLSHIT!! Who the hell made up all this bullshit?? I have enough drama in my own world without dealing with their drama too but I guess according to all the younger people around me I have been deemed MOM to all of them. Now I am kewl with this but OH MY GOD!! I am thanksful to not have to go through all the young misconceptions of youth of today or any age in my lifetime. I am very happy to be the age I am now for the simple reason I have more wisdom to deal better with things that come my way. Now please do not get me wrong I have shit to deal with too but not all the niave thoughts of youth. I do know the anguish of having to tell someone "No I do not want to be with you " I know how it feels to not want to hurt someone elses feelings but it comes with being human. You know I wish we all could find that one person at the beginning of our mating age and be able to stay with that person til the death of either but it does not work that way for all of us. I have had 4 major relationships in my life with the opposite sex I do regret that but I have learned alot from them but still the wish I had that one person from my younger age til I die would have been my wish. What the hell do I know though I am the older woman sitting at the bar with younger people and wishing sometimes I had someone to sit at home with but that will come to me when the time is right for me and not before. I choose to do it my way and have the patients to wait til it is right for my other half to get their world ready for me. i could walk away but I do not want to because I do care alot about them and do not want to lose them. Right now I will try to help my friends that are younger so they do not make the mistakes they are walking into but I can not stop it all they have to make the same mistakes we all have to so they learn as they live. Anyhow folks there ya go I was thinking again which can be dangerous for even the saniest mind lol Love Ya all <3

Dark Side

Seems noone understands at times what I go through. I feel as if I should just give in and lay out my arm and allow the rest of what life I have to be drained from my body. Trapped in a life I no longer want. Everyday begins with the understanding that the only reason some people are in your life just so they can have you take care of them. I at times hate the fact that I'm alive. Who's to blame me or them?? Mine for allowing myself to care to much what other people need or want?? Theirs for expecting it?? I have tried to step back from it all but I am drug back into it by guilt that I'm giving up or not doing what they think I should.Guilty for not loving enough. Tired of breathing only to make other peoples lives better but just have myself be unhappy. To wish I could disappear and never be found again!! I know if I could do that somehow , someway I would be found again. To feel like the only hope you have for happiness is to pack the most important objects and just find a shack in the hills to live with no way to communicate to the outside world. To walk alone for the rest of your life for fear you're going to be pulled back in again. To hate waking everyday and find you have woke at all. Wishing your next breath is your last. To know your anger and hurt is just something for others to laugh about because they don't care. These are my thoughts at times. I know they are dark and gloomy thoughts but I have them and so much more but I dare not put them in words on here for fear I'll be considered crazy. Maybe I already am crazy. Who's to say other than myself.

Venting

So much on my mind I don't even know where to begin lol. My trip was wonderful. It was my first time to fly, first time to really go anywhere besides right here in the tri-state area. I went to stay in St Thomas, Virgin Islands for 2 weeks with a very dear friend. Yes I know dammit ur wanting pics well guess what I have to wait on them to be mailed to me lol but as soon as I get them I will put them on here but I do have a few of the view I got to see everyday I was there of course the color of the shy was different somedays but what the hell it was beautiful no matter what. The only thing that freaked me out was all the Iguanas running around!! Sittin on the beach and the lil bastards would just walk right by ya or stop and stare at ya lol I talked to them, that was funny to see me askin them to leave me the hell alone lol. I have to admit I drank so much while I was there, trust me I don't drink that often but wow do as the natives do. I flew home with a damn hang over now that's something I never wanna do again. Ya know that alone in paradise thing? I had alot of time to do some thinking. I've come up with some decisions that would surprise some but others well who gives a shit anyhow lol. I'm goin to go see about goin to Culinary Arts school to get my degree. That is supposed to take 2 yrs but I love to cook. Just hope if and when I do get out there and start workin again people that I really don't like don't happen to pop in where I may be workin lol that would be pretty damn funny if ya know what I mean ?? My love life is well I should say interesting lol I go out once in awhile with friends but my heart belongs to someone not from here so it's hard to spend time with them right now but that's gonna change too. Now come on you know I can't make it easy on myself lol. I'm not gonna go into that on here cause well I just don't want everyone to know all my business. Ya know the kind of people that like to check up on ya just to see what ur up too well guess what that part of my life is a closed door. Just know my heart has been given to someone very special. Ok now that I've updated everyone lol now let's do some bitching !!! I have some people in my life that say oh I'm gonna do this or that and never follow up on what they say they're gonna do. Well I call that lying. I hate it and I really try not to do it myself, not saying I haven't but not on a regular basis and I at that point really don't mean to go back on my word cause in all honesty that all we really have is our word. I always try not to make a promise if I know I can't hold up to that promise. I'm not saying I can always fulfill it but it's not from a lack of trying. Well I know some assholes who make a habit out of it and boy does that fry my ass!! It's been interesting for me as of the last couple monthes, I'm supposed to take a couple different kinds of medicines for this bipolar shit and I haven't been takin it. I got tired of the feeling some much but couldn't say it out loud I had it all bottled up for so long now I'm just busting all kinds of balls lately. Of course I have some that are really not liking this at all. They would rather me be on these meds so I will shut up and keep puttin up with everyone walkin all over me and that's coming to a halt too. I have walked away from people that were making me feel unsure about who I am and complaining about the path I'm takin because they didn't think I should for their own reasons. I take the pathes I take because I have things I have to learn for me to be who I am and to grow. I became friends with people that did some of the things my brother did so I could understand his path and to be able to understand why I felt the way I did. Not always the wise choice but I'm better for it. Oh hell yeah there were some that didn't want or couldn't understand it but it wasn't for them to do so. This is my journey not anyone elses. I can handle concern, advise, and even criticizism but don't tell me I'm wrong when you don't know what it is that I'm doing or why. Don't ya just love it when people that are supposed to care about you do nothing but put you down and make you feel bad about urself? Well I had alot of people doing that to me and well I'm not dealing with it. I don't have to!! I'm tense as hell and sick to my stomach because I traveled down so old memeory roads that I should have just left alone but ya know ya just have to look back and say to urself wow I put up with that, why didn't this happen then with this or that?? I know you never should look back and say what if or should've, could've, or would've . What a dip shit I was for doin that but again a learning path as always for me. I will admit I sit and cry because of things I learn and some I just sit and laugh at myself and tell myself yeah you were a dumbass there lol Oh well !! ok so I'm done with this for now but rest assured I'll be back with more to bitch about. Love those who really care about me for me and I'm always here for you.... Love Ya <3 <3
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