Angel's blog: "Ok Now Deal Wit Me"

Impossisilities Can someone please explain to me their version of impossible, mine is something that you cannot do because it just can't be done or cannot be done because you're too afraid to even try. I've been in a situation lately where I have been trying to overcome fears to get somewhere even if it's just for a few precious days. When I explained what I was trying to do and why to the one person I was trying to get to, I was told that they had thought it impossible so they never really had been expecting it anyhow. I thought it was impossible for me to live my life without a fulltime man in my life, I tried it and I'm doin the impossible. I get help from friends once in awhile but after 2 yrs and 3 monthes I guess I beat the impossible. I thought it impossible to trust a man again but one of my best friends is a man. I know my limitations as for the trust goes. I know I can trust him with my life and that of my kids' lives. Another impossibility made possible cause i tried. I thought it impossible to feel good about who I am again. I lost alot of weight and did alot of soul searching. I've gained some of the weight back but I'm comfortable with myself enough to say I'm beautiful in my own way. I can say I'm a caring, compassionate, intelligent, and respectable person. I was all these things before but couldn't show it because I had alot to learn to understand. I made it possible to be the real me which I thought was impossible. I thought I never would go anywhere, I would just spend my life right here where I grew up. Now with the help of a special person I'm flying to St.Thomas in the Virgin Islands for a 2 weeks stay. I'm goin to pack as much into those 2 weeks as I can. I want to learn everything I can and see it all. Again something I thought to be impossible. So how can I sit back and allow myself to stay away from someone who feels it impossible for us to ever see each other even if it's for a short time? Should I give up because they say it's impossible in their mind? Should I keep trying to break that wall? Of course I have to ask myself do I want to continue to try when they choose not to try. I guess I'll have think on it and see if I should find another wall to climb? I feel I'm at the age where it's vital for me to live a life I always thought impossible. I want the best for my kids but it's time for me spread my wings and start to learn how to fly on my own. So I guess we all have to ask ourselves~ What is really impossible?? I think it depends if you want it to be or not. Of course some walls can be busted thru but I'd rather do the ones that I have to climb. I like the challenge of climbing them and face all the fears along the way. What impossible walls stand in front of you?????

September 12, 2006 Today Have you noticed as of late the children or young adults that we get to deal with on an everyday basis now? Wow what the hell happened to respect for others and themselves? I look around at the younger generation of today and I am ashamed of what I see. I'm not going to say that it's all the kid's fault because you learn what you live. You have some kids, for arguement sake right now they are kids , the parents are so wrapped up in their own life that they just hand the kids whatever they want to pacify them. I hear" Oh I don't want them to have to have it the way I did growing up". Well ok I can see that but we are teaching them it's ok to sit on their asses and expecting someone else to take care of them instead of them being responsible and doing good in school and getting good jobs. Everytime they get in trouble we bail them out instead of making them take care of the things they need to do on their own. Yes we have all had a rough life at some point but we are putting kids out there who don't care about what they do or don't do because the parents will fall all over themselves to fix it for them. It used to be we had to get jobs and earn the money for a car or the things we wanted. Now I know kids need things, there is a difference between need and want. I'm guilty of this just as well but I do see what I'm doing wrong. I have a 14 yr old son right now who I am at battle with. I have tried letting him express himself and I see more laziness all the time. It used to be "Mom what do you need me to do or can I help you do that". Now I have to bitch to get him to do just about anything. I am sick of seeing kids with pants hanging down off their asses clothes that look like they stold them from an older brother or sister just so they can be like the rest of the kids. If you try to stop it then you get the guilt trip that we are trying to make the other kids not like them cause they are different. How can I try to make my son see it's best to get into the habit of being more responsible when all he sees is a bunch of spoiled kids who get whatever they want and to hell with the pride of knowing you accomplished something on your own.We are sending a bunch of lazy irresponsible kids out into the world with no clue what to do by themselves.I know there are kids that have noone to have teach them anything, but yet they are usually the most ambitious of them all they know how to do what has to be done to survive. They understand they will have to earn their way through life. Here's a prime example of what I mean if you're to damn lazy to figure it out for yourselves: I have alot of younger people in my life because of my daughter who is 20. Now she was raised by her grandparents and they sheltered her all her life and has been given pretty much everything she wanted now she is getting the shit knocked out her by the real world that she is so frustrated with all the things she is now finding that has to be done and can't have someone do it for her. She screwed around in school now she is regretting it because she didn't go to college. She just thought someone would take care of everything for her. Yeah right join the real world!!!! Noone does anything for you unless they expect something in return and it's not always a good thing they want back. She is now finally trying to hold a job and maybe getting a second job but yet wants to go back to school. Ok hey I'm proud as hell of that. It's been a long road for her in the learning process cause now she has a "friend" who wants to sit on their ass and do nothing and when I say nothing I mean nothing. They are asked to do something and they agree to do it but don't and just make excuses as to why they didn't or can't. This person wants to sit there and have her pay for everything so they can continue to do nothing.Now I know the one parent of this "friend" and they are good people but something went wrong. I just hope that somewhere anyone will read this and maybe we as parents can change what is happening to our youth of today. It scares me to think the youth of today are gonna be taking care of this country and us when we get older. Ok now my next complaint: This summer I got out alot more than usual to the parks and saw alot of fathers with their kids. An awesome site I have to admit atleast they want to be a part of the kid's lives.Now here it comes and I know from experience!!!! What the hell is wrong with parents today??? You lay down with this person you're with and make the kids but then dads walk away from the kids and don't show up when they are supposed to or just don't show up at all. The kids have things going on at school for dads and they bring a grandparent or a neighbor cause their dad won't come. Or say you're married and have kids, you get divorced, ok it happens, and the mother knows the dad is a fantastic parent and loves their kids with all their hearts and would do anything to get to see them. Then you get the situation where we women don't let the dads see the kids cause they want to use the kids to get what they want out of the dads. I AM NOT SAYING THE ROLES AREN"T REVERSED IN THIS SITUATION!!!!! Who has determined that a mother is the best suited parent to raise the kids??? I know when I went through my divorce I was told " Don't worry it's almost impossible to get the kids off of the mother". Why are we always assumed to be the better parent?? I know some dads that are the better parent and they get screwed over because the courts say hey you're a woman so that makes you a better parent. BULLSHIT!!! Both parents are more than suitable to raise the kid(s). Shouldn't we determine who has the kids by who is the better parent not just assume the mother is the better of the two?? I know moms that have the kids and they are not worth the time a dog takes to sniff someones ass. The court don't care we are woman hear us roar. I also know dads that just make kids but don't give a shit to do what they are supposed to do. I'm sure somewhere I'm pissing someone off and I don't care. Those kids are our future stop fucking them up. They are not a game but are people just like us and need to be guided to do the right thing in life. Teach them to want to succeed and to be responsible. I know I don't want my kids to do to me like what other kids do when I get older and just throw me into a home for the elderly and say well ok I did what I had to do and walk away and not care cause they have more important things to do than to take the time and do what we were taught to do. I would hope that if I hadn't taken the time to show my kids so far they are loved and I want the best for them and want them to be the best person they can be that I die before I have to rely on kids that are as ignorant as some of the kids I see now cause they are a bother in our busy schedules or just don't care. Ok stop reread what I just said, you may be the one left in a home and ignored so take the damn time to show you care and are responsible cause it will come back to bite you in the ass. What's that song?? Cats in a Cradle, the phrase I believe said over and over I'm gonna be just like you Dad. There you have it. Do whatever you want with what I said I really don't give a shit as usual but I know how I want to be treated when i get older and maybe need my kids to take care of me. Have a good one

September 09, 2006 Unattainable Love There is always the one person, be it a man or woman, that you can never get out of your mind or heart. You know that you l0ve them and they fell the same love for you. You spend your time with each other talking about the goings on of the life around you and them. Discussing politics and health care, the differences between your countries or cities, and the family issues we all have at one time or another. You have debates that get heated and it stimulates your minds. You tell some of the corniest jokes that either of you have heard but laugh til you about wet your pants from laughing because of who told you the joke. Somehow they make everything so much funnier or so more important then you really think yourself. You tell each other that you love the other with all your heart and mean it deep within your soul.The things that don't get said only because you're afraid it will hurt each other not because it was mean or cruel but because you can't be with each other. The love you feel is so strong you can read it in the words said or wrote, and if the chance comes about that you get to look in their eyes and see the pain you feel yourself. To cry because you have to say goodbye until next time. You come to a point where you can't say goodbye but say I Love You Heart & Soul Truely Madly Deeply For Ever and Always , Laterz, *gone just so you don't have to say the one thing you never want to say to each other. Afraid to look at each other when you have to part because one or both will have tears in their eyes. You know that you'll see each other again but what if you never do? The fear is always there that something will happen and you'll never get to say I Love You again or to hear the stories of the day. It's frightening to know it can happen that way at anytime with anyone in your life. In the experiences that we have with the ones in our lives can be so different then with others. When all you can say is Someday we'll be together forever and never be apart again but do we know when Someday is? We can't know just pray that it comes to happen Someday. We all have an Unattainable Love, do you really know who's yours? It can be a friends husband or wife, a best friend that you're afraid it will destroy what you have and lose them forever, or someone you've never been able to touch but know in your soul so deep that it's undeniable you're meant to be together til the end of time. If you haven't felt that way then maybe you've been lucky enough to have had that person with you already or just haven't realized they are the one for you yet. I hope and pray that noone has to feel that way, it is one of the most painful things a soul can go through. If you love someone like what I have just described then I hope you do whatever you have to to be with that person or you'll spend your life looking in from the outside and feel like the loniest person on the earth. To the lovers of the world cherish what you do have you could lose it or never have a chance to have it at all. <3<3

As everyone knows I have been on a journey to find answers to things that haunt me every turn I make. Some of you know my brother Russel died in '96, well next month makes it 10 yrs and I'm still trying to understand why did it have to happen. I have been talking to some people who knew him and have dealt with the same problem. I have been thinking that I just missed him. I now realize I am just so damn angry at him for leaving us. I know he didn't choose to do it but in a way he did. He had some real bad habits, some of you know but others don't but let's rehash this for hopefully will be the last time. Russ had a drug addiction, he would have sold his own mother to satisfy that habit. I understand that now. But why didn't he come to me and ask for help? I know a few people who joke with me and call me Super Jacki cause I'm always trying to save someone or help this person and that person. I would probably give an arm to help someone. I've always been that way but more so since he died. I felt it was my responsiblity to stop his problem but now I know only he could have stopped it. I couldn't have done anything but stand back and watch. I have been blaming me when it was him that was at fault. Please don't get me wrong I Love Him still with all my heart but why couldn't he stop it. Maybe it's because he was so tortured because of his past. Maybe it was because he didn't mean to get addicted. I'll never know!!!!! I cry and ask him all the time why did you do this. Maybe he couldn't help it. I'm so damn mad I can't stand it. It's funny how it has taken me all this time to realize it wasn't just missing him that was hurting me it was I am mad. Did I not want to accept that???? Maybe it's I've been searching all this time and just realized the true problem. I'm pissed off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost hate him for this. I have for all these years tortured myself because I should have been the one to die not him I was ready, I'm the older one I should have taken first, and I should have been able to save him even if it was from himself. Can you believe that I was more than willing to give my life just to somehow save him? I guess when you love someone you're willing to give anything of yourself to take care of them and make them safe. Fucked up theroy but that was my thoughts on it. Noone has any idea how I think. My thought process is all messed up, they say it's because of the bipolar that I don't process information differently. Ok well maybe that is true but that was my thoughts on it. I know it's fucked up!!! Anyhow Thanks for reading this. Now that's a full look in my head. Love Ya'll <3

Sometimes As I sit here day in and day out I think back to older times. I know I shouldn't because it just brings back all the pain I've held onto. I try to forget, try not to think about you. Sometimetimes I sit someplace we shared laughs and try to remember the smell of your body close to me, the feel of your touch, the taste of your kisses, and the sound of your laughter. It seems so easy for you to forget those things. Do you see the tears in my eyes as you left as you did so often? Do you remember the sound of my voice as I said I Love You? Sometimes do you think about me? Do you remember the feel of my skin against yours? I know I should move on like you have but I remember you. I gave myself fully and you took me completely. You said you'd love me forever, I guess I was the only one who meant it. Maybe you will and just want me to think you don't to make it easier. Who does it make it easier for? Sometimes I remember how we were so long ago. All the pain we shared with one another. We held each other through it all and now I have noone to hold me. Sometimes I have someone I start to let close but then I get scared I'll be left behind with a crying heart again. I have been over this in my mind and heart so many times to try to figure out why you stopped loving me. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do anymore? You say it wasn't my fault but if you loved me before why don't you now? Why can't you answer that? Is it that hard to say? Are you worried you'll hurt me more? How can you? My heart has been bled already. Are you afraid I'll wanna die? I'm already there. Sometimes I think if I knew it would help keep it from happening again. Do you think about or want me back, even if it's SOMETIMES?

June 26, 2006 The True Me Here we go again!!!!!!! I recently have had alot of things on my mind, WTF is new??? To be honest I have been on a personal search for what is supposed to be the real me. I have been told by some of the people that are closest to me that I need to get back to the true me so that way I stop getting hurt. I know before I was always this loud mouth who didn't take shit from anyone. I didn't care about anyone's feelings when something bothered me, I did just didn't show it to anyone. Well I did care about everything and everyone. I was the one that took care of everyone else. I was the one who took care of business when it needed to be taken care of. I seemed to be this hard ass bitch who could give a rats ass about anything. I then fell in love with a man for the first time. You know who you are and I'm sure you're gonna check this you always do. I, for the first time in my life there was someone who wanted to take care of me and protect me from all the people who were just using me and hurting me. I gave all control to him. I chose to do so of my own free will. I wanted someone to take care of me for once in my life. He did take care of me in every way there was. As time went by I think he got tired of me letting him take care of everything for me. I would ask if it was ok for me to do anything. I again did this of my own free will. I know in my heart he was trying to do a good thing for me but as time went by things went bad. I believe in my heart that if I hadn't given up all of myself to him we may have still been together today. I was no longer the strong woman he fell in love with. I know this is all speculation on my part atleast from his point of view. Now that I'm on my own I've had a very bad time at it because I had forgot how to be that hardass woman who took no shit. I do know this about me I am the true me but without the guard up. I gave that all up a long ago so now I have to rebuild it. I may never be able to do that completely. What scares me is that if I do build it again I may never allow anyone in again. I don't want to push everyone away for fear of getting hurt. I know all I have to do is pick up the phone and the rescue will be on the way but I really try not to do that. I try to deal with everything on my own. There are things that are causing my trouble and that is that I have a huge heart and I try to help everyone. My guard is not up so I get fucked basically. I have been letting that happen because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Well I was told to soul search for the truth. Well there it is, maybe I have been doing it all along but I wouldn't admit the truth. The truth is I am the real me without the guard. I am a very nice person with a heart of gold for everyone even those who try to screw me over. I will take a beating before I will hurt anyone else. I have to build my guard back up beause if I don't I will end up in the nut ward or worse. I almost signed myself in this past weekend cause I am at the point where all the pain I still feel is driving me crazier than before. I feel sometimes I have no place to hide but in truth I hide all the time within myself. I try to keep it all in and it eats at me. To those who have been there telling me to get my balls back. I'm trying not to be a hardass again. Thank God for my friends and My KIDS are the bomb they are so worried about me and trying to take car eof me now. I love and cherish them with all my heart Hugs and Kisses to you all Love Goes to those who know who I'm talking about

June 08, 2006 Ramblings of a Personal Journal I'm just a few weeks away from my 39th birthday(whipty shit). I figured by now I would have a different life then what I do have. I'm not complaining although I have reason to. No sence in doing that it just burdens others and I think myself to be a nice person. I'm sitting on the waterfront in Wheeling, right by where my brother Russ took his last breath. I have no cemetary to go to. His ashes were spread on a hill where used to camp, his wife was so nice not to show us where. So I come here to talk to him alot when I'm troubled. My religious beliefs are conflicting even for me. Explanation- I believe that everyone begins in Heaven as souls or spirits. We have 2 halves, 1 being ourselves and the other our mate. We are all born into bodies and live the life of that body then that body dies and we go to another new born body. We do this until our soul has reached it's goals and has found our mate. When we acheived these goals we can finally go home to God and recieve our wings. The conflicting part is this, even though I strongly believe the other part I want to believe my Russ is watching over me and guiding me. Now for a few that talk to me often know I have had alot of turmoil lately. My belief about my Russ is somewhat reinforced by ppl that have come back to my life that knew Russ. These ppl have become a burden to me mentally, physically, and financially. I feel in my heart this has been for a reason in which I haven't found out what yet. I do know I have been reminded that I am a good person with a huge heart. I forgot that for a long time and thought I was worthless and should be treated badly. I haven't really done anything wrong, I have made mistakes and did hurt a few ppl along the way but not on purpose. The truth is I am my worst enemy. I know this to be true because I have let these things happen to me. I trust to much, and care to much. I know who cares about me, and by all rights I should call them my Angels. They are always there for me no matter what the problem. It could be I can't sleep and they sit up all night joking around with me with smiley's til I about wet myself or help me to know that I am beautiful and desirable. They are who make me feel wonderful besides my kids. My kids and friends are what keep me going everyday. I don't really have much family to speak of. Most ppl would consider it disfunctional, I say it's FUCKED UP!!!!! Noone talks to noone. It's a shame I can't go to my family for guidance I go to my dead brother. His life was one of torment but I come to him. He was lost in life too so who better to understand. My son Jeff is my main reason for even bothering to stay alive. He and I are all we have had for years. When I was sick after the split with my ex bf of many years, Jeff took care of me. I should have been in the hospital. He ran the house pretty much, reminded me when things needed done. He wouldn't go with his friends because he figured I needed him. Jeff explained to the dr how I had been, the testing began. I was so close to having my whole body shut down. I did what I had to to get back to now. My son saved my life. I'm still here for him, it's hard at times cause I still struggle everyday. Lately has been real hard, I've had the thoughts I'm not supposed to have.