Catalyst of Insanity TO Girl's blog: "Messed up no more"

soo i sitting up again thinking of how i just wanna talk to Rob i should have wrote this last night sighs i didnt even think of that great way to vent but one of my best friends in the whole wide universe is in the hospital and i jsut sending all my good vibes his way hoping he will be ok cuz he meansthe world to me like best friend so if u got some good vibes send them to him to get well.... he one of those truly amazing ppl and ya he needs all our good vibes so pray cross ur fingers well wish do what ever it is u do but he needs it right now much love Sheila

so this bday has just all round rocked started off with the weekend sat night being insane dancing free cover free vip free drinks do it up right ya :P here i thought no one would go dancing with few will had such a hard time but then my good friend saves me takes me dancing at the clubt its jsut awsome then enters mr. *i wear my sunglasses at night * :P dances up behind me dropa to his knees he wild he a dance my frind pulls us up to the frount of the club away from him and i am slightly sad but he finds me again once again coming up behind me ... we all had soo much fun dancing away hours and share a cab to my friends wre we party it up all night long .... sooo needed so weirder still i never been invted to easter but the guys asked us to come to there easter party it was awsome good drinks great meal so fun party party party they even had cake for me it was epic so sweet thoughtful fun and jsut a blast thre there friends were amaaing just good time all round so this is now hitting on day 3 we wake up to kalua coffee bday cake ahh bliss and Nik was a doll we went home 2gether some hwo he truned out to live here lucky huh right where i live same city everything so at home its easter so wine wine wine tuseday was jsut a dayh of rest pure bliss and now for the real day gym great ... ering meh but omg seeing christie and Alicia Felicia mandy was awsoem pre party drinks haha evil grin then dinner drinks ice cream lol just lots of grrat talk so nice after that i se felicias dad whos like a 2nd dad to me then after that its off to the bus i miss it so i go ont he train with felicia .... my mom gets me we stop at this place i grab food drinks all the time i get free drinks then i run int osome girls form like 6th 7th gr high school it was awsoem we have like soo many shooters blow jobs lol haha so fun sooooo fun adn i get all these numbers best of all theres still the weekend parties a head then

i wanna reach out but i find ur never there like a shadow now a ghost lost to the years almost like u were nver real and i still wanna feel u reach out to find u never there u didnt come back this time and i suffer for it been a long time longing foolish for my thinking u might be there again u never came back this time longing wanting needing sadisfaction no one is like u no one touches me that way hits that spot takes enuff

Ok so i went ou tot he movies tonight .... now after a scary movie be it every movie scares me cuz i am jumpy i hate the long drive thru all the contry roads like i will close my eyes half the time i new i wasx more then just a lil jumpy as our exit was caped in fog ..... not just htat but he rest of the ride home .... every thing was jumping out at me silly yes then the car ahead of us wopuld swich on and off his high beems for no reason and he started breaking a lil every time a car pasted at 1st this wasnt so bad but at one point he was havin g us at a semi stop he like stoped in the middle of no wear on the road ahead of us started blinking his lights there was nothuing wrong and then when a car came behind us he started again thank god cuz no only did i have a mild panic the driver and our freidns were freaking out now too we the big van pass us get in the middle and at 1st were all going along then again the lil green crazy car did this we truned round he was sending vibes like everthing about how they acted seemed scary and off i thought he was gonna kill us

i am so sick of everthing ... i if u bother to read would know and going thru hell these days ...i been living on a sofa ...b/c my dad wanted to play more of his fucking mind games ..... on me and my mother my mother is manic depressive bi polor and a few otehr things mixed in there for u kiddies who dont know that means sometimnes she is in her own world to i sm in that world i depresssed as of lately i have horible raped by 3 men a few month ago really havnt been my self since i went crazy i was in film scho0ol chasing my dreams now i not thats all thre is to that my fahter thought since i wasnt doing it just how he wanted ..... he flew out form alberta changed the locks on me ... i am at my moms on her sofa and my god she lost it she gone and right lost it now everthing is my dooing everthing wrong in her life is my fault tell u when ru depressed and face days wher ur wishing u were dead thats not good when ur so scard and u cant even sleep at night and dont swleep for days then finally get some confort a lil rest and she comes out screaming about things u dont have a clue what she taloking about blaming u for everthing wrong in her life to the point u bashing hte phone over ur head wishing u could just break it open be done ... when u crying cuz u cant even take the day anymore and i kinow its her illness but i cant take this i not that strong any more i am not i anot i am not i want all be over i dont wanna feel like this i didnt want everthing to go all to hell i dont want to have anaity and panic attacks i dont wanna have it be like this i dont wanna feel thsi way i dont want too i dont know what to do i seriusly dont even want to breath right now i cant handle this

U know whati really miss ... someone writtin a song about me i love when ppl do that i havnt had smeone wetite me a song in a few years sighs i miss that just thinking i am silly anyways back to what u were doing now

Sooo y havnt u yet :P just click that pic click it it will take u there

Ur thinking what is hse talking bout so here is what u get if ur the highest bidder -Own who u bid on for a month -all of ur pics r rated -all stash rated as well -A *Salute* pic from person u win with ur name included (side note its rare i do these for freidns even so if u win u get something special) -A Mummm about u -Comments daily form them and ther undivided attenion ~In my Family to view all pics ~ u can bid what ever u want fubucks tickers vip blasts or happy hours and thats the just of it :P

so this year alreay rocks shit over last year i feel sexy i have nice hair and i got to be held but someone fab yep yep all in all good so far

so yes this year has been nothing but crazy for me at the start of this year i laid in the arms of the man i thought i was gonna merry i was full of hope to but doubted i would ever get the schocolarship for school yet i tried anyways i was living in a house with my monther now the impact of a few chances will change me forever wont they i memeber when i got the new i got my scholoarship i also memeber when my faincee tossed the ring at me and i gave it back to him told him to ask proper he slipped it in my bag i really should have know better when i found it he asked me proper had i not mis read this act alot of time and pain could have been avoided i wont forget what it feels like to shortly there after telling all ur friends an family b/c dispite the fact he asked me in the summer and then had the ring for xmas i never told anyone with otu the rin i wanted them to think good things of him ... but yes back to that bad feeling ... of when he told me i didnt mean it that way and had i been paying attenin i would have know he didnt mean to ask me at the time that made no sence what u get on a knee and ask for 2nd time this tiem with a ring b/c u dont mean it ... yet now a year later i can say the fact he tried ti jsut sneak the ring in my bag and i found it that fact was something i should have known to mean he was giving me the ring not asking me to merry him anymore i get that now but just he same we broke up and made up a week later and kept with this for a good 3 months b4 we broke up for good due to distance and the biggest amazing in my life i got into film school not only that i had an 8000 dollar scholoarship i was thrilled i was going ... this is y i say we ended but i know the real reaosdn was he didnt mean it anymore ... off to school now this was a scary yet amazing time i stuck it out and got 85% proving to my self and the guys i could hold up with them and ther 5-20 years in the biz lol ... i was so proud enter scean 2 this i call welcome to penthouse 13 so my dear daddy ass whole that is moves me into hsi penthouse for school he wants me closer now this is where hell starts ... i just so happen to have this thing called pride and thus having my 1st home be amazing penthouse with a view i want to party i want to showe p[pl and u should always be carful who u let in this lesson i learned well as i was raped by few guys that weekend ... months of pain and fear and panic attacts still with me but u know what i am heathy i amd clean yay they didnt give me anything i am so lucky ... but not u know this is what ruined my life ,,, i can put it back togehtr mind u i am sure i learned so much this year jsut what i can handle as i had to take a medical leave this is where dear daddy becomes asswhole ... co,ming down on me for not telling him the day it happend the fact i even said it to him was amazing but no he dosnt see that he sees bad money pissing round in his place bvut not the point the streath i show here amazes me still i couldnt leave the hosue for weeks i was scard scard of men and i walked back thru those school door dow nteh hall and into a program of all men 24 7 and i stood strong right thru the next 4 month i was so thrilled it was the hardest thing i have done but i faced them every day with my panics and my pain i went to class ... the onl,y thing that held me formn it is my father who pulled the plugs on me to think this year i have lived in a penthouse and been homeless all in 12 month span now how many can say this lol but i can my father who was paying for school changed his mind and with that my school is done i know that sounds like i shouldnt be doin that but with film school its not poissile to work roudn u never have set times to be on set its weather depenant there for not workable at least not enuff ot support my self thru school and to come home to find ur doors locks nothing feels like that nothing so then u find me now homeless for now i will be fine out of school disjointed for my dreams slightly broken but stil strong and here i am still being held strong arms hold u when u need them sometimes i guess the world wants to mind me of that last year u coudlnt have told me any of this would happen i wouldnt belive u i woundnt i would have said i would be merry in colorado lol i wouldnt beliuve i would see and taste my dreams i wouldnt belive i could be sooo strong and still stnad not be in peaces on the ground i wouldnt think i could do the things i have done and i wouldnt belive in any of it but it happened so where wil i be next year i wonder