Catalyst of Insanity TO Girl's blog: "Messed up no more"

u sit here tinking about all the shit everthing that made this year so horible and u r assamed u cant handle this ... i can handle this ...the attack in july those horible pills witch btw i think have dome something to my kidney cuz it hurts to breath ... just hte samed theres nothing really i feel like everthings jsut fucked i dont forseee anything getting better i am leqavng school ... dreams gone everthing dead i just hate everthing right now i hurting so much that i had to go thru this i dont know why i dont get it i dont know y thought it was gonna be any differtn theen last time i mean theres my moms family who try but never can and my dad who could but never dose offers andm akes u think things but then dosnt hold thru i mean i 21 i didnt wqant to go to school till i could afford it he gose just do it i will help i didnt want to but whwen i got that shocloarship i was liek lets go for it and he fucking fulls out chanbed the locks on me stopps helpong and he will help but he changed his mind again but only after its all so fucked up; i mean for a months i been homleszs my grades r way down everthing is jsut fucked theres like no really way to fix it what do they think i super girl i can do well when i homeless and ahve no were to go no were to sleep am emontialy distriot i been thur hell this year i was raped by muiltpal guys i was on these horible pills to provent getting hiv thank god i didnt get that pills r good lol but they make u so ill it was horible i had to withdraw witch hurt so bad cuz i wanted this so much .... then the eelings of panic set in and i just felt horible the night mares the feeliong of forzen i couldnt movei was trapped and i fell still hopless and i hurt .... and my own father fucking didnt belive me i was pissing round his place ... he dosnt wannaa put good money at bad money he calledm e bad money he dosnt even know me he has been on drugs my whole life he never been there for me ever not once not once when i needed someone has be been there ...he changed the locks on me he flew out form alberta changed the locks on me when i started to catch up things were getting better and he changed the lock on me its like i dont know i siting here crying now thinking what the poinbt even being alive nothing ever gets beter and when i think for once i can do something like school for me it all gose to hell i didnt get to finish highschool cuz my dad wasnt there and my mom was in and out of the hospital i had to work and i was finally getting to go to school and do something that felt like it was worth while and it felt like things might be better but no and right now i wish i could just not be anywhere or anything at all i wanna be puff gone i dont wanan get up anymore i dont wanna start anymore or do anything anymore i give up

Soooooo i found one a very nice colourful house with a woman who is fun and colourful to a few students such as myu self it will be nice my room looks like sun shine its right near school fun funky naborhood i love it

hmmm so i was agruing about all this bull shit going on right now ... and i said over and over and over to just drop it and with being homless right now and being stressed out anmd not knowinghow the hell anything is gonna work i dont need ppl giving me hell i guess i am a lil lose canon right now cuz i was freaking bashed my head agaisnt the car window and wow i smashed it looks down fuck i didnt know i could get that mad but i am ok not a strach and they agree they were pushing me cuz i had said about 200 times for half an hour to jsut fucking drop it so no one is mad at me just the same i dont feel right right now

Sighs so i dont know what to say the world spins wild and i find my self on the out side of my home i can handle this i have amazing ppl in my life who love me who will help me i am in rock hard place with school for i am unwilling ot be a show pony and jump thru hoops i am given no respect nor compassion nor love i should have know better i really should have my father is incapable of thinking of anyone but him self his needs his wants his guilt his diser his way well i dont want it i not a child anymore he missed that part stoned out of his fucking mind its un just in a wolrd where a man can put a miillion $$$ up his nose in coke but cant handle responitliy of helping one year unless u do what ever he says when he says it its like dose he not maybe think had he been a father form 1-18 i would have always done his way but fuck he should have helped then anyways i didnt ask to be born y should i be punished for it ????? he harassess the admin at my school making sceans and he acts like a child having a tatrum when he dosnt get hsi way i dont know much more on this i can rant but the facts r he sets u up to fuck u over play mind games well i dont want any of those games i dont like when he thought cuz i didnt call him enuff a good way to get his point across was to say mygreat grandmonther died he is fucked in the head .... i told him ur completly insensitive he was like no no i am very sensetive and i was like to ur feeling yes overly but anyone elses u trample and stomp on and could give a flying fuck about he offten uses his term selfish term through good money at bad money its lik in the 1st term of school i was gettiign 85% i was raped and went thru alot of fear cuz i might have been exposed to hiv i wasnt the tests r back now and i am heahty but the fact was i had to deal with this school gave me a leave of absnts to di the meding stuff with this he seems to think this is areaosn for me to not be worthy of finishing school cuz dispite hte school to,d me i couldhave as long as i wished to re cover and be ready he wasl iek go back in a month or fucking never go back i wont help u he 2 years ago became clean and said he wanted to help me offered me a placve and tpo [ay for school i foolishly thought it was the drugs that made him a selfish un caring asshole i was wrong well anyways the next term after forcing my self back when all my testing wasnt done i still was having panic attaxcks couldnt leave teh house and i am in a class of all guys needless to say didnt go well now the school told me o couldhand in all the work later and they want to see me do well cuz i good at this father on the other hand gose back to that good money at bad money things .... mind u i got low mark the average is still about 70% so my god i not failing could it be his rules r biting him since he paying as long as i not failing but u know what ....screw him he dosnt even know my marks yet there not in cuz the schools letting em hand my stuff in cuz they feel i should get that ... what dose my dad think with his fucked head she pissing round not working wasting my time my money living in my place ... witch i might point out had he paid chiouldsupport when i was a kid he prob wouldnt even own for all the shit this main should have done the poinbt is he dosnt put good money at bad money well he is a right off in my books i dont even know hwo to talk to him i really do its sad cuz i always wanted a father not in the cards i cant have ppl play games with me try and make be cray in scgool

Ohhhh today is a dreaM IT REALLY IS FOR ANYONE WHO talked to me and really talked to me knows what i am going thur today i got it back Negitive they didnt kill me lol they hurt me but its gonna make me stronger i pretty much in the clear and can stop freaking just knowing the big scary is over is amazing feeling i soo happy right now ohhh and Rob with out u i would have gone insane much love dear

I lost my self a some where. Had a VARY INTRESTING YESTERDAY . I didnt know i wasso ez to read that bothers me a little but hey i have always prided my self to e an open book least online ... but to know that in a month and a half one person in my class just gets me how i feel with out hardly even speaking to me just by watching wow thats just it shocked me .. How much i must be amitting this lost vibe this distraced person who cant foucse ... He said now is time to put that in the past its gone over it wont come back so dont think about it its yesterday He said that if i want to be something now is the time to become it ... So many 1st and with my age thats alot ... He said think of who u wanna be and act like that soon it will just be that way. He warned me not to talk with the guys they dont get it there all warp up being techie and not the talking kind that even he has to stop talking lol so it just made me feel better He made so man y points and it scares me that someone just gets me its like wow and we havnet really had more then a 10 min convo since about 2 month ago e had a an hour or so one its like he said lots of good facts that r kinda sinking in ... Mind u its not the 1st time i hear them A really amazing friend of mine ben talling me that for months lol i just need to have it beat in to my brain over and over b4 i get it ... One thisn that amazes me is that someone can be so in tune toothers ... i didn t realize anyone payed me that kind of attenion anymore... he said something else i dont want u talking about some old guy tell me about the hot new guys ur meeting ... u never know whos watching u getting to know u and when ur gonna do something that blocks them form u so forget about the past.... sums it up with what did we learn lol Be new and be lil more quite and no more old just new and its write we talked aobut how mosth e time friends r just ppl who are there vary few r real for u who get u will be there and thats even more tru when u realize how alone u are i have 2 friends real friends who are not gone half the time who i open up to share everthing one of them dosnt even live here.... the rest of the ppl r just there

U know i just noticed i havent written in a while ... so ya school is awsomei way busy but way loving it... other then that i am moving soon missing a good friend cuz he is moving lol i cant talk to him pouts ... Now for the Fire I had the most amazing day last week when out getting feild recordings at the beach noticed inthe darknesss across the way 2 fire balls sping in the air.... i ran for them but found them out when i got thre i asked if who ever was dancing with fire was still there and lol i asked really nicely if he might do it again so i could record the sound ..... this is called fire spining and tis truly amazing and i was so happy he spun fire just for me and got his number grins :p yes i have a new standard my next man have to be willing to spin fire for me lol dance with fire balls on another note i think i gonna take up spinning my self it looked wild i wanna learn how if not that hola hoppin with fire lol :p

i still rememeber how u said nothing there was no words just open silents the momemeents lingered and i could see it was wrong u said nothing i just wanted something but something form nothing can never be gained so ya i am foolish at times i know that i can be with ppl and feel alone alone when there flesh is on my flesh alone as there lips brush on mine i normaly have these things under control he says are u sure u wont come home with me ohh this pretty man who is touching me but i feel nothing he didnt have it under control i did not go home with him but i kissed him and rememeber what thats is like but i am still alone

so tonight my home work ....there teaching me with count with diffent bases right now we count iwth base 10 called decimal ... binary is all 1010101 and hexadecimal is base of 16 in witch numbers r symbols 0-9 and then a-f for 10-15 its confuling sighs ... so binary hexadecmal lol octal is base 8 ... lol y anyone wants to branch out of decimal base 10 i dont know ... thisx is part of sound design lol

Sooo today was not bad at all kinda good even lots done ... school was good the boys didnt talk to me much but the ones in my class never do ... the ones in the other classes r great a guy from 3rd term looked over my cityproject and he told me it was awsome and my movent was great and fade ins were awsome and atttenion to the lil things was def good and i thought of stuff most ppl dont ,,,, :D i felt good i had hot sause u need to sign a wavier to eat lol and the guy was thinking ohhh she wasnts spice i show her and he was shocked i the 1st peerson who didnt cry when they ate it :P it was good