To Those Who Read This And Know,
There are many of you who know me and know what type of person I am, then there are a few of you who don't. Those people generally have some preconcieved notions of me and what I must be like for one reason or another. I used to it honestly, I get judged for what those around me do, what my family does or have done in the past, or even who my family is. People judge me unknowingly and then turn on me when I try to correct them, well no more. I am done defending myself and my actions or at times lack of actions. I am who I am and let me tell you I am just as human as you are only I knwo how to deal with things in life better than some and still not as good as others.
I'm just sick of it, how many times do I have to explain who I am to people? Ok, this is it last time period. I am due to turn 30 years old n a few weeks and no I am not thrilled about it but I am not heart broken either. I weigh more than I should but am not uncomfortbale with the fact anymore. I am bitchier than need be at times but so is everyone else. I am a single mother with a son who will soon be 13 years old. I work hard at my job when I have to and I play just as hard when allowed. I cherish the people around me that stick with me no matter what I am going through. I am a loyal person and it takes a great deal to chase me away. I don't forget that I have been wronged in life but I do forgive and move and try not to think about the fact. I am a cold and very often distant person, there are people who I have known my entire life who still don't know everything there is to know about me. I do keep secrets but I will never lie, if I am not telling you then rest assured that there is a damn good reason for that.
I have been in love once in my life with a person and once in my life with the idea of being in love. I am not sure that I believe in love anymore, or honestly if I ever really did. I know how to love . . . but loving and being in love are different entities altogether. I love many people, but not particularly in love with any of them. I do have some strong feelings for a few people in my life and they all know who there are. The man I was in love with years ago didn't ruin me or anything of the such, he simply moved a different direction in life than I wanted to go and I was hurt but I wished him well. We both moved on and have led good lives since then. I do get emotionally attached to the wrong people all of the time . . . buy this I do not mean that I fall in love with them, it means that I attract a certain type of person and then find myself attached on some level to them.
I attract needy people who need to be rescued or saved. It is a hard thing to deal with at times but at the same time I have also met some of the greatest people in the world because of this. I'm not sure why such troubled people find me, I am not sure if they search me out or if there is something about me that screams out that I am an understanding person who will listen and try to help. I guess it doesn't matter I have found people through this who have profoundly changed me and I am thankful for that fact, very thankful. I mention this because it is part of who I am . . . I have a friend who tells me all the time that I have a big heart and I argue that fact constantly but I guess at times I do. I take care of those who need me.
I do not like children and I probably never will. I love babies because they are so young and precious and innocent and pure, but once they can walk and talk I am not so crazy about them anymore. I think more than anything I love the idea of innocence that babies project because once that is lost in life there is no way to ever get that back. Purity of the soul is something that I think I strive for in life knowing I will never get to it. I set myself up with goals such as that all of the time just to watch myself fail miserbaly in my quest. I am sure that we all do it just not everyone is aware of or will admit to the fact that they do this. I know I do. I set goals that Ican never achieve but still work my ass off to attian them and then beat myself up endlessly when I can't.
I have a complex in life, I think I need to be Superwoman on most days. I schedule things to do all the time with no time for myself. I shove 48 hours worth of activities into a 24 period and then hate myself when it doen't all get done. I strive for things in life that I will never have. I mention this because it brings me to my lack of sleep. I do not ever sleep and when I do it is for no more than 3-4 hours at the most at one time. I have what could easily be concidered chronic insomnia and this has gone on my entire life, it is not a new development.
I have other health problems that I deal with on a constant and daily basis. I have what is called ITP and it is a blood disorder that does affect my life every day. I have undergone more treatments for the problem than I care to remember then finally had my spleen removed to try to correct the problem. I also now have a viral infection of the blood stream that I will have the rest of my life. On top of this there is the fact that I have bipolar disorder which causes me to swing from manic to depressed at the drop of a hat. I have learned to control the swings on most ocasions, but I am overwhelmed at times of course. When I am depressed I cry all of the time and yell and scream at people and make them hate me. When I am maic I clean all of the time amongst other things. I also think that I may have obsessive compulsive disorder due to some weird things that I do in life.
Ok, I am not a whore or slut as many people think. I have had sex with people and I refuse to tell how many any longer because the only people who ask that are the smae people who judge you by that number. The fact of the matter is if there was/is someone that I want to have sex with I will do so. I do not believe that makes me a whore or a slut I believe that makes me aware of what I want and am not afraid to take action. I now tell people when they ask that I have slept with enough to know what I am doing but not enough to say that I am done. I have people judge me due to my flirty nature and the fact that I will walk out of a bar with men. Yep, that is true too, I will flirt all night long and when those lights come up I will walk out with whoever I want. It is the fault of the others if they assume that I am doing anything else - never bet on things that can not be proven.
Ok, I am done trying to explain myself . . .
