M3's blog: "Blog - I Think SO!"

I hear about a person loving another person, because of their money, or because they have something the person wouldn't have unless they were hitched with this person.  Essentially, the person is in love with the object.  And it's far more common than I realize.  I see it all over in real life.  For example, I watched a very attractive blonde female who was no older than 20 years old, half naked, being groped by a 50ish year old man with a subpar level of attractiveness while I was waiting in line for a concert.  It's not the age difference that bothers me, because I know I have stories to tell -- but I watched her reactions to his touching and neck pecking and whatever else.  Not once did she initiate an intimate reaction to him.  Not once did she appear to enjoy his touching; her smile was as fake as all can be.  When the announcement came over that the doors would be opening soon for the concert, she jumped up and down, clapped, and had a genuine smile.  She was there with that dude because she wanted to attend the concert (it was the Metallica concert at the new US Bank Stadium in Minneapolis). 

It got me thinking: hypothetically, this girl is this man's prize; his trophy.  He's with her because she's hot and gives blow jobs. She offers nothing else, she has nothing else.  The girl is with him because he buys her things because she's hot and gives blow jobs.  These two people are together because they want --things-- from each other, not an actual connection.  These two people can FAKE their liking of a person and actually hang around them in order to obtain their object.  

Once the blow jobs get dry and the money runs out, they depart their ways and find some other person to latch onto temporarily.  

It absolutely baffles me how people can do this.  In a way, I am jealous.  I wish I could pretend to like people for things.  If a dude I have no interest in asks me to go on a trip with him, I will turn him down.  Knowing I would have to hang around someone I didn't like for several days and do things I didn't want to do with this person would make me incredibly anxious.  Even when I fake an emotion to someone; for example, I act happy when I am angry, I end up feeling incredibly anxious and nauseated.  

So, when I'm mad, I'm mad.  When I'm happy, I'm happy.  If I don't like you, I don't like you.
I can come off abrasive because of this, but I have had so many people tell me how real I am.  What I say is what I mean.  I hide nothing intentionally.  

Mind you, there are things only I know.  I am not hiding these things, but they are things that people have never asked about. 

Fubar is one big clash of my identity.  Every single day I log on, I get anxious and nauseated -- similar feeling to being jealous or offended -- because the culture of this site is to pretend to like each other for blings/NSFWs/attention.  A person will tell me all the bad things about an individual, then buy her mass amounts of bling later.  A person will tell me how "crazy" she is, and then she ends up being his #1 Family member.  The cognitive dissonance I experience every single time I log in; the questioning of my identity that occurs every single day, is seriously playing with my head. 

The sickness is even stronger when I read people saying the same things I am saying right now:  how real they are, how much they rely on their own resources to obtain what they want -- and yet, the person is completely fake and fuMarries people they "love sooooo much" because they buy her what she wants; because the person gives her superficial attention; because the person can jerk off to her photoshopped images and call it love.  And he knows she's a fake broad using him, but being used is better than nothing at all - especially for those who struggle in real life to obtain relationships (friend or romantic). 

I continue to log in due to the investment I have made in time and money.  I also kinda like the challenge of seeing if I can overcome my "realness" and pretend to be someone I am not (hey, it's a virtual world -- we are supposed to be here to be what we cannot be in real life, whether that is a sexy model, a big dicked jock, or a unicorn).

What I am finding, however, is that Fubar really *is* destroying my soul.  Hypervigilant and lurking. People blocking me for no reason.  People who "like me so much" are saying the same thing to 19 other girls.  People not saying a thing to me, ever, and then the next day they message me when I made my photos private to them.  People begging and pleading for things.  People manipulating others.  People saying nasty things about each other. People saying nasty things about a person to me in an attempt to schmooze me; then, those people go blow a load on the images of said nasty person.  Lies and deception.  Absolutely NO loyalty.  

Yes, there are a slight few of us good eggs out there.  We don't say anything about it though.  We continue to hide in the background and watch the "pretty girls" wipe out the place.  

It's both a blessing and a curse to be able to sense people's true intentions and to be able to "feel" their personality, even in a virtual world.  Perhaps there will be a day where I can go, "huh.  This person...is...real."  A person who will stand up for me when I am right.  A person who will actually be excited to talk to me. A person who can carry on a conversation with me by asking questions, rather than typing an emoticon or a "lol" response. A person who validates my feelings instead of telling me how "wrong" I am for feeling that way.  A person who doesn't argue with every little thing I say. A person who is not a possessive liar.  A person who worships my brain more than my boobs.  

Until then, I will continue to lurk and work on my achievement points.  Continue to watch others send lovey messages to each other, even though they do not like each other.  I will continue to watch these one-sided relationships.  It will break my heart over and over again, especially being the girl who is attracted to broken relationships -- but the more experience I get watching the rollercoaster of bullshit, the better I can supply my toolbox I carry in real life.  

I got this.