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What are you waiting for?
I would take a bullet for you;
I expect you to do the same.
And if I find out about your disloyalty,
Your cowardice,
When I survive the massacre you chose to watch,
Sheepishly so,
You may as well toss the rose;
Because my existence no longer applies...
...Not for you, anyway.
I will not take a bullet for you;
I am the bullet.
I hear about a person loving another person, because of their money, or because they have something the person wouldn't have unless they were hitched with this person. Essentially, the person is in love with the object. And it's far more common than I realize. I see it all over in real life. For example, I watched a very attractive blonde female who was no older than 20 years old, half naked, being groped by a 50ish year old man with a subpar level of attractiveness while I was waiting in line for a concert. It's not the age difference that bothers me, because I know I have stories to tell -- but I watched her reactions to his touching and neck pecking and whatever else. Not once did she initiate an intimate reaction to him. Not once did she appear to enjoy his touching; her smile was as fake as all can be. When the announcement came over that the doors would be opening soon for the concert, she jumped up and down, clapped, and had a genuine smile. She was there with that dude because she wanted to attend the concert (it was the Metallica concert at the new US Bank Stadium in Minneapolis).
It got me thinking: hypothetically, this girl is this man's prize; his trophy. He's with her because she's hot and gives blow jobs. She offers nothing else, she has nothing else. The girl is with him because he buys her things because she's hot and gives blow jobs. These two people are together because they want --things-- from each other, not an actual connection. These two people can FAKE their liking of a person and actually hang around them in order to obtain their object.
Once the blow jobs get dry and the money runs out, they depart their ways and find some other person to latch onto temporarily.
It absolutely baffles me how people can do this. In a way, I am jealous. I wish I could pretend to like people for things. If a dude I have no interest in asks me to go on a trip with him, I will turn him down. Knowing I would have to hang around someone I didn't like for several days and do things I didn't want to do with this person would make me incredibly anxious. Even when I fake an emotion to someone; for example, I act happy when I am angry, I end up feeling incredibly anxious and nauseated.
So, when I'm mad, I'm mad. When I'm happy, I'm happy. If I don't like you, I don't like you.
I can come off abrasive because of this, but I have had so many people tell me how real I am. What I say is what I mean. I hide nothing intentionally.
Mind you, there are things only I know. I am not hiding these things, but they are things that people have never asked about.
Fubar is one big clash of my identity. Every single day I log on, I get anxious and nauseated -- similar feeling to being jealous or offended -- because the culture of this site is to pretend to like each other for blings/NSFWs/attention. A person will tell me all the bad things about an individual, then buy her mass amounts of bling later. A person will tell me how "crazy" she is, and then she ends up being his #1 Family member. The cognitive dissonance I experience every single time I log in; the questioning of my identity that occurs every single day, is seriously playing with my head.
The sickness is even stronger when I read people saying the same things I am saying right now: how real they are, how much they rely on their own resources to obtain what they want -- and yet, the person is completely fake and fuMarries people they "love sooooo much" because they buy her what she wants; because the person gives her superficial attention; because the person can jerk off to her photoshopped images and call it love. And he knows she's a fake broad using him, but being used is better than nothing at all - especially for those who struggle in real life to obtain relationships (friend or romantic).
I continue to log in due to the investment I have made in time and money. I also kinda like the challenge of seeing if I can overcome my "realness" and pretend to be someone I am not (hey, it's a virtual world -- we are supposed to be here to be what we cannot be in real life, whether that is a sexy model, a big dicked jock, or a unicorn).
What I am finding, however, is that Fubar really *is* destroying my soul. Hypervigilant and lurking. People blocking me for no reason. People who "like me so much" are saying the same thing to 19 other girls. People not saying a thing to me, ever, and then the next day they message me when I made my photos private to them. People begging and pleading for things. People manipulating others. People saying nasty things about each other. People saying nasty things about a person to me in an attempt to schmooze me; then, those people go blow a load on the images of said nasty person. Lies and deception. Absolutely NO loyalty.
Yes, there are a slight few of us good eggs out there. We don't say anything about it though. We continue to hide in the background and watch the "pretty girls" wipe out the place.
It's both a blessing and a curse to be able to sense people's true intentions and to be able to "feel" their personality, even in a virtual world. Perhaps there will be a day where I can go, "huh. This person...is...real." A person who will stand up for me when I am right. A person who will actually be excited to talk to me. A person who can carry on a conversation with me by asking questions, rather than typing an emoticon or a "lol" response. A person who validates my feelings instead of telling me how "wrong" I am for feeling that way. A person who doesn't argue with every little thing I say. A person who is not a possessive liar. A person who worships my brain more than my boobs.
Until then, I will continue to lurk and work on my achievement points. Continue to watch others send lovey messages to each other, even though they do not like each other. I will continue to watch these one-sided relationships. It will break my heart over and over again, especially being the girl who is attracted to broken relationships -- but the more experience I get watching the rollercoaster of bullshit, the better I can supply my toolbox I carry in real life.
I got this.
A stress rant. Multiple subjects that are related, but aren't related. The writing is done exactly how my head feels -- all over the place. Read as if it were in Draft.
My personality changed a lot starting in my mid-20s after enduring life's hardballs of my dad dying from pancreatic cancer, my boss (who was like my 2nd dad) dying randomly a month later, two best friends committing suicide, family members committing suicide or getting killed in accidents, dumping my mother out of my life due to her toxicity, my sister withdrawing from me due to my dumping of my mother (she is the golden child, for those familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder in mothers), another best friend dying in his sleep for no reason, boys leading me on and breaking my heart by finding better girls, confronting family member's issues in alcoholism, and so forth, all within a couple years. These things impacted me in a way I didn't know was possible.
Believe it or not, I used to be passive. Don't get me wrong, I was still the jokester and fun to be around, but any sort of conflict caused me to retreat. I used to be quiet in expressing anything, because I didn't want to upset anyone -- even if it hurt me in the process.
For example: if I gave a cashier a $20 and they thought it was a $10; therefore, shorting me change, I would just look at my hand and thank them, knowing full well I had the wrong amount of money in my hand. How hard would it have been to say, "I gave you a $20" and make some funny joke out of it? Yeah, ask me that 5 years ago.
I say what I think, both bluntly and abstractly, as long as it doesn't hurt an individual's feelings. I just cannot hold anything in anymore. I am not sure if this is how I will be the rest of my life or if it is some defense mechanism my body has put into place to endure the grief as I keep pushing forward.
My jobs used to be my escape route; I would work an ungodly amount of hours. I am no longer finding this appealing. I got rid of my distraction of working all the time and by doing that, I am forced to deal with my demons I have been hiding for so long. I am unsure of what those demons are, other than the demons of emotion; feelings that were left unexpressed.
Having no childhood, emotional trauma, and abandoment issues were all just shoved deep down into my soul in hopes that they would go away. Instead, I have been experiencing symptoms of PTSD (a disorder I used to believe was overly exaggerated by patients, but now I understand...) and my world feels rocky. It is fine; the world is stable. It just doesn't feel that way.
All my friends and family are married or getting married, have their own homes, and are living that white picket fence life. I can't even get a booty call anymore (not that I want one); everyone has either given up on me or are now married. I cannot trust anyone, as those who have been close to me have dishonored me or left me at some point. I feel abandoned. Actually, I am abandoned.
My aunt tells me, "you can always come over here for Christmas, you know you're always invited." I asked her, "do you know what it feels like to get into your car on the last day of classes and not know which direction to drive, because you no longer have a home? Do you know what it's like to watch happiness around you as acquaintences express their excitement to go to a place you will never have again? Do you know how embarassed I feel when someone asks me what I am doing, but I can't give a decent response?" Not having that comfort of a home -- which is a FEELING, not a place -- really destroyed my perception of the world.
I believe once I have dealt with all these feelings, I will stop avoiding life. Maybe I will start looking to date again, instead of retreating at any sort of perceived abandonment. Right now, I know I could not handle another kicking to the curb and have chosen to stay away from most people. Maybe I will be able to find some hobbies and interests that reflect who I am. When asked what I do for fun, I do not have an answer. I hope I can change that someday.
Repost from my WordPress blog (wordpress.metalmegs.com). Another un-edited post.
Inspired by the 2016 Presidential Election
12/16/16: Where's The Logic?
Does anyone else get frustrated when someone disagrees with a statement you say, and their rebuttal is, “well, [an opinion of a person, place, or thing you liked/agreed with in the past or present]did [bad thing/poor decision], so stop being such a [ideological or stereotypical insult]!”
Here is an example of an exaggerated conversation that never happened to better illustrate what I am talking about:
Megan says that water is the essence of life. Megan tells you many wonderful things about the water.
You say that water has drowned innocent people, flooded fields, and destroyed lives. “Water? What do you mean water? That’s ridiculous! The river you live by, Megan, has wrecked so many houses and kids have drowned in there. I have seen it with my own eyes. How can you even say that the water is essential? Water is not life; if anything, it is death. What is essential to life, though, is the sun.”
You tell me many wonderful things about the sun.
Megan, while agrees with aspects that the sun is essential, uses your same style of rebuttal and reminds you the sun has caused skin cancer, dried up crops, heat-stroked children, and (with the assistance of a magnifying glass) burned up ants who were minding their own business.
You say I’m a typical stupid water lover who simply hates the sun and knows nothing about how wonderful the sun is all the time. “Megan, you can’t be mad that the sun dried up your crops when your river JUST flooded mine. Seriously, can’t you see how much water hurts the world? Do you even KNOW how many floods and drownings are happening every single day? WAY more than whatever the sun is doing, by at least 86%. Do your research.”
Sound familiar?
Reality is, the sun and water are both pretty damn essential. Both with flaws, but both with many benefits. Some flaws are better than others, subjectively. They’re both needed for balance — for life. If you completely neglect the water and “rah, rah, rah!!!” only for the sun; if you use your belief to persuade others to hate the water, you are creating a world of tragedy.
Just because you couldn’t sit down and objectively go, “Well, I get what you mean. I still think the sun is the best, but I understand that water is very important as well.” How hard is it to comprehend what is “good” and what is “bad” when it comes to actions/behaviors/events, verses what is “good” and “bad” with said object/person?
In regards to the sun:
Warmth – good.
Sunburn – bad.
Sun is still good.
In regards to water:
Drink for thirst – good.
Drink from drowning – bad.
Water is still good.
Remember, this can go for “bad” things as well.
In regards to Lucille, the name of the barbed-wire bat Negan uses to bash in the heads of our favorite characters in The Walking Dead:
Used for sporting events (i.e., baseball) – good.
Used for smashing heads – bad.
Lucille is still bad.
Sun is good, water is good, Lucille is bad is something we all can agree on — but emotion, ideology, and hate can distort reality. Negan is a dictator and sociopath. He kills people more than he does anything else; heck, even names the bat Lucille that he uses to bash in heads. Negan is a power hungry monster who instills fear in others that is fueled by such a strong hatred of humanity. People who watch the TV show agree. Negan’s way of life (or is it way of strife?) allows him to believe that Lucille is good.
We just need to sit down and look at everything objectively, no matter how hard it hurts. I hate agreeing with some things my friends tell me. It’s complex, for sure. I can be told something that objectively makes sense, and I can confirm it is correct, but my feelings and emotions (which are stronger, mind you) tell me that it is incorrect. I still will say, “Dang it, you’re right.” And it burns my soul.
Use logic, not emotion. This takes practice and discipline, sure — but most of all it takes intelligence and open mindedness.
So what if someone likes the water more than the sun. Just because they may have a preference of something due to their own personal experiences, doesn’t dismiss the importance of the other.
Because, heck – that river I live by and embrace so much might be the same river in which you watched my family drown.
_________________
We can all agree that soothing a baby when it is crying is a good thing to do .
We can all agree that punching a baby when it is crying is a bad thing to do (although, I could argue that one some days).
What we can’t agree on is the best way (or worst way) to soothe the baby. We think our ways ARE the ways. How selfish.
Sit down and *think* for a minute. Can’t you just say to the other person, “Hey, I soothe my child by singing a lullaby and I think that is the best way — but that’s cool that the best way for you is to go for a car ride with the baby.”
We can all agree that both those ways are effective for those two people. Is one more right than the other? No.
Then there are those radical people who believe punching a baby is the best way to soothe it. They persuade you through insults and intimidation over a sentence that, if you sat down and thought about for a millisecond, makes absolutely no sense.
Instead, you’ve been instilled with fear and your emotions are tugged from all the insults. “Okay, yeah, I guess punching babies is the way to go.” There’s instant gratification from slugging this infant — heck yes, the baby is quiet! It has been soothed! — but that’s because you killed it.
So, you felt better for a second, right? You punched it in the head, it shut up, and you’re happy, right? What you realize later is you actually killed the child. You overreacted to a situation that if you would have sat down, opened your mind, and thought about how life works…how life is…would have been resolved by a lullaby or car ride.
Instead, you just made everything worse — for the baby (obviously), for the parents, for the relatives, for the funeral director, for the dude who has to dig the hole for it, for the officers who arrest you, for the tax payers…
…for yourself, and for the world.
Emotional responses will wreck us every time. And as a society who is ever so craving “change” (which means, make things work for me and only me), we are easily influenced by emotion.
We are living in the instant gratification stage — the honeymoon stage — at this moment (for those who fell victim to emotion).
We are about to kill that baby.
Spread knowledge, logic, and love.
Spread REALITY.
EDIT: I apologize for the dramatic examples used (punching babies and drowning children ain’t very Christmas-like, I understand). Sometimes, you need to *really* exaggerate and simplify things to grasp an awareness.
Going to start utilizing the blog feature. I post in WordPress once in a while (metalmegs.wordpress.com) -- so I will be copying posts from there, or copying posts to WP from here.
Last post on WP -- still in Draft, as it was simply written from the soul. No proofreading, no editing, no "making it sound fancier" has happened yet.
5/20/17: Landfill
After poking and prodding through the garbage in this well known landfill; the years spent cradling the broken objects and worshiping the filth, you find one small area free of debris and you decide to sit there for a while. It is quiet. It is clear. It isn’t gunking your hands or cutting your feet. The scent of clarity has been waffed in your direction. That’s when you realize you are sitting right smack in the middle of a landfill.
Initially, you panic. You make the mistake of running away, but it lands you right back in the rubbish. You frantically toss aside yesterday’s trash to make way back to the clean area, enduring the undesirable consequences you’ve come to know so well. You trudge through this tragedy in agony, deeply regretting the decision to run away from the spot of serenity.
You make it back to the clear area (you came to your senses), drenched in grime and shame; tears collect dirt to sting eyes. You fall to your knees, crushing the only flower existing. You hunch there motionless; the scent of death surrounds you in this circle of life. You give up. You close your eyes to feel that sting one last time…
The sun brings warmth, the clouds collect to provide comfort.
The wind inspires change, the rain purifies it all.
The moon arrives to soothe.
The numbing pain continues to ask “why,” while time continues to offer answers.
Hesitation persists as you slowly open your eyes.
You continue to lie still — “is it going to hurt me again?”
Bluebirds sing the song of today as you begin to witness that once crushed flower
now vividly blooming.
Hope instills your heart once again.
Like most of you on fubar, I enjoy going onto reddit and browsing subreddits and whatnot. One of my favorite subreddits is /r/raisedbynarcissists. This subreddit addresses those who have parents with personality disorders -- mostly borderline personality, narcissistic, etc. My mother is very borderline and it has made me into a perfectionist.
I have a firm belief that a person is either really good at something or not good at all. There is no gray area. When I try new things, and I'm not good at it right away, I believe I am bad at that thing and I would fail/make an idiot out of myself if I continued to do that stupid thing. If I was naturally good at something, I would pursue it.
I am not good at the hard sciences (math, physics, etc). I am naturally good in the soft sciences (sociology, psychology), music, and English. Because I am good at those things, I pursued those things in my life (I tutored English in college and ended up majoring in Psychology & Criminal Justice; minoring in Philosophy. I have been working in those fields a while, and just didn't really get into it. I felt like I was destined to do something else; that I am too smart to keep doing what I am doing. I needed a change. I decided to go the pharmacy route.
I ended up getting my AAS degree in Pharmacy Technology, and I love it. I really want to be a pharmacist; however, I am almost 100% certain I would fail out of college. I am also 100% certain that is a big fucking lie. In order to be a pharmacist, you have to take a ton of chemistry/calculus/other hard sciences I am shitty at.
I tell my friends how "realistic" I am when it comes to determining who I am. I don't like frosting on my life cookie. I also don't like a cookie that crumbles. I am realistic. I know what I am good at -- and what I'm not good at. I am not good at the hard sciences; therefore, I will fail. My friends look me in the face and say, "Megan, you honestly can do whatever you want to do. If you want to do something, you will be able to. That is how you are. You will not fail out of pharmacy school." I just shake my head, knowing they are wrong.
But, maybe, just maybe, this time I am the one who is wrong.
I am a certified pharmacy technician in the hospital I work at. I came to work one day and the director of Pharmacy/my boss tells me she is going to do what she can to convince me to go to pharmacy school. She even talked to her boss and a couple other people to arrange for the hospital to pay for my classes (as long as I would work for the hospital when I'm done). My boss even said if I needed money, she would give me a loan -- "because you'd pay me back someday, whatever." She seems very serious on sending me and does not want me to worry about it.
I told her I am not smart enough to go to pharmacy school and she got mad at me. I knew that I was right, though. I really ain't smart enough for pharmacy school. I decided on not going.
Back to the reddit thing -- I was reading in reddit and found a redditor with the same "belief system" as me. S/he wrote some things that made me go, "holy shit, you are right. YOU ARE RIGHT." I have never been so inspired by something in my life. It's as if it was written for me.
I have changed my mind. Eventually, I will be going to pharmacy school. :)
Copy of inspiring note:
Nparents = Narcissistic parents -- or any parent with a personality disorder
TL/DR = too long, didn't read -- a summarization
Hiya, I came to this realization the other day and I thought I'd share. Hope someone can find some peace in this as much as I did.
Like Nparents do, my Nmom loved to point out my failures any chance she got. Even when I was very young and learning things for the first time, she'd constantly laugh at me and tell me how bad I was. However, if I was naturally good at something, she was sure to brag to everyone how talented and intelligent I was.
This behavior really forced the idea into my head that there were things I was naturally talented at, and things I was naturally untalented at, with no in between. I was either a child prodigy and had to be the best at that skill, or I was so utterly hopeless that I would NEVER be good at that skill. To pursue it would be not only stupid but hilarious.
As a result, I never really learned the concept of practicing. If I had to practice at something, that meant I wasn't actually good at it. I eventually learned I needed to practice/study to get better at things, but the whole time I would feel guilty.
I recently lost my first job in my field and I was absolutely crushed. Of course the first thing I thought was that my career choice was a mistake, I'd never be able to keep a job, and my bachelors degree was a waste of money. I blamed myself because I should have known that chemistry was NOT one of my talents and I would never be good at it. I should have pursued art or writing, things my Nmom told me I was good at. Nmom always told me I was bad at math, and numerical mistakes was a major thing my boss cited.
I said all this to my fiance, who reminded me that failing at something new didn't make me failure. He brought up how much I learned in the year I spent at my job and that I would get better at it with time.
So I responded with "Well yeah, but that's cheating. Just doing something a lot doesn't make you good at it, it just means you're good at memorizing."
And then I listened to what I just said and was horrified. My entire life I thought learning was cheating. I felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, but someone had just introduced me to a belt sander. Reshaping myself would take some extra work, but it didn't mean I'd never fit.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, sucking at new things doesn't mean you'll always suck at them. People are always going to define you by your traits and want to put you into a box. They'll label you the science nerd, the dumb athlete, the artsy theater kid, but you are much more than a stereotype. Pursue what subjects interest you, even if they're difficult.
You will learn. You will grow. You will adapt. You are not broken. You are not made or designed to do anything but live your life the way you want to.
TL/DR: You know that elf that wanted to be a dentist and everyone said he was crazy? Be that little elf. That elf is a bad ass.
