M3's blog: "Blog - I Think SO!"

Like most of you on fubar, I enjoy going onto reddit and browsing subreddits and whatnot.  One of my favorite subreddits is /r/raisedbynarcissists.  This subreddit addresses those who have parents with personality disorders -- mostly borderline personality, narcissistic, etc.  My mother is very borderline and it has made me into a perfectionist.  

I have a firm belief that a person is either really good at something or not good at all.  There is no gray area.  When I try new things, and I'm not good at it right away, I believe I am bad at that thing and I would fail/make an idiot out of myself if I continued to do that stupid thing.  If I was naturally good at something, I would pursue it. 

I am not good at the hard sciences (math, physics, etc).  I am naturally good in the soft sciences (sociology, psychology), music, and English.  Because I am good at those things, I pursued those things in my life (I tutored English in college and ended up majoring in Psychology & Criminal Justice; minoring in Philosophy.  I have been working in those fields a while, and just didn't really get into it.  I felt like I was destined to do something else; that I am too smart to keep doing what I am doing.  I needed a change.  I decided to go the pharmacy route.  

I ended up getting my AAS degree in Pharmacy Technology, and I love it.  I really want to be a pharmacist; however, I am almost 100% certain I would fail out of college.  I am also 100% certain that is a big fucking lie.  In order to be a pharmacist, you have to take a ton of chemistry/calculus/other hard sciences I am shitty at. 

I tell my friends how "realistic" I am when it comes to determining who I am. I don't like frosting on my life cookie.  I also don't like a cookie that crumbles.  I am realistic.  I know what I am good at -- and what I'm not good at.   I am not good at the hard sciences; therefore, I will fail.  My friends look me in the face and say, "Megan, you honestly can do whatever you want to do.  If you want to do something, you will be able to.  That is how you are.  You will not fail out of pharmacy school."  I just shake my head, knowing they are wrong. 

But, maybe, just maybe, this time I am the one who is wrong.  

I am a certified pharmacy technician in the hospital I work at.  I came to work one day and the director of Pharmacy/my boss tells me she is going to do what she can to convince me to go to pharmacy school.  She even talked to her boss and a couple other people to arrange for the hospital to pay for my classes (as long as I would work for the hospital when I'm done).  My boss even said if I needed money, she would give me a loan -- "because you'd pay me back someday, whatever."  She seems very serious on sending me and does not want me to worry about it.  

I told her I am not smart enough to go to pharmacy school and she got mad at me.  I knew that I was right, though.  I really ain't smart enough for pharmacy school.  I decided on not going. 

Back to the reddit thing -- I was reading in reddit and found a redditor with the same "belief system" as me.  S/he wrote some things that made me go, "holy shit, you are right.  YOU ARE RIGHT."  I have never been so inspired by something in my life.  It's as if it was written for me.  

I have changed my mind.  Eventually, I will be going to pharmacy school.  :)

Copy of inspiring note:  
Nparents = Narcissistic parents -- or any parent with a personality disorder
TL/DR = too long, didn't read -- a summarization

Hiya, I came to this realization the other day and I thought I'd share. Hope someone can find some peace in this as much as I did.

Like Nparents do, my Nmom loved to point out my failures any chance she got. Even when I was very young and learning things for the first time, she'd constantly laugh at me and tell me how bad I was. However, if I was naturally good at something, she was sure to brag to everyone how talented and intelligent I was.

This behavior really forced the idea into my head that there were things I was naturally talented at, and things I was naturally untalented at, with no in between. I was either a child prodigy and had to be the best at that skill, or I was so utterly hopeless that I would NEVER be good at that skill. To pursue it would be not only stupid but hilarious.

As a result, I never really learned the concept of practicing. If I had to practice at something, that meant I wasn't actually good at it. I eventually learned I needed to practice/study to get better at things, but the whole time I would feel guilty.

I recently lost my first job in my field and I was absolutely crushed. Of course the first thing I thought was that my career choice was a mistake, I'd never be able to keep a job, and my bachelors degree was a waste of money. I blamed myself because I should have known that chemistry was NOT one of my talents and I would never be good at it. I should have pursued art or writing, things my Nmom told me I was good at. Nmom always told me I was bad at math, and numerical mistakes was a major thing my boss cited.

I said all this to my fiance, who reminded me that failing at something new didn't make me failure. He brought up how much I learned in the year I spent at my job and that I would get better at it with time.

So I responded with "Well yeah, but that's cheating. Just doing something a lot doesn't make you good at it, it just means you're good at memorizing."

And then I listened to what I just said and was horrified. My entire life I thought learning was cheating. I felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, but someone had just introduced me to a belt sander. Reshaping myself would take some extra work, but it didn't mean I'd never fit.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, sucking at new things doesn't mean you'll always suck at them. People are always going to define you by your traits and want to put you into a box. They'll label you the science nerd, the dumb athlete, the artsy theater kid, but you are much more than a stereotype. Pursue what subjects interest you, even if they're difficult.

You will learn. You will grow. You will adapt. You are not broken. You are not made or designed to do anything but live your life the way you want to.

TL/DR: You know that elf that wanted to be a dentist and everyone said he was crazy? Be that little elf. That elf is a bad ass.