M3's blog: "Blog - I Think SO!"

A stress rant.  Multiple subjects that are related, but aren't related.  The writing is done exactly how my head feels -- all over the place.   Read as if it were in Draft. 



My personality changed a lot starting in my mid-20s after enduring life's hardballs of my dad dying from pancreatic cancer, my boss (who was like my 2nd dad) dying randomly a month later, two best friends committing suicide, family members committing suicide or getting killed in accidents, dumping my mother out of my life due to her toxicity, my sister withdrawing from me due to my dumping of my mother (she is the golden child, for those familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder in mothers), another best friend dying in his sleep for no reason, boys leading me on and breaking my heart by finding better girls, confronting family member's issues in alcoholism, and so forth, all within a couple years. These things impacted me in a way I didn't know was possible. 

Believe it or not, I used to be passive.  Don't get me wrong, I was still the jokester and fun to be around, but any sort of conflict caused me to retreat. I used to be quiet in expressing anything, because I didn't want to upset anyone -- even if it hurt me in the process.
For example: if I gave a cashier a $20 and they thought it was a $10; therefore, shorting me change, I would just look at my hand and thank them, knowing full well I had the wrong amount of money in my hand.  How hard would it have been to say, "I gave you a $20" and make some funny joke out of it?  Yeah, ask me that 5 years ago. 

I say what I think, both bluntly and abstractly, as long as it doesn't hurt an individual's feelings. I just cannot hold anything in anymore. I am not sure if this is how I will be the rest of my life or if it is some defense mechanism my body has put into place to endure the grief as I keep pushing forward. 

My jobs used to be my escape route; I would work an ungodly amount of hours. I am no longer finding this appealing.  I got rid of my distraction of working all the time and by doing that, I am forced to deal with my demons I have been hiding for so long.  I am unsure of what those demons are, other than the demons of emotion; feelings that were left unexpressed. 
Having no childhood, emotional trauma, and abandoment issues were all just shoved deep down into my soul in hopes that they would go away. Instead, I have been experiencing symptoms of PTSD (a disorder I used to believe was overly exaggerated by patients, but now I understand...)  and my world feels rocky.  It is fine; the world is stable.  It just doesn't feel that way. 

All my friends and family are married or getting married, have their own homes, and are living that white picket fence life.  I can't even get a booty call anymore (not that I want one); everyone has either given up on me or are now married. I cannot trust anyone, as those who have been close to me have dishonored me or left me at some point. I feel abandoned.  Actually, I am abandoned. 

My aunt tells me, "you can always come over here for Christmas, you know you're always invited."  I asked her, "do you know what it feels like to get into your car on the last day of classes and not know which direction to drive, because you no longer have a home?  Do you know what it's like to watch happiness around you as acquaintences express their excitement to go to a place you will never have again?  Do you know how embarassed I feel when someone asks me what I am doing, but I can't give a decent response?"  Not having that comfort of a home -- which is a FEELING, not a place -- really destroyed my perception of the world.  

I believe once I have dealt with all these feelings, I will stop avoiding life.  Maybe I will start looking to date again, instead of retreating at any sort of perceived abandonment. Right now, I know I could not handle another kicking to the curb and have chosen to stay away from most people.  Maybe I will be able to find some hobbies and interests that reflect who I am.  When asked what I do for fun, I do not have an answer.  I hope I can change that someday.