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What are you waiting for?
Originally posted on My Yahoo 360 Profile
Entry for February 10, 2009
The time has come for me to face some hard facts...To withdraw from the world of light...Into the darkness that I have been avoiding...Time to pull away from those people closest to me...Before I cause more pain than I already have to the people that I care about...And the ones that I love with all my heart...The pain from knowing me when the darkness of my soul overtakes the light of the day...It's not fair to impose that upon the friends who only know me for the smiles I fake for them...And for those who have dealt with me in one of those dark periods...I apologize for drawing you into the twisted pain of an existence that was never meant to be...To finally meet the woman who gave you life while pregnant for you second child to only have her reject you for a second time despite all that you did to be her daughter...To also find out after the death of a woman who never accepted you as her grandchild that you were not the only throw away daughter...That there were two more after you...That the conception of all three was not meant to be...That our lives were not important to the woman who bore us...That her "reputation" was more important than her own flesh and blood...Then to later find out that the son she bore years later...Was the child she held onto...The one who was worthy of her love and attention...All this combined with the loss of all but one person in her life that is a link to her past...To be told that person may be lost to her soon...And then there will be none...None to share the joy...the pain...the memories of a life that is long gone...No way of ever finding out the hiddne truths...Yes...It is time...To finally draw back and relive the past that has shaped my present and is bound to effect the future...Before I can ever allow myself to move forward and possibly enjoy life again...If I ever did...Then I have to face the demons from the past that I carried into this present day...Exorcise them from my life...my mind...my heart...my soul...And if in so doing I must sacrifice those friends that cannot wait or understand that this is something I must do...Then so be it...I would sooner lose a friend...Leave them remembering me as they think was before they find out who I really am...Maybe some day I will emerge from the darkness of my own being to be a better person...Or maybe I will discover being in the darkness is the best place for me...All I know is that is where I must go...and may God have mercy on the blackness of my soul
